hello-kitty

Thought I would share here (so I don't explode my head) that the last time my son saw his father was nearly a month ago now. His dad has be clean, as far as I know, since last March, when he got out of jail. His dad does not function when he is using. He disappears and parties until he gets arrested or ends up dead, which hasn't happened yet, obviously. Anyway, daddy dear was supposed to visit last week (he sees my son on Thursdays, supervised), but called me at about 7:30 to say he had tickets to the Seahawks game (which started at 5pm). That's the last we've heard from him.

Part of me thinks I should call him. If he was a NORMAL guy, with a NORMAL history, that's what I would do. But this is exactly what used to happen when he was using, so I doubt that something's happened to him.

Part of me wonders if he's dead. However, if he is dead he won't answer the phone anyway. Part of me wonders if something happened to him for real.

But then the rest of me thinks that he's relapsed. I mean it's his son for Chrissakes. Can't he pick up the dam phone and call his little boy! Ahhhh... too high of expectations. He must be using. Because he knows that if he comes near me high, I will kill him. Or call the police. And I think he'd rather be dead than go back to prison. However, addicts have no sense of boundaries so I imagine that unless he's dead, he will call eventually.

But you know what. His son hasn't asked for him anyway. This is probably because I set firm boundaries and his dad has never spent much time with him anyway - one day a week and sometimes not even that if I was busy. Not to say that his son won't miss him or ask for him soon. And I am dreading that.

Sorry. I'm just rambling. But I'm pissed. However, I will let it go. I can choose to call or choose not to call. But based on my boundaries and my past experience I'd rather not have contact if he's using, so I'll let it go.

If he is dead somewhere, it'll be easier to explain to my child than explaining daddy is smoking crack and doesn't care to see you right now. Or daddy is in prison feeling too sorry for himself to call you.

Honestly. Dead would be good.

gotahavfaith

Just always seems to be the kids that get the shi--y, I mean crappy end of the deal.
Sending hugs to you

Gotahavfaith

Callie

HK - how old is your son and does he pay child support? Can you check with the agency to see if it was paid for this week? I'd be pi$$ed as heck too and don't know that I could restrain myself from NOT calling him. But it wouldn't do any good or matter I suppose. When is he supposed to visit again?

Sorry, I'd be ticked too.

hello-kitty

Pay child support? PFFT! That's freakin' hilarious. He was supposed to see him last night. Thursday. No call. No nothing. It's not official visitation. So there's no recourse or anything.

My son started the whole "when I see my daddy we are going to get popsicles. When I see my daddy he's going to let me drive his car (his daddy doesn't have a car.)" I should be able to keep him distracted thru the weekend. But I'm sure I'll need to deal with the disappointment soon.

THANK GOD his father has never been a stable part of his life. If you are going to have an addict as your childs father, the best thing to do is keep the child at arms length from then. This is not about the addict. They have their drugs. The child has no one but you to protect them. And if the situation tears you up inside, a fullgrown adult, just imagine how it hurts your child.

Addicts are unreliable at best. Self centered at best. 2 traits that don't mix well with children.

Sorry. Just had to vent.

Now I will breath and let it go.

teke

sounds to me like he's either out using or too embarrassed to call. my guess is he'll get in touch sooner or later. i imagine if he was dead, somebody else would contact you and if he was in jail, he might be the one to make the call. i pray he safely finds his way soon and i pray for you and your son.

rayofsunshine

(((HUGS)))) Kitty. Us mothers hurt for our children, that's for sure.
Nothing to do but vent and let it go.

As bad as it sounds, dead would bring closure... dealing with an active addict (especially missing in action) leaves an open wound that never heals. I know no contact is working so well for my healing at the moment... its been 3 months of no calls, but going on a year of no visits from my ex. But, my teenagers are suffering some. I try to make everything normal as possible for them, going places, doing things, etc. But I can't take the place of the father they need in their lives.

hello-kitty

Yes my ex is like a scab that keeps getting knocked off. Back in the early days I'd pick the scab off, but now I've learned to quit picking. However it just seems to be a festering sore that never heals. Sometimes it's bleeding and other times I don't even notice it.

So Ray, what do you think you would do if your ex just called you out of the blue tomorrow and said, "Hey. I'm clean. I wanna see my kids."

IPT

I'm sorry you are having to deal with that. I had that sometimes with my xagf and it drove me crazy...and I had a lot less involved than you do. I guess I should in some way be thankful it never got to the point where we got married and got children involved.

My prayers go out to you and your family.

rayofsunshine

Well, Kitty, I don't know..... right now, the kids are still a little angry over his bad attitude before he left, and his just leaving and never looking back... they say they "don't care" and don't want to see him. (Not sure where he's living now... he did live with the dealer 1/2 mile down the road from us... they'd see him ride up & down the road alot and never acknowledge them.)

The last time I talked to him he said he wanted to see them, told me to ask them and make sure it was ok with them, then he'd stop by that Sunday afternoon. He was supposed to call me the day before. I struggled with asking them and didn't, fortunately, because he never called back. I go through times too wondering if he's dead, but I figure someone will contact me if that happens, so I don't linger on it.

It's hard though, isn't it, when you see other separated couples who share raising their children, both sharing responsibilities, getting child support, but with active addicts that just doesn't happen. We have to do everything ourselves.

painter

I know how you hurt for your children. But believe me that will survive. Your are hurting more than they are. My daughter and the father of two children left them with me for a year. With NO word from either of them. Ages 3 and 5, about once a month they would ask for Mom and Dad. I told them whatever I thought would sooth them. And it worked. They knew that they were loved and safe. After a year "the parents" showed up and wanted to be parents again. They got them back but I stay in their lives just so they know that someone in their lives will be constant. So far they are fine wonderful kids. Yours will be too if they feel the love from you and feel safe. Hang in there, I know it is hard.