Maintaining a Relationship while Recovering
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Originally Posted by Inquisitive7 
I approached it like any other relationship - there are good and wonderful things about the relationship. There are negative and dysfunctional things in the relationship. Are the negative things deal breakers? If so, boundaries need to be put up, but perhaps give a person a chance to change, maybe even a few changes. After this, it's goodbye. This has always been my guide in regard to my relationships. Sometimes it takes awhile to find this stuff out. If one does stay with the person, most likely it will get worse. The way I look at it, why should I suffer on my partner's behalf? He does his part, I do mine. If he doesn't want to do his part, it's bye bye.
I have learned that each relationship has it's own dynamic and that not every circumstance matches that of the other.
I will say though no one will hit me.....
that's an easy one for me to walk away from without second thought. It's a good topic to ponder over though... how come some boundaries others are willing to accept and some not? I guess it's based on each person's tolerance level and what they are willing to forgive.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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@ URMYEVERTHING,
I guess it all comes down to cost/benefit. Is the cost higher than the benefit? Really, it is all very simple; we make it more complicated. I did hang on for a good year after problems presented, but part of the reason I hung on is because I thought he was "the one" and I was sort of ignorant about addictions and how they affect a relationship. I used to be one of those women that stood by her man through thick and thin. Yes, I will still do that as long as I know someone is rowing the boat with me....and still, it goes back to cost/benefit. We are on this earth to have a happy life, not to be miserable. That's what I believe. I am done with being the martyr woman. I want something more for myself and I have a right to that.
I read some about your story and can truly empathize - been in a similar spot many times and not all around addictions. I think I've come to the conclusion being in a relationship with someone who has an addition will ALWAYS be a risk. If you are willing to take that risk, good for you, but take full responsibility for that decision. I think you said you had a son...remember every decision you make impacts him as well.
Good luck with your decision...tough, I know. I am still getting over a two year relationship that broke up at the beginning of the summer. But I do believe I will find what I am looking for.
I guess it all comes down to cost/benefit. Is the cost higher than the benefit? Really, it is all very simple; we make it more complicated. I did hang on for a good year after problems presented, but part of the reason I hung on is because I thought he was "the one" and I was sort of ignorant about addictions and how they affect a relationship. I used to be one of those women that stood by her man through thick and thin. Yes, I will still do that as long as I know someone is rowing the boat with me....and still, it goes back to cost/benefit. We are on this earth to have a happy life, not to be miserable. That's what I believe. I am done with being the martyr woman. I want something more for myself and I have a right to that.
I read some about your story and can truly empathize - been in a similar spot many times and not all around addictions. I think I've come to the conclusion being in a relationship with someone who has an addition will ALWAYS be a risk. If you are willing to take that risk, good for you, but take full responsibility for that decision. I think you said you had a son...remember every decision you make impacts him as well.
Good luck with your decision...tough, I know. I am still getting over a two year relationship that broke up at the beginning of the summer. But I do believe I will find what I am looking for.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
I am not a quitter... I am in it for the long haul - I will NOT be generalized.
I, also have children. Bottom line, my children come first. They started to feel the effects of the dysfunction, they were being taught not to trust their feelings/vibes because what they were hearing from me... was different to what they were perceiving. THAT is the very thing that made me so totally and utterly crazy with my x - where my gut/intuition would tell me one thing, but his words would convince me otherwise. CRAZY MAKING. At least, I had the experience to know the difference, where my children don't know what to compare it to. Everything I say / do is a drawing map for them. Sure, as they get older, and are exposed to more - they will come to their own judgments/conclusions, but right now, as their mother, I have the ability to teach them and to teach them as well as I can in all of my power.
My youngest now is uncertain of who the next one will be in my life.... it comes thru in a form of anticipation. I use this as a teaching - teach him that in life there are no guarantees, but it's how we choose to live our day that we have control. We can only control ourselves.... and what *I* his mother chooses is IF a man / partner is going to be in my life/ our lives - then he will not be a lying, cheating addict. PERIOD. This also teaches them that mom wants more herself AND for her children.
In closing, it's not just about me - it's also about my 2 amazing children - who deserve and are entitled to having a mother who isn't exerting her energy on something she has no control over! They also deserve growing up in an authentic atmosphere, safe environment, congruency in the household, and un-conditional love.
When my x relapsed 30 days after rehab, and I was being lied to via a hundred miles away - I was driving around with my boys- my mind totally pre-occupied. Dropping them off at a fast food play house so I could talk outside on my cell phone in peace - w/out them hearing. Them seeing total distress in my face and energy - YET - I'm dropping them off last minute to a fun house??? HUH?! What is THAT all about? OR - I'm in a limo with my son and his friends for his bday party - and I'm getting suicidal texts from my guy. OR him smoking heroin the night before a family trip to see his folks for a week... him at first hiding it, then getting caught, and then saying F it - and smoking freely in the house (while boys are sleeping)... cause he knows we ALL are getting on an airplane together for a holiday in a few hours! Or how about him running out to do n20 in between homework questions... and me just not knowing quite how to STOP all of it!
What about finding empty pens or rolled up bills? Is that what I want them to remember in their childhood?
Do the children deserve THAT? NOWAY!!!!!!!!!
I, also have children. Bottom line, my children come first. They started to feel the effects of the dysfunction, they were being taught not to trust their feelings/vibes because what they were hearing from me... was different to what they were perceiving. THAT is the very thing that made me so totally and utterly crazy with my x - where my gut/intuition would tell me one thing, but his words would convince me otherwise. CRAZY MAKING. At least, I had the experience to know the difference, where my children don't know what to compare it to. Everything I say / do is a drawing map for them. Sure, as they get older, and are exposed to more - they will come to their own judgments/conclusions, but right now, as their mother, I have the ability to teach them and to teach them as well as I can in all of my power.
My youngest now is uncertain of who the next one will be in my life.... it comes thru in a form of anticipation. I use this as a teaching - teach him that in life there are no guarantees, but it's how we choose to live our day that we have control. We can only control ourselves.... and what *I* his mother chooses is IF a man / partner is going to be in my life/ our lives - then he will not be a lying, cheating addict. PERIOD. This also teaches them that mom wants more herself AND for her children.
In closing, it's not just about me - it's also about my 2 amazing children - who deserve and are entitled to having a mother who isn't exerting her energy on something she has no control over! They also deserve growing up in an authentic atmosphere, safe environment, congruency in the household, and un-conditional love.
When my x relapsed 30 days after rehab, and I was being lied to via a hundred miles away - I was driving around with my boys- my mind totally pre-occupied. Dropping them off at a fast food play house so I could talk outside on my cell phone in peace - w/out them hearing. Them seeing total distress in my face and energy - YET - I'm dropping them off last minute to a fun house??? HUH?! What is THAT all about? OR - I'm in a limo with my son and his friends for his bday party - and I'm getting suicidal texts from my guy. OR him smoking heroin the night before a family trip to see his folks for a week... him at first hiding it, then getting caught, and then saying F it - and smoking freely in the house (while boys are sleeping)... cause he knows we ALL are getting on an airplane together for a holiday in a few hours! Or how about him running out to do n20 in between homework questions... and me just not knowing quite how to STOP all of it!
What about finding empty pens or rolled up bills? Is that what I want them to remember in their childhood?
Do the children deserve THAT? NOWAY!!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
btw..... this is a really good thread. thanks for starting it. Last year in June, I was in your position. He was in rehab and I was his biggest cheer leader. I was a lot more hands on than you are right now. Very tied up on an emotional level... it was pretty amazing, actually. We had a pretty intense/passionate relationship.... it's what kept us together. Bright and fiery flame. We have been split now for a few months, so I'm really quite raw - going through all the stages of grief. So, I'm not quite able to articulate it all in a nicely packaged hind sight 20/20 paragraph. I anticipate that moment, but in all good time.
Anyway - he was clean for 60 days and then relapsed. I took him back a few weeks later and it was slips after slips for 2 months. He then got on subutex and for a month he was trying to use morphine and subs at the same time. It didn't work. So, he then started huffing the n20..... then it was snorting xanax in large amounts. Resulting in snorting ritalin in gross amounts. It just wasn't ending... it was one thing after another. I wasn't prepared to say goodbye ... just when I would accept what has just happened - something new would happen. My head was so spun - it's not even funny. I'm still feeling wonky from it all and the fog of it. (sometimes i want to get in touch with him just say ... "omg! wasn't that just crazy?" but then i realize that just like a drug is to an addict - he is my drug and that is my addiction talking. It IS crazy. It would get crazier the more he was not able to hide his addiction anymore. It's like he stopped trying so hard to cover it up cause what was the point - we all knew anyway. Where in the beginning - that took a lot of energy to try to keep it secret. If people would have just wrote him off from the very get go (a couple of friends did!), he would have just hit bottom faster! Instead, many of us stood by him and helped him (in the end - hurt him by not having boundaries in place). Thing is - the most he gives weight to are the friends who aren't his friends any longer. He tries to be in denial about why - but he's got to know the truth. I would think.... but you never know.
I thought standing by him was strong ... stronger than walking away. Then - I started heavy in my recovery and saw that it was stronger to walk away than stay. It's much harder to be on this side of the fence - to especially get to this side of the fence. I've got some really nice consequences staring at me right now.... and this is when a crystal ball sure would have been handy a year ago! Addiction is not unique, it does not make me unique being a co-addict, and the crazy making is not unique. Well, neither is the remedy for recovery. There are steps, tools, a guide, that says to "let go", "lovingly detach" ...etc. THAT IS SO BLOODY HARD! however - it is the remedy.
