Should I try to get out?
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Originally Posted by DreamAngel 
Teke:
... A trust issue ! I will always check for new marks, always think what he is doing in the bathroom, always look at his eyes... Its not a life...
... A trust issue ! I will always check for new marks, always think what he is doing in the bathroom, always look at his eyes... Its not a life...
progresses... he eventually may lose his job, or start taking money meant for bills to buy the drugs. Lots of people here on this forum (including me) have slept with their wallets to keep their addicted loved one from taking their keys & money. It's not our loved ones are bad people... but the addict inside does what it takes to feed the addiction.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, but glad you found support here!
Keep reading and posting!
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[QUOTE] he eventually may lose his job, or start taking money meant for bills to buy the drugs. Lots of people here on this forum (including me) have slept with their wallets to keep their addicted loved one from taking their keys & money.[/QUOTE]
That's what was happening 2 years ago... He stole my credit cards, he would buy stuff with them and than returning it and getting cash back. He even bought me a perfume once on MY credit card. He swore that he did not took my cards. I had to go to the store and see if on that day this perfume was purchased from my card!
It was as bad as i found find syringes in a pillow case at night....
But than he got on that methadone and he started acted like a normal person. We both hated it... The clinic, the people and the addiction to it..
That's what was happening 2 years ago... He stole my credit cards, he would buy stuff with them and than returning it and getting cash back. He even bought me a perfume once on MY credit card. He swore that he did not took my cards. I had to go to the store and see if on that day this perfume was purchased from my card!
It was as bad as i found find syringes in a pillow case at night....
But than he got on that methadone and he started acted like a normal person. We both hated it... The clinic, the people and the addiction to it..
grateful rca
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my drug of choice was crack/cocaine but from my understanding, no matter what the drug of choice, it may lead to same end. sooner or later, jail, institutions or death. even though i've been clean awhile, i still can't promise i won't ever relapse, only thing i can say is that i know what i have to do to stay clean and it is up to me to try to stay focused enough that i will be able to possibly recognize when i see myself heading in that direction.
what would you tell your friend or family if they were in your shoes today?
in the past, i've done and said everything i can think of to try to hang in there with my ah but 23yrs later, he's still using, i guess.we're not together now and its been an off and on marriage from the start. honestly, if i knew what i know now, i would have hoped somebody would held me hostage or something until he was long gone out of my life especially since at that time before marriage i couldn't get why i should have at least waited to marry until he was more solid in his recovery.
i know you hate to tell your family and friend about your plans but don't you think they would want the best for you? maybe you could just postpone it for awhile, giving yourself more time to think about whether or not you are willing to live this kind of life.
what would you tell your friend or family if they were in your shoes today?
in the past, i've done and said everything i can think of to try to hang in there with my ah but 23yrs later, he's still using, i guess.we're not together now and its been an off and on marriage from the start. honestly, if i knew what i know now, i would have hoped somebody would held me hostage or something until he was long gone out of my life especially since at that time before marriage i couldn't get why i should have at least waited to marry until he was more solid in his recovery.
i know you hate to tell your family and friend about your plans but don't you think they would want the best for you? maybe you could just postpone it for awhile, giving yourself more time to think about whether or not you are willing to live this kind of life.
Last edited by teke; 09-01-2009 at 10:00 AM.
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Dreamangel, you know, none of this is what "normal" love is like. None of our normal friends understand how far down our addicted loved one will go to feed their addiction. How much we, the family, hurt in the process. Are you willing to live this kind of life indefinitely? No matter how hard we try, nothing WE do can get them clean. He has to make that decision and work as hard keeping clean as he did feeding the addiction.
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When he did that drug test that he tested positive on opiates I decided to mail it in for results to a professional clinic. It's included in the price of the test. It takes 7-10 days for them to let me know what exactly they found.
I'm 100% sure that he did mess up but I need to know that and I think only than I can let everybody else about the wedding.....
Or maybe I should tell everyone right now?
I'm reading through this website and it helps me a lot to understand that i am not alone. And people do survive this and that the best thing to do is RUN!
Thank you !
I'm 100% sure that he did mess up but I need to know that and I think only than I can let everybody else about the wedding.....
Or maybe I should tell everyone right now?
I'm reading through this website and it helps me a lot to understand that i am not alone. And people do survive this and that the best thing to do is RUN!
Thank you !
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Originally Posted by DreamAngel
Abundance,
What was keeping me? I guess a hope that he will change , I saw how he tried and how much he hated "H" . I was thinking that if I ever leave he won't be taken care of him self as much as he did when he was with me... And his life was better.
Even now he has a court tomorrow and I'm sure that he will forget about it, I was only the one keeping track of his bills, of his appointments...
Should I remind him? Or do i let him fall?
What was keeping me? I guess a hope that he will change , I saw how he tried and how much he hated "H" . I was thinking that if I ever leave he won't be taken care of him self as much as he did when he was with me... And his life was better.
Even now he has a court tomorrow and I'm sure that he will forget about it, I was only the one keeping track of his bills, of his appointments...
Should I remind him? Or do i let him fall?
If you leave, he won't be taken of??? Yes, he will. If he remains to stay in active addiction, he will be resourceful and take care of his basic needs. Is it what you want for him? No, but it's what he is choosing for himself at the time. If he chooses recovery and still isn't taken care of by you, will he be okay? Yes, he will. See, the goal is he will be taken care of in active addiction and/or recovery but left to his own devices and without any extra stress on you. The goal is to take care of yourself, not him.
He has court tomorrow..... Do you need to show for any reason? If not, let him fall. The police will jot his memory when they serve the warrant and pick him up. He will remember when he's sitting in jail detoxing. It may save his life later on if you don't make that call to remind him.
The main reason why he doesn't follow through on his responsibilities is....because he doesn't give a "f". His mission is to get high right now.
To thine own self be true.
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Dear DreamAngel,
I read your posts and cringe. I close my eyes and I am saying to myself, "Dear Lord, Please don't let her go through with marrying this person." If you marry this guy you are building your future on quicksand. If you have children with this guy you are planning a life of misery, neglect, drama, abuse, etc for your babies. Think: You HAVE TO protect your unborn children from this.
Please just tell everyone now. Tell YOUR friends why (but don't go trying to turn his own friends and family against him). Don't drag him through the mud, just calmly explain why you have decided this. They will support you in your decision better than we can support you on the internet.
You know why he failed that test. It doesn't matter why he would get off the methadone now and try to rehab himself. He is a heroin addict, honey. That is so very bad. Returning from that is SO hard. There is so much more to life than standing by an addict. If you haven't married him yet, please don't.
I will be thinking about you the rest of this afternoon, praying you don't go through with it. Turn yourself around, keep focused on your future. You KNOW what you're seeing, don't second guess yourself. You can't help him. I'm sorry. But you can help yourself.
I read your posts and cringe. I close my eyes and I am saying to myself, "Dear Lord, Please don't let her go through with marrying this person." If you marry this guