daisylady

I have been working really hard on "Let go, Let God." If I haven't heard from my AH, I don't call him, I try not to take care of him or do for him what he could do for himself (fix him dinner, do his laundry, buy his cigarettes etc.), I don't call around for rehab centers, I don't call this guy he knows to take him to AA meetings etc. I just know that HE needs to do it for himself and I need to take care of MYSELF and MY SON. The best thing that works for ME is to try to remove MYSELF from his chaos and addiction as much as possible. No or limited contact from him is best for ME.

Yesterday I hadn't heard from him all day and had no intention of contacting him. Well, his Mom is sending me e-mail all worried about him asking if I had talked to him. In an instant my codependency reared it's ugly head, I was SUCKED into the drama. She told me all about how he asked her for money because he blew money on coke that was supposed to be for his rent. She said she was worried about him because she hadn't heard from him since 1PM the day before (not even 24 hours later) and she tried to call him but he didn't answer. Anyway, I got home last night after work and started thinking: NO WAY, this is so not good for ME to talk to her about my AH, it makes ME crazy and then I start trying to control again. So, I e-mailed her and told her I didn't want to talk to her about my AH anymore and that I would call her if I knew he was in trouble or using (when is he not), other than that, I didn't want to talk to her about it because it wasn't good for me. I told her it was nothing personal. I just hope that I didn't hurt her feelings. I just feel bad because I know she is having a hard time letting go and she needs someone to talk to, but I KNOW that person cannot be ME. Anyway, do you think I did the right thing?

teke

i think you did the right thing. i am in the same situation at times and i feel the same as you.as sad and as hard as it maybe, i think maybe she has to be allowed to reach her bottom too.

daisylady

Thanks Teke, I think she is pretty pissed off at me now... oh well...what can I do at this point??

teke

know that regardless of what she thinks right now, you are a good mom and really do have her best interest at heart. know that one day, she may be more understanding and find gratitude in the decisions you've made to protect you and her, besides, one day she maybe able to look back and see that the decisions you've made to walk away, maybe the very thing that will help her father see just how destructive his life has become. who knows, maybe one day he will be able to tell her himself how much your decisions have helped to save him.

Chino

You set a boundary for yourself and that's a very good thing. Your MIL may or may not seek help for herself because of this, but you are helping yourself.

I have a whole bunch of friends who were willing to listen and help me in their own way, but at some point I knew it wasn't fair to them and sought help from people who had experience and knowledge.

As time has gone by, I've had to set boundaries with all my family and friends. It benefits me first and them second. In hindsight, it was very sobering to realize I didn't have many boundaries. That was for my sole benefit. The lack of boundaries allowed me to do as I wished and gravitate towards those with the same mindset -- yes men, so to speak.

I've lost a few friends/family in the process and also found new relationships with emotionally healthy family/friends. The most important thing is that I'm healthier and happier. You will be too, one day at a time

DreamAngel

I'm in the same situation right now, I just left my fiancé few days ago and I really want to talk to his mom and see how he is doing but in the back of my head I understand that's not good for me AT ALL!
You are very strong and you can get through it!
:praying

IPT

I also think you did the right thing. It is so easy to get pulled into the drama and start up our codie actions. Good for you taking care of yourself! Hopefully your MIL will see the light so to speak and realize you are doing what is best for everyone and follw suit herself.

daisylady

My MIL has a long way to go, she has been calling my AH's therapist trying to talk to her and trying to go to his therapy appointments WITH HIM!!! My AH is 30 years old!! She also told me yesterday she told my AH that she is calling to turn in his drug dealer and he better be careful going over there (she has done this before). I mean, it is just so crazy! If he doesn't get it from that drug dealer, he will find another one. I know it must be so hard being the Mother of an addict and I hope and pray I never have to experience that, but she is just making the situation worse. I just see all of the Mother's here and they aren't acting a fool like that!! She has been dealing with this crap as long as I have, I just wish she would get some continued help for herself! UGH! Deep breath...