A few months after taking him back he told me that he thought I was going to just be with him while in rehab (so that he stays) and then dump him when he gets out. I couldn't believe it. He was bracing himself for that to happen, meanwhile I was balls to the wall committed to him if he was sober. <------ there is so much reading between the lines there. What did he really mean? his thoughts/feelings were so off base.
In the end, he cheated on me and that was the straw to break the camels back. We were definitely heading in the direction of dismantling - but the "cute little red head" brought it all to a finish. When I found myself justifying it with it being "a once in a life time thing" (mile high club) "that is kind of hot" and "he didn't stay in touch with her" ... etc. I KNEW then that I was heading into a space I wanted no part of........ and I had to be done. Force it - make it happen - detox - let go - out of my life - painfully detach. Notice I didn't say "lovingly detach" - I hope that one day I will get to that point.... and he will know that I have lovingly detached.
I can't tell you what you should do - we all are to experience our own journey - i can only offer you my own personal experience.
Thank you again for this thread, it has been healing for me.
Anyway - he was clean for 60 days and then relapsed. I took him back a few weeks later and it was slips after slips for 2 months. He then got on subutex and for a month he was trying to use morphine and subs at the same time. It didn't work. So, he then started huffing the n20..... then it was snorting xanax in large amounts. Resulting in snorting ritalin in gross amounts. It just wasn't ending... it was one thing after another. I wasn't prepared to say goodbye ... just when I would accept what has just happened - something new would happen. My head was so spun - it's not even funny. I'm still feeling wonky from it all and the fog of it. (sometimes i want to get in touch with him just say ... "omg! wasn't that just crazy?" but then i realize that just like a drug is to an addict - he is my drug and that is my addiction talking. It IS crazy. It would get crazier the more he was not able to hide his addiction anymore. It's like he stopped trying so hard to cover it up cause what was the point - we all knew anyway. Where in the beginning - that took a lot of energy to try to keep it secret. If people would have just wrote him off from the very get go (a couple of friends did!), he would have just hit bottom faster! Instead, many of us stood by him and helped him (in the end - hurt him by not having boundaries in place). Thing is - the most he gives weight to are the friends who aren't his friends any longer. He tries to be in denial about why - but he's got to know the truth. I would think.... but you never know.
I thought standing by him was strong ... stronger than walking away. Then - I started heavy in my recovery and saw that it was stronger to walk away than stay. It's much harder to be on this side of the fence - to especially get to this side of the fence. I've got some really nice consequences staring at me right now.... and this is when a crystal ball sure would have been handy a year ago! Addiction is not unique, it does not make me unique being a co-addict, and the crazy making is not unique. Well, neither is the remedy for recovery. There are steps, tools, a guide, that says to "let go", "lovingly detach" ...etc. THAT IS SO BLOODY HARD! however - it is the remedy.
A few months after taking him back he told me that he thought I was going to just be with him while in rehab (so that he stays) and then dump him when he gets out. I couldn't believe it. He was bracing himself for that to happen, meanwhile I was balls to the wall committed to him if he was sober. <------ there is so much reading between the lines there. What did he really mean? his thoughts/feelings were so off base.
In the end, he cheated on me and that was the straw to break the camels back. We were definitely heading in the direction of dismantling - but the "cute little red head" brought it all to a finish. When I found myself justifying it with it being "a once in a life time thing" (mile high club) "that is kind of hot" and "he didn't stay in touch with her" ... etc. I KNEW then that I was heading into a space I wanted no part of........ and I had to be done. Force it - make it happen - detox - let go - out of my life - painfully detach. Notice I didn't say "lovingly detach" - I hope that one day I will get to that point.... and he will know that I have lovingly detached.
I can't tell you what you should do - we all are to experience our own journey - i can only offer you my own personal experience.
Thank you again for this thread, it has been healing for me.
Last edited by Abundance; 09-14-2009 at 11:37 PM.
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don't want to hijack this thread but Abs......you've just done an amazing job of sharing your experience and wisdom. You've nailed it in your description. Your journey has amazed me. To be truthful, URM's story reminded me a lot of yours when I read it. There are so many different outcomes but none of them end with walking into the sunset - which was my dream. I might be heading towards "the sunset" but it ain't with me walking hand in hand with my lov-a. (imagine Igor in Young Frankenstein saying "walk this way" and you get a better picture of my gait pattern after all of this). I definitely don't deserve any award for staying the course. Abs - you are exactly right about strength.....it does take more strength to see the road signs, go ahead and face the music and detox. Short term pain for long term gain vs. the alternative. Thanks for sharing this!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Abundance,
I hope you read this because as I was reading this thread last night, it instantly brought you to my mind. You were his biggest cheerleader. Sometimes I used to read your posts and just cringe. (My bad - I know. I'm a pessimistic from experience.) But you stayed the course. And then when it was time to move on, you did, with your self respect in tact. (I would say your heart, but, well, I know how it is.) But the thing I most admire is that you didn't hang on to fantasy. (for too long anyway :-)). Just until you were ready to let go.
You put your children first. You drew firm boundaries. You followed thru on the most difficult and unpleasant task of consequences. You are a strong woman and a great example to others.
Sure you - I say you, but I mean me too, all of us really - you still have those nagging doubts and feelings of sadness because you couldn't help him see the light or be the man you knew he could be. But you gave him enough dignity and respect to let him responsible for his choices.
Thank you for being on this board.
(I don't know if this post makes any sense because its the middle of the night here and I'm suffering from insomnia...)
I hope you read this because as I was reading this thread last night, it instantly brought you to my mind. You were his biggest cheerleader. Sometimes I used to read your posts and just cringe. (My bad - I know. I'm a pessimistic from experience.) But you stayed the course. And then when it was time to move on, you did, with your self respect in tact. (I would say your heart, but, well, I know how it is.) But the thing I most admire is that you didn't hang on to fantasy. (for too long anyway :-)). Just until you were ready to let go.
You put your children first. You drew firm boundaries. You followed thru on the most difficult and unpleasant task of consequences. You are a strong woman and a great example to others.
Sure you - I say you, but I mean me too, all of us really - you still have those nagging doubts and feelings of sadness because you couldn't help him see the light or be the man you knew he could be. But you gave him enough dignity and respect to let him responsible for his choices.
Thank you for being on this board.
(I don't know if this post makes any sense because its the middle of the night here and I'm suffering from insomnia...)
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by Abundance
When my x relapsed 30 days after rehab, and I was being lied to via a hundred miles away - I was driving around with my boys- my mind totally pre-occupied. Dropping them off at a fast food play house so I could talk outside on my cell phone in peace - w/out them hearing. Them seeing total distress in my face and energy - YET - I'm dropping them off last minute to a fun house??? HUH?! What is THAT all about? OR - I'm in a limo with my son and his friends for his bday party - and I'm getting suicidal texts from my guy. OR him smoking heroin the night before a family trip to see his folks for a week... him at first hiding it, then getting caught, and then saying F it - and smoking freely in the house (while boys are sleeping)... cause he knows we ALL are getting on an airplane together for a holiday in a few hours! Or how about him running out to do n20 in between homework questions... and me just not knowing quite how to STOP all of it!
What about finding empty pens or rolled up bills? Is that what I want them to remember in their childhood?
Do the children deserve THAT? NOWAY!!!!!!!!!
What about finding empty pens or rolled up bills? Is that what I want them to remember in their childhood?
Do the children deserve THAT? NOWAY!!!!!!!!!
It's funny... my ex husband was a great guy in that he played the field of marriage and being a husband there during holidays, etc. but cheated on me.
At this point in my life, if it works it does... if it doesn't it doesn't. I'm not looking for marriage out of this guy or anyone for that matter. I have detached from him to the point that I don't care what happens. If he relapses, I wouldn't be surprised and move on. If he remains clean, okay, good for him... we can continue to do us. I'm not his cheerleader. I'm actually the opposite. That's where I'm at for now. He's gone away from me and my son and that's all that matters. I can now work on myself.
No problem... I figured a thread like this needed to be started. So many struggle with staying or leaving. Thanks for your reply. Very insightful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by Abundance
I was a lot more hands on than you are right now. Very tied up on an emotional level...
I guess this is where we differ. I'm not hands on with him while he's in rehab. I visit every now and then and awaiting the family therapy session to see if this is even salvageable. I don't accept collect calls and he hasn't attempted to call since going into rehab because he knows that's my boundary. I don't send him any items, hygiene, etc. He's on his own with his recovery. Will I allow him back into my house after 60days. No WAY! I have distanced myself completely from him. I just want to make this clear to everyone on here.... I AM NOT WRAPPED UP IN THIS MAN AND WONDERING WHAT HE IS DOING! HE WILL NOT COME BACK TO MY HOUSE. HE WILL WORK ON HIS OWN RECOVERY. I don't mean to yell, LOL.
Anyway - he was clean for 60 days and then relapsed. I took him back a few weeks later and it was slips after slips for 2 months. He then got on subutex and for a month he was trying to use morphine and subs at the same time. It didn't work. So, he then started huffing the n20..... then it was snorting xanax in large amounts. Resulting in snorting ritalin in gross amounts. It just wasn't ending... it was one thing after another. I wasn't prepared to say goodbye ... just when I would accept what has just happened - something new would happen. My head was so spun - it's not even funny. I'm still feeling wonky from it all and the fog of it. (sometimes i want to get in touch with him just say ... "omg! wasn't that just crazy?"
