Need help & clarity

Old 09-14-2009, 03:55 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
addicts are INCAPABLE of having normal relationships because their primary relationship is to their drug(s) of choice. any other human that gets involved is really just window dressing.
How I wish i would have my ex's addiction earlier. No way I would have continued on. She hid it from me for a year, skillfully I might add, and by then I was hooked and ready to fight for it (which was silly and futile). I remember telling her many times "I am sick of being the affair on the side. 2nd, and 3rd in line" (to her drugs or her family). It is heartbreak road and painful. Not a happy place to be when you are "with" someone but their loyalty lies elsewhere.
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Old 09-18-2009, 03:15 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: South Africa
Posts: 34
Hi all,

Im glad to be back. As if my personal struggles are not enough I had to deal with someone in my team that was thrown in jail for drinking and driving on a business trip. Sitting at the police station for 3 hours to bail him out made me think about my ex partner and when he was caught and thrown behind bars several times.

I had to ask my team member if he had a drinking problem as his proffessional career prior to working for me, ended because he drank. It seemed as if I was in a position to try and "save" my collegue as I tried to initially with Mark.

Anyway, thats why I have been quiet. Im preparing for a hearing as he will be fired from his job. This is terrible for his future.

Anyway, Thank you for replying to me!!


In response to your encouraging mail...

you've taken an awful lot of ownership over someone you've know less than half a year.....and made a lot of decision around a disease you've had no prior experience with.
I realise this, Im someone that does take ownership and care in what I do or who shares my life. The period of a relationship has no relevance to me. You can be involved for years and only find out what your partner is really about? Also I did not know that my actions or lack of judgement was because of my inexperience in this disease...This is why I joined the site for support and not to be attacked by you...

it's not YOUR CALL on what is good for HIM, or anybody else but YOU.
I took myself into consideration and the good for him too. Its an undertaking of being mindfull on what was happening.

you may wish to look deeper within yourself on WHY you were so instantly drawn to a stranger, and how quickly you FELL IN LOVE,
I look at myself quite oten, thank you. I have been seeing a Psycologist for 2 years now. I dont need to explain or defend why or how we fell in love. It happened.

and then became emeshed in HIS life and HIS problems, to the point of thinking you know what is in HIS best interest and desire to WAIT for him now after he was withdrawn and you have "broken" things off......
Like I have said, it was my choice to be involved and take an interest.

Im not sure what has fueld your temper, but if you cannot advise and provide support constructively, rather keep your opinions to yourself. It's hard enough to feel alone and helpless.


I also thought Mark was using rehab as a smoke screen to avoid a serious charge. Here you can buy your police reports and file or pay someone to loose it, however Mark feels responsible and accountable. He believes this is part of recovering, whatever the outcome may be...

Sure he didnt have his head on when looking for oral sex from the call girls. Sorry, that behaviour started later on... He doesnt have loads of money trees, so what he had he spent. When he didnt have any money, then he hanged until pay day...

You are so right about the 3 sides...maybe I will know the full story one day...


Thank you for your contructive feedback.
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Old 09-19-2009, 01:45 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: South Africa
Posts: 34
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Old 09-19-2009, 10:20 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Sure he didnt have his head on when looking for oral sex from the call girls. Sorry, that behaviour started later on...
No kidding. Funny how we defend the most reprehensible of behavior when it comes to the addicts in our lives. That is our is our sickness. That is our part of their disease. To overcome this we can set and enforce boundaries that are healthy for us about the behavior that we are willing to accept in our lives.

That is when people stop lying to us. Stop cheating on us. Stop treating us like doormats. They may not change. But we do.
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