Maintaining a Relationship while Recovering
[QUOTE=bluejay6;2363735]
Your posts have the tone of the Bargaining stage of grief. You seem to be looking for a way around having to let him go, perhaps for good, or certainly for a significant amount of time.
Blujay, I haven't looked at it as grief but I guess you are right. In a sense I'm grieving what we had prior to the relapses. I have gone back and forth of to stay or to leave. It was a rough week but this week is starting out good. I visited him yesterday and spoke with him about my feelings. Of course, he wanted to jump in and fix it but we both know that isn't the way things go. He's in recovery which is VERY important to him and I'm in recovery as well and still healing from the damage of his relapse. Nonetheless, we are both commited to making this work and that is what counts.
Have you ever heard from your ex? He's been gone 3 years now... what have you been doing in the meantime?
Your posts have the tone of the Bargaining stage of grief. You seem to be looking for a way around having to let him go, perhaps for good, or certainly for a significant amount of time.
Blujay, I haven't looked at it as grief but I guess you are right. In a sense I'm grieving what we had prior to the relapses. I have gone back and forth of to stay or to leave. It was a rough week but this week is starting out good. I visited him yesterday and spoke with him about my feelings. Of course, he wanted to jump in and fix it but we both know that isn't the way things go. He's in recovery which is VERY important to him and I'm in recovery as well and still healing from the damage of his relapse. Nonetheless, we are both commited to making this work and that is what counts.
Have you ever heard from your ex? He's been gone 3 years now... what have you been doing in the meantime?
Well, he is making peace with his ex? Good start!! You mention the revolving doors, sounds exhausting and scary. Its funny but I often think I have the solution to my "ex" partner and when I read stories I take a step back. I appreciate your thoughts on your situation. It really helps make me think.
Bluejay's story has made me think too. Ten years of being clean and then a relapse!! Can it depend on the drug used if the addict is more prone to relapsing??
I know you are missing him, Im missing my man too. Its lonely. Wouldnt it be great if we lived close by?? We could meet for a coffee and talk the whole day on what we can do to ease our minds!!!!
Bluejay's story has made me think too. Ten years of being clean and then a relapse!! Can it depend on the drug used if the addict is more prone to relapsing??
I know you are missing him, Im missing my man too. Its lonely. Wouldnt it be great if we lived close by?? We could meet for a coffee and talk the whole day on what we can do to ease our minds!!!!
I think relapse depends more on the behaviors of the person rather than the drug of choice. They (researchers) say that Heroin users are more prone to relapses and have less recovery times than other substance abusers. I don't know... I'm still on the fence about that one. I think that if a person wants recovery, they will work it to the end and make it work regardless of the drug of choice.
Envelope, that would be great if we weren't an ocean apart. We could probably share some interesting stories.
Lexington,
You are so right.. I have to keep telling myself to not compare my situation to that of others. Even when reading some posts on here and hearing stories that don't make it out of the trenches and end up in seperation or divorce. It's just so draining some days.. not every couple works the same. Not every addict in recovery works the same. Not every couple dealing with addictions and recovery operate the same way. I know in some posts, I say RUN but that's only when someone is actively using. If the addict is making a strong effort to get clean and his actions are showing it, then give it a try. Work through it, especially if there are children involved. But, to each it's own. Each individual has to set the limit on what they are willing to tolerate and how much hurt they will subject themselves to. That song, not sure of the title, keeps playing in my head... TTTIIMMMEE is on my side, yes it is... LOL.
You are so right.. I have to keep telling myself to not compare my situation to that of others. Even when reading some posts on here and hearing stories that don't make it out of the trenches and end up in seperation or divorce. It's just so draining some days.. not every couple works the same. Not every addict in recovery works the same. Not every couple dealing with addictions and recovery operate the same way. I know in some posts, I say RUN but that's only when someone is actively using. If the addict is making a strong effort to get clean and his actions are showing it, then give it a try. Work through it, especially if there are children involved. But, to each it's own. Each individual has to set the limit on what they are willing to tolerate and how much hurt they will subject themselves to. That song, not sure of the title, keeps playing in my head... TTTIIMMMEE is on my side, yes it is... LOL.
Re: what I've been doing while the ex is still out there: recovery.
Daily contact with recovering people in my personal life and weekly therapy. I bought an old house and made it beautiful and that project reflects the inner reclamation. I made new friends, I started walking every day, I continued my creative work, I read a library of books on addictions and disorders. I found a favorite coffee shop and go there and read the NY Times every day to take me outside me and into the world. And I have found ways to help others.
The first year he was gone, I was sure any moment, surely any minute now, he would be at my door. That was my denial stage. The daily nausea continued.
The second year he was gone, I thought maybe he had finally hit bottom and was back in recovery and needed a full year before he contacted me. That was a combination of my denial and my bargaining. The daily nausea continued.
At times in both years I had floods of anger and wrote it out or took it to therapy.
I was so focused on the pain HE must be in, that I did not realize how cruel to me his silence was. It took my therapist a year to finally say "It's brutal, what he's doing."
This last year, I've had no nausea and I think of him less often through the day, though I still do think of him every day. I have not been interested in dating or meeting new men, but finally at least I am beginning to let down the wall a bit and be a little open to the possibility of loving someone else.
For the first two years I often asked God to bring him back. Good that God did not listen to me. Now I ask God to do what is best and take care of us both.
My innocence was finally shattered by this man. I don't know why he was the one to do it...I'd been hurt before, was not a stranger to what addicts can do......but this one, this man, because of his recovery, I guess, I thought he WAS the 12 steps.....I was very very naive about drug addiction. So...shock and nausea and disbelief. It was outside my experience to have someone make such a 360 turn. Even the alkies I had known...I could visibly see when they were drunk and why they did what they did. Drug addiction...heroin...it's like a silent lethal gas. Like carbon monoxide. It's killing everything in the room and people are still smiling.
I think battling that drug and the brain that craves it like air must be the most intense war in the world. That is why I believe my man needs, if he has the opportunity and the will, complete and utter focus on recovery for a long time. With every relapse, it is harder and harder to come back.
People out there in the world....they do not know how complex and even mythological this fight against the drug is, for both the addict and the woman who loves him. Our culture says, in its logical American way, "move on. You deserve better. Get over it."
We are deeply complicated human beings with aeons of human stories living inside us, fated connections, and ancestral histories still being played out. Our love stories are not rational and they are not easily explained.
But once one knows and really gets what KILLS addiction, what STARVES it, then one can still make the right choices, in spite of the heartache and the hurricane of emotion. One can still do the right thing.
I still think my man will be back. If I stopped thinking that, it would be because I had given up hope that he will save his life by returning to the source of that which saved him the first time: the 12 Steps. If he returns to the 12 steps, well, one of those is, among other things, about me. I am unwilling for now to let go my hope for him.
But I do not any longer assume I would commit my heart to him again. Nor that he would be asking for it.
I hope your story has a happy ending. It has good possibilities.
Bluejay
Daily contact with recovering people in my personal life and weekly therapy. I bought an old house and made it beautiful and that project reflects the inner reclamation. I made new friends, I started walking every day, I continued my creative work, I read a library of books on addictions and disorders. I found a favorite coffee shop and go there and read the NY Times every day to take me outside me and into the world. And I have found ways to help others.
The first year he was gone, I was sure any moment, surely any minute now, he would be at my door. That was my denial stage. The daily nausea continued.
The second year he was gone, I thought maybe he had finally hit bottom and was back in recovery and needed a full year before he contacted me. That was a combination of my denial and my bargaining. The daily nausea continued.
At times in both years I had floods of anger and wrote it out or took it to therapy.
I was so focused on the pain HE must be in, that I did not realize how cruel to me his silence was. It took my therapist a year to finally say "It's brutal, what he's doing."
This last year, I've had no nausea and I think of him less often through the day, though I still do think of him every day. I have not been interested in dating or meeting new men, but finally at least I am beginning to let down the wall a bit and be a little open to the possibility of loving someone else.
For the first two years I often asked God to bring him back. Good that God did not listen to me. Now I ask God to do what is best and take care of us both.
My innocence was finally shattered by this man. I don't know why he was the one to do it...I'd been hurt before, was not a stranger to what addicts can do......but this one, this man, because of his recovery, I guess, I thought he WAS the 12 steps.....I was very very naive about drug addiction. So...shock and nausea and disbelief. It was outside my experience to have someone make such a 360 turn. Even the alkies I had known...I could visibly see when they were drunk and why they did what they did. Drug addiction...heroin...it's like a silent lethal gas. Like carbon monoxide. It's killing everything in the room and people are still smiling.
I think battling that drug and the brain that craves it like air must be the most intense war in the world. That is why I believe my man needs, if he has the opportunity and the will, complete and utter focus on recovery for a long time. With every relapse, it is harder and harder to come back.
People out there in the world....they do not know how complex and even mythological this fight against the drug is, for both the addict and the woman who loves him. Our culture says, in its logical American way, "move on. You deserve better. Get over it."
We are deeply complicated human beings with aeons of human stories living inside us, fated connections, and ancestral histories still being played out. Our love stories are not rational and they are not easily explained.
But once one knows and really gets what KILLS addiction, what STARVES it, then one can still make the right choices, in spite of the heartache and the hurricane of emotion. One can still do the right thing.
I still think my man will be back. If I stopped thinking that, it would be because I had given up hope that he will save his life by returning to the source of that which saved him the first time: the 12 Steps. If he returns to the 12 steps, well, one of those is, among other things, about me. I am unwilling for now to let go my hope for him.
But I do not any longer assume I would commit my heart to him again. Nor that he would be asking for it.
I hope your story has a happy ending. It has good possibilities.
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: South Africa
Posts: 34
So are you making it work - the relationship, or only focusing on the time to heal apart? It must have been difficult to see him!!
I agree on your wish; If I had only one wish, it would be to cure all addictions.
Funny I say to myself often and as if my partner can hear me; "I wish you werent like this, and could be normal. I take your struggles away and find the solution ..."
I agree on your wish; If I had only one wish, it would be to cure all addictions.
Funny I say to myself often and as if my partner can hear me; "I wish you werent like this, and could be normal. I take your struggles away and find the solution ..."
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I'm Not Buying It
Hi URMYEVERYTHING.
I read your posts. Here are my opinions. I apologize that they are blunt. But I've done that on purpose--not to be mean, but to be direct with you-- the way my sister is with me. I hope you understand that I am telling you these things out of Love.
Please take what you like, and leave the rest.
I had one of these guys too. Crack. I too admired him for recovering from it. We were engaged. It was a life-altering experience to say the least.
Denial. You are ignoring the fact that this guy you are obviously "in love" with is a Criminal.
You are dismissing this HUGE RED FLAG by excusing his behavior as "not handling" his probation violation, in the same way I would describe someone forgetting to renew their car registration or neglecting to call the dentist for a check-up.
You also excuse his criminality by rationalizing that the warrant for his Arrest is OLD.
Have you also forgotten that heroin is Illegal?
And do you have ANY idea the kind of places heroin addicts buy and shoot their drugs, and the "kind" of PEOPLE they do this with?
And do you realize that HE is "that kind" of people too?
I'm not trying to scare you but do you know how much higher his risk (and therefore your risk) is for contracting syphilis, gonorrhea, AIDS and other STDs than the non-heroin addicted population? (I do suggest you have yourself STD-tested AND get the vaccine series for Hepatitis C) since he seems to have no problem shooting heroin without letting you know, therefore denying you the choice of sleeping with him or not.
They don't call Heroin Addicts "Poison People" for nothing.
You are a Reactor (meaning: CoDependent). You fed right into it. The Dance. And you're still dancing.
Denial. I have an ENTIRE LIFETIME of experience dealing with and living with active addiction and alcoholism, abuse, neglect, and mental illness. I have been in Recovery for 12 years, have lived with, loved and tried to "help" several alcoholics, 3 coke heads, 1 pill head, and 2 crack heads, among others. I have read more books than would be necessary to fill a public library. I also have two undergraduate degrees and a Master's degree. But NONE of that allows me to or makes it easier for me to, live with and love a person who is addicted to heroin, cocaine, crack or meth, in a peaceful, serene, predictable or healthy manner. It is even more difficult for a child.
That is why we pay rehabs, prisons, hospitals and doctors so much money. I'm sorry.
You have the power to choose. Choose serenity, peace, and health for yourself and your son.
I also know what I need to do when I see them coming or when I wake up and they're in my house. But I don't. Because I am just like you. You are refusing to see THE TRUTH because you want to believe that Love is greater and stronger than the truth. It's not. That is Magical Thinking.
Nor is Love greater or stronger than Heroin.
Heroin is much BETTER, STRONGER, and FASTER than Love, Sex, or Happily Ever After.
You have hopes and dreams for a future with this man and the odds are completely against you. I'm sorry.
Painful. A Lie. Life-Threatening. SHEER HELL. I'm sorry.
Denial. You are rationalizing: "Oh, the "rules" don't apply to US because we started a relationship BEFORE he relapsed." First, these are not rules. Second, there are no rules. Thinking there ARE rules is how ADDICTS think: "What are the rules and can I meet them? If not, how do I get around them?" You are doing the same as an addict.
Denial. Magical Thinking.
Congratulations for refusing to buy him a calling card but you sound like a Mom reporting on what her second grader did last week. And I don't buy the "Yeah for me".
What is your goal in or reason for wanting to "support" him?
My advice is to bite the bullet and split up. Then run as fast as you possibly can.
Denial. Honey, he did NOT lose a limb. It is NOT the same thing. It is not even NEAR the same thing.
And by the way, unless I missed something, you have made no marital commitment to this person to stand by him in sickness or in health. Please notice and admit (as I had to do after my eighth "committed" relationship) that you were simply shacked up; not married.
Denial. "Oh, he's more than just a plain old Heroin addict! Look at all this EVIDENCE." (Forget all the evidence that he is a continuously relapsing heroin addict).
We are just like them. Read this paragraph again. Do you realize that HE is YOUR Drug of Choice.?
I'm very glad you believe in hope and prayer. Please start hoping and praying that you get away from this person as quickly as possible. He is not going to magically turn into the man you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with. Accept him for who he is.
I read your posts. Here are my opinions. I apologize that they are blunt. But I've done that on purpose--not to be mean, but to be direct with you-- the way my sister is with me. I hope you understand that I am telling you these things out of Love.
Please take what you like, and leave the rest.
When we met, he was sober with 5 years clean.
he was pulled over and taken into jail for a VOP that he did not handle from 10 years ago
You are dismissing this HUGE RED FLAG by excusing his behavior as "not handling" his probation violation, in the same way I would describe someone forgetting to renew their car registration or neglecting to call the dentist for a check-up.
You also excuse his criminality by rationalizing that the warrant for his Arrest is OLD.
Have you also forgotten that heroin is Illegal?
And do you have ANY idea the kind of places heroin addicts buy and shoot their drugs, and the "kind" of PEOPLE they do this with?
And do you realize that HE is "that kind" of people too?
I'm not trying to scare you but do you know how much higher his risk (and therefore your risk) is for contracting syphilis, gonorrhea, AIDS and other STDs than the non-heroin addicted population? (I do suggest you have yourself STD-tested AND get the vaccine series for Hepatitis C) since he seems to have no problem shooting heroin without letting you know, therefore denying you the choice of sleeping with him or not.
They don't call Heroin Addicts "Poison People" for nothing.
we had a good month until he relapsed in August, using 1 week until I caught him and kicked him out of the house
I have set up boundaries and yes I go to meetings, read books on addiction and I'm a therapist ... So, I know what I need to do in reference to setting up boundaries and taking care of myself and my son which most of you in here now I have.
That is why we pay rehabs, prisons, hospitals and doctors so much money. I'm sorry.
You have the power to choose. Choose serenity, peace, and health for yourself and your son.
I also know what I need to do when I see them coming or when I wake up and they're in my house. But I don't. Because I am just like you. You are refusing to see THE TRUTH because you want to believe that Love is greater and stronger than the truth. It's not. That is Magical Thinking.
Nor is Love greater or stronger than Heroin.
Heroin is much BETTER, STRONGER, and FASTER than Love, Sex, or Happily Ever After.
You have hopes and dreams for a future with this man and the odds are completely against you. I'm sorry.
I guess, my question is what are your experiences in maintaining a relationship after you have already been dating for some time with an addict who is seeking recovery?
I know they say no new relationships within your first year of sobriety but this is obviously a relationship we started prior to his relapses and while he was in sobriety.
WE both want to remain together and he has signed us up for family therapy to work through the relapse behaviors, anger, etc., etc.
Any feedback would help. I had a rough day yesterday on if I should stay or not. He is working his program, his counselor gives me good feedback on him, he keeps in touch through letters (because I'm not buying calling cards and not accepting collect calls-- yeah for me), he has accepted the work that he needs to put into his recovery and is doing very well.
I also wanted to know what support can I be to him at this time.
Where does our relationship stand in terms of if it's a matter of splitting up and hooking back up again later or stay together? This is weird. Definitely not a typical relationship (if there ever is one).
If he had a limb cut off by a tragic accident it surely would change our world but would I even consider these same thoughts of leaving him? Not likely. UUUGGGHHH!
And by the way, unless I missed something, you have made no marital commitment to this person to stand by him in sickness or in health. Please notice and admit (as I had to do after my eighth "committed" relationship) that you were simply shacked up; not married.
Oh, to add, you will probably ask me what attracted me to this man. Well, he was employed as a counselor, had his own place, his own car, responsible, good credit (at that time after years of rebuilding it), his co-workers respected him, his upfront honesty and his loving nature.
I was able to experience all of this with him and in 2 months it was all gone. I know there is a thing called fantasy thinking... but.... I was able to experience part of that fantasy and, boy, do I miss that man. I guess I am praying that he returns to this man and I do believe in hope and prayer
I'm very glad you believe in hope and prayer. Please start hoping and praying that you get away from this person as quickly as possible. He is not going to magically turn into the man you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with. Accept him for who he is.
Wow!
First, Blujay.. thanks for your post. It was very heartfelt. I can admire your strength and ability to make it through. I applaud you for that and be able to write it with such grace. Thank you so much for sharing.
First, Blujay.. thanks for your post. It was very heartfelt. I can admire your strength and ability to make it through. I applaud you for that and be able to write it with such grace. Thank you so much for sharing.
hi - I've read your posts on this thread and can hear your turmoil. It's very difficult to be in the middle of this much uncertainy. I'm sure that you've answered this question in another post but I was wondering about your screen name....urmyeverything. That just sounds so in conflict with
"With or without him, I'm fabulous and in a comfortable position. My purpose is to not have that life I have built for myself disrupted. My purpose is to preserve that. "
I'm hoping that you mean yourself or your son when you chose that name. Anyway, I definitely see your conflict as you struggle regarding the situation. One thing that I have learned is that each person is going to do exactly what they want in this sort of situation. Opinions might be offered but rarely does anyone do anything but what they want. I know that that is what I did back when I joined in 2005. "We" were different, had a unique commitment, REALLY wanted it to work, knew what it would take, and were going to do whatever it took.
Well.....I am nice and worn out now. He has stayed sober for 4 years - but like everyone says....he just has today. I'll never have the security that someone has with a spouse that is not an addict. That doesn't mean that there are any guarantees with anyone but most of my friends aren't living with the threat that their lives may literally go up in smoke or get snaked through a needle either. We still have all of the other health and fidelity risks that every couple has - just the very real risk of relapse as well. We are still together but the love that bound us so very tightly has been eroded by all the craziness of sobriety and recovery.
I just ate lunch with 2 friends that were talking about how lucky they felt to be married to their best friend. My husband is very very far from that person. I might be his best friend but he's definitely not even on my short list. We obviously didn't start out that way....it felt like the most amazing "pre destined" love that ever was. It did feel like he was the sun, the moon, and the stars. Oh well......what a fall from grace.
My story nor anyone elses will actually end up influencing you. You will do what is best for you and that's the important thing. I am grateful for my own recovery because it's the only thing that has allowed me to salvage even a little bit of sanity. It sounds like you are dedicated to doing your own work so no matter what happens you will always have that. The rooms of people are full of people that understand....
I understand your dilemma but sure do wish that someone had been able to find the one thing to say that would have gotten through to me. Likely, there isn't anything because a lot of people sure did try and I didn't listen. As they say - it takes what it takes.
I honestly do wish you the best because your story would provide a lot of inspiration to others. This is a crazy journey and I'm glad that you have found SR
"With or without him, I'm fabulous and in a comfortable position. My purpose is to not have that life I have built for myself disrupted. My purpose is to preserve that. "
I'm hoping that you mean yourself or your son when you chose that name. Anyway, I definitely see your conflict as you struggle regarding the situation. One thing that I have learned is that each person is going to do exactly what they want in this sort of situation. Opinions might be offered but rarely does anyone do anything but what they want. I know that that is what I did back when I joined in 2005. "We" were different, had a unique commitment, REALLY wanted it to work, knew what it would take, and were going to do whatever it took.
Well.....I am nice and worn out now. He has stayed sober for 4 years - but like everyone says....he just has today. I'll never have the security that someone has with a spouse that is not an addict. That doesn't mean that there are any guarantees with anyone but most of my friends aren't living with the threat that their lives may literally go up in smoke or get snaked through a needle either. We still have all of the other health and fidelity risks that every couple has - just the very real risk of relapse as well. We are still together but the love that bound us so very tightly has been eroded by all the craziness of sobriety and recovery.
I just ate lunch with 2 friends that were talking about how lucky they felt to be married to their best friend. My husband is very very far from that person. I might be his best friend but he's definitely not even on my short list. We obviously didn't start out that way....it felt like the most amazing "pre destined" love that ever was. It did feel like he was the sun, the moon, and the stars. Oh well......what a fall from grace.
My story nor anyone elses will actually end up influencing you. You will do what is best for you and that's the important thing. I am grateful for my own recovery because it's the only thing that has allowed me to salvage even a little bit of sanity. It sounds like you are dedicated to doing your own work so no matter what happens you will always have that. The rooms of people are full of people that understand....
I understand your dilemma but sure do wish that someone had been able to find the one thing to say that would have gotten through to me. Likely, there isn't anything because a lot of people sure did try and I didn't listen. As they say - it takes what it takes.
I honestly do wish you the best because your story would provide a lot of inspiration to others. This is a crazy journey and I'm glad that you have found SR
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 26
Lexington,
You are so right.. I have to keep telling myself to not compare my situation to that of others. Even when reading some posts on here and hearing stories that don't make it out of the trenches and end up in seperation or divorce. It's just so draining some days.. not every couple works the same. Not every addict in recovery works the same. Not every couple dealing with addictions and recovery operate the same way. I know in some posts, I say RUN but that's only when someone is actively using. If the addict is making a strong effort to get clean and his actions are showing it, then give it a try. Work through it, especially if there are children involved. .
You are so right.. I have to keep telling myself to not compare my situation to that of others. Even when reading some posts on here and hearing stories that don't make it out of the trenches and end up in seperation or divorce. It's just so draining some days.. not every couple works the same. Not every addict in recovery works the same. Not every couple dealing with addictions and recovery operate the same way. I know in some posts, I say RUN but that's only when someone is actively using. If the addict is making a strong effort to get clean and his actions are showing it, then give it a try. Work through it, especially if there are children involved. .
Second, WOW, Learn2Live... I'm sorry things have not worked out for you in the past, however, I don't have the energy to dissect your post sentence by sentence to make my point. I appreciate your feedback. As you started off by saying in your first sentence... they are merely opinions (blunt indeed) but opinions.
Third, I am NOT making excuses for this man or rationalizing anything. I simply stated the facts of his history. I guess I didn't take in mind that someone would come along and pick word by word and read in between the lines of my wording. He is an addict. I get that. He is a criminal and has engaged in criminal behavior with his addiction, I get that. I know what dangers come along with addiction and someone using, I get that. However, the way your post reads is that an addict cannot recover and ever be looked at as a respectable person after addiction, ever again as long as they shall live. THAT I DISAGREE WITH. I would say this has to be your own denial and/or your lack of hope and I'm truly sorry this has been your experience. My experience was I was married to a non-addict, whom cheated on me and laid his penis everywhere.. (unknown to me, of course) still putting me at the same risk as an addict would and treated me the same way an addict would (disconnected, depressed and non-communicative). As soon as I had enough.. I divorced him. Life has no guarantees and neither does a man (addict or not). I'm not a fool Learn2Live.... it may take me a minute to recollect... but not a fool. I have said that I'm keeping myself protected and when the time comes for me to say enough.. I am fully capable of pulling the cord.
Also, I never claimed to be a specialist with addiction in regards to helping my BF. That's where I take the backseat. I'm fully aware of this. Thanks for your insightful feedback though. I wouldn't have given all of those people, as you have, my time and energy unless I'm at work.
Support- yeah, support.
I don't know what your idea of support is but just talking to an addict about the simple things in life can be support. I do it everyday on my job. Visiting them can be support. It is often said on here to not support an addict unless they are willing to seek treatment and recovery. For now, that is what he is choosing to do and I will support him through that. BF or not! But thanks for putting me on the chopping block as me being in DENIAL because I choose to do that. I am able to judge how much I can put on my plate. When the plate starts to overflow... it's time to put some of that food into the garbage disposal and let it go.
Oh, not getting him a calling card... yes, is an accomplishment for me. Reporting as a mother?? Not likely... but reporting from a person who isn't going to enable anymore. Someone who has worked through the temptation to not give into the BS. So, for that, YEAH FOR ME!! I give myself a pat on the back for that.
I'm a "reactor" for kicking him out of the house when I found out he relapsed? So, what would you have suggested? Keep him here and work it out? Not react? Really? Are you even human?
There is just too much in your post to keep going and it's exhausting.
But one more thing, Yes, I believe in hope and prayer. Please do not direct or advise me on what to pray for ("to get away from this person as quickly as possible"). I pray for guidance in this situation as I do with all difficult situations. If it is meant to be that we do not remain together, it will be shown this at the time it needs to be shown.
For now... I write on here to vent and get my feelings out. I come on here to read others experiences to gain insight and hopefully help others. It has been helping me since I joined and I wish for it to continue to in a supportive manner.
Thanks again for your opinions.
Third, I am NOT making excuses for this man or rationalizing anything. I simply stated the facts of his history. I guess I didn't take in mind that someone would come along and pick word by word and read in between the lines of my wording. He is an addict. I get that. He is a criminal and has engaged in criminal behavior with his addiction, I get that. I know what dangers come along with addiction and someone using, I get that. However, the way your post reads is that an addict cannot recover and ever be looked at as a respectable person after addiction, ever again as long as they shall live. THAT I DISAGREE WITH. I would say this has to be your own denial and/or your lack of hope and I'm truly sorry this has been your experience. My experience was I was married to a non-addict, whom cheated on me and laid his penis everywhere.. (unknown to me, of course) still putting me at the same risk as an addict would and treated me the same way an addict would (disconnected, depressed and non-communicative). As soon as I had enough.. I divorced him. Life has no guarantees and neither does a man (addict or not). I'm not a fool Learn2Live.... it may take me a minute to recollect... but not a fool. I have said that I'm keeping myself protected and when the time comes for me to say enough.. I am fully capable of pulling the cord.
Also, I never claimed to be a specialist with addiction in regards to helping my BF. That's where I take the backseat. I'm fully aware of this. Thanks for your insightful feedback though. I wouldn't have given all of those people, as you have, my time and energy unless I'm at work.
Support- yeah, support.
I don't know what your idea of support is but just talking to an addict about the simple things in life can be support. I do it everyday on my job. Visiting them can be support. It is often said on here to not support an addict unless they are willing to seek treatment and recovery. For now, that is what he is choosing to do and I will support him through that. BF or not! But thanks for putting me on the chopping block as me being in DENIAL because I choose to do that. I am able to judge how much I can put on my plate. When the plate starts to overflow... it's time to put some of that food into the garbage disposal and let it go.
Oh, not getting him a calling card... yes, is an accomplishment for me. Reporting as a mother?? Not likely... but reporting from a person who isn't going to enable anymore. Someone who has worked through the temptation to not give into the BS. So, for that, YEAH FOR ME!! I give myself a pat on the back for that.
I'm a "reactor" for kicking him out of the house when I found out he relapsed? So, what would you have suggested? Keep him here and work it out? Not react? Really? Are you even human?
There is just too much in your post to keep going and it's exhausting.
But one more thing, Yes, I believe in hope and prayer. Please do not direct or advise me on what to pray for ("to get away from this person as quickly as possible"). I pray for guidance in this situation as I do with all difficult situations. If it is meant to be that we do not remain together, it will be shown this at the time it needs to be shown.
For now... I write on here to vent and get my feelings out. I come on here to read others experiences to gain insight and hopefully help others. It has been helping me since I joined and I wish for it to continue to in a supportive manner.
Thanks again for your opinions.
Last edited by URMYEVERYTHING; 09-14-2009 at 04:26 PM.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 26
Thanks Learn2Live, your post was blunt but it was a wake up call. I had almost forgotten about the std testing I need to go to the doctor for this week, all because I was recently sleeping with a heroin/coke user. It's funny how many crucial details you forget like that, when you've been caught in the junkie whirlwind. All the responsibilities which you and I take for granted just seem to waft around them like so much debris in a windstorm, and at the centre of it is their calm high. Once you get chucked out, you get to pick up all the everyday pieces - bills, jobs, relationships, your health... while they get to keep the high. I feel ripped off.
I got a similar wake up call about a week ago, when my best friend reminded me that my ex had had told her an off-colour story - years ago at a party, he found a jacket on the ground. He proudly related how he'd stolen everything of value from it before handing it in to the party host. There was no trace of regret there. Like you say L2L, that's criminal thinking. Details like that are easy to lose in the windstorm, which is actually a dust storm the user throws up to blind you from the truth.
I got a similar wake up call about a week ago, when my best friend reminded me that my ex had had told her an off-colour story - years ago at a party, he found a jacket on the ground. He proudly related how he'd stolen everything of value from it before handing it in to the party host. There was no trace of regret there. Like you say L2L, that's criminal thinking. Details like that are easy to lose in the windstorm, which is actually a dust storm the user throws up to blind you from the truth.
hi - I've read your posts on this thread and can hear your turmoil. It's very difficult to be in the middle of this much uncertainy. I'm sure that you've answered this question in another post but I was wondering about your screen name....urmyeverything. That just sounds so in conflict with
It's my favorite song by Lifehouse- Your my Everything. That's it. Nothing more.
"With or without him, I'm fabulous and in a comfortable position. My purpose is to not have that life I have built for myself disrupted. My purpose is to preserve that. "
I'm hoping that you mean yourself or your son when you chose that name. Anyway, I definitely see your conflict as you struggle regarding the situation. One thing that I have learned is that each person is going to do exactly what they want in this sort of situation. Opinions might be offered but rarely does anyone do anything but what they want. I know that that is what I did back when I joined in 2005. "We" were different, had a unique commitment, REALLY wanted it to work, knew what it would take, and were going to do whatever it took.
Well.....I am nice and worn out now. He has stayed sober for 4 years - but like everyone says....he just has today. I'll never have the security that someone has with a spouse that is not an addict. That doesn't mean that there are any guarantees with anyone but most of my friends aren't living with the threat that their lives may literally go up in smoke or get snaked through a needle either. We still have all of the other health and fidelity risks that every couple has - just the very real risk of relapse as well. We are still together but the love that bound us so very tightly has been eroded by all the craziness of sobriety and recovery.
I can truly appreciate this feedback. I have considered this and this is what I struggle with now. I often do question staying and sticking it out. I am not naive to the other posters. I just learn in this way, rather than being blasted as some non-informative idiot. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. This helps in guiding me.
I just ate lunch with 2 friends that were talking about how lucky they felt to be married to their best friend. My husband is very very far from that person. I might be his best friend but he's definitely not even on my short list. We obviously didn't start out that way....it felt like the most amazing "pre destined" love that ever was. It did feel like he was the sun, the moon, and the stars. Oh well......what a fall from grace.
My story nor anyone elses will actually end up influencing you. You will do what is best for you and that's the important thing. I am grateful for my own recovery because it's the only thing that has allowed me to salvage even a little bit of sanity. It sounds like you are dedicated to doing your own work so no matter what happens you will always have that. The rooms of people are full of people that understand....
Thank you Lightseeker for this... I know this place can be a support. It has helped me so far and I have come a long way.
I understand your dilemma but sure do wish that someone had been able to find the one thing to say that would have gotten through to me. Likely, there isn't anything because a lot of people sure did try and I didn't listen. As they say - it takes what it takes.
I honestly do wish you the best because your story would provide a lot of inspiration to others. This is a crazy journey and I'm glad that you have found SR
It's my favorite song by Lifehouse- Your my Everything. That's it. Nothing more.
"With or without him, I'm fabulous and in a comfortable position. My purpose is to not have that life I have built for myself disrupted. My purpose is to preserve that. "
I'm hoping that you mean yourself or your son when you chose that name. Anyway, I definitely see your conflict as you struggle regarding the situation. One thing that I have learned is that each person is going to do exactly what they want in this sort of situation. Opinions might be offered but rarely does anyone do anything but what they want. I know that that is what I did back when I joined in 2005. "We" were different, had a unique commitment, REALLY wanted it to work, knew what it would take, and were going to do whatever it took.
Well.....I am nice and worn out now. He has stayed sober for 4 years - but like everyone says....he just has today. I'll never have the security that someone has with a spouse that is not an addict. That doesn't mean that there are any guarantees with anyone but most of my friends aren't living with the threat that their lives may literally go up in smoke or get snaked through a needle either. We still have all of the other health and fidelity risks that every couple has - just the very real risk of relapse as well. We are still together but the love that bound us so very tightly has been eroded by all the craziness of sobriety and recovery.
I can truly appreciate this feedback. I have considered this and this is what I struggle with now. I often do question staying and sticking it out. I am not naive to the other posters. I just learn in this way, rather than being blasted as some non-informative idiot. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. This helps in guiding me.
I just ate lunch with 2 friends that were talking about how lucky they felt to be married to their best friend. My husband is very very far from that person. I might be his best friend but he's definitely not even on my short list. We obviously didn't start out that way....it felt like the most amazing "pre destined" love that ever was. It did feel like he was the sun, the moon, and the stars. Oh well......what a fall from grace.
My story nor anyone elses will actually end up influencing you. You will do what is best for you and that's the important thing. I am grateful for my own recovery because it's the only thing that has allowed me to salvage even a little bit of sanity. It sounds like you are dedicated to doing your own work so no matter what happens you will always have that. The rooms of people are full of people that understand....
Thank you Lightseeker for this... I know this place can be a support. It has helped me so far and I have come a long way.
I understand your dilemma but sure do wish that someone had been able to find the one thing to say that would have gotten through to me. Likely, there isn't anything because a lot of people sure did try and I didn't listen. As they say - it takes what it takes.
I honestly do wish you the best because your story would provide a lot of inspiration to others. This is a crazy journey and I'm glad that you have found SR
That's my biggest downfall. Living one day at a time. I have always been a planner and pretty much planned out my whole life from when I got my degrees, etc. I'm still learning that when you bring someone else into your life, minus an addiction problem, you have to go at a new pace other then your own. Now, adding addiction to it, puts it at a completely different pace all on it's own.
This is one of many reasons why I decided after three years with my ex-ABF that I couldn't stay with him any longer. I personally was not willing to live with that constant uncertainty of relapse in my life. Life, to me, is difficult and unpredictable enough as it is, without the additional "what-ifs" that living with an active or recovering addict bring.
That is just me, though. I understand and respect that other people have different opinions and different levels of tolerance. But I knew that, for all his positive characteristics, my ex-ABF would NOT be a stable, reliable, or ideal life partner for me, nor would I be willing to bring any innocent kids into that mix in the future.
That's why I met, dated and married my husband, who as it turns out is as much of, if not more than, a planner as I am!
I hope that you are able to come to a decision that honors your desires and your child's right to a safe, stable and secure home life. I am rooting for you.
PS - I also wanted to add that, as an agnostic/borderline-atheist, I believe that this is my one life to live. I didn't, and don't, intend on wasting any time in a situation where my needs are not being met. Not sure if that will make sense to anyone here.
I just wanted to add that I totally agree with your view that the best thing you can do when you're in a relationship with an addict is RUN - no arguments there lol! I was just pointing out that its incorrect to say that other (i.e. straight) couples are more functional. I think that all couples have problems, but a couple without addiction issues will try harder to sort things out because they can't just drown their feelings in drugs and booze. So I think they're more likely to stay together in spite of their problems... although as you say, it depends on the couple and what problems they're having.
I can appreciate this because I too am a planner. Not saying I'm not flexible enough to adapt when life throws curveballs at me, but I like to set goals and I enjoy the process of disciplining myself to accomplish them.
This is one of many reasons why I decided after three years with my ex-ABF that I couldn't stay with him any longer. I personally was not willing to live with that constant uncertainty of relapse in my life. Life, to me, is difficult and unpredictable enough as it is, without the additional "what-ifs" that living with an active or recovering addict bring.
That is just me, though. I understand and respect that other people have different opinions and different levels of tolerance. But I knew that, for all his positive characteristics, my ex-ABF would NOT be a stable, reliable, or ideal life partner for me, nor would I be willing to bring any innocent kids into that mix in the future.
That's why I met, dated and married my husband, who as it turns out is as much of, if not more than, a planner as I am!
I hope that you are able to come to a decision that honors your desires and your child's right to a safe, stable and secure home life. I am rooting for you.
