Maintaining a Relationship while Recovering
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by outonalimb 
The only think I know for sure is there is no going back to that magical time before relapse. I know it sounds obvious but as we struggle with our feelings of 'love' for the addict, I think we engage in the magical thinking you mentioned. If you stay in this relationship, you will always have the cloud of relapse hovering in the distance. And where ever you go, so goes your child.
You say you've maintained with your child. You've protected him from your tears...you haven't taken him on visits...but your child is still effected. Your child will be invested so long as you are invested.
There is no right or wrong answer. There are consequences and risks associated with EVERY relationship but the ones that come along with addiction are huge.
You say you've maintained with your child. You've protected him from your tears...you haven't taken him on visits...but your child is still effected. Your child will be invested so long as you are invested.
There is no right or wrong answer. There are consequences and risks associated with EVERY relationship but the ones that come along with addiction are huge.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by outonalimb
This is a great thread.
I wanted my husband and the man I fell in love with back. Period.
And you want your bf back...the man you fell in love with...
I once wanted the same thing but no longer feel this way. I have recognized that relationships (all, even ones with addiction) change over time for whatever reasons and the way we first felt in the relationship changes as well.
The only think I know for sure is there is no going back to that magical time before relapse. I know it sounds obvious but as we struggle with our feelings of 'love' for the addict, I think we engage in the magical thinking you mentioned.
I have gotten myself away from this. This will keep me stuck in a place that I will struggle in for too long. I don't want to go there. I was there with my ex husband who was a non-addict.
If you stay in this relationship, you will always have the cloud of relapse hovering in the distance. And where ever you go, so goes your child.
Lightseeker said it best in dealing with relapses... Living with the fact of a relapse and knowing a relapse can occur is far better then living in the fear of a relapse. If an addict is aware of this fact, he/she, makes a program work. Fear cripples us. Prevents us from healing, moving on, etc.
You say you've maintained with your child. You've protected him from your tears...you haven't taken him on visits...but your child is still effected. Your child will be invested so long as you are invested.
I'm not quite invested. Invested to me means totally consumed with his issues, recovery, etc. He has been separate from us for the most part. I plan to keep it that way for awhile even well into his recovery.
There is no right or wrong answer. There are consequences and risks associated with EVERY relationship but the ones that come along with addiction are huge. Is he really worth this risk? Only you can decide.
I wanted my husband and the man I fell in love with back. Period.
And you want your bf back...the man you fell in love with...
I once wanted the same thing but no longer feel this way. I have recognized that relationships (all, even ones with addiction) change over time for whatever reasons and the way we first felt in the relationship changes as well.
The only think I know for sure is there is no going back to that magical time before relapse. I know it sounds obvious but as we struggle with our feelings of 'love' for the addict, I think we engage in the magical thinking you mentioned.
I have gotten myself away from this. This will keep me stuck in a place that I will struggle in for too long. I don't want to go there. I was there with my ex husband who was a non-addict.
If you stay in this relationship, you will always have the cloud of relapse hovering in the distance. And where ever you go, so goes your child.
Lightseeker said it best in dealing with relapses... Living with the fact of a relapse and knowing a relapse can occur is far better then living in the fear of a relapse. If an addict is aware of this fact, he/she, makes a program work. Fear cripples us. Prevents us from healing, moving on, etc.
You say you've maintained with your child. You've protected him from your tears...you haven't taken him on visits...but your child is still effected. Your child will be invested so long as you are invested.
I'm not quite invested. Invested to me means totally consumed with his issues, recovery, etc. He has been separate from us for the most part. I plan to keep it that way for awhile even well into his recovery.
There is no right or wrong answer. There are consequences and risks associated with EVERY relationship but the ones that come along with addiction are huge. Is he really worth this risk? Only you can decide.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Wherever I turn my attention
Posts: 57
I think an Ayn Rand quote is in order now:
People create their own questions because they are afraid to look straight.
All you have to do is look straight and see the road, and when you see it,
don't sit looking at it - walk.
