URMYEVERYTHING

I wrote this poem back in November after newly finding out my RBF relapsed. I pulled it out of the archives for the newbies on this thread to read it. Some oldies can relate as well. This is for you to know that you are not alone in what you feel. I have come a long way since then. I can now read this poem and still not believe that I was able to make it out of that emotional rollercoaster. It's still hard some days but nothing near to how I was. Enjoy.

When he told me he used, the news
Tore through me like a knife. The blade piercing my stomach.
The choking feeling of how I couldn't breath. I tried to gasp for air but the air wouldn't go through my lungs- my stomach fell, I fell, I broke down- speechless... No words.....SILENCE!! DEAD SILENCE!!!

I felt a rush, not like that of Heroin, but a nauseating rush- my face burned- my eyes swelled with tears- my hands shook- my body losing its control. Not a word said... SILENCE REMAINS!!

Then the emotions move through my hands, my feet, my back, my head and hit my gut!! My gut turns, upside down, I throw up!! I scream but not out loud because my 4 year old can hear me. I suffer in silence.... I scream inside..... I gag some more.... I throw up again!!

Now I'm pissed... I'm angry... I'm resentful... I HATE YOU!!! I hate you so much!!! I'm confused....he's still human. He's my boyfriend. F**K HIM!! I'm done- it's over. How can I possibly be with an addict?? Ex addict- whatever... you selfish mother fu**er!!

I chase for answers- my brain- my mind won't stop racing-- the day we met--- the days we laughed---- the days we joked around--- the kids--- the beach--- the dinners--- the presence of YOU!!! Your touch--- your kisses--- your hugs--- GONE!!! I'm NUMB..... I feel NOTHING!!!

How could I possibly experience the same high you feel on Heroin???
I don't give a Sh** about anything..... who cares about your suffering?? Look at the suffering you have caused me... I don't buy this feeling.... I can't roll it up and smoke it away..... I can't inject it into my veins to numb it..... I simply have to deal with it.

Now I cry- here comes the sadness, feelings of hopelessness-- should I continue?? You'd never thought I would experience the same feelings as you. No--- we just don't understand your addiction--- we are ignorant to drug use.

What drug can I take??? What can make me feel better?? Unlike you-- I suffer. I have to deal with my emotions-- this hurts!! My head, my stomach still burning, my body is weak, I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't speak!! Haven't slept in 2 days-- I look horrible. THIS MUST BE MY WITHDRAWAL!!!

People ask me what's wrong-- I tell them just not feeling well-- meanwhile I'm distracted by your issues, your selfishness, your inability to cope with life's SH*T!!

I'm dying-- I feel the energy being drained from me-- I want to die--- I want it to end!!! The crying, the worrying, the decision making.... I want it gone!

BUT WAIT, there's something more important than the addict--- you--- IT's ME!! MY MUTHAFU**IN SELF!!! Wake up, pick yourself up. Let him live in his choices, his own misery!! Leave it up to him to pick up the pieces, repair my pain!! If he doesn't FU*K HIM!! At least this is what he says when he uses.... just returning the favor until he is able to realize the damage he's done!!

Ann

Glad you got through this. It's strange to look back and wonder "what WAS I thinking?" I do that often.

What matters is what you are thinking today and it sounds like it's all good.

Hugs

Abundance

omg........ don't know if it was good for me to read that right now.

i could have written that.

When I would find him high or find some form of evidence, my body suffered the most incredible sensations. My knees would buckle.... become so weak. He would look at me and tell me to stop being so dramatic and I would think to myself..... MY GOD I WANT TO STOP FEELING THIS WAY ...... and then I'd feel crazy for feeling that way - that I was even allowing this in my life period. ALL OF IT. UGH........ Your poem describes it. How is that other people have *felt* this? I'm so glad to not feel alone.... but also sad that anyone has ever felt this way.

I'm so grateful to not have to feel that way again; that was an excellent description.

If I'm feeling weak and the good times are popping up in my mind ... I'll read this and be reminded just how bad it gets being with someone in active addiction. The codie in me wanted to copy and paste it into an email so that he can understand just how much *his* addiction hurt me......... but what is the point? It's not like it would change anything...... and it isn't like he hasn't heard it all before.

I remember wanting to take SOMETHING to get rid of the pain. I remember screaming on the inside (or being not as loud) when I couldn't let it out because I didn't want the boys to hear. I remember leaving in my car just down the road so I could cry so hard that no one could hear me.

I don't know how I allowed it all and for as long as I did..... but what I do know is that I am NEVER going back and I'm going to do everything in my power to keep far far away from addiction.

::::shudder::: amongst lots of tears at the moment.