hello
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Aurora, IL
Posts: 7
hello
this is my first post here, and i am very glad to have found this community. i recently discovered that i am engaged to an addict. we have been together for just under 3 years and i was blind to his addiction until shortly after we became engaged. fortunately, we have not planned a wedding or even set a date, so i don't have the added pressure of feeling "trapped" by the situation.
as everyone who has an addicted love one, our situation is unique, yet alarmingly the same. he has the added obstacle of suffering from bipolar disorder, which he has always been open and honest with me about and is a condition that while difficult and sometimes emotionally exhausting, is manageable in our relationship. unfortunately, it is also a condition that often leads to addiction. things had been gradually deteriorating with his mental health over the last year or so as his moods were out of control to the point that he was unable to handle them in a healthy way. if you are at all familiar with the disorder, the person manages the illness through both therapy and medication (the medication is really not "optional" the way it is in some other forms of mental illness... if his moods aren't chemically regulated he becomes unable to function due to either severe depression or the dizzying, blind, conquer the world, invinceable behaviors of mania that can often lead to reckless, dangerous situations because a person can't properly assess risk or understand that there are often drastic consequences to their actions while they are in this mental state (sound familiar?).
so... as if this wasn't enough for him to battle right? while his moods were shifting due to his illness, he began to "self medicate" as he saw fit to try and even himself back out. unfortunately, it's very easy for him to be confused that this is not an acceptable thing to do, because throughout the life of this illness, it is consistantly reinforced that medication is a vital part in how you manage mood problems, so in his head, if his moods aren't managed, well, you take more pills right? i didn't really recognize that he's an addict for a long time. when you are trying to be supportive to a person with a mental illness who is in the throws of crippling depression, arguing over the number of anti-anxiety meds they took that day, just doesn't seem to aid anyone involved. and then slowly, i started to realize that the extra meds part was happening far more often than i realized, actually contributing to his mental illness, and that indeed he is an addict.
this is a very scary thing for me to deal with. people that suffer from bipolar disorder are 50% more likely than the average person to attempt suicide. when you couple that with the cloud of addiction and the unrest it brings to the addicts life, it's very difficult not to be an enabler by trying to protect the addict from hitting bottom... it's VERY difficult to grasp that he is far more likely to crash through the bottom and be covered over with dirt than the typical addict, and those odds are already scary enough. finding this site helped me immensely though, in understanding how important it is to not do this. i can't go so far as to say that i'm optimistic that our relationship will survive this based on my ability to cope with these fears on a regular basis, but i feel like i have the tools to make an educated decision if it comes to that. it's heart-wrenching to love someone so much, and be such a good team despite the obstacles we face with the bipolar disorder, and then to watch our relationship unravel under the addiction. over the last few months things went from alarming to crisis. he had taken far too much medicine and his drug of choice ran out way too early for him to get a refill, he had severe withdrawals which of course threw him into extreme anxiety and depression and when coupled with his bipolar caused him to completely mentally "break". he struggled terribly hard for a couple days against it and finally ended up in such a mentally unstable state that he attempted to OD on a mix of several of his medications. fortunately i was home and rushed him to the ER. the weeks after this are when the full extent of his addiction became clear. i was asked by the hospital staff when he was released, to take control of his medication for awhile to make sure he wasn't going to cycle again and harm himself. everyone, apart from me and family, thought this was caused by his bipolar... including himself and the doctors (i don't think they knew anything about his addiction). but i knew his withdrawal is what sent him into the tailspin that was compounded by the bipolar disorder. of course, after dealing with this traumatic experience and being asked by hospital staff to take control of his medication, i became a prime enabler and his addictive behaviors sped up at an alarming rate. suddenly, the man that i love and plan my future around, was outright lying and manipulating me, picking the keylock on the security box i kept his medication in, preying on my emotions to try and manipulate me to accept that he could use without it being a problem, etc. it was like someone took the relationship i had so much pride in, and burned it at the stake. our foundation of trust was broken, when i tried to talk with him about his addiction it somehow was always my fault he was acting this way. i was called controlling over and over again. just today he said something about he's marrying his "mother" (who, ironically, or perhaps not so, is also an addict) in regards to me keeping tabs on his meds.