PS - I also wanted to add that, as an agnostic/borderline-atheist, I believe that this is my one life to live. I didn't, and don't, intend on wasting any time in a situation where my needs are not being met. Not sure if that will make sense to anyone here.
This is one of many reasons why I decided after three years with my ex-ABF that I couldn't stay with him any longer. I personally was not willing to live with that constant uncertainty of relapse in my life. Life, to me, is difficult and unpredictable enough as it is, without the additional "what-ifs" that living with an active or recovering addict bring.
That is just me, though. I understand and respect that other people have different opinions and different levels of tolerance. But I knew that, for all his positive characteristics, my ex-ABF would NOT be a stable, reliable, or ideal life partner for me, nor would I be willing to bring any innocent kids into that mix in the future.
That's why I met, dated and married my husband, who as it turns out is as much of, if not more than, a planner as I am!
I hope that you are able to come to a decision that honors your desires and your child's right to a safe, stable and secure home life. I am rooting for you.
PS - I also wanted to add that, as an agnostic/borderline-atheist, I believe that this is my one life to live. I didn't, and don't, intend on wasting any time in a situation where my needs are not being met. Not sure if that will make sense to anyone here.
I should add that I didn't plan on meeting my now-husband when I did...he and I were coworkers on the same staff at my then-job. We got to know each other that way first, just as professional peers, and then it slowly blossomed into more.
No need to rush into new relationships...in fact I am pretty much against that, as I see many people do that to quell the emptiness they feel alone. What is that saying again? "Everywhere you go, there you are?" In my experience, you have to learn to rely on yourself, be happy with yourself and your life, before you can really be in a successful and healthy relationship with someone else. That's how it worked for me, anyway.
No need to rush into new relationships...in fact I am pretty much against that, as I see many people do that to quell the emptiness they feel alone. What is that saying again? "Everywhere you go, there you are?" In my experience, you have to learn to rely on yourself, be happy with yourself and your life, before you can really be in a successful and healthy relationship with someone else. That's how it worked for me, anyway.
I don't have the wool over my eyes completely.... if someone comes to me that is better than RBF, then I will consider that. But for now, I work on me while he works on himself. Time will tell where this relationship will go, if anywhere. For now, I'm happy with him in rehab and me at home going on with my everyday life without much of an interruption. I couldn't say this months ago. Each day, I get stronger.
All I have is time anyway, with or without him. I have this time to do lots of self reflection and inventory.
Thanks for your kind words and guidance. I will work through this somehow.
You are getting a lot of imput from lots of different perspectives. To me, it sounds like you are on a fact finding mission so that's a good thing. You will sort this all out and take what you like and leave the rest. This site has been invaluable to me as I have walked my path....the good the bad and the ugly. But here I know that people understand and I also know that although my choices were different than what many suggested, not once have I even heard the faintest sound of "I told you so".
I will tell you that I really don't ever worry that he's going to go out and use. For me, that worry/concern began to subside after he had about 1 1/2 years clean. I think that it was a combination of his sobriety and my very hard work on myself. Since you are a therapist you might have heard of Dick Schwartz's work called "Internal Family Systems". He has a website called the Center for Self Leadership where you can get more information. The IFS model really helped me to deal with all the different parts of myself that each seemed to have different needs, perspectives, and agendas. The more pathological presentation is in multiples but they have just dissociated parts due to trauma. We all have different aspects of ourselves which is why we sometimes have such a difficult time weighing it all out. You might find it extremely interesting study. They have trainings in various places. I was in an IFS group the first year that my husband (then my sign.other) was sober. I saw a therapist, worked a program with a sponsor, and went to meetings. I knew that I needed the help and I did it for me, really. It wasn't lost on me that some internal mechanism had fallen in love with an addict. My M.O. is to love the unavailable....oh so safe but oh so painful.
My husband and I have weathered a lot of trials and tribulations and the illusional love that I fell under the spell of has certainly disappeared. I'm not sure how I feel right now but we are still together. I am staying in today....some days are better than others. However, I have really grown and learned a lot. Like you, my life is full (I am a physical therapist with a specialty in trauma and mind/body medicine and I have 2 beloved sons) so that helps me a whole lot.
Another thing that has helped me alot are the principles of DBT. Although it was orginally developed to work with borderline personality disorder it is incredibly effective with addictions and mood regulation. It's helped me to develop "wise mind" and given me concrete tools to really do some good self care/mood shifts.
I know that it took what it took for me. I was able to see the soul in my husband and that is what lured me in....it wasn't just the juke talking addict - it was more real than that. Unfortunately, addiction causes that soul to flicker. Some of the brightest souls there are (and the parents of addicts can attest to that) are the ones that become most vulnerable to addiction. It's so tragic and sad.
Your man is well schooled in addiction and has experience with clean time. It is with acceptance and surrender that we all are healed...he knows that but he is also seeing how incredibly difficult it can be as well. Terry Gorski has done some really interesting work in relapse prevention....he has some really good trainings.
Didn't mean to hit you with so much info but it was all helpful for me as I've dealt with this. Check into some of it and let me know what you think. I also recommend getting some body work....even some of the movement therapies like Trager and Feldenkrais. They both help to integrate and settle the nervous system.
Ok - enough enough!
Take care -
I will tell you that I really don't ever worry that he's going to go out and use. For me, that worry/concern began to subside after he had about 1 1/2 years clean. I think that it was a combination of his sobriety and my very hard work on myself. Since you are a therapist you might have heard of Dick Schwartz's work called "Internal Family Systems". He has a website called the Center for Self Leadership where you can get more information. The IFS model really helped me to deal with all the different parts of myself that each seemed to have different needs, perspectives, and agendas. The more pathological presentation is in multiples but they have just dissociated parts due to trauma. We all have different aspects of ourselves which is why we sometimes have such a difficult time weighing it all out. You might find it extremely interesting study. They have trainings in various places. I was in an IFS group the first year that my husband (then my sign.other) was sober. I saw a therapist, worked a program with a sponsor, and went to meetings. I knew that I needed the help and I did it for me, really. It wasn't lost on me that some internal mechanism had fallen in love with an addict. My M.O. is to love the unavailable....oh so safe but oh so painful.
My husband and I have weathered a lot of trials and tribulations and the illusional love that I fell under the spell of has certainly disappeared. I'm not sure how I feel right now but we are still together. I am staying in today....some days are better than others. However, I have really grown and learned a lot. Like you, my life is full (I am a physical therapist with a specialty in trauma and mind/body medicine and I have 2 beloved sons) so that helps me a whole lot.
