cherrie1

Believe me I NEVER thought I would feel this way but I am at peace with my son being in jail. I know he is safe and off the streets and no longer using. I have been using this time to get stronger because out of love I am sure I have enabled him. But I wanted so bad to believe the lies (and you never know this could be the time he is telling the truth). I do believe they can recover. He did it for a year and it was wonderful, I finally got my son back. I pray that he will do it again. He really wants to, he is not fighting it. In fact as far as we know the jail is going to send him to a year long rehab program. If he stayed in jail he would get out in Dec. but he is going for the treatment. I think it is true we all have our bottoms and just because I thought he was at his apparently he had further to go. Your fiancé's mother is right, he is her son and it is good he will have her emotional support but if it becomes too much for you, you can walk away. There is no reason for two lives to be ruined. You will help your fiance decide to get help if he wants it if he see you are serious and not going along with the wedding on his promises. Tell him you can get married when and if his actions prove he is sober, not his words.

cessy68

Hi sweetie, and welcome to SR, a site that has helped me immensly. Just so you know, I believe that most of us here don't have what we envision as a 'typical addict'. We have a delusion that addicts are 'noticable' and that they aren't 'awesome people'. They are, normal, and some are very high functioning. This can be confusing at times, because it allows us to justify that things can get 'better'..... since 'everyone' else sees them as normal.

Bottom line is it isn't 'normal'. It isn't healthy for YOU. It is a painful disease that leaves everyone in its path devistated. Do I believe everyones situation is 'different' here... yes. BUT do I believe that generally speaking- it all is the same? -- yes.

The reason our addicts 'seem normal', is because they haven't hit a 'bottom' yet.

I had someone tell me something the other day-- and it hit me like lightening. (truely). I said during a conversation, "being in love is difficult".... and the person responded to me by saying... "being in love is only difficult when you know you are setteling".......

Think about that for a moment. When things are 'right', 'healthy', 'positive' full of good energy, they flow naturally.... its just 'easy'.

When things are difficult, filled with tears, fear, resentment, anger, sadness, etc.... it's a severe message that we are being given. If we resist the message, we are only welcoming MORE pain, heartache, and negativity into our lives. Do you want your future based in this??? If the start is rough-- (entering marriage)... believe you me... the end will be disasterous.

Hugs during your painful time.... (from a girl who knows, and is exiting her relationship with an opiate addict that 'looks normal' and functions well in front of everyone else.)

Love,
Cess

littlebird77

Could you postpone the wedding due to undisclosed health reasons? Maybe postponing it would be easier until you can make a decision.

littlebird77

Never got that excuse... hehe

URMYEVERYTHING

So, he hasn't experienced actually living on his own yet? Before marrying him, see what he does with his recovery and see what he does with responsibility after that. It would mean a lot to you to marry a man who can hold his own. I often told my BF that he would need to get his own place before we can consider being a couple. I slipped and let him stay with me for 1 month and then he relapsed. Well, taught me a lesson real quick. He will not return here and he must prove and show he is functional on his own.

rose

DreamAngle,

I am so sorry to read your post. What a mess and upset addiction causes in peoples lives.

From reading your post and your responses, you just jump out at me as a very strong and rational person. The position you are in right now must be so overwhelming for you, but the realist in you seems to be a very strong point in your personality. Many would just block it out and carry on with the plans. Thinking that they will deal with it, or it is to late to change the plans...ect. I just find it so remarkable that you are putting your doubts first.

Gosh, so many of us worry so much on what others are going to say or think, this is a terrible instablity that I have, when really it is not any one elses business. Some may say nothing, but others can't get enough information. There is just no getting around it. I myself was married for 17 years and my husband in our 17 year of marriage got addicted to crack cocaine. It has been almost 7 years now since this took place and we are now divorced. Just 3 weeks ago I was at a friends Celebration of Life, with all the might I had in me I got up and gave a speech with my two sons standing next to me. After I finished, this couple that I have not seen probalby in 7 years came right up to me, straight to the point he was, probing into what my ex-husband was up to these days. I was so shocked that one would have the nerve to even consider bring up such a topic, I was taken back. But I came back good, I said " I don't know! That was 7 years ago! That is the last thing on my mind today, I am here today to join in on the Celebration of Life!" His wife was embarassed with him and they left.

I just don't think that there is anyway of getting away from peoples Inquiry Minds, whether it happend, today or 10 years go. I think it goes without saying...who cares what people say or think, you have so much more intelligance than these with such small minds.

I just know that you are not going to make anything final until it is right in your mind.

Rose

DreamAngel

This week has been the longest week... I call about that drug test results every single day.. Even thou i know they will have exact results only in 7 days.

His father called me last night looking for him. He asked me if i know where he is and if he called me.... I said no, i haven't heard from him in 2 days.

DreamAngel

He moved out of his parents when he was 18 and moved in with his GF, few years later they got married and in 2005 they separated.

Yes he always had somebody to take care of him. Even now.... His family would always be there driving him around and trying to help him out.

Today is his appointment with an addiction specialist. His mom supposed to take him... Not sure if he will go or not.

DreamAngel

Thank you!!! I'm really trying. Trying not to look back... Thinking to my self that it is not an option to marry him. BUT still hoping that the drug test found was positive to something else.. Not heroin. And the moment i know what it was i will have my peace.
I will have hate for him to doing this to me 3 weeks before the wedding....

DreamAngel

Littlebird77,
Omg you don't even know what kind of excuses I've heard... That he was fixing a car and he was holding transsmission.... Or that's OLD marks, or that its just a pimple.
Gosh I don't know how they come up with all these excuses.

kj3880

Why does it matter if it was heroin? Is the way he is acting somehow made more acceptable if he is on some other type of drug? Oxy habits are just as debilitating and even more expensive than heroin. It doesn't matter what drugs he is taking. You know. You know without any results that he is an actively using addict. You can relax. You can have your peace without the results. You have made the right decision, the only sane option for you is not to get married. You already know. Don't bury your head in the sand and pretend to yourself that you do not know. This would be doing yourself a great disservice.

Love,
KJ

DreamAngel

I know its dumb to think so, but he was on methadone program for so long that I'm hoping it reacted to it.... It's just in my head. The thought that needs to disappear.

I'm sure that everybody that are on this site- they all knew the truth, but did not want to believe in it!

Learn2Live

Hi DreamAngel, I'm not sure if you've ever read this before, but I thought you might gain as much from reading it as I have over the years.

AFTER A WHILE

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today.
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain,
for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
that you really are strong,
and that you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn.
With every goodbye, you learn.

- Veronica A. Shoffstall

DreamAngel

His mom just called me and said if i know what happened?
My heart just started beating so fast!!!!
She said he went to court and they took him to jail for 30 days. He can be out on work release....
The court was for missing his probation appointment and his counselor would not reschedule , she said she will take him to court.

hello-kitty

I just realized you and I live in the same town Dream Angel.

So is he in jail or out? I'd encourage his mother to leave him there if he is. I'd encourage you to take a few more steps back from him. Try to get the big picture.

If you chose to stay with this guy, well... welcome to the rest of your life. Welcome to the nightmare of being in a relationship with an addict.

Seattle has some AWESOME Al-anon meetings. They are all over the city and they are at different times. Have you considered checking one out? That will prepare you for what's coming next.

In the mean time, I hope you can focus on yourself and start healing from all the drama this guy has been putting you thru. Sometimes we don't even realize how traumatized we are from a relationship until we get a little distance between us and them.

Stay strong sweetie. Learn from this. A bright future lays ahead of you if you dare.

DreamAngel

hello-kitty,
Oh wow we are from the same town, that's awesome!
Yes I was thinking to go to Al-anon meeting. Which one did you go to?

Yes he just got booked in jail yesterday for 30days. His dad is trying to set up a work release but his mom is againt it.
I feel much better that he is in jail, it is safer and im sure better for him right now. He'll have plenty of time to think about his life and about what he did.

littlebird77

Yeah, sometimes I have to laugh at the excuses or I will go insane. I got the, "These are old scars", "I was bit by a bug", "Its a pimple"...and the I haven't slept for days, I'm really tired.

lightseeker

Dream Angel -

My husband was a hard core crack addict - he had a 20 year run of doing it multiple times a week. He used needles and the pipe. He also did every other drug known to man. He went through numerous in patient rehabs and generally used within the week after he got out. I think that he went to about 5 inpt. places for 3 months each. He also did numerous out patient programs. Like I said, he never stayed sober. He would believe that he only had a problem with the harder drugs and that he could still drink or even smoke pot from time to time. This always led him back to the crack.

When he got sober 4+ years ago he stopped everything. He has been completely free of substances/alcohol since that time without any relapses. He truly experienced a psychic change regarding the drug use. No one ever expected him to get sober - let alone stay that way for 4 years. He is 51 though.....the years to get here were terribly brutal for anyone that cared about him. Even then, his sobriety has been really rough to go through with him. That statement "alcohol is but a symptom of the true disease - it's a disease of the spirit" could not be more true.

I don't know if my experience will carry any weight with you but I sure would recommend seeing if he is willing to get sober and stay sober on his own. You can't get sober for someone else - you can only do it for yourself.

Remember, as difficult as it is to watch a train wreck - it's a whole lot worse to be in one.

Thinking about you.

URMYEVERYTHING

So, it didn't take a matter of weeks to see how this will unfold. It took days. Now he has 30 days in jail. I hope his parents have the strength to leave him there. :camper:

rose

Dream Angel,

It is amazing isn't it that a power from up above took control and solved the matter of a wedding in 3 weeks! You must feel like a ton of weight has been lifted off of you, it is out of your hands now. The chips fell where they were ment to be.

I agree, he is in the best place right now for him, but more important you have some breathing room. I know it can be hard and upsetting that your partner is where he is, I was beside myself the FIRST TIME my husband was locked up, but it didn't take long for me to realize how calm things were...no chaos or worries about where he was and what he was up to or what was going to happen. I went from upset that he was jail to upset that he was getting out.

I so hope that you take this time and really take a good look at what life would be like if you had tied the knott. Getting married should be one of the most happiest times of your life, full of excitement about your future together, not full of doubts.

Life has to much to offer, there is no need to have to settle for anything less.

Rose