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Strugglin with... Okay, I'm having a weak moment and need some advice. As some of you know.. I have been on here a while and my ABF is currently in rehab. He acknowledges he is powerless over the drug and is doing quite well. He knows not to call me collect and WE are both fine with this. It keeps him grounded and it also keeps me in perspective. My struggle is: I have been supportive in visiting him and giving him stamps and envelopes but that's about it. I don't bring him hygiene, food, money, cigarettes, calling cards etc. However, what would you consider enabling, etc. when they are in treatment? Is bringing a plate of food considered enabling? I mean, I know I'm being technical and hard on him but what would you suggest? |
I seriously doubt that the rehab would let you bring food. I know the only thing my son could have was something in the original sealed wrapper from the store. I think everyones idea of enabling is different. Personally I have gotten my son some things he needed while in rehab. My thinking was I will help you (within reason) while you are doing the right things but I have made it clear after several attempts at rehab that if he chooses the drugs again then he is on his own. I do not consider toiletries enabling. You need to do whatever you are comfortable with. |
The rehab does allow you to bring food in. I checked with his counselor. For some reason I have this reason that no matter what I do (even buying toiletries) he will not appreciate his recovery seriously. I don't know.. I might be going out on a limb here... maybe it's just me... maybe I'm still internally angry with all that has been done to me while he was in active addiction. Even though I didn't have myself wrapped up in his addiction long because he got thrown out or cut off with each relapse immediately, I still feel that any help I give him will be taken for granted. I guess I will feel that in some little way I'm giving him that room to manipulate me. AHHH! SCREAM!! Damned if I do, damned if I don't. By the way, he's doing really well in rehab and accepting the treatment. First week in was whine, whine, whine but my last visit with him was peaceful and not all about him. :scared: |
I think there is a difference between "help" "support" "enabling" and just being a loving friend or partner. Does a part of you think he needs to be "punished" for being an addict and causing others pain, and it really is not fear of enabling his continued use, it is a desire to make him see the error of his ways? I found the best way to figure out my best course of action was to examine my motives. Why did I want to do, or not do, a particular action? Was I motivated by a sense of love or a positive feeling, or was I filled with anger, resentment or the need to control my addict? That little shift in perspective from the addicted loved one to me, really helped me figure out my part in things and to keep focused on my recovery. Doing that helped me make choices on what worked for me and made me comfortable. It allowed me to show support with sincerity and to do certain things simply as an act of love, not a means of control. |
I often struggle with the fine line between compassion and enabling. The factor that determines which one is appropriate is the sincerity and commitment of the alcoholic/addict. Sometimes that can't really be determined as we are such accomplished liars at to our true intent. Compassion can really help someone who is sincere and comitted to Recovery, Enabling could really hurt them. |
Personally I have been in the situation that you are in now, and I just sent him long, looong letters. I was afraid if I brought anything else, he would use it for monetary value and sell it for drugs, if there were anything in the rehab to buy. |
Originally Posted by greeteachday
(Post 2358724)
I think there is a difference between "help" "support" "enabling" and just being a loving friend or partner. Does a part of you think he needs to be "punished" for being an addict and causing others pain, and it really is not fear of enabling his continued use, it is a desire to make him see the error of his ways? Not at all. He's an addict. It is what it is and his behaviors came from that of an addict. I work in the field, not an addict myself, but I know that he is punished in his own way. I don't need to compund that. I found the best way to figure out my best course of action was to examine my motives. Why did I want to do, or not do, a particular action? Was I motivated by a sense of love or a positive feeling, or was I filled with anger, resentment or the need to control my addict? That little shift in perspective from the addicted loved one to me, really helped me figure out my part in things and to keep focused on my recovery. Doing that helped me make choices on what worked for me and made me comfortable. It allowed me to show support with sincerity and to do certain things simply as an act of love, not a means of control. |
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