woog

My GF is coming off of a 9 month addiction to OC, through methadone. Tonight was her first night off of methadone. Long story short, with all the lies that came from her during her addiction, can one truly trust an addict again? Obviously it's their choice, and I am not a baby sitter, but if she decides to go shopping, or see friends in the city she got all the stuff from, can I relax? Just curious about the experiences of others and what to expect. Thanks!

Learn2Live

Hi woog, welcome. Here are my thoughts, take what you like, leave the rest:

Trusting another person is up to the individual. There is no cut-and-dry answer that applies to every relationship. However, my experience with drug addicts (several crack addicts, even 5 years clean) is no matter whether or not you can trust them again, they are not trustworthy. I believe trusting them is a waste of time and will set you up to be hurt again. Sorry to sound cynical and suspicious but I've stuck my hand in the drug-addict fire way too many times. Trust your instincts and follow your heart.

Whether or not you can relax is entirely up to you. The healthiest life is a relaxed life; which are you going to choose for yourself?

leelee5675

In my opinion, the only way you can relax is to educate yourself on addiction and learn to truly understand that you have absolutely no control over another person's actions, behavior, or the choices they make. And to learn and take to heart that if they decide to relapse there's nothing you can do to stop it because it is in no way your fault.

In my case it took me a long time to get there and there's times I still want to control, but I did finally learn to relax most of the time. It's a great relief.

I think L2L got it right in saying that where trust is concerned, there's no set answer to that, cause every situation is different.

I will say this...my father was addicted to alcohol and I could never let my guard down till the day he died. He could literally go months and months without taking a drink (I think the longest was 18 months) then just wouldn't show up one night until very late with a wrecked car...we just never knew.

On the other hand...I had an aunt that stopped drinking when I was twelve and never touched the stuff again.

I am now dealing with a 32-year-old recovering addict daughter. Like you, there were lots of lies, stealing from me, etc. during active addiction. With what I went through with my dad, I know that I will never completely trust her again. I can see where someday there may be areas where I could possibly learn to trust her again, but I doubt it. I still love her deeply, but trust???...I just don't think so.

One of the true horrors of addiction is the unpredictability of the whole thing.

Hope something I've said resonates and can help.

Learn2Live

leelee, can I ask, how old was your Dad when he died?

teke

i'm a recovering addict and i consider myself as trust worthy. i can't promise i will never relapse but i can say that i'll do my best not to. i think that trust for the addict can possibly be rebuilt but it is up to the addict to, with time and consistant actions, earn that trust.

i also think that its up to the family members to understand addiction, except or not except the risk of returning addictive behavior, to learn to trust their own instincts and stick to their boundaries. i think its important for family members to keep focusing on taking care of themselves and their own best interest.

i think maybe at times rehab can be seen as a cure all, when its the beginning of a long jounery. can you relax? i think maybe you have to decide if you can relax with the decisions you make for yourself and nothing based on the addict.

daisylady

I feel trust is earned, so yes, I think you can build trust again. However, I feel like the more times your addict breaks your trust (through continued relapses) it is just that much harder the next time to rebuild that trust. My AH has been to rehab 4 times and the first few times it was easier for him to earn trust as long as he was showing through ACTIONS not words, that I could trust him. At this point, this being is 4th time at trying to get it right, I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again and I am seriously contemplating divorce. I don't know what the answer is for YOU personally, but everyone is different. Just protect yourself, trust yourself and remember, if you feel like something is up, it probably is!

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, probably a duck... : )

HUGS,
Daisy

woog

Thanks guys for chiming in. I know every situation is different, I realize I can't control her and I'm not going to try. I was just curious to hear from other people, some answers are better than none.
I told her, after I first found out, "never lie to me, I'll never be mad as long as you never lie. I know you're sick and I'm here for you." She relapsed once, after being clean for a month, one day she got some and did a line. She told me though! I was (unfortunately) impressed she told me, there would have been no way for me to have known. I'm really thankful for this website, you can't go to meetings everyday, and I can't imagine not having this outlet. Thank you very much.

laurie6781

(((((Woog)))))

Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons you had to.

As to regaining trust. As said above with each individual the time frame is different.

However, by watching her ACTIONS, a lot more than listening to her words, you will start to know when your trust is returning. IF she is truly in recovery and working very hard on herself you will start to see changes ............................ small at first .............. little things ............................ saying she is going to do something than doing it, etc Let your 'gut' be your guide.

Again WELCOME, it is good to have you here.

Love and hugs,

Learn2Live

Hey woog, trust your instincts, follow your heart.