It's all so simple...and yet not so.
People create their own questions because they are afraid to look straight.
All you have to do is look straight and see the road, and when you see it,
don't sit looking at it - walk.
It's all so simple...and yet not so.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
My husband relapsed (his DOC was meth).
We had been married less than 3 months.
I was 40 weeks pregnant.
We're still married. Still living together.
He's been clean for over a year.
I too have boundaries and so forth, but they've evolved. They are very specific now.
Before, it would be, "you do it again, I'm gone."
Now, if he relapsed, we would go the hard-core program/detox route and try family sessions/therapy, etc. I would try to help him, try to stick by him, but if he failed, there would be a separation until he had x_amount of months/years of sobriety.
It would mean he could not be with our daughter unsupervised.
I would mean I still love him, but that he has to work for his family/sobriety again.
If he said, "frack it, I'm just going to get high," then divorce would be the next step.
I try to imagine myself 5 years from now, if he relapsed and couldn't get clean. We would separate/probably divorce. If he came back a few years later ready to stay sober and working a program, we may have a go at it. It's what I've accepted. I can't see myself ever loving another man or wanting to be in a relationship with someone else.
I'm perfectly OK being alone if he needed to find recovery again. I'm perfectly OK never being with another man again if he stayed high for the rest of his life.
Separate but together in a sense. It wouldn't be in my house and I can't see myself longing for companionship. I guess I finally reached a place where I'm 100% ok with myself and with being alone if it ever came to that. And that gives me peace. That makes the uncertain future seem less scary.
When we're willing to stand on our own two feet, live our lives (separate from the craziness) should the worst happen . . . I think we have found serenity for ourselves.
Hope this all makes sense.
Good luck and HUGE hugs!
We had been married less than 3 months.
I was 40 weeks pregnant.
We're still married. Still living together.
He's been clean for over a year.
I too have boundaries and so forth, but they've evolved. They are very specific now.
Before, it would be, "you do it again, I'm gone."
Now, if he relapsed, we would go the hard-core program/detox route and try family sessions/therapy, etc. I would try to help him, try to stick by him, but if he failed, there would be a separation until he had x_amount of months/years of sobriety.
It would mean he could not be with our daughter unsupervised.
I would mean I still love him, but that he has to work for his family/sobriety again.
If he said, "frack it, I'm just going to get high," then divorce would be the next step.
I try to imagine myself 5 years from now, if he relapsed and couldn't get clean. We would separate/probably divorce. If he came back a few years later ready to stay sober and working a program, we may have a go at it. It's what I've accepted. I can't see myself ever loving another man or wanting to be in a relationship with someone else.
I'm perfectly OK being alone if he needed to find recovery again. I'm perfectly OK never being with another man again if he stayed high for the rest of his life.
Separate but together in a sense. It wouldn't be in my house and I can't see myself longing for companionship. I guess I finally reached a place where I'm 100% ok with myself and with being alone if it ever came to that. And that gives me peace. That makes the uncertain future seem less scary.
When we're willing to stand on our own two feet, live our lives (separate from the craziness) should the worst happen . . . I think we have found serenity for ourselves.
Hope this all makes sense.
Good luck and HUGE hugs!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Wherever I turn my attention
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING
Inquis,
I hear ya. Good quote. I'm looking at that road and taking baby steps but my legs are moving. Yes they are. Moving towards a brighter path.
I hear ya. Good quote. I'm looking at that road and taking baby steps but my legs are moving. Yes they are. Moving towards a brighter path.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by ZombieWife
Now, if he relapsed, we would go the hard-core program/detox route and try family sessions/therapy, etc. I would try to help him, try to stick by him, but if he failed, there would be a separation until he had x_amount of months/years of sobriety.
This is where I'm at now. I set up those boundaries real quick. He's currently in a rehab and staying there. He's been told, my house isn't an option. He is aware and now we are going through the steps.
It would mean he could not be with our daughter unsupervised.
