What about ME?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 168
What about ME?
So, My AH is in rehab and I went to the "family and friends" seminar this week which I thought would help ME-hence the title right? Well, the majority of the seminar was on what WE could do to help THEM stay sober.. ummm, I am sorry but isn't it up to THEM to stay sober? They told us to support THEM, not say anything negative, don't make THEM be in situations where THEY would feel uncomfortable, give them rides to and from THEIR meetings, try not to discuss anything stressful with THEM, keep THEM busy. OK, either I am the biggest "b" in the world or I must really be over it because last time I checked, I couldn't control anything my AH did.
I want a life, I don't want to be his babysitter! Hell, I don't even want him to live in my house until he at least has 90-120 days clean and even then, I don't know if it will be enough for me. I just don't know if I have it in me anymore to continue the life of being married to an addict.
I mean this with absolutely no disrespect, but I see so many spouses on this forum that have been dealing with their addicts for 25-30 years and they are still not sober. I don't want to look back on my life when I am 50 years old regretting the decisions I have made. I want a normal, healthy, loving relationship with a partner that shares in the responsibility of the household and takes care of me as much as I take care of him. I am sick of being a Mom to my AH, I just want to take care of ME and my son, I don't have room in my head or heart to take care of a 30 year old child.
I know my AH has the capability of getting sober, but that is not REALITY right now, and I am sick of putting my life on hold for him to get his crap together.
UGH. Thanks for reading. In the meantime, I am going out tonight with my girlfriends! Grandma and Grandpa are taking the baby! Yay for ME!!!
I want a life, I don't want to be his babysitter! Hell, I don't even want him to live in my house until he at least has 90-120 days clean and even then, I don't know if it will be enough for me. I just don't know if I have it in me anymore to continue the life of being married to an addict.
I mean this with absolutely no disrespect, but I see so many spouses on this forum that have been dealing with their addicts for 25-30 years and they are still not sober. I don't want to look back on my life when I am 50 years old regretting the decisions I have made. I want a normal, healthy, loving relationship with a partner that shares in the responsibility of the household and takes care of me as much as I take care of him. I am sick of being a Mom to my AH, I just want to take care of ME and my son, I don't have room in my head or heart to take care of a 30 year old child.
I know my AH has the capability of getting sober, but that is not REALITY right now, and I am sick of putting my life on hold for him to get his crap together.
UGH. Thanks for reading. In the meantime, I am going out tonight with my girlfriends! Grandma and Grandpa are taking the baby! Yay for ME!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I have to say I am a little confused by that as well.
I can understand being supportive and helping as you can when it comes to pursuing their recovery. I wouldn't be the first to bring drugs home and lay them around to test his resolve, sure, but to keep his world revolving quietly so as not to disturb his good vibe, isn't that was made me a codependent enabler for his addiction in the past? Isn't that cost me my own life and happiness, walking around on eggshells so as not to trigger more binging and more wrath?
Hmm? Yeah, I think I'd be a little confused on that.
Fooey on them, that's for thinking on tomorrow. Go out and have a ball with your friends, that's where the real focus ought to be tonite!
I can understand being supportive and helping as you can when it comes to pursuing their recovery. I wouldn't be the first to bring drugs home and lay them around to test his resolve, sure, but to keep his world revolving quietly so as not to disturb his good vibe, isn't that was made me a codependent enabler for his addiction in the past? Isn't that cost me my own life and happiness, walking around on eggshells so as not to trigger more binging and more wrath?
Hmm? Yeah, I think I'd be a little confused on that.
Fooey on them, that's for thinking on tomorrow. Go out and have a ball with your friends, that's where the real focus ought to be tonite!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Well, the majority of the seminar was on what WE could do to help THEM stay sober.. ummm, I am sorry but isn't it up to THEM to stay sober? They told us to support THEM, not say anything negative, don't make THEM be in situations where THEY would feel uncomfortable, give them rides to and from THEIR meetings, try not to discuss anything stressful with THEM, keep THEM busy.
No you are not wrong. This is the addicts job not yours. You are not his 'mommy' or his 'warden.'
Hell, I don't even want him to live in my house until he at least has 90-120 days clean and even then, I don't know if it will be enough for me.
(((((Daisy))))) you have a right to YOUR life. Nothing you have expressed seems out of line to me.
Hope you have lots of fun tonight.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Yikes! You sound like you have a better understanding of the underlying issues here than whoever was running this group.....what a pile of BS!
But, the truth is that I have found this kind of encouragement of codependency to be fairly common among people in the field. Over the last several years, I've had a few recovering addicts/alcoholics and a few victims of domestic violence who have lived in my home for periods ranging up to almost a year. And I've had several experiences where "the professionals" who were supposedly involved with these people tried to manipulate me or out-and-out encouraged me to do ludicrously enabling and/or taking-care-of-them-at-the-expense-of-myself-and/or-my-family type things...my response each time was to firmly suggest to the professional that maybe he/she could benefit from some Al Anon meetings.
I can't say they liked it, but they definitely got the hint and stopped trying to get me to do stupid stuff.
Just say "No" to codependency -- and have a great time tonight!
freya
But, the truth is that I have found this kind of encouragement of codependency to be fairly common among people in the field. Over the last several years, I've had a few recovering addicts/alcoholics and a few victims of domestic violence who have lived in my home for periods ranging up to almost a year. And I've had several experiences where "the professionals" who were supposedly involved with these people tried to manipulate me or out-and-out encouraged me to do ludicrously enabling and/or taking-care-of-them-at-the-expense-of-myself-and/or-my-family type things...my response each time was to firmly suggest to the professional that maybe he/she could benefit from some Al Anon meetings.
I can't say they liked it, but they definitely got the hint and stopped trying to get me to do stupid stuff.
Just say "No" to codependency -- and have a great time tonight!
freya
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with all the others/ i'm one of those who stayed. 21 out of 23yrs, i've tried to help and all the walking around on egg shells did nothing but caused me to lose me. i'll be 56 this month and as far as i know, he's still out there using. go have fun, let him worry about how he's to stay clean.
sounds to me like you've gotten to your enough point, good for you. i agree, why can't he go to a halfway house or something. wishing you the best.
sounds to me like you've gotten to your enough point, good for you. i agree, why can't he go to a halfway house or something. wishing you the best.
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