justtired

Bad situation on my hands. My abf broke into my private email and read emails between myself and his psychiatrist. I know I should have deleted them, but kept them as reassurance that I was on the right track when abf was able to convince me that he didn't have a problem. Anyway, of course the psychiatrist's role is to lead him to figure it out for himself and has been trying to gently do that, while telling me that he knows he has a problem and getting more information from me as to what goes on at home. As I said, abf did a password request and was able to get into my email. I'm so mad at him for breaking into my email account and mad at myself for having kept them. I never thought he would go to that length.

I woke up this morning and there's a note saying, "I have proof that you are lying to me and so is the doctor. Who do i trust now?".

This doctor was doing a great job with him and had gained his trust. I'm so mad at the whole situation and I'm not sure what to do.

breakingfree88

Its very unfortunate that all of this happened. But your abf has a point. His psychiatrist was making progress with him and should have never violated that trust and confidentiality he had with your abf. Despite the fact that it helped you, it was unethical on the doctor's part and I'm sorry it happened. Perhaps your abf needs to find a new doctor, for both of your sakes. Keep us updated.

justtired

His doctor didn't break confidentiality. He was given permission to talk to me privately about his care. I am at fault for keeping the emails. And abf is at fault for breaking into my email.

cherrie1

Sorry that happened, you must feel awful. I would explain to him that you were only trying to help and if he truly wants help and was being honest with the Dr. then really there is no harm done. I understand what you were doing because the Dr. only really knows what the patient tells them, which I am sure they leave a lot out. Makes you wonder why he was trying to get into your email in the first place.

suki44883

Sounds to me like you both need to decide if this relationship is salvageable and if you each want to continue with it. If, in fact, you both do, perhaps he should revoke his permission for his psychiatrist to discuss his sessions, and you should get a new password for your email. Just my two cents worth.

Also, separate counseling or nar-anon might be good for you.

justtired

He's been accusing me of cheating because I've pulled away from him because of the addiction. Doesn't believe me when i tell him it's just the addiction and there's nobody else. So I'm sure he was trying to find proof that I'm cheating (which I'm not).

Ann

What's done is done. I hope you both can work things out and maybe get some counseling together.

And I'd make sure my e-mail was more secure. Regardless of what is there, nobody has the right to break in.

Hugs

URMYEVERYTHING

But the psychiatrist did break part of that trust because in his sessions with him he obviously didn't disclose that you and him were exchanging emails, discussing him and using those emails in their sessions to further help him. I'm a therapist myself and if I was in this predicament where a signed release was given, I would address my client in each session that I received an email, letter, etc. from their loved one and this is what they had to say... care to share.

True, your abf shouldn't have broken into your email and he was wrong, however, both of you were at fault in this situation. That's just my opinion. Everyone played a part in mistrusting the other including the psychiatrist.

Unfortunately, this is what addiction does to families. No one trusts the other and the cycle continues until ALL can step back and say, "Yep, I played my part (whatever that may be) and I'm sorry."

URMYEVERYTHING

This is his way of putting the blame on him so he justify to himself that using is okay. This is classic addict behavior. I had mine say similar things like, "You aren't just the same, maybe I should leave, I'm a burden on you." I told him then, "You are using." He looked at me like I was crazy. 2 days later, I caught him and kicked him out.

I have learned not to engage in these back and forth banters with my abf. I give him choices including one of them to shut up because his quacking annoys the hell out of me. I have become stronger to realize that I don't deserve to be accused, given an attitude, etc. because he wants to use. I also have learned that an addict will accuse cheating because THEY themselves are sexually inadequate and they know it.

Trust me... it's HIS issue... not yours. I hope you are able to set some boundaries with him and protect yourself.

tjp613

the doctor didn't break confidentiality -- as she said above, the doctor was given permission to discuss his care.

From my point of view the only one at fault here is the abf for breaking into her email. What about THAT trust issue? That's what happens when you snoop around where you don't belong....you run the risk of finding out something you don't like. Oh well, I guess he found what he's looking for.... a reason to use. Plain and simple.

URMYEVERYTHING

I agree. The only reason I used the word FAULT is because that is the original word used.

Just to clarify, I don't want to place blame on anyone in any situation. Everyone does need to take responsibility in the parts they have played in a relationship. It's not always on our addicts. Sometimes, we (co-addicts) have to look at ourselves.

bluejay6

The psychiatrist is the professional in this triangle, and in my opinion, it will be his responsibility to bring both of you into his office and with his expertise deal with this enormous breakdown of trust. This is not for you to fix. The ball is in the doctor's court and I would let him make the shot.

Bluejay

justtired

I was gone when abf got up. He had an appointment with the doc a couple hours ago and he's not back yet so I'm not sure what is being discussed. I understand how he must be feeling and yet I'm so mad that he would do something like get into my email. There's a new level of distrust on my end that I'm not sure can be repaired. He crossed a line. I just want to dissappear.

suki44883

Change your email and stop discussing his recovery with his Pdoc. His recovery is his and you need to work on your own issues of being in a relationship with a recovering addict. Get your own counseling and leave him to his. If this relationship is going to go forward, you both need to work on your own issues and stop meddling in the others. Just my additional two cents worth.

justtired

Abf is not in recovery. He is in denial. His doc was just trying to help him by getting a better idea of what is really hapening. It had not been ongoing dialouge, but just a few emails so he could better understand the real situation. And he had told him that we were emailing and shared with him what we discussed. He did spend a little time explaining to me the method he was using with him so that it wouldn't appear confusing to me which I apprecaited. We haven't spoken lately and will not be speaking anytime in the future I'm sure. I've already changed my email. I feel that nothing is safe now. I no longer feel I have any privacy or respect. He will go to any lengths with complete disregard for me. I imagine this is what it feels like when someone breaks into your home and steals from you. I feel violated. What a freaking mess.

suki44883

Well, if that's the way you feel, then maybe you need to consider whether or not you wish to remain in this relationship. I mean...do you want to continue to live with someone who doesn't trust you and you don't trust either? What kind of a relationship is that? What are you getting out of it?

We can only respond to what you post, and from what you have posted, there are major trust issues involved here. Sounds to me like it's time for some soul searching on your part regarding whether or not this is what you want for yourself. You obviously realize that you cannot make him into what you want him to be. So, you have to decide whether or not to wait it out and see if things improve, or move on with your own life. I wish you the best.

justtired

This comment upsets me because it implies I was being sneaky. I had permission to talk to his doctor and we exchanged a couple emails and abf was aware that we did. That had nothing to do with why abf was thinking something was going on. He has accused me of cheating several times and he was looking for confirmation of that fact. Was it right to talk behind his back? I don't know. We were given permission to discuss his care and that's what we did.

Freedom1990

When my youngest daughter ran away at age 15, and ended up a ward of the state, everything was taken out of my hands.

In hindsight, it was a blessing for both of us.

When she was finally placed into a foster home, thus began the process of the state setting her up for regular counseling through a mental health center.

I knew good and well she was going to give 'her side' of things at the counseling sessions. There was a huge part of me that wanted to directly talk to her counselor and say "look, this is the hell I have been living with for so long now."

But you know what? I wasn't allowed to do that, and thank God. Instead the state had me busy with my own stuff like attending parenting classes geared towards teens, and attending my own individual counseling for myself.

My daughter's counselor did just fine without my 'help'.

My daughter and I both took away many good lessons from that experience, even though it was incredibly painful at times. One of the biggest things that I learned is that the world wasn't going to fall apart if I wasn't in charge, or trying to manage things because I thought I knew what was best for someone else.

That daughter still lives at home with me at the age of 21. She has her own stuff to deal with. I stay out of her stuff 99% of the time, and if I feel myself falling into old behaviors, I either post on SR or call my sponsor.

She's an adult and I give her the dignity to make her own choices, whether I agree with them or not. She also knows she can talk to me about anything, and often does. I doubt we would have that kind of relationship today had I continued to micro-manage her life in one way or another.

Chino

When my daughter first started therapy we all had the same arrangement. She knew her psychologist and I exchanged emails and the contents were sometimes used during their sessions, though I didn't know the details.

That ended very soon when all three of us became uncomfortable and at about the same time. I was referred to another psychologist, began my own recovery and left her alone to deal with hers.

My emotional health has thrived since then

URMYEVERYTHING

Unfortunately dear, this is what addicts do. The next step will be to steal from you or put you into a compromising situation. If he knew about you and Doc exchanging emails and still made a big scene about it, then you have your confirmation that he wanted to use and whatever you said to the doc he wasn't completely honest about. You blew up his spot. As I said in another post, any threat to an addict (including one who is trying to help in getting him to stop using) will be attacked.

Again, I'm sorry you are going through this. Just take a look at the role you play in this as well when the anger clears. It will all come into perspective for you.