I would mean I still love him, but that he has to work for his family/sobriety again.
If he said, "frack it, I'm just going to get high," then divorce would be the next step.
I try to imagine myself 5 years from now, if he relapsed and couldn't get clean. We would separate/probably divorce. If he came back a few years later ready to stay sober and working a program, we may have a go at it. It's what I've accepted. I can't see myself ever loving another man or wanting to be in a relationship with someone else.
This is exactly where I'm at. You took the words right out of my mouth.
I'm perfectly OK being alone if he needed to find recovery again. I'm perfectly OK never being with another man again if he stayed high for the rest of his life.
I agree. I'm at that same place. I no longer have that fear that if he relapses, I will be all alone. Well, I will but with myself and that's perfectly okay.
Separate but together in a sense. It wouldn't be in my house and I can't see myself longing for companionship. I guess I finally reached a place where I'm 100% ok with myself and with being alone if it ever came to that. And that gives me peace. That makes the uncertain future seem less scary.
When we're willing to stand on our own two feet, live our lives (separate from the craziness) should the worst happen . . . I think we have found serenity for ourselves.
Hope this all makes sense.
Good luck and HUGE hugs!
How did you get past differentiating what is quacking and what is real? I have an issue with this. Or is this normal? He has always stood his ground that he loves me and that he wants sobriety because he owes that to himself and to his family and me.
Thanks for this post. It has inspired me to hang in there for now and be okay with my solitude while he recovers. BIG HUGS back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Wow, as I just typed out that last message I feel less pressure to be in this relationship or not. Those feelings are slowly dissipating and the internal chaos is slowly going away. The what ifs... are creeping out of my head and I feel a sense of calmness. After my visit with RBF, I felt so much better to be able to sit there and enjoy him for the moment and work through our workbook. He is really trying. I was beating myself up in his last few weeks after relapse and worrying about the unnecessary or should I say unpredictable.
What craziness was that? I can see myself changing from the several posts in which I sounded like a scared timid bat out of hell. My gosh... thanks everyone for this enlightenment.
I feel empowered today.
BIG HUGS to all of you.
What craziness was that? I can see myself changing from the several posts in which I sounded like a scared timid bat out of hell. My gosh... thanks everyone for this enlightenment.
I feel empowered today.
BIG HUGS to all of you.
tangerine dream
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: somewhere near los angeles
Posts: 55
Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING
I guess, my question is what are your experiences in maintaining a relationship after you have already been dating for some time with an addict who is seeking recovery?
it effing sucks especially when they still lie and are still ridiculous about everything, and when you know that expecting them to work on your bruised, battered, tattered, torn excuse for a relationship AND recover at the same time is like expecting them to lift up a car or something equally if not moreso impossible.
i am in the same position as you except more and more each day it seems like my abf is not actually working on recovery OR on repairing our relationship.
yet i still have faith. much less today that i did 3 days ago, but it's still there. i think.
i dono. in truth i really don't think this is going to work because i kinda know in my gut that he is taking me for a ride. so i guess i would say, if you know in your gut that he is actively participating in his own recovery, then things will probably be fine.
Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING
I know there is a thing called fantasy thinking... but.... I was able to experience part of that fantasy and, boy, do I miss that man. I guess I am praying that he returns to this man and I do believe in hope and prayer.
keep us posted. or at least keep me posted cause i feel really dejected and hopeless about the P.O.S. that I just fed and who's laying in my bed right now. In fact I want to gouge out his eyes and spit in his eye sockets. He's totally loaded. Yet swears he isn't. And was missing for 3 days. and claims he got arrested. But the inmate information system has no record. And the crime map has no record of the event he says occurred in the location he claims it occurred in. that means he's lying right?
sorry i'm not trying to hijack your thread. i've just been sleepless and worry-filled for 3 days and he comes back with this fabricated story that doesn't add up and expects me to feed him and smile at him and give him cigarettes. and believe him. when really i kinda just want to kill him.
i guess what im saying is if you feel like he's really working at it then he probably is. and you will probably be fine. just keep thinking about how awesome its going to be when you do see him again. that should bring a smile to your face. hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Hi Tangerine!
No, you are not hijacking my thread at all. I'm glad you came. There are some awesome people on this thread that can offer lots of support for you right now.
Do you suspect your "P.O.S." (Nice- LOL) is using? Do you live together or can you be at a place where you can separate from him until he is able to come clean and get clean? The reason why I ask is because the turmoil, hate, anger and resentment will keep building as you watch him lose himself yet at the same time you are losing yourself right along with him. I think that has to be the most painful thing to watch... to see a loved one deteriorate slowly by using a drug. I hate it. I had to detach for my own sanity.
About his record.. if he was arrested, how did he get out? I would be interested in how he accomplished that w/o any money and why wouldn't he call you if he was arrested. Fishy indeed.
I would go with your gut though. If you feel it isn't right, then more than likely it isn't.
I think you are in need of some HUGS rights now. :ghug3
Keep coming here to this thread. We will help you work through this. Thanks for the supportive words. I'm taking it one day at a time. The key to where I am able to be okay with everything is because the chaos isn't around me which gave me the opportunity to self reflect and heal. Plus, I wouldn't let it remain around me. It was get out, stay out, get clean, get your own place and then we will see where it goes from there. When he relapsed, I had to let him go, without worrying where he will end up (jail, death, detox, the streets, etc.). He chose detox and then rehab on his own. Without me encouraging him to go. At the time I kicked him out, I could have cared less where he went as long as he was away from me and my son. It hurt like hell and it was a brutal first 2 weeks but slowly I am regaining a sense of self. I was turned upside down figuring out what I should do (stay or leave). I had to just step back, take care of me and my son and everything else will work itself out in my favor. It was a struggle to not get sucked back in and sticking to my boundaries has helped.
Btw, I love the pic in your signature. I need to hang that on my computer.
No, you are not hijacking my thread at all. I'm glad you came. There are some awesome people on this thread that can offer lots of support for you right now.
Do you suspect your "P.O.S." (Nice- LOL) is using? Do you live together or can you be at a place where you can separate from him until he is able to come clean and get clean? The reason why I ask is because the turmoil, hate, anger and resentment will keep building as you watch him lose himself yet at the same time you are losing yourself right along with him. I think that has to be the most painful thing to watch... to see a loved one deteriorate slowly by using a drug. I hate it. I had to detach for my own sanity.
About his record.. if he was arrested, how did he get out? I would be interested in how he accomplished that w/o any money and why wouldn't he call you if he was arrested. Fishy indeed.
I would go with your gut though. If you feel it isn't right, then more than likely it isn't.
I think you are in need of some HUGS rights now. :ghug3
Keep coming here to this thread. We will help you work through this. Thanks for the supportive words. I'm taking it one day at a time. The key to where I am able to be okay with everything is because the chaos isn't around me which gave me the opportunity to self reflect and heal. Plus, I wouldn't let it remain around me. It was get out, stay out, get clean, get your own place and then we will see where it goes from there. When he relapsed, I had to let him go, without worrying where he will end up (jail, death, detox, the streets, etc.). He chose detox and then rehab on his own. Without me encouraging him to go. At the time I kicked him out, I could have cared less where he went as long as he was away from me and my son. It hurt like hell and it was a brutal first 2 weeks but slowly I am regaining a sense of self. I was turned upside down figuring out what I should do (stay or leave). I had to just step back, take care of me and my son and everything else will work itself out in my favor. It was a struggle to not get sucked back in and sticking to my boundaries has helped.
Btw, I love the pic in your signature. I need to hang that on my computer.
tangerine dream
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: somewhere near los angeles
Posts: 55
Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING
Hi Tangerine!
Do you live together or can you be at a place where you can separate from him until he is able to come clean and get clean?
Do you live together or can you be at a place where you can separate from him until he is able to come clean and get clean?
Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING
I think that has to be the most painful thing to watch... to see a loved one deteriorate slowly by using a drug. I hate it. I had to detach for my own sanity.
Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING
About his record.. if he was arrested, how did he get out? I would be interested in how he accomplished that w/o any money and why wouldn't he call you if he was arrested. Fishy indeed.
Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING
Plus, I wouldn't let it remain around me. It was get out, stay out, get clean, get your own place and then we will see where it goes from there. When he relapsed, I had to let him go, without worrying where he will end up (jail, death, detox, the streets, etc.). He chose detox and then rehab on his own. Without me encouraging him to go. At the time I kicked him out, I could have cared less where he went as long as he was away from me and my son. It hurt like hell and it was a brutal first 2 weeks but slowly I am regaining a sense of self. I was turned upside down figuring out what I should do (stay or leave). I had to just step back, take care of me and my son and everything else will work itself out in my favor. It was a struggle to not get sucked back in and sticking to my boundaries has helped.
today for some reason that he claims not to know, he was asked to go home from work. his boss made him leave. i have a feeling his boss knew he was ****** up. but he says it was "probably his boss that was loaded".... stuff just isn't adding up anymore.
its just effing hard because i really DO care. but i am putting out way too much effort and continuously getting shafted on the return.
im meeting with this girl he knows from AA who has helped me with him before. i asked her if there was a "how to get out: for dummies." book and she said "i wish.... do you want to meet and talk?" so thats the plan for this evening.
oh and did i mention he handed me a klonopin last night and claimed to have grabbed it for me from a friend of his because he knew i'd be stressed about how long he was gone? swears he didn't take any... but that lazy eye of his speaks without words. his feet smell, his left eye gets lazy, and he hiccups LIKE CRAZY when he has been taking benzos/dope/up for 3 days.
its just so obvious. why won't he admit it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by tangerinedream
we live together. in my apartment. our apartment, but mine cause i pay EVERYTHING.
it is the worst part. and the lies are pretty bad too. it got better for a while but now it's just way, way worse. like he has relapsed so many times that he's jsut giving up but feels like he has to pretend that he's still trying.
The lies don't get any better. They get more and more distorted to the point you will truly hate the person he has become and the person you are allowing yourself to become as you both fight this disease.
he got paid on friday, and when he came home sunday he had all these presents. he'd gone shopping and claimed to have only spent 50 bucks but it was CLEARLY more than that - he said he got out because they were only holding him for a failure to appear on an old marijuana ticket so by paying the remaining 250 he was released. but still i wonder, wouldn't he have to go to court first? and isn't court closed on sundays? and isn't a failure to appear like 450 bucks, not 250?
Yes, he would have had to appear in court for a failure to appear and no courts operate on Sundays. He could have at least sat there until Monday for court if he's lucky. Some sit in the county 2+ weeks until they get a court date. There is no bail on a failure to appear. They face the judge get sentenced or fined and call it a wrap. Also, he would have to face probation. So, being that we will assume he didn't go to jail, then there is the possibility of this failure to appear in court still hanging out there.
What did he shop for or should I say shoplift? This is part of fueling the addiction Tang. Please keep in mind, that addicts do shoplift to support their habit and if he's bringing in stolen goods into your apartment and you unwillingly or willingly allow it, the police can bring you in as well.
when i kick him out he usually calls from the hospital a few days later (due to overdosing. 4 times last month. and truthfully i DO care what happens to him because i know he WANTS to clean up and stop being awful to me. i KNOW this from the bottom of my heart. even though he doesn't really do anything to show me anymore. and every time i really think he will start making the effort and he doesn't.
This may be tough to hear but this is a realization I had to go through with my RBF. Listen closely, I care about my BF as well and love him with all my heart, but there is NOTHING I can do to help him. I love him enough to have let him go. To ignore those phone calls in which he needed a place to stay when he couldn't pay for his heating bill anymore. I must mention the winters in Philly are brutal and have no mercy. I had to detach Tang to help him. As long as I made it comfortable for him, the more he used and the worse he got. When he no longer has options, he will seek recovery.
today for some reason that he claims not to know, he was asked to go home from work. his boss made him leave. i have a feeling his boss knew he was ****** up. but he says it was "probably his boss that was loaded".... stuff just isn't adding up anymore.
This could also be a lie that he chose to use today rather than go to work. The next lie will be something along the lines that he lost his job and it was the bosses fault.
its just effing hard because i really DO care. but i am putting out way too much effort and continuously getting shafted on the return.
I know the feeling, thus, the reason for me to let him go before I sunk with him and before I lost the little bit of sanity left in me.
im meeting with this girl he knows from AA who has helped me with him before. i asked her if there was a "how to get out: for dummies." book and she said "i wish.... do you want to meet and talk?" so thats the plan for this evening.
I would suggest getting your OWN sponsor, not someone he knows. This can be toxic in your recovery later on. Reach out to AlAnon and hook up with someone who is different than you. Someone who will support you in a way without judgment and without knowledge of your dynamic as this women is. Trust me... it will help you in the long run.
oh and did i mention he handed me a klonopin last night and claimed to have grabbed it for me from a friend of his because he knew i'd be stressed about how long he was gone? swears he didn't take any... but that lazy eye of his speaks without words. his feet smell, his left eye gets lazy, and he hiccups LIKE CRAZY when he has been taking benzos/dope/up for 3 days.
Handing you the klonopin is a test Tang. Did you take the Klonopin? If you took it, what you translated to him was it's okay to accept his illegal behavior as long as it benefits me. He knows that you will fall for all of his lies, etc. and that is why he feels like a wart that can't be removed. Thus, leaving you feeling trapped.
its just so obvious. why won't he admit it?[/QUOTE]
If he admitted it, then he would be recognizing that he is an addict and that he needs help. At this point, he's not ready for help. Last month, he had 4 overdoses... he has had no other consequences. He has a place to lay his head, food to eat, no bills to pay and his current paycheck goes to drugs. Why leave? Why get help? There's a decision that you will have to make that is okay with you. I can't tell you to leave but I'm thinking your gut is already telling you what to do. Also, just to clarify, leaving doesn't always mean to completely break up. If you are comfortable and emotionally sound to remain in contact with him then you can make that decision as well. Please read up on enabling behaviors and addiction. The answers are there Tang on how to not enable.
With all that is going on... what keeps you there? What are you getting out of this relationship? Is he meeting your needs?
I sending you major HUGS Tang. You are in my prayers tonight. :praying
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Seattle WA
Posts: 122
I sure hope more people would speak up on this board and give some feedback on why they stay with their now recovering addict.
But I will not move back with him until i see HUGE changes in his life. That is taking care of his life, bills, license, stable job, and he knows that in order to be with me he has to work on his recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
DreamAngel... Just as long as you are okay that these major life changes may take some time (a year or more....)
Anvil,
Are you saying that if you have known someone who has shown that they are capable before... experienced addiction.... lost everything.. then rebuilt their life back that they aren't capable of being that someone who has their life back in order, paying bills, has their own apartment, etc.? I can understand starting with someone who didn't have all these things prior to addiction but what about someone who did? Is that necessarily saying that is someone you WANT rather than who he is? Because the person he is, is the person you met prior to addiction.
Hope that wasn't too confusing... LOL.
Anvil,
Are you saying that if you have known someone who has shown that they are capable before... experienced addiction.... lost everything.. then rebuilt their life back that they aren't capable of being that someone who has their life back in order, paying bills, has their own apartment, etc.? I can understand starting with someone who didn't have all these things prior to addiction but what about someone who did? Is that necessarily saying that is someone you WANT rather than who he is? Because the person he is, is the person you met prior to addiction.
Hope that wasn't too confusing... LOL.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
thinking that who my husband was before he became addicted is anything close to who he is now - or ever will be - is like thinking that I'll go back to who I was before this all happened in my life.