i've made a lot of mistakes over the last month in dealing with his addiction, some out of ignorance, some out of concern, many out of the leftover traumatic anxiety caused by the OD attempt. i know now that part of the reason his addictive behaviors accelerated so quickly is because i began to assume the consequences of them for him. he can blame me that he got into his pills because i didn't buy an adequate safe. he can blame me that we have trust issues because i control his meds and have been pushing him "too hard" to tell his therapist about his addiction struggle. he can write me off as unable to understand that his bipolar disorder caused his OD attempt, not all the pills he was coming off of. and as with any addict still in any form of denial he thinks this problem doesn't really exist at any large magnitude, it's just me overreacting and putting our relationship at risk by doing so. well, i found out he is half right about that, i'm not overreacting, but my response IS my problem. one i have to learn whether or not i can overcome and am learning about the options and what i can expect from all of your stories on here. now that i understand what i've been doing wrong in dealing with his addiction and enabling it, i can put a stop to all that. i can refocus on me, quit throwing myself into the well to try and pull him out of it, and let him learn from his consequences. i will encourage, but not demand, he talk to his therapist about it. i will not make ultimatums i'm not yet prepared to act on. and i will live my life in such a fashion that his addiction is not allowed to act towards me on his behalf. when the fall happens that forces him to face his consequences, i will be realistic with him and myself about how i can or cannot manage the distress that comes with it, and mostly, as i ask of all of you and for all those struggling with addiction, i will do everything i possibly can to remain positive about each and every step towards recovery, whether they are obviously good choices like acceptance of the magnitude of what's happening, rehab, etc. or even the bad things that are blessings in disguise... like when he has to struggle to explain to his doctors why he's calling early for his refills, or he becomes so despondent that he has to make the decision to go to the hospital or be taken in, or even me understanding that i might have to walk away from the love of my life, for my own sanity.
this is no easy battle, but i now realize that the only part of the battle that is mine is how i allow myself to be influenced by it. thank you for sharing your lessons and struggles. please pray for me and my addict if that's your thing, he has a very scary, hopefully not life-ending fall coming unless by some rare miracle he's allowed a moment of clarity that most addicts aren't. i'm thankful to be able to have support during this difficult journey.
as everyone who has an addicted love one, our situation is unique, yet alarmingly the same. he has the added obstacle of suffering from bipolar disorder, which he has always been open and honest with me about and is a condition that while difficult and sometimes emotionally exhausting, is manageable in our relationship. unfortunately, it is also a condition that often leads to addiction. things had been gradually deteriorating with his mental health over the last year or so as his moods were out of control to the point that he was unable to handle them in a healthy way. if you are at all familiar with the disorder, the person manages the illness through both therapy and medication (the medication is really not "optional" the way it is in some other forms of mental illness... if his moods aren't chemically regulated he becomes unable to function due to either severe depression or the dizzying, blind, conquer the world, invinceable behaviors of mania that can often lead to reckless, dangerous situations because a person can't properly assess risk or understand that there are often drastic consequences to their actions while they are in this mental state (sound familiar?).
so... as if this wasn't enough for him to battle right? while his moods were shifting due to his illness, he began to "self medicate" as he saw fit to try and even himself back out. unfortunately, it's very easy for him to be confused that this is not an acceptable thing to do, because throughout the life of this illness, it is consistantly reinforced that medication is a vital part in how you manage mood problems, so in his head, if his moods aren't managed, well, you take more pills right? i didn't really recognize that he's an addict for a long time. when you are trying to be supportive to a person with a mental illness who is in the throws of crippling depression, arguing over the number of anti-anxiety meds they took that day, just doesn't seem to aid anyone involved. and then slowly, i started to realize that the extra meds part was happening far more often than i realized, actually contributing to his mental illness, and that indeed he is an addict.