OMG... Too much Abs. This was crazy. I couldn't even imagine.
but then i realize that just like a drug is to an addict - he is my drug and that is my addiction talking. It IS crazy. It would get crazier the more he was not able to hide his addiction anymore. It's like he stopped trying so hard to cover it up cause what was the point - we all knew anyway. Where in the beginning - that took a lot of energy to try to keep it secret. If people would have just wrote him off from the very get go (a couple of friends did!), he would have just hit bottom faster!
True indeed. This is what I have done with my BF. I have written him off for now. Like above, tomorrow is a new day. I may wake up and say "f-U" and move on completely. For now, we remain friends and I support him minimally (as much as I can give without losing my sense of self).
Instead, many of us stood by him and helped him (in the end - hurt him by not having boundaries in place). Thing is - the most he gives weight to are the friends who aren't his friends any longer. He tries to be in denial about why - but he's got to know the truth. I would think.... but you never know.
So true and that is why his mother, his sister and myself have set our boundaries. And boy, they are up.
I thought standing by him was strong ... stronger than walking away. Then - I started heavy in my recovery and saw that it was stronger to walk away than stay. It's much harder to be on this side of the fence - to especially get to this side of the fence. I've got some really nice consequences staring at me right now.... and this is when a crystal ball sure would have been handy a year ago! Addiction is not unique, it does not make me unique being a co-addict, and the crazy making is not unique. Well, neither is the remedy for recovery. There are steps, tools, a guide, that says to "let go", "lovingly detach" ...etc. THAT IS SO BLOODY HARD! however - it is the remedy.
I think I am there Abs... I have detached. I'm not entangled in his chaos and in fact when I visit, I keep the conversations about news, children, etc. Once he starts to talk about his appts., etc., etc., I stop the conversation because it's not what I want to hear at this moment. This may sound harsh and maybe this is detaching with love, but I could care less.
A few months after taking him back he told me that he thought I was going to just be with him while in rehab (so that he stays) and then dump him when he gets out. I couldn't believe it.
Mine thinks the opposite, he believes I have already given up on having a relationship. When I say I love this man on this thread, this is to you guys.... I have not said this to him since he's been in rehab. I can't say it to him. I'm not willing to right now because I'm uncertain right now.
He was bracing himself for that to happen, meanwhile I was balls to the wall committed to him if he was sober. <------ there is so much reading between the lines there. What did he really mean? his thoughts/feelings were so off base.
In the end, he cheated on me and that was the straw to break the camels back. We were definitely heading in the direction of dismantling - but the "cute little red head" brought it all to a finish. When I found myself justifying it with it being "a once in a life time thing" (mile high club) "that is kind of hot" and "he didn't stay in touch with her" ... etc. I KNEW then that I was heading into a space I wanted no part of........ and I had to be done. Force it - make it happen - detox - let go - out of my life - painfully detach. Notice I didn't say "lovingly detach" - I hope that one day I will get to that point.... and he will know that I have lovingly detached.
I can't tell you what you should do - we all are to experience our own journey - i can only offer you my own personal experience.
Thank you again for this thread, it has been healing for me.
I guess this is where we differ. I'm not hands on with him while he's in rehab. I visit every now and then and awaiting the family therapy session to see if this is even salvageable. I don't accept collect calls and he hasn't attempted to call since going into rehab because he knows that's my boundary. I don't send him any items, hygiene, etc. He's on his own with his recovery. Will I allow him back into my house after 60days. No WAY! I have distanced myself completely from him. I just want to make this clear to everyone on here.... I AM NOT WRAPPED UP IN THIS MAN AND WONDERING WHAT HE IS DOING! HE WILL NOT COME BACK TO MY HOUSE. HE WILL WORK ON HIS OWN RECOVERY. I don't mean to yell, LOL.
Anyway - he was clean for 60 days and then relapsed. I took him back a few weeks later and it was slips after slips for 2 months. He then got on subutex and for a month he was trying to use morphine and subs at the same time. It didn't work. So, he then started huffing the n20..... then it was snorting xanax in large amounts. Resulting in snorting ritalin in gross amounts. It just wasn't ending... it was one thing after another. I wasn't prepared to say goodbye ... just when I would accept what has just happened - something new would happen. My head was so spun - it's not even funny. I'm still feeling wonky from it all and the fog of it. (sometimes i want to get in touch with him just say ... "omg! wasn't that just crazy?"
OMG... Too much Abs. This was crazy. I couldn't even imagine.
but then i realize that just like a drug is to an addict - he is my drug and that is my addiction talking. It IS crazy. It would get crazier the more he was not able to hide his addiction anymore. It's like he stopped trying so hard to cover it up cause what was the point - we all knew anyway. Where in the beginning - that took a lot of energy to try to keep it secret. If people would have just wrote him off from the very get go (a couple of friends did!), he would have just hit bottom faster!