The coping traits that led to my husband's addiction in the first place are way more of a problem in our relationshp than even his active addiction was....Actually, he was much easier to get along with when he was using - much more agreeable and pleasant. Now he is learning to live life on life's terms without drugs to soften the blows and/or increase the pleasures.
No telling who any of us is going to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years....but it sure isn't going to be a return to who we used to be. You can't erase the past - and hopefully you get to the place where you don't want to shut the door on it. But thinking that someone will "be back" after addiction is a tough sell for me to buy. It isn't like someone is coming back from a vacation.
Don't get me wrong - many people find recovery and become amazing people in sobriety. It's just that most of the people that I have known that do it seem to be pretty different than how they were prior to addiction. They aren't good or bad different - just different.
The coping traits that led to my husband's addiction in the first place are way more of a problem in our relationshp than even his active addiction was....Actually, he was much easier to get along with when he was using - much more agreeable and pleasant. Now he is learning to live life on life's terms without drugs to soften the blows and/or increase the pleasures.
No telling who any of us is going to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years....but it sure isn't going to be a return to who we used to be. You can't erase the past - and hopefully you get to the place where you don't want to shut the door on it. But thinking that someone will "be back" after addiction is a tough sell for me to buy. It isn't like someone is coming back from a vacation.
Don't get me wrong - many people find recovery and become amazing people in sobriety. It's just that most of the people that I have known that do it seem to be pretty different than how they were prior to addiction. They aren't good or bad different - just different.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Wow, thanks ladies for these responses....
I have noticed that experiences and age make the person and eventually all of us young heads (34 here) will get to where you are. That place of peace where it doesn't matter what is going on around you but what is going on within you that keeps you there (at peace).
I have noticed that experiences and age make the person and eventually all of us young heads (34 here) will get to where you are. That place of peace where it doesn't matter what is going on around you but what is going on within you that keeps you there (at peace).
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Lightseeker said:
I agree. We ALL change over time. By the time the other person gets clean and sober, if ever at all, our perceptions of everything has changed because WE have changed.. It's best to live in the present moment. And our present moment changes constantly. I know, it's hard to keep up!
thinking that who my husband was before he became addicted is anything close to who he is now - or ever will be - is like thinking that I'll go back to who I was before this all happened in my life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by anvilhead
i tend to let people be who they are gonna be, rather than waste my time waiting for them to get reborn. if they do, great! but i got stuff to do, my own life to live, i got my own sh!t to straighten out. as an addict myself i understand implicitly the recovery TIMETABLE....it never goes according to plan, sometimes quicker, sometimes slower. nor is it ever pretty. SHOULD a person truly seize recovery, they will change, but to think you KNOW who they will become as a result of the recovery process is an effort in futility.
what often happens with the loved one OF the addict is they want them back they way THEY remember, to be the human representation of THEIR hopes and dreams....mr or mrs wonderful. and they stand firmly IN THE WAY of the addict's recovery, directing traffic, stunting everyone's growth.
back when i was 20-21, i met my future first ex husband....the next day i met his best friend. we al partied, lots of drinking, LOTS of cocaine...the buddy ended up dealing....we'd sit around on a weekend with a mountain of coke in front of us and a bunch of beer and blond hash and just go full tilt.....then somebody figured out how to base it...then it got ugly.
that same buddy today is a respectable business owner of close to 20 years now, owns his own roofiting company...also part owner of a computer gadget thing that interrupts to nternet feed and keeps your computer safe from hackers....my ex died 5 years ago this month.....he was my daughter's dad....awesome man, truly become such a good dear friend, along with co-parent....this buddy, this former dope dealer, no account good for nothing party animal, sends my daughter cute little funny emails almost every day. just silly stuff. just cuz he feels he owes it to my ex to watch out for his girl, since he can't BE here.
J, the buddy, was a good guy back then, funnier then hell, one of those go with the flow optimistic kind of attitudes - in spite of all the other stuff. today THOSE traits are still very much alive. we stay in touch, whenever he answers the phone he's singing or saying some ridiculously funny thing...he's an exceptional human being, a delightful soul.
so let's say you knew him BACK THEN....some nearly 25ish years ago........you'd ONLY have to have WAITED how long???
we all gotta go thru what we gotta go thru......nobody's perfect, nobody is ever gonna be that DREAM person who makes it all wonderful all the time. it's NEVER wonderful all the time!!! there IS NO happily ever after.....the dalai freaking lama admits that he is difficult to get along with and that he struggles DAILY to be compassionate and accepting.
oh and ps - i turn 50 next month (gulp) and my life has never been better than it is TODAY. seriously, i wouldn't give up THIS day (and parts of it weren't that great) for ANY day in my past.....except maybe the day i inadvertently missed the Mother's Day Tea at my daughter's preschool, absolutely NO excuse for not being there except i forgot!!!?? other than that...nope, today is the best day ever. and it took every day before to get here....i HAD to let go of persons, places and things in my life, like it or not, in order to move forward, to progress. i only have two hands....and if they are both full of STUFF from the past, how can i possibly grasp today or tomorrow?????
what often happens with the loved one OF the addict is they want them back they way THEY remember, to be the human representation of THEIR hopes and dreams....mr or mrs wonderful. and they stand firmly IN THE WAY of the addict's recovery, directing traffic, stunting everyone's growth.
back when i was 20-21, i met my future first ex husband....the next day i met his best friend. we al partied, lots of drinking, LOTS of cocaine...the buddy ended up dealing....we'd sit around on a weekend with a mountain of coke in front of us and a bunch of beer and blond hash and just go full tilt.....then somebody figured out how to base it...then it got ugly.
that same buddy today is a respectable business owner of close to 20 years now, owns his own roofiting company...also part owner of a computer gadget thing that interrupts to nternet feed and keeps your computer safe from hackers....my ex died 5 years ago this month.....he was my daughter's dad....awesome man, truly become such a good dear friend, along with co-parent....this buddy, this former dope dealer, no account good for nothing party animal, sends my daughter cute little funny emails almost every day. just silly stuff. just cuz he feels he owes it to my ex to watch out for his girl, since he can't BE here.
J, the buddy, was a good guy back then, funnier then hell, one of those go with the flow optimistic kind of attitudes - in spite of all the other stuff. today THOSE traits are still very much alive. we stay in touch, whenever he answers the phone he's singing or saying some ridiculously funny thing...he's an exceptional human being, a delightful soul.
so let's say you knew him BACK THEN....some nearly 25ish years ago........you'd ONLY have to have WAITED how long???
we all gotta go thru what we gotta go thru......nobody's perfect, nobody is ever gonna be that DREAM person who makes it all wonderful all the time. it's NEVER wonderful all the time!!! there IS NO happily ever after.....the dalai freaking lama admits that he is difficult to get along with and that he struggles DAILY to be compassionate and accepting.
oh and ps - i turn 50 next month (gulp) and my life has never been better than it is TODAY. seriously, i wouldn't give up THIS day (and parts of it weren't that great) for ANY day in my past.....except maybe the day i inadvertently missed the Mother's Day Tea at my daughter's preschool, absolutely NO excuse for not being there except i forgot!!!?? other than that...nope, today is the best day ever. and it took every day before to get here....i HAD to let go of persons, places and things in my life, like it or not, in order to move forward, to progress. i only have two hands....and if they are both full of STUFF from the past, how can i possibly grasp today or tomorrow?????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
I'm bumping this thread to the top for new members who are asking similar questions.
Here ya go TJspidur..... this is an awesome thread to read through. There are some people on here who ask the same questions as you are. It's always that internal battle of should I stay or should I go?
Here ya go TJspidur..... this is an awesome thread to read through. There are some people on here who ask the same questions as you are. It's always that internal battle of should I stay or should I go?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
