do i visit-part 2
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
do i visit-part 2
First let me thank everyone who gave me their insight.
Second let me ask that you bear with me, cause I need to get this all out.
After much struggle, even up to & including going inside & speaking to one of the counselors, I did visit. Against your insight and against that little voice inside me. What can I say, just like the addict I had to do it MY way.
First I was already angry with AD because she wanted to leave on friday, because she has one 10 min pho call, but doesn't call me (only if she needs me to bring her something), never sent me a letter.
Second I'm angry at her friend. He is putting his two cents where it doesnt belong. i.e., tells me if I want to see my grand-daughter#2, all I have to do is call her father.............I know I'm being stubborn but I called him 3 weeks ago asking how she was......he did not answer the phone nor did he call me back.
Her friend goes on & on about how he maybe found a place for AD to live,
how he's going to three new meetings a day and how AD would probably benefit from them. How he has all this info about 1/2 houses.
And this is all b/4 the visit. (the day b/4)
So, I go in, she says I didn't think you were coming, so I didn't take a shower, thought I'd bum it today. Says how friend told her I may not come, and that HE wanted time alone to talk with her.
After the first hour of family class, we have a break. Friend goes on & on & on, I'm not going to go into all the sh*t, however I was getting angrier and angrier.
One of the counselors walks over and as she does AD says "oh no, it's J"
well "J" says what's that all about. AD says oh I don't want you trying to tell my Mom how I should go into a 1/2 house. "J" responds, oh I don't think your mom needs my input, I think she has already made up her mind.
More bullsh*t from friend, then he says he is getting evicted from his place, and I said "well I guess you'll be looking for a place to live right along with AD. He just looks at me, and AD very nasty says, I thought I could come back home after rehab. I said NO, not til you have sufficient recovery time under your belt. She's really mad now, and says well she should just leave there then. I said I think I should leave now. And I did. b/4 I did, I looked at the friend and said do NOT call me.
b/4 I actually left the bldg (I was talking to a counselor) AD comes out and says, "C" I/m leaving. At that point I rushed out the door.
I was shaking when I left. Turned my phone off and prayed.
2 1/2 hours later, I called to see if she did indeed leave and she did.
Here is what I learned from this experience.
trust my instinct
trust SR's instinct
I can't stand this sh*t anymore.
Second let me ask that you bear with me, cause I need to get this all out.
After much struggle, even up to & including going inside & speaking to one of the counselors, I did visit. Against your insight and against that little voice inside me. What can I say, just like the addict I had to do it MY way.
First I was already angry with AD because she wanted to leave on friday, because she has one 10 min pho call, but doesn't call me (only if she needs me to bring her something), never sent me a letter.
Second I'm angry at her friend. He is putting his two cents where it doesnt belong. i.e., tells me if I want to see my grand-daughter#2, all I have to do is call her father.............I know I'm being stubborn but I called him 3 weeks ago asking how she was......he did not answer the phone nor did he call me back.
Her friend goes on & on about how he maybe found a place for AD to live,
how he's going to three new meetings a day and how AD would probably benefit from them. How he has all this info about 1/2 houses.
And this is all b/4 the visit. (the day b/4)
So, I go in, she says I didn't think you were coming, so I didn't take a shower, thought I'd bum it today. Says how friend told her I may not come, and that HE wanted time alone to talk with her.
After the first hour of family class, we have a break. Friend goes on & on & on, I'm not going to go into all the sh*t, however I was getting angrier and angrier.
One of the counselors walks over and as she does AD says "oh no, it's J"
well "J" says what's that all about. AD says oh I don't want you trying to tell my Mom how I should go into a 1/2 house. "J" responds, oh I don't think your mom needs my input, I think she has already made up her mind.
More bullsh*t from friend, then he says he is getting evicted from his place, and I said "well I guess you'll be looking for a place to live right along with AD. He just looks at me, and AD very nasty says, I thought I could come back home after rehab. I said NO, not til you have sufficient recovery time under your belt. She's really mad now, and says well she should just leave there then. I said I think I should leave now. And I did. b/4 I did, I looked at the friend and said do NOT call me.
b/4 I actually left the bldg (I was talking to a counselor) AD comes out and says, "C" I/m leaving. At that point I rushed out the door.
I was shaking when I left. Turned my phone off and prayed.
2 1/2 hours later, I called to see if she did indeed leave and she did.
Here is what I learned from this experience.
trust my instinct
trust SR's instinct
I can't stand this sh*t anymore.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
I'm sorry for your experience but this is HER battle. You can only pray at this point. Keep to your boundaries and pray that she will find recovery. She isn't ready yet. Take care of yourself in the process.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
Oh...wow...I am so sorry. But please, please don't blame yourself. She was going to do what she was going to do, anyway. It was just a matter of time.
You stated one of your boundaries and are defending your sanity. You deserve to at least have a place of serenity in your own home. Dealing with the addiction of someone we love so much is hard enough...having no distance at all from them is unbearable at times. I know...I just went through about 3 years of my AD actively using while living in my home.
Kudos to you on the "friend" (if we can really call him that). You don't need his phone calls. Some friends help by keeping you informed when the addict won't, but it sounds like this one's not trying to do that. It seems like he's trying to take control of her addiction.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you can find the strength to "Let Go and Let God" (I struggle with that so much...it's hard for me). And I hope you can find some peace through this storm.
You stated one of your boundaries and are defending your sanity. You deserve to at least have a place of serenity in your own home. Dealing with the addiction of someone we love so much is hard enough...having no distance at all from them is unbearable at times. I know...I just went through about 3 years of my AD actively using while living in my home.
Kudos to you on the "friend" (if we can really call him that). You don't need his phone calls. Some friends help by keeping you informed when the addict won't, but it sounds like this one's not trying to do that. It seems like he's trying to take control of her addiction.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you can find the strength to "Let Go and Let God" (I struggle with that so much...it's hard for me). And I hope you can find some peace through this storm.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
We do it till we can't do it anymore. Then we hit OUR rock bottom. Only then do we finally admit we are powerless over the drug (and the addict) and to turn it over to our HP, and turn our addicts over to theirs. I had so many lessons to learn and it took me a long time too, with my son. Coming to SR woke me up. I followed the more experienced parents' words here like a Codie Bible. They have been pretty much right-on every time. Hugs to you, Momma. Take care of YOU tonight. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by peaceteach 
We do it till we can't do it anymore. Then we hit OUR rock bottom. Only then do we finally admit we are powerless over the drug (and the addict) and to turn it over to our HP, and turn our addicts over to theirs.
Lots and lots of fellow mama hugs to you this evening.
:ghug2 :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I am sorry that you had to go through that. I always tried to remind myself that the person standing in front of me spewing her hatred was not my daughter. It was the disease talking. Sometimes it worked but often I still deeply felt the hurt. Sending hugs, Marle
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry it went badly, but I think she would have left anyway and just used you as her excuse.
As CatsPajama's often says, being the mom of an addict isn't for weenies. It's a long road we walk, but we walk it together here and hold each other up when it gets too hard.
Big Hugs for you and lots of prayers for your daughter.
As CatsPajama's often says, being the mom of an addict isn't for weenies. It's a long road we walk, but we walk it together here and hold each other up when it gets too hard.
Big Hugs for you and lots of prayers for your daughter.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Urmy.....Yep, she's not ready yet...........d*amn I am though. 
Leelee...I blamed myself for about 10 minutes, the I got over that nonsense.
peachteach....I thought I had reached my bottom, but I guess it wasn't so.
Freedom....I hope that this particular beating was the one that will make me give up the urge to be dragged for good.
Marle....Some days it's really hard for me to remember that addiction is a disease. Really, really hard.
JMFburns...yep, my hula hoop is where I need to stay.
Ann...You are absolutely right. Given the chance she will blame me for her leaving. I however know better. It's wirtten in the 3 c's
Jay...
right back at ya
Thanks everyone,
Chris
Leelee...I blamed myself for about 10 minutes, the I got over that nonsense.
peachteach....I thought I had reached my bottom, but I guess it wasn't so.
Freedom....I hope that this particular beating was the one that will make me give up the urge to be dragged for good.
Marle....Some days it's really hard for me to remember that addiction is a disease. Really, really hard.
JMFburns...yep, my hula hoop is where I need to stay.
Ann...You are absolutely right. Given the chance she will blame me for her leaving. I however know better. It's wirtten in the 3 c's
Jay...
right back at yaThanks everyone,
Chris
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