True indeed. This is what I have done with my BF. I have written him off for now. Like above, tomorrow is a new day. I may wake up and say "f-U" and move on completely. For now, we remain friends and I support him minimally (as much as I can give without losing my sense of self).
Instead, many of us stood by him and helped him (in the end - hurt him by not having boundaries in place). Thing is - the most he gives weight to are the friends who aren't his friends any longer. He tries to be in denial about why - but he's got to know the truth. I would think.... but you never know.
So true and that is why his mother, his sister and myself have set our boundaries. And boy, they are up.
I thought standing by him was strong ... stronger than walking away. Then - I started heavy in my recovery and saw that it was stronger to walk away than stay. It's much harder to be on this side of the fence - to especially get to this side of the fence. I've got some really nice consequences staring at me right now.... and this is when a crystal ball sure would have been handy a year ago! Addiction is not unique, it does not make me unique being a co-addict, and the crazy making is not unique. Well, neither is the remedy for recovery. There are steps, tools, a guide, that says to "let go", "lovingly detach" ...etc. THAT IS SO BLOODY HARD! however - it is the remedy.
I think I am there Abs... I have detached. I'm not entangled in his chaos and in fact when I visit, I keep the conversations about news, children, etc. Once he starts to talk about his appts., etc., etc., I stop the conversation because it's not what I want to hear at this moment. This may sound harsh and maybe this is detaching with love, but I could care less.
A few months after taking him back he told me that he thought I was going to just be with him while in rehab (so that he stays) and then dump him when he gets out. I couldn't believe it.
Mine thinks the opposite, he believes I have already given up on having a relationship. When I say I love this man on this thread, this is to you guys.... I have not said this to him since he's been in rehab. I can't say it to him. I'm not willing to right now because I'm uncertain right now.
He was bracing himself for that to happen, meanwhile I was balls to the wall committed to him if he was sober. <------ there is so much reading between the lines there. What did he really mean? his thoughts/feelings were so off base.
In the end, he cheated on me and that was the straw to break the camels back. We were definitely heading in the direction of dismantling - but the "cute little red head" brought it all to a finish. When I found myself justifying it with it being "a once in a life time thing" (mile high club) "that is kind of hot" and "he didn't stay in touch with her" ... etc. I KNEW then that I was heading into a space I wanted no part of........ and I had to be done. Force it - make it happen - detox - let go - out of my life - painfully detach. Notice I didn't say "lovingly detach" - I hope that one day I will get to that point.... and he will know that I have lovingly detached.
I can't tell you what you should do - we all are to experience our own journey - i can only offer you my own personal experience.
Thank you again for this thread, it has been healing for me.
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Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING
I guess, my question is what are your experiences in maintaining a relationship after you have already been dating for some time with an addict who is seeking recovery?
The first few weeks after I met X, he said he was in love with me; we talked about marriage and babies; he invited me to live with him (if only for a short time). When we split it was just as abrupt. He gave no reason for leaving and then basically vanished from my life altogether.
Then last night I had a message from X. He was asking about some things of mine that were at his place. He said some nice things about the relationship we'd had, and they all seemed calculated to make me think, "Aw, he's not such a bad guy after all. He really values me." But all I could think about was the fact that he wasn't asking about ME - what I feel, how I'm doing, what my new place is like, whatever. I'm realizing with growing anger that actually, X doesn't care about these basic facts. That can only mean that he never cared about me as a person. I was an addiction, and all that mattered was the way I made HIM feel. All his inexplicable absences throughout our relationship - his failure to call, to answer the phone, to talk about what he was feeling - they didn't happen by mistake. They happened because he didn't care enough to act, or more likely because he found someone/something that made him feel better at that moment! Basically, he's a callous *&^%$ing human being and that's all there is to it
.If that inability to care about others is what underlies every bad thing that addicts do, then they're just a bad catch. That's what it boils down to. I mean who wants an uncaring, inattentive, callous, unreliable, abusive, lying, cheating thief in their life anyway? Not me. Life is tough for everyone, and if the addict in your life (or mine, or anybody else's) really has such a 'kind' or 'generous' soul 'underneath it all', then s/he has to learn how to show it... or else face judgment for their actions.
Last edited by lexington; 09-15-2009 at 10:43 AM.
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Originally Posted by lexington
All his inexplicable behaviours throughout our relationship - the absences, the failure to call or talk to me, or ask about me - they all meant that he'd found a better high. That's a callous way to treat another human being, plain and simple .
.I totally agree. I have a different experience though. (DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying this to be attacked that my situation is any better or different- Not rationalizing here, just stating facts.) LOL.
When by RBF relapsed, I cut him off before he even had the chance to explain himself, ask for something, manipulate, etc. I asked for no contact until I was ready to give it to him. I didn't allow his relapses to carry own for too long around me. The first one (he had his own place at the time) blew me away because I was new to recognizing the signs so it took me awhile to catch on and when he started really acting stupid I told him to stay at his place and work it out and not come over to my place. The second relapse, took me a week to recognize and he was off again, to rehab he went.
Oddly, he has always been receptive to hearing what I had to say. My emotions and my feelings. If I were to walk away today, I can say that I have my closure. Would it matter to him? Who knows... I don't care. It matters to me and that's ALL that matters.
Is he playing the field? For what? If he is, it will be revealed soon enough as everything else has.
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Originally Posted by lexington
If that inability to care about others is what underlies every bad thing that addicts do, then they're just a bad catch. That's what it boils down to. I mean who wants an uncaring, inattentive, callous, unreliable, abusive, lying, cheating thief in their life anyway? Not me. Life is tough for everyone, and if the addict in your life (or mine, or anybody else's) really has such a 'kind' or 'generous' soul 'underneath it all', then s/he has to learn how to show it... or else face judgment for their actions.
However, I believe that there are some addicts out there that have this "kind" or "generous" soul underneath. Those are the addicts I have much respect for and people do recover from addictions. If I looked at every recovering addict as the "uncaring, inattentive, callous, unreliable, etc...." person, then where does that put me on the totem pole?
I am witness on these boards to seeing how recovery can work and how people can change their attitudes and behaviors and be trusted again and also regain respect from others that was lost in their addiction. I am witness to recovering addicts on these boards caring and being kind and generous in their own lives. You can see it in their posts. So, for them kudos. I can't generalize all addicts who are in recovery.
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Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING
I'm sorry Lexington that you are feeling this way today. I know the feelings of anger and being treated second class to drugs. It's all consuming if you let it get to you. I have to keep chanting to myself, "He's an addict, don't be surprised."
I totally agree. I have a different experience though. (DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying this to be attacked that my situation is any better or different- Not rationalizing here, just stating facts.) LOL.
When by RBF relapsed, I cut him off before he even had the chance to explain himself, ask for something, manipulate, etc. I asked for no contact until I was ready to give it to him. I didn't allow his relapses to carry own for too long around me. The first one (he had his own place at the time) blew me away because I was new to recognizing the signs so it took me awhile to catch on and when he started really acting stupid I told him to stay at his place and work it out and not come over to my place. The second relapse, took me a week to recognize and he was off again, to rehab he went.
Oddly, he has always been receptive to hearing what I had to say. My emotions and my feelings. If I were to walk away today, I can say that I have my closure. Would it matter to him? Who knows... I don't care. It matters to me and that's ALL that matters. Is he playing the field? For what? If he is, it will be revealed soon enough as everything else has.
I totally agree. I have a different experience though. (DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying this to be attacked that my situation is any better or different- Not rationalizing here, just stating facts.) LOL.
When by RBF relapsed, I cut him off before he even had the chance to explain himself, ask for something, manipulate, etc. I asked for no contact until I was ready to give it to him. I didn't allow his relapses to carry own for too long around me. The first one (he had his own place at the time) blew me away because I was new to recognizing the signs so it took me awhile to catch on and when he started really acting stupid I told him to stay at his place and work it out and not come over to my place. The second relapse, took me a week to recognize and he was off again, to rehab he went.
Oddly, he has always been receptive to hearing what I had to say. My emotions and my feelings. If I were to walk away today, I can say that I have my closure. Would it matter to him? Who knows... I don't care. It matters to me and that's ALL that matters.
Is he playing the field? For what? If he is, it will be revealed soon enough as everything else has.Member
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Originally Posted by lexington
At the end of the day, you have to go through this process to decide what you feel about it. I AM angry at X but I am not just having a bad day; my final decision about addicts IS that I will never, ever date another one. But I respect the way that you're looking at your relationship with an open mind and not letting your emotions sweep you away. If you do, be aware that he may well decide that he can manipulate you through your emotions. But I hope not, for your sake!
I can completely understand how you feel about dating an addict, period. I would have to say that after this experience, if we don't continue with the relationship, i won't either.
As far as him manipulating me... I had enough with that... I have learned my lessons. He is completely on his own to rebuild and well after that. I'm so stubborn to the point that if he asked me for a pen to borrow I would tell him HELL NO. LOL.
Honestly, I have done an inventory on all my relationships in the past and my marriage and the one common thing that keeps coming up is that I was just too freakin nice. From now on, men can't ask me for a damn thing! Not a pen, a piece of paper, gum, whatever. I'm exaggerating a bit, but you see my point.
To thine own self be true.
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I don't have the energy to dissect your post sentence by sentence.
