DreamAngel

Very good point!!! same as if you are on a diet. If you eat after 6 it is not because somebody made you, its because you wanted to!

teke

i was asking what you really WANT to do about him going on the trip?

i'm sure he wants a normal life. i don't know an addict would tell you that they want to be an addict or that they set out to be an addict. its just so hard to stop the madness once you become addicted.

i pray that he makes it but i pray that you remain aware that relapse are so common. after a relapse, addiction usually don't start the destruction process over from the beginning, it takes up where it leaves off before quitting.

DreamAngel

I want to go on a trip and forget about everything.... Think about whats best for me? and for him? maybe by going on that trip he will understand how badly he messed up when he was so close to his recovery.
I know at the end it should be all about me. Not him!

DreamAngel

"Great" , my ex fiance is out of jail on a work release and he started texting me that he has to talk to me. He said he has to get something off his chest.

My heart is bitting so fast .... I dont know what to do....

hello-kitty

Give it 24 hours and then decide. That's what I always do. His problems should not become your emergency. He's not going anywhere.

When in doubt, wait it out.

teke

i agree, taking time and breathe. you've waited this long, it won't hurt him to wait a little while until you decide what you want to do. wishing you the best

DreamAngel

Thank you!!!!!
I told him : I'm sorry but i had enough , it does not matter to me anymore what you have to say...
He replied: I need to know . Is ithis coming from your heart?!

so confused.......... Is it? or its just anger that i have?!

hello-kitty

You can choose not to respond. Or you can choose to respond. It's up to you. What does your brain tell you to do (as opposed to your heart, which isn't used for thinking.)

teke

dream, it could possible be both but you still have time to stop to figure out that for yourself. try not to allow yourself to be pressured into answering his question about anything until you feel you are ready. check your motives and follow your instincts, i think the ball is in your court, its up to you how you handle it.

IPT

My xagf wanted a normal life in the worst way. When we went on vac with my family afterwards she said, and I quote.."that was the best trip I have ever had". I broke it down and said what was different? no work (she wasn't working anyway so that was a wash), her family was not there so no presure, and no drugs... she agreed that she needed to distance herself from her family and the drugs. She even noted that she was fine not suing while she was there. She lasted 5 days before she went to "just watch tv with my mom"..she then never came back that night and was full swing into using again. She even texted me "it's my addicition, I am ashamed...". There were several times she told me she hated her life so much that she wished for death every day...still it was not enough for her to follow thru long enough (we had several good weeks here and there) to get clean and change her life.

It doesn't take the vacation for him to see he messed up. He already knows it, and also knows he is going to lose something amazing, something he wants probably more than anything in the world...and sadly, if he is at all like my ex, (who apparently is VERY MUCH LIKE EVERYONES ex's or addicted whatevers here)...none of that will matter.

I understand now why it is recommended not to get involved until someone IS CLEAN. The process of getting there is HUGE, shakey, unpredicatble, and often unsuccessful....no matter how much the addict or you want it.

My heart still breaks every day when I think of what my ex wants and instead what she has....



oh yeah, just read your last post... a friend once pointed out to me that if we made decsions soley based on our heart (or emotions) there would be a lot more murders in the world. It is smat and necessary to use your head when makign decsions like this...my heart has gotten broken many times by my ex where if I would have listened to my gut and head I would have made better choices for my wellbeing IN THE LONG TERM. Short term it is painful, and basically sucks...

tjp613

I'm just curious... you say that if he's clean by Oct 11 you'll consider taking him on the trip. How will you feel if he's using again by October 25?

DreamAngel

I dont know... One day at a time i guess. Cuz every single day something changes.
And if he is using again. Than its his choice.

DreamAngel

IPT, thank you.... I really needed to hear that!

IPT

I know...it's what I needed to hear, again, again, and again when I was where you are. Even then it took a while to get thru. This is difficult stuff. I'll take a neuroanatomy class any day over dealing with this emotional/relationship with an addict stuff! I feel for you, been where you are (well not engaged but you get the point). I was just thinking about how I have had almost no communication with her for 2 and 1/2 months and I still think about her tons... feel sad for her, the dreams that I had for us that died..

Envelope

My goodness!! I can imagine what you are going through. I honestly believe that your 1st reaction to the situation is always the best descision one makes. Then often doubt creeps in and then your emotion gets the better of you. You try to rationalise it and often you are influenced by others (the mother) and the situation (your ticket is non refunable) His mother is not taking ownership of her son and wants to "make things better". She is asking too much from you and this is the last thing you need!!

He has to take COMPLETE responsibilty and face the consequences to missing his probation. He has not been mindful to himself and his f*up or impotantly not mindful to YOU!! It sounds like you have gone through so much and have alot of history.
Take the situation out of context: If you were married, have children and he missed an IMPORTANT appointment that was for your kids, and just didnt pitch up how would you and your child feel? What if he missed the birth of your child? You would crack, right??

Saying this which I might be contradicting, I feel that you need to take one step at a time. They have to too. Just for today, act on your gut and stick to it - you mean business!!! Wedding is now off and you need to think of yourself 1st. Try and get his ticket changed and take a really good friend, you need support now. You have just ended a potential future. I say that because anything can happen for the 2 of you further down the road. Get his officer to wrirte a letter and send this together with your motivating letter to request the ticket name change and the date that would suite your friend you had in mind to go with.

Just speak to the right person at the airline - a descision maker - and they should be understanding.
Keep your head up high and know you have done the right thing - your insticts never let you down!!
Read what "Truthhurts" said, it makes sense to me!

kj3880

I am not adding to this thread any more, although I wish you the best. You are going to convince yourself to take him anyway..no matter what the rest of us think. Just don't hold any luggage or bags for him. Pack your own, carry your own, and don't let him have access to yours. My heart breaks for what you are going to do to yourself.

KJ

ThirteenYears

For him to tell you he wants to get something off his chest, I'd contact hm right away because I'd want to hear him out. I always say better out then in, and he's trying to get something out to you. On this one, I can't tell you what to do so I'm telling you what I'd do.

DreamAngel

Thank you everyone.
I did not go see him and i told him that it will not change anything if ill hear him out.
He said : as you wish.

ThirteenYears

Okay, stop the press -- kj done changed my mind with that right there. If he goes on the trip with you he will have access to your stuff -- Girl, leave his arse HOME!!!! The others were making arguments you need to listen to. Because they weren't speaking my language, I wasn't hearing them.

I am for women and loved ones NOT opening and leaving theirself open to get they stuff stolen by someone who'll earnestly help you look for it knowing they got it. When my AH relapses he knows the drill -- he got to leave the house, go live in the streets because it will not be me. So when kj made the *money statement* SHE SPOKE MY LANGUAGE!! The flight money loss -- that's a small thing so don't even stress it. Let it go girl, just don't let him go!!

teke

just want to let you know that no matter what you decide to do, we are here for you. so keep posting and updating. we really do care.