|
Should I try to get out? My fiancé and I got engaged on Dec.31.2009, he was on methadone program for about a year. Before the methadone he was on heroin. We planned our wedding and the date was in October, we decided to stop the methadone , go to detox and start a new life. He went to a local detox, he stayed there for 5 days , got home he was still feeling sick for about a week and than he started feeling better. Than last week he started locking up in the bathroom and telling me that his stomach hurts, and his eyes started to look different.... he had few marks on his legs but he said it was ingrown hair. So I asked him to give me a drug test.... He started screaming and got all upset and left... In a about 6 hours he said that he's coming home and he will do it. well i went to the store... but a test and it was positive for opiotes... He was going insane, he said that's impossible , it cant be true... If he knew he wouldn't pass it than he wouldn't do one at all. So the next day i packed my stuff and i left. He said that I'm making a mistake. We were together for 2,5 years. And he did get better but i guess he's back where he started. Our wedding is 1 month away....... I'm so confused... I love him, but I cant help him..... I really did try... |
OH geez Dream Angel... (((Hugs))).... you are so strong. I've been there...... done that. Proud of you for walking away.... knowing the difference and looking after you! |
your doing the right thing. even if you dont get married in a month it doesnt mean you cant get married down the road when he makes full recovery... dont take that big of a risk by marrying him right now.. would you honestly be happy to be in a life like this right now?.. i am so sorry for your pain, you will be stronger for leaving in the end. |
The things that are running through my mind right now : am I doing the right thing? What do I tell my friends? my family? what do I do with the honeymoon tickets? I really cant believe that he is back to where he started 2,5 years ago.... And the sad part is that he's denying all of it. But i guess that's what drug addicts do :c021: I gave him a last chance 4 month ago, when he got drunk and the next day he woke up with marks... He did confront us (his mother and me) and i agreed to trust him for a last time.... I want to give him another chance but i understand that it wont lead anywhere..... |
i am 24 and was far from being engaged or married to my ex but i once paid for tickets to cuba for us and literally days before i found out he had cheated lied ect... i made the mistake of falling for the lies believeing he loved me and would change.. took him on the trip and the wknd we got home BAM he dumped me cuz he just wanted to "drink with his friends"... i know this is a totally different situation but THINK about if you go through with all this and in a week.. a month.. ect you DIVORCE??? then what? how much WORSE would that be? taking time to make sure something is the right decision for you and your fiance is going to be for the best in the long run i promise... :) |
This sticky post helped me so much when I first found this forum. What your BF is doing is as you say... what addicts do. Keep reading and posting... learn all you can about addiction so you know what your dealing with. Addiction is progressive. If they don't find recovery, the behavior only gets worse. I know how hard it is to walk away, you are doing what's best for you! Stay strong. This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.-Ann What Addicts Do My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you. My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you. My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action. And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again. Stop being surprised. I am an addict. And that's what addicts do. __________________ Have A Great 24 -jon |
"The things that are running through my mind right now : am I doing the right thing? What do I tell my friends? my family? what do I do with the honeymoon tickets? The right thing - yes. To save both of yourselves. Only you know the right thing, because it is your life. No one else can fully tell you what is right or wrong for you - but I will say that with your knowledge and experience that you know you are doing the right thing - unfortunately you are just so beat down in co-dependence and you are having trouble trusting yourself. Trust yourself... you know all that you have experienced. Stay true to yourself. You tell your friends/family that it turns out your fiance' has a very big problem - in fact - you are really glad that you are catching this before you become an ex-wife or even a widow. You let them know that you have turned over every stone and that there is nothing you can do to stop him from hurting himself - and in the meantime - you aren't going to play any role in it - you have done your homework and the best thing for you both - is to "let him fall" and to let go. Honeymoon tickets....... do you have a best friend you can take? I really cant believe that he is back to where he started 2,5 years ago.... And the sad part is that he's denying all of it. But i guess that's what drug addicts do :c021: Yeah... that is what addicts do. It made me sick with my *x* would deny it. I think about just how much denial he is in. There were times I wanted to video tape his denying of being high or even coming down - and then have it to show him one day just how convincing he was himself - yet so unconvincing to myself and others. It is SO sad. :( I gave him a last chance 4 month ago, when he got drunk and the next day he woke up with marks... He did confront us (his mother and me) and i agreed to trust him for a last time.... I want to give him another chance but i understand that it wont lead anywhere....." You can always get married ........ later. Before you give him a second chance..... think to yourself why you are allowing this or even wanting this... is it worth it? Is your love worth it? What is it that is keeping you? Then.... when did it become okay for him to lie straight to your face? And that you end up second guessing yourself because of HIS lies? Right now you might be running on adrenalin ..... so be careful about what you say or do...... because you want your actions to match your words. What you say and do ..... to line up. Don't allow his disease to over-run you.... get yourself centered... and think about yourself..... cause he isn't. He has a disease.... and one that can and will hurt you just as much as it does him. I love the person and I absolutely loathe disease of addiction. I will not ever allow it to rob me of my life again. Welcome to SR, btw. I'm sorry it's under these circumstances. |
Marriage changes NOTHING. Please don't go into it thinking that things will get better or that he will change. He will only change if and when he is ready. Please, please, please don't go through with a wedding....it will turn out to be an extremely expensive mistake if your fiance is still actively using. You don't want to be legally or financially tied to an active addict. Do you want to be dealing with this in two, five, ten, thirty years from now? Do you want to potentially bring innocent children into a situation like this? If your family and friends know what's going on with him, they will (or should) encourage you to not go through with it. Consider any deposits that you have made on the wedding arrangements payment towards your future inner peace. The money that you've spent for this now pales in comparison to the heartache that you will most definitely live through if you decide to marry this guy. Good luck and stay strong. |
INHO... Yes. |
I think you should really evaluate getting married to him right now. LOVE will not change the addict.. only professional help will. If he's not in that place, then why should you sacrifice yourself at this point in your life? I agree with other posters. See what he does with his addiction. It only takes weeks for you to see the direction he will take. Either he will choose recovery (which will take months, even years to get right) which will call off the wedding anyway and/or he will continue to use (which is definitely no cause for a wedding). Much hugs to you at this time. I know it's rough but it sounds like no wedding either way you look at the situation. |
Yes, get out. Sorry, but you will be have a much better future without that baggage. |
There are a couple of books that were real eye openers for me, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. I would encourage you to grab those if you have the opportunity. I thought that marriage would make things better with my EXAH. I married him straight out of the penitentiary (his third stay there-on a parole violation that time). It didn't, and things got so bad that I was a shell of my former self. I would also encourage you to attend Naranon or Alanon, even if you decide things are over for the two of you. I didn't do a lot of recommended things for my codependency early in my recovery from drugs/alcohol, and I spent 13 more long years making poor choices in men. |
against all sane advice, i did go ahead and marry my addict and except for our 2 kids together, it has taken me 21 yrs to figure out that marrying was one of the biggest mistakes i've ever made. for me, marriage, rehab or being there for him did nothing but nearly drove me insane. relapse and rehab is part of a cycle for my ah. i've been seperated awhile now and as far as i know, nothing has changed for him maybe other than new enablers. someone told me long ago to listen to that still small voice of the heart. god speaks to the heart and the devil speaks to the head. maybe once you think deeply about what your gut is saying, you maybe able to answer your own question. still the choice is yours. imo, recovery has to become a life style. |
my advice.......RUN don't walk, don't skip, don't look back, don't second guess.....just RUN! I know of what I speak. my ex dil went ahead and married my son. She knew beforehand. Everything was and still is a disaster. We are continuing to sift through the wreckage. There is no "up side" is a situation as yours. Take care of yourself and get far, far, away. If not physically them emotionally. dixied (sorry to be blunt but I have lived the nightmare in a front row seat.) |
When I married my AH, I thought love and our marriage vows would "fix" him. I also was not very educated about addiction and didn't fully know what I was getting myself into. Since we married almost three years ago, he has been to impatient rehab twice and today, he is right back at it again. You obviously are an adult and you make your own decisions but my advice is to NOT get married right now and to learn as much as you can about the disease of addiction. It doesn't mean you have to completely be done with him if you are not ready for that yet, but I would hold off on making it official at this time. YOU deserve more and right now he can't give you that. Good luck to you. |
Thank you guys for your support! :tyou The problem that I'm having is understanding WHY would he be on methadone for a 1,5 and than go to detox by his choice and go through all this hell why would he mess up? His mother is a doctor and she was bringing him pills to ease his pain like muscle relaxers and pills from restless legs(non addicting). It just doesn't get through my head why would you ruin it all? Yes it was hard but thats not a reason to relapse....... I haven't talked to him in 2 days, he texts me that he loves me every day.... I know that if I'm going to reply it would be harder for me to forget about him. I haven't told any of the guests yet about the wedding cancellation.. And its really hard when they are asking you about the wedding and a bridal shower and everything else...... |
Abundance, think to yourself why you are allowing this or even wanting this... is it worth it? Is your love worth it? What is it that is keeping you? Even now he has a court tomorrow and I'm sure that he will forget about it, I was only the one keeping track of his bills, of his appointments... Should I remind him? Or do i let him fall? |
i can't say why he messed up but i can share my esp. i'm a recovering addict and it took me 5 or 6 rehab stays before i got sober then i had to follow set plan in order to stay sober. once sober 9yrs then relapse, 5 yrs then relapse and about 7yrs clean. its been a fight and still is, to stay clean. its a very hard habit to kick. today i have to be conscience of the people, places and things that i involve myself with. a drug is a drug and usually can eventually lead an addict back to there drug of choice. |
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:43 AM. |