confusedfiance

I also canceled my November wedding in July. Thank god I never booked a honeymoon. My family and I have lost so much money in the process that I don't know if I will ever be able to afford a real wedding. And if I can, I don't know if I could go through the planning all again. I think it would be too painful.

I am sorry, I really don't have any clue if you should or shouldn't take him.

kj3880

Hm. I have gone to Mexico and Europe alone (Europe many times). And had a blast!

I think that you are caught up in the fantasy of how cute the two of you look. You are just determined that a man who looks that good with you couldn't be that bad. He is. He is poison for you right now. Take that trip. Alone. Let it be the start of new, fabulous, not-so-codependent you. Wear your most beautiful clothing and show them all how it's done! You might be surprised how much fun life can be when you do whatever you want on vacation! Pretend you are a movie star on the vacation and live it up. You need a break. Without the stress of wondering if he's copping cocaine in Cancun (he would be, for sure. and then you'd both end up in a Mexican prison.)

Hmmm, Mexican prison, or luxury trip to Mexico and Europe, alone and loving it! It's the chance of a lifetime, and if you miss it, or mess it up with taking him, you'll regret it.

Love,
KJ

URMYEVERYTHING

Hell, send me the tickets. I'll go. LOL.

ThirteenYears

I am so glad that you called off the engagement!!

I think a vacation would do you both some good -- I say yeah, take him with you. I'm thinking he'll be so consumed with enjoying the time away and trying to win your hand in marriage back that he'll behave. I say you two go out there together and come back together -- the world will not end -- you will survive the trip. Just don't come back talking that "the engagement is bck on" stuff. Stick to your gun, hun!!

teke

trust me, this has been my story. i started out sort of like you, but against all sound advice, i married my handsome addict. now i'm as white headed as i think i'll get.
23 yrs later and a great deal of pain and suffering, he's still at it and i finally HAD to separate myself from him and his behavior just to save my own sanity. i'm 55yrs old now and i think often about how i went against my own gut feelings to get out long ago and i think about where i would be now if i had.

many times i though one more trip, one more date, one more chance, it became a cycle for my on and off marriage because each time i allowed myself to get sucked right back in and each time the pain got more and more intense. today, i have to be honest, i'm just plain afraid to go through all of that again and i pray that you listen to your own gut feelings, they are usually the best way to go.

btw, i think you are beautiful,single and a prize to be won. you deserve more.

ThirteenYears

^ ^ ^ That's why I'm bailing out now -- at 55 or 60 I don't want to still be riding this emotional rollercoaster.

rose

I am just wondering what kind of place you have booked in Mexico. It is at a resort? If so, I think it is pretty safe, lots of things to do, tours ect. I sure would not be going out of bounds at night, just commom sense. I just think it is kind of a big treat for someone who is getting out of jail. It is your choice in the end. I know if it was me, I would still be going, even alone.

When I was going through all this chaos with my exah, he was up on 5 charges for robbery. We hired this lawyer, he was looking at doing a longtime in jail. This lawyer got him off with a 9 month house arrest. I was so happy, thinking that surely this was enough to scare him straight. I got a call from the lawyer just a day or so after, he asked me to come down to see him. I went to see him and he said lets go for a walk. Thinking this is kind of weird, but off we went. He said I know you are happy that we got your husband off, but he said I have been a criminal lawyer for 30 years, I have seen drug addicts from every walk of life...your husband is a serious drug addict. Although we won and got through this, I am sorry to tell you that this will not be the end of it, he is heavily addicted. He said I don't want to see you look at yourself in the mirror 10 years from now and wish you had make different choices. You don't want to live a life like this and you don't deserve it. He said this man is so underving of you and never have I watch a wife stick by her husband the way you have and he is so unappreciative of it. I am just telling you, that this what your life is going to be.

Well that burst my bubble and I got in my car, off to my mom's place in tears and mad at that lawyer...thinking he doesn't know what he is talking about...guess what? 11 days later he was picked up again. We did seperate, well how can you not when he is in jail more than home. In the last 6 years I can't even begin to tell you how much trouble he has been in.

Maybe you still have hopes and dreams with him, but you have broken the ice, he needs help not holidays. You and I both know what it is like in Mexico...drinks by the pool, drinks at the corner store, shots of booze here and there. How do you can you let a child look at the candy and say...No you can't have any. This holiday to Mexico for him is in no way a help, it is like giving he the green light.

Like me, do you really want to look at yourself in the mirror 10 years from now?

Rose

URMYEVERYTHING

My same thoughts cynical... if she is financing all of this trip... to me.... it's not worth it. You'll end up being diappointed in the end.

lost84

the decision is soley up to you and your heart (which i can almost bet will take him) i did that too (different situation same mess) but when you are home, NOTHING changes nor will change till he does i just think you should take the time and travel ALONE it would be really good for you body/mind
best of luck!

DreamAngel

Thank you everyone for replying!!!!

lol Alaska is not that far from Washington

The thing with the ticket, you can not change the name on it. And legally if he would want to go he could go no matter what i say. But I'm sure that he is not that messed up in the head

I would probably think that we would have a good time. With no one else around and when we come back ? well i don't know.
I guess I still have 1 more month to think about it.

hmmm I would tell you not to go... But at the end you would do whatever your heart tells you.

DreamAngel

Oh i feel the same way too! I think if ill ever get married again I would not plan the whole beautiful wedding all over again... church, reception, flowers, bridesmaids , groomsmen etc.... I think i would just get married at court or something.... Dreams are ruined!
Why did you have to cancel your wedding?

suki44883

I agree with whoever it was that said go ahead and do what you're already planning to do regardless of what we say. I'm not sure why you even asked the question.

DreamAngel

In my mind that what i was thinking that by going with him I'm not planning the wedding again. I'm just going because we had the tickets.

I'm sorry that it happend to you Yes getting to know my ex fiance i would NEVER date a guy with a drug addiction. Thats why i'm so glad that i did cancel the wedding......

teke

my heart kind of ache for you dream. you are right, so i just want you to know that we will still be here for you when you return, if thats what your heart and instinct is telling you to do.

please be aware though, that things may or may not turn out exactly the way you plan. if you do decide to go, keep the focus on the reality of what you really have at hand. imo, you will be opening yourself up to be suck right back in for a long run. i can't stress this enough to you, loving an addict is a very very painful way to live. without help and a commitment to get better, it WILL get worse. the choice is yours though. i chose for 21yrs to try and tough it out, in the end, i HAD to let go after all, with a lot of good yrs left behind.

my mom tried to tell me but in the end she decided that i had to find out the hard way, and thats exactly what i did. gosh, has it been a hard lesson to learn. i think everyone here can say that they've suffer enough for all of us so that we don't have to. again, the choice is yours. for now, i suggest you do what you feel is best for you to do, its your life, you live it the way you want.

now i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs behind me but i still can't promise i won't relapse. if that happens, i know that my life will immediately go down hill, it really is a struggle to get back on track once fallen off. i wish you the best and i do pray that he can find his way and that it sticks but i encourage you, like all the rest here, to take a step back and watch his actions and not just his words. i do believe sometimes addicts mean well, just not always do so well. i guess i'm rambling right now but i hope i've not offended you in any way because i really do care.

DreamAngel

Well we had our finances together. Everytime he would get paid his check would go in to my bank. So I guess he paid for them but out of my account.
And yes he does have money and even if he wouldnt his mom loves him so much that she would give him money for the trip.

Callie

Can you Ebay or at least Craigslist his or both of your tickets? Paradise for a codie (me) would completely suck me back in and I wouldn't want that. Vacation = no responsibilities or anyone to answer. chalk it up or try to get what you can out of the tickets. IMHO

DreamAngel

No , because you can not change the name on the ticket. the person that the ticket is registered to supposed to be flying!

We were supposed to go to CABO.

Ann

DreamAngel, regardless of the codependency issues here, why in the world would you go to Mexico or Russia (I think you mentioned Russia in an earlier post) with a heroin addict? Even if he is clean, it's been a very short time, certainly not long enough to trust that he'll stay clean, here or there.

The reason I ask is that should he use or get caught with drugs in Mexico or Russia you also would be at risk and their jails are not good places to be and it could be for a very long time.

Think about this, are you willing to risk your life for a man who cannot stay clean?

It would cost you far less in the end to cancel your trips than to go and have trouble abroad with an addict.

Hugs

hello-kitty

Funny when I look back on everything I did for my addict I am pretty disgusted with myself now. I took him to Salish Lodge (you know the place) and spent a ton of money the first time he got out of jail. We had a wonderful time. Got a couples massage. Ate well. Went on hikes. It was so romantic. And he even stayed clean while we were there. I was so proud of him. He swore he was done with drugs.

I was 3 months pregnant with his baby at the time. I thought that it was worth it. I loved him. I wanted to enjoy our time together. Me, him and our unborn child. I thought that I could compete with the drugs. That if I could show him how wonderful our life could be together, that he would find it in him to stay clean.

Then we got home. And he stayed clean for one more day. He relapsed the next day. Eventually went back to jail.

We repeated this pattern for a couple more years. And it had been going on for a long time before that.

I continued to live in the fantasy that if I could just show him how wonderful we were together, how wonderful the world was when he was sober, (and how great life was when he wasn't in jail) that he would stay sober.

Of course. He was an addict. He couldn't think about anything for very long before the urge to get high would take over and he would ditch me and his child to get dope.

Each time he left I would swear it was the last time. But then I would let my desire for a relationship and a father for my son take over, and I would try again. And he would relapse again. And my heart would break again.

This went on for years.

What a waste of my precious time, my emotional health and energy. I wish I would have just flushed the money down the toilet and focused on myself and my future. And quit worrying about his. It would have been worth it. And it would have done him just as much good. He was doing exactly what he wanted to do (using drugs) and I was basically rewarding him for it by taking him on trips, feeding him, ministering to him and loving him no matter what. I provided him with a soft place to land after his binges so he could recover and go out and use again.

One thing that I learned from the experience was that you need to take care of yourself. Because if you don't, no one else will. Especially not an addict. An addict will suck you dry like a vampire. And then go find another victim.

Callie

Have you called the airlines/travel agent to let them know the situation? Regardless, I'd loose the $, take his butt to court for 1/2 of it or at least go by myself. I'm sorry you're going through this, but good for you for breaking away.

An addict will suck you dry like a vampire. And then go find another victim. Please listen to HK - this is so true!