this is a very scary thing for me to deal with. people that suffer from bipolar disorder are 50% more likely than the average person to attempt suicide. when you couple that with the cloud of addiction and the unrest it brings to the addicts life, it's very difficult not to be an enabler by trying to protect the addict from hitting bottom... it's VERY difficult to grasp that he is far more likely to crash through the bottom and be covered over with dirt than the typical addict, and those odds are already scary enough. finding this site helped me immensely though, in understanding how important it is to not do this. i can't go so far as to say that i'm optimistic that our relationship will survive this based on my ability to cope with these fears on a regular basis, but i feel like i have the tools to make an educated decision if it comes to that. it's heart-wrenching to love someone so much, and be such a good team despite the obstacles we face with the bipolar disorder, and then to watch our relationship unravel under the addiction. over the last few months things went from alarming to crisis. he had taken far too much medicine and his drug of choice ran out way too early for him to get a refill, he had severe withdrawals which of course threw him into extreme anxiety and depression and when coupled with his bipolar caused him to completely mentally "break". he struggled terribly hard for a couple days against it and finally ended up in such a mentally unstable state that he attempted to OD on a mix of several of his medications. fortunately i was home and rushed him to the ER. the weeks after this are when the full extent of his addiction became clear. i was asked by the hospital staff when he was released, to take control of his medication for awhile to make sure he wasn't going to cycle again and harm himself. everyone, apart from me and family, thought this was caused by his bipolar... including himself and the doctors (i don't think they knew anything about his addiction). but i knew his withdrawal is what sent him into the tailspin that was compounded by the bipolar disorder. of course, after dealing with this traumatic experience and being asked by hospital staff to take control of his medication, i became a prime enabler and his addictive behaviors sped up at an alarming rate. suddenly, the man that i love and plan my future around, was outright lying and manipulating me, picking the keylock on the security box i kept his medication in, preying on my emotions to try and manipulate me to accept that he could use without it being a problem, etc. it was like someone took the relationship i had so much pride in, and burned it at the stake. our foundation of trust was broken, when i tried to talk with him about his addiction it somehow was always my fault he was acting this way. i was called controlling over and over again. just today he said something about he's marrying his "mother" (who, ironically, or perhaps not so, is also an addict) in regards to me keeping tabs on his meds.
i've made a lot of mistakes over the last month in dealing with his addiction, some out of ignorance, some out of concern, many out of the leftover traumatic anxiety caused by the OD attempt. i know now that part of the reason his addictive behaviors accelerated so quickly is because i began to assume the consequences of them for him. he can blame me that he got into his pills because i didn't buy an adequate safe. he can blame me that we have trust issues because i control his meds and have been pushing him "too hard" to tell his therapist about his addiction struggle. he can write me off as unable to understand that his bipolar disorder caused his OD attempt, not all the pills he was coming off of. and as with any addict still in any form of denial he thinks this problem doesn't really exist at any large magnitude, it's just me overreacting and putting our relationship at risk by doing so. well, i found out he is half right about that, i'm not overreacting, but my response IS my problem. one i have to learn whether or not i can overcome and am learning about the options and what i can expect from all of your stories on here. now that i understand what i've been doing wrong in dealing with his addiction and enabling it, i can put a stop to all that. i can refocus on me, quit throwing myself into the well to try and pull him out of it, and let him learn from his consequences. i will encourage, but not demand, he talk to his therapist about it. i will not make ultimatums i'm not yet prepared to act on. and i will live my life in such a fashion that his addiction is not allowed to act towards me on his behalf. when the fall happens that forces him to face his consequences, i will be realistic with him and myself about how i can or cannot manage the distress that comes with it, and mostly, as i ask of all of you and for all those struggling with addiction, i will do everything i possibly can to remain positive about each and every step towards recovery, whether they are obviously good choices like acceptance of the magnitude of what's happening, rehab, etc. or even the bad things that are blessings in disguise... like when he has to struggle to explain to his doctors why he's calling early for his refills, or he becomes so despondent that he has to make the decision to go to the hospital or be taken in, or even me understanding that i might have to walk away from the love of my life, for my own sanity.
this is no easy battle, but i now realize that the only part of the battle that is mine is how i allow myself to be influenced by it. thank you for sharing your lessons and struggles. please pray for me and my addict if that's your thing, he has a very scary, hopefully not life-ending fall coming unless by some rare miracle he's allowed a moment of clarity that most addicts aren't. i'm thankful to be able to have support during this difficult journey.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Hi RooKitty, nice to meet you. Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. I will pray for you and your fiance.
