rose

Joplin,

If you really think about it, you are not living your life by "Old Fashion Values" that you say you are trying to honour and have your baby brought into this world to be proud of. Your babies birth cert is going to show that you were not married when you got preg.
Value one gone out the door if that is how strongly you want to live by the true values.

Old Fashion Values, is a man going out to work to support his family 1ST, not to support his drug habit 1ST. A man of OFV's did not even consider taking his family to move in with a relative so he could break his drug habit.

I just don't see how you could consider getting married at this point, you are having enough struggles right now, why on earth would you want to add somemore to it. You have no idea at this point if your BF is going to come clean and getting married is not going to make him stop.

One thing you can not change is your baby's dad is a drug addict and will be for the rest of his life, even if he is not using, he is still an addict, so already her chances of running for president already have marked her life. She is going to understand more of why you Didn't marry him than why you married him.

Rose

breakingfree88

Joplin, I totally understand where you're coming from. You lived your life, and loved your A, and never planned to bring a child into the mix. But you got pregnant, and you loved him/her enough to not have an abortion. So, even if its just for a day, you want to be married so your child won't grow up knowing she's a b*stard. I understand.

Life and those who live it don't always follow concrete rules from birth to death. We have the ability, tendency and right to change, to evolve, to flip flop back and forth. The main thing is that we make the right decision for ourselves and our children at that moment. If you live each moment that like that, then I think there's a lot less for us to be afraid of regretting!
Your daughter will understand why you didn't marry her father. She'll thank you one day. Keep talking it out, maybe call a counseling hotline (Google and you'll find 1800 numbers), find someone to talk to voice to voice...you'll get this worked out.
I am proud of you for taking the time to think this through. I'm not sure if being married affects the judge's decision on custody but that's also something to think about. Even though he's an addict he may have more "weight" in court if he's your ex husband, vs. ex-boyfriend/baby daddy.
The explanation for that could get really confusing...especially if you say you married him so you could divorce him because he was an addict.
Keep us updated

ThirteenYears

Good, keep on discussing it because that's what helps us -- communicating on sites like this and with others who are similarly situated because by placing ourselves in communities like that we get to hear testimonies of others who have been there done that and got the teeshirt to match.

And sure enough, progress is being made because you are now beginning to realize exactly how ridiculous and irational you are being.

p.s. My case is on the divorce calendar right now. I make a pretty penny which means my husband could get a nice check from me based on the standard of living we've maintained. What gets me off the alimony hook is almost 12 of our 13 years were spent with him doing state bids -- when you add up the time between bids, I think it adds up to about a year -- he's in inpatient right now and has been since June. It's THE STATE that has provided his standard of living, not me.

What brought the divorce about anyway -- the method of payment to the rehab is MEDICARE. We don't have that because I earn a pretty penny. For him to get medicaid to pay for the rehab the state would have to consider my income -- I'd have to pay for some of that. No thank you, and that's what I told him at which time he then suggested we stay together but get a divorce so that as a divorced man he can qualify for full benefits, which will include medicare to pay for this (and any future) stay in rehab.

He may be getting out in a month, the divorce will not be granted by then, and because he is a ward of the state (which trumps marriage), his p.o. will have to find a half-way house for him to stay at until the divorce is final and he can then apply for state aid. Because there's alot of love between us though and I don't want to throw him under the bus and run him over, I do give him $40 cash every two weeks, which he greatly appreciates.

He wants to come back home to live but understands my position, which is in 13 years we're in the same spot today as we were when we married. There has been no progress -- lots of love, but no progress. Having recently turned 49 I decided I need progress, and because I KNOW I can't get that from him, this is why I told him we can no longer be married, he can no longer live at the house.

When you're married to an addict you have to be mindful of both -- your children AND your money -- don't set yourself up in the money trap by being "ridiculous and irrational."

I may not say what you want to hear but know at the end of the day, because I care about you and your daughter, those pangs of hurt that you may feel from things I say derive from that CARING and COMPASSIONATE place within me.