There is just too much in your post to keep going and it's exhausting.
thanks for putting me on the chopping block
I wish for it to continue to in a supportive manner.
There is just too much in your post to keep going and it's exhausting.
thanks for putting me on the chopping block
I wish for it to continue to in a supportive manner.
Please also know that my post IS support. It doesn't look or read like the kind of support you want or are looking for, but it is. I've done my duty. Take what you like, leave the rest.
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LOL Donna! 
I can totally picture it - thanks for the visual - had me LOLing!
LS and HK... I don't even know what to say. Thank you so much for saying all of that. I can't tell you just how much it means to me. I go back and forth on thinking where I'm at in my recovery - I tend to be my harshest critic.
UR: Thank you, as well. It takes a long while and I'm on this journey for the long haul.
When I became a mother - I remember comparing my son with other children for the first year. I would tell myself not to - and I would stop - and then I find out something new.... and again I go and start comparing. When I got pregnant with #2 - (20 months apart in age) - I learned about 'attachment parenting' by Dr. Sears. FINALLY - an author/pediatrician who spoke in my language! He talks about us looking after ourselves and doing what feels right and best for us. Where we are not having battles within about this or that ..... because the babies pick up on it - they read energy the most! i.e. - we co slept with our babies and when my youngest would kick me in the night - I would just re-arrange him next to me and fall back asleep. Well, eventually, I started to get a bit annoyed and then he was re-acting to my annoyance and then no-one was getting a good night sleep. So, I changed it up...... I moved him to the crib. It was an adjustment - but everyone was so much better off!
My point is ... that there is no wrong or right way - accept to honor our selves/be true to ourselves.
It's great that you are finding out so much information..... and you have your head about you. I'll be interested in seeing your story unfold....
I can totally picture it - thanks for the visual - had me LOLing!
Originally Posted by lightseeker
(imagine Igor in Young Frankenstein saying "walk this way" and you get a better picture of my gait pattern after all of this).
LS and HK... I don't even know what to say. Thank you so much for saying all of that. I can't tell you just how much it means to me. I go back and forth on thinking where I'm at in my recovery - I tend to be my harshest critic.
UR: Thank you, as well. It takes a long while and I'm on this journey for the long haul.
When I became a mother - I remember comparing my son with other children for the first year. I would tell myself not to - and I would stop - and then I find out something new.... and again I go and start comparing. When I got pregnant with #2 - (20 months apart in age) - I learned about 'attachment parenting' by Dr. Sears. FINALLY - an author/pediatrician who spoke in my language! He talks about us looking after ourselves and doing what feels right and best for us. Where we are not having battles within about this or that ..... because the babies pick up on it - they read energy the most! i.e. - we co slept with our babies and when my youngest would kick me in the night - I would just re-arrange him next to me and fall back asleep. Well, eventually, I started to get a bit annoyed and then he was re-acting to my annoyance and then no-one was getting a good night sleep. So, I changed it up...... I moved him to the crib. It was an adjustment - but everyone was so much better off!
My point is ... that there is no wrong or right way - accept to honor our selves/be true to ourselves.
It's great that you are finding out so much information..... and you have your head about you. I'll be interested in seeing your story unfold....
To thine own self be true.
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ABUNDANCE,
I tried to PM you but your mailbox is full.
What I wanted to say in my PM is that I too have noticed an INCREDIBLE difference in your posts since you dumped that guy. I remember distinctly the one you wrote when you finally SCREAMED it all out and let go because I printed it and posted it in plain view to read over and over.
Your posts have taken on a whole new quality, lighter, freer. I am so glad that you have come to this point in your Recovery. It's weird how when we have addiction in our lives, OUR thinking becomes as chaotic and confused as THEIRS. And then, when we let go, it's like we are CLEAN from our drug. It's very clear to me just by reading your posts. Way to go!
I tried to PM you but your mailbox is full.
What I wanted to say in my PM is that I too have noticed an INCREDIBLE difference in your posts since you dumped that guy. I remember distinctly the one you wrote when you finally SCREAMED it all out and let go because I printed it and posted it in plain view to read over and over.
Your posts have taken on a whole new quality, lighter, freer. I am so glad that you have come to this point in your Recovery. It's weird how when we have addiction in our lives, OUR thinking becomes as chaotic and confused as THEIRS. And then, when we let go, it's like we are CLEAN from our drug. It's very clear to me just by reading your posts. Way to go!
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Honestly, I have done an inventory on all my relationships in the past and my marriage and the one common thing that keeps coming up is that I was just too freakin nice. From now on, men can't ask me for a damn thing! Not a pen, a piece of paper, gum, whatever. I'm exaggerating a bit, but you see my point.
Oh... so my point is... it's not fair for others to suffer the consequences that others have brought on. While at the same time - the more we grown in our recovery - the more our guard comes down and we are more trusting of ourselves.
..............................
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