wuzzled

I am slipping!! Or maybe I was never really moving forward, just kidding myself, pretending it was better, when maybe its not.

Don't know if I'm in denial or if I am crazy, or WTF!

This is really hard stuff. I know I have made progress attending al-anon. I go tonight, thank God!

I am having a hard time today. Actually, the last few days, since Friday.

I am not sure I have been making as much progress as I thought. I quit smoking on the 15 of August, and have done quite well, but the stress is really getting to me the last few days. I am pretty pissed off at my AH, and keep wanting to smoke, (could blame it on him) then I realize this is just how the addict mind works. I refuse to let him make me smoke! I am responsible for myself and my own actions!!

Anyway, I am rambling, but this is truly how my head feels right now. I guess I need to quit thinking about him. I can't get the feeling out of me that I think he relapsed Friday. I am back to the I need to figure this out mode, I need to know. I really need to only listen to my gut. But what if I'm wrong. Real stinkin thinkin goin on.

Trying to piece together the things that say to me he used. Did he or not? Why can't I figure it out. I don't trust him, yet I don't think I trust myself or my thoughts and feelings, my gut talking to me. I really feel like I did a year ago, believing it to be so, yet convincing myself, maybe not! I just don't know.

Don't have a sponsor from al-anon yet. Been going for a year. I really think I need to get one. Kind of afraid though. Don't really know what to do with a sponsor.

Do any of you go along for a while feeling you are doing much better, then all of a sudden, you feel like you really haven't gone so far after all?

I really need to find that Courage to change the things I can!

Ann

It's baby steps some days and I know that I have "hit the wall" sometimes, feeling like I am going nowhere. Usually that is when I really need to just wait and let life unfold.

Quitting smoking is very hard and perhaps some of your frustration is based on that, even though your thoughts may be valid the level of annoyance will probably be much higher for a while.

Stay the course, stick to your meetings and I have a feeling that as time passes so will your withdrawals from nicotine .

And getting a sponsor is a good idea, especially now that you have some time in at Al-anon. I was lucky to have a terrific sponsor with several years of recovery who guided me through the 12 steps and helped me learn how to apply them to my life.

And one final suggestion, chew gum, it helps

Hugs

wuzzled

Thanks Ann, I guess if I am taking baby steps, I won't hit the wall quite as hard as if I am running! Walk and chew gum, at the same time. LOL

Anvilhead, I didn't know there was another part to the serenity prayer. You're right, it is pretty cool. I really like the portions you did in bold.

No, haven't said much, literally, to my AH most of the week. I've been busy with daughter's dance and other stuff every evening this week, so I haven't been home. Not sure what to say at this point. Financially, things aren't so great, but it seems like he contributes very little anyway. I think I could make it on my own. Boundaries are what I struggle with, this is probably my wall, crash!!

tjp613

When I was in that same place ...trying to figure out if my son was using or not... I calmed myself by knowing that even if I don't know for sure today, it will be made known sooner or later. So I would just live for today knowing that whatever it is I NEED TO KNOW will be made known.

So maybe the answer is just to live in this moment and try to find serenity in THIS MOMENT. Look around and find beauty today.

Blessings to you!

wuzzled

True, sooner or later I will know. I just need to be able to do what I need to do when that time comes. This is where I run into that wall. I just need to do what I think is the next right thing.

wuzzled

Wisdom indeed!

RIGHT thing, or WISE thing. This really makes sense. I will focus more on the WISE, than the right. I know this has caused me hangups for many years, trying to figure out the right thing do is. Always fearing that the decision I make won't be the "right" one. Heck, it took me two months just to decide which frickin cell phone I wanted to buy! I was thinking about that the other day, and realized I just have a difficult time making decisions. I seem to wait til the last minute to decide things, all the while searching my mind for the RIGHT one.

P.s. and I thought my grandma had all the wisdom! LOL.

Serenity Bound

been there myself, a few times, we just need be gentle with ourselves and see the changes that we have already made.

Anvil...I really like the WISE thing....rather than right thing. Thanks