Another thing that has helped me alot are the principles of DBT. Although it was orginally developed to work with borderline personality disorder it is incredibly effective with addictions and mood regulation. It's helped me to develop "wise mind" and given me concrete tools to really do some good self care/mood shifts.
I know that it took what it took for me. I was able to see the soul in my husband and that is what lured me in....it wasn't just the juke talking addict - it was more real than that. Unfortunately, addiction causes that soul to flicker. Some of the brightest souls there are (and the parents of addicts can attest to that) are the ones that become most vulnerable to addiction. It's so tragic and sad.
Your man is well schooled in addiction and has experience with clean time. It is with acceptance and surrender that we all are healed...he knows that but he is also seeing how incredibly difficult it can be as well. Terry Gorski has done some really interesting work in relapse prevention....he has some really good trainings.
Didn't mean to hit you with so much info but it was all helpful for me as I've dealt with this. Check into some of it and let me know what you think. I also recommend getting some body work....even some of the movement therapies like Trager and Feldenkrais. They both help to integrate and settle the nervous system.
Ok - enough enough!
Take care -
@ Lightseeker- Thank you for the info. I will look these resources up and get back with you. I like DBT. I have used it with some clients and it is quite helpful. I am inspired by your story. Thanks again.
@ Cynical- You are right. When do you reach a point when it's no longer okay? I guess you must take in the account of how forgiving the human race is. You give people chances. Yes, how many chances does it take for one to realize that a certain behavior is not okay? One, two, three... who knows? If we all had the magical answer and magical limit, I don't think anyone of us would be here. Now, when will I end the emotional madness that has been left by his relapses. Simple... when I have had enough. When is that? Not today this I know as the day is almost gone. LOL. But, tomorrow is a new day and I may wake up and say "Screw this." I don't look at this experience as something that has happened to me unjustly. I allowed him in (knowing his history) and trusted him as with any relationship. This was my first relationship with a recovering addict. I didn't expect a relapse. I wasn't looking for one. But now that it has happened, I'm not sure how long I will continue with this song and dance. I can say that when the dust settles I will have gained knowledge on how to handle this the next time.... RUN from the door. But for now, I love this man, and will continue to work at it as long as he seeks recovery. What will the future hold... I don't know....I'm living for me and my son one day at a time. If he catches up with us, so be it. If not, then he falls behind as I move forward.
I agree.... rationalizing... isn't healthy but this is how some people cope and work through their emotions. Some are quicker than others. Some have more strength than others. Some simply stay stuck.
@ Cynical- You are right. When do you reach a point when it's no longer okay? I guess you must take in the account of how forgiving the human race is. You give people chances. Yes, how many chances does it take for one to realize that a certain behavior is not okay? One, two, three... who knows? If we all had the magical answer and magical limit, I don't think anyone of us would be here. Now, when will I end the emotional madness that has been left by his relapses. Simple... when I have had enough. When is that? Not today this I know as the day is almost gone. LOL. But, tomorrow is a new day and I may wake up and say "Screw this." I don't look at this experience as something that has happened to me unjustly. I allowed him in (knowing his history) and trusted him as with any relationship. This was my first relationship with a recovering addict. I didn't expect a relapse. I wasn't looking for one. But now that it has happened, I'm not sure how long I will continue with this song and dance. I can say that when the dust settles I will have gained knowledge on how to handle this the next time.... RUN from the door. But for now, I love this man, and will continue to work at it as long as he seeks recovery. What will the future hold... I don't know....I'm living for me and my son one day at a time. If he catches up with us, so be it. If not, then he falls behind as I move forward.
I agree.... rationalizing... isn't healthy but this is how some people cope and work through their emotions. Some are quicker than others. Some have more strength than others. Some simply stay stuck.
Great post, cynical one. And so right. I was involved with someone who used pot and alcohol (was in harm reduction) but also admitted to dealing occasionally and in his distant past. He was very functional - good father, held a good of 18 years, etc. I had never had a relationship with someone like this, but I was aware of some aspects of addiction as I was trained to be a social worker.
My religious beliefs ascribe to strict personal accountability and one shouldn't run people through a sugar-coated hell to try and get them to stay. Okay, sure we all have times we need support and help, but addiction can be an all-encompassing illness/disease. I approached it like any other relationship - there are good and wonderful things about the relationship. There are negative and dysfunctional things in the relationship. Are the negative things deal breakers? If so, boundaries need to be put up, but perhaps give a person a chance to change, maybe even a few changes. After this, it's goodbye. This has always been my guide in regard to my relationships. Sometimes it takes awhile to find this stuff out. If one does stay with the person, most likely it will get worse. The way I look at it, why should I suffer on my partner's behalf? He does his part, I do mine. If he doesn't want to do his part, it's bye bye.
I loved this man so much - after 18 years of dating, I thought I had found "the one." Still hope the guy finds it within himself to change. It was hard to leave him, but I am moving on as difficult as it is. Had told him early on addiction was a deal breaker for me. I didn't know the extent of his addictions and finally gathered enough info to know he had no intention of doing the hard work I believe, as with all dysfunctional behavior, the best and loving thing one can do is let the addict own his/her feelings and actions.
My religious beliefs ascribe to strict personal accountability and one shouldn't run people through a sugar-coated hell to try and get them to stay. Okay, sure we all have times we need support and help, but addiction can be an all-encompassing illness/disease. I approached it like any other relationship - there are good and wonderful things about the relationship. There are negative and dysfunctional things in the relationship. Are the negative things deal breakers? If so, boundaries need to be put up, but perhaps give a person a chance to change, maybe even a few changes. After this, it's goodbye. This has always been my guide in regard to my relationships. Sometimes it takes awhile to find this stuff out. If one does stay with the person, most likely it will get worse. The way I look at it, why should I suffer on my partner's behalf? He does his part, I do mine. If he doesn't want to do his part, it's bye bye.
I loved this man so much - after 18 years of dating, I thought I had found "the one." Still hope the guy finds it within himself to change. It was hard to leave him, but I am moving on as difficult as it is. Had told him early on addiction was a deal breaker for me. I didn't know the extent of his addictions and finally gathered enough info to know he had no intention of doing the hard work I believe, as with all dysfunctional behavior, the best and loving thing one can do is let the addict own his/her feelings and actions.
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