One thing that stood out of your post to me was the trip to the ER. In order to treat your fiance in the best possible way medically, especially with bi-polar issues, I really think the doctors need to know about the addiction issues. (Just my opinion.) Others with more experience with this will be along shortly.
Be sure to read all the sticky posts at the top of the forum. Learn all you can about addiction.... an active addict will lie, steal and blame you for their addiction. Please try not to take it personally. You're not to blame.
Remember the 3 C's of addiction:
1. You didn't Cause it
2. You Can't Control it
3. You Can't Cure it
Keep reading and posting! There's lots of good support and encouragement here.
One thing that stood out of your post to me was the trip to the ER. In order to treat your fiance in the best possible way medically, especially with bi-polar issues, I really think the doctors need to know about the addiction issues. (Just my opinion.) Others with more experience with this will be along shortly.
Be sure to read all the sticky posts at the top of the forum. Learn all you can about addiction.... an active addict will lie, steal and blame you for their addiction. Please try not to take it personally. You're not to blame.
Remember the 3 C's of addiction:
1. You didn't Cause it
2. You Can't Control it
3. You Can't Cure it
Keep reading and posting! There's lots of good support and encouragement here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Aurora, IL
Posts: 7
when he was at the ER they had ALL of his medication bottles, including the empties and how many were supposed to be there. i wrongly assumed they would understand that there was prescription abuse... and at that point i was still coming to terms with his addiction and wasn't sure if i should speak up. hindsight is 20/20. as soon as i realized the extent of what was happening, i asked him to tell his docs, both physical and psych, that he had a problem with addiction, and he did do that, in front of me. what was amazing to me was that his neurologist chose to keep him on the opiates he was abusing since i had control of the meds now and it's been the only med that really helped his physical condition (he has degenerative disc disease, osteoarthritis, and 4 buldging discs from an auto accident). and his psych doctors say that if that's what the doc thinks is best, that's what i should do. i still don't feel comfortable with this, but am tentatively riding it out. i know now, that if he demands control of his meds back, that i will give them to him so i'm not assuming the consequences of his addiction, and tell his docs this has happened.
thank you for your feedback!
thank
thank you for your feedback!
thank
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Aurora, IL
Posts: 7
congratulations on your two years anvilhead! that's a great accomplishment! 
i'm still learning to identify which of my "helping" actions are actually enabling actions. i've started asking myself the question "will doing this particular action allow him to not have to face the consequences of his addiction?" and even that isn't always a clear cut way to identify. it's especially challenging as he knows he's addicted, but hasn't been able to identify that his addiction is compounding his difficulties.
here's a question somebody may have experience with... when your addicted loved one has legitimate medical issues that cause him chronic pain, but you are for one reason or another unable to tell if he is experiencing that or withdrawal symptoms, how would you recommend i react? the mothering instinct in me always wants to do whatever i can to support him when he's in physical pain as a result of the auto accident, as that was in no way his fault and he's had a horrible struggle with pain management at times... so i do things like massage, help him do the things that are going to be physically taxing on him and worsen the pain, etc. but then, if this is caused by withdrawals, i tend to feel like i should be detaching, monitoring from a distance, and letting him feel the destruction his addiction brings about. has anybody struggled with something similar?
i'm still learning to identify which of my "helping" actions are actually enabling actions. i've started asking myself the question "will doing this particular action allow him to not have to face the consequences of his addiction?" and even that isn't always a clear cut way to identify. it's especially challenging as he knows he's addicted, but hasn't been able to identify that his addiction is compounding his difficulties.
here's a question somebody may have experience with... when your addicted loved one has legitimate medical issues that cause him chronic pain, but you are for one reason or another unable to tell if he is experiencing that or withdrawal symptoms, how would you recommend i react? the mothering instinct in me always wants to do whatever i can to support him when he's in physical pain as a result of the auto accident, as that was in no way his fault and he's had a horrible struggle with pain management at times... so i do things like massage, help him do the things that are going to be physically taxing on him and worsen the pain, etc. but then, if this is caused by withdrawals, i tend to feel like i should be detaching, monitoring from a distance, and letting him feel the destruction his addiction brings about. has anybody struggled with something similar?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome, rookitty.
Your fiance's medical situation is so complex, that it seems to me beyond the scope of any of us to unravel the issues about enabling his addiction.
The bipolar disorder is absolutely life-threatening when not properly medicated, and it concerns me very much that you seem to have found yourself gatekeeper to the treatments for his psychiatric illness as well as his addictive illness.
I assume he is on lithium for the bipolar? And he is mixing opiates into that?
Does he see a psychiatrist on a regular basis--meaning EVERY WEEK--who monitors his manic-depression and the level of his lithium and its effectiveness? If not, I have to say that if I were his fiance, that would be one of my bottom lines. You cannot have a relationship with someone who is not taking responsibility for his mental illness. The relationship is quite simply doomed to fail.
The opiate addiction is the other medical issue which you should not be monitoring nor controlling in any way, as you know. Many addicts in such situations do have their spouses dole out their medication--but these are addicts IN RECOVERY with an absolute commitment to taking responsibility for ALL aspects of their addiction.....meetings, counseling, doctors, whatever works to keep them clean. And only in this kind of solid recovery structure does the spouse, when asked, distribute the pain meds as prescribed. Recovering addicts know how dangerous it is for them to have a full bottle of any mind-altering medication in their hands and they take the appropriate measures to protect themselves from sudden relapse. In doing so, they do NOT get ANGRY at the spouse who so willingly works with them to provide a safe structure for pain management.
So with all this said, I believe you have to have some bottom lines. If these are not met, willingly, then I believe you need to walk away. You must also believe in your heart that whatever he does with his life after that, should you leave, is between him and God. His life will never be yours to control.
A good book on bipolar disorder is "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison.
Wishing you the help you need and good outcomes,
Bluejay
Your fiance's medical situation is so complex, that it seems to me beyond the scope of any of us to unravel the issues about enabling his addiction.
The bipolar disorder is absolutely life-threatening when not properly medicated, and it concerns me very much that you seem to have found yourself gatekeeper to the treatments for his psychiatric illness as well as his addictive illness.
I assume he is on lithium for the bipolar? And he is mixing opiates into that?
Does he see a psychiatrist on a regular basis--meaning EVERY WEEK--who monitors his manic-depression and the level of his lithium and its effectiveness? If not, I have to say that if I were his fiance, that would be one of my bottom lines. You cannot have a relationship with someone who is not taking responsibility for his mental illness. The relationship is quite simply doomed to fail.
The opiate addiction is the other medical issue which you should not be monitoring nor controlling in any way, as you know. Many addicts in such situations do have their spouses dole out their medication--but these are addicts IN RECOVERY with an absolute commitment to taking responsibility for ALL aspects of their addiction.....meetings, counseling, doctors, whatever works to keep them clean. And only in this kind of solid recovery structure does the spouse, when asked, distribute the pain meds as prescribed. Recovering addicts know how dangerous it is for them to have a full bottle of any mind-altering medication in their hands and they take the appropriate measures to protect themselves from sudden relapse. In doing so, they do NOT get ANGRY at the spouse who so willingly works with them to provide a safe structure for pain management.
So with all this said, I believe you have to have some bottom lines. If these are not met, willingly, then I believe you need to walk away. You must also believe in your heart that whatever he does with his life after that, should you leave, is between him and God. His life will never be yours to control.
A good book on bipolar disorder is "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison.
Wishing you the help you need and good outcomes,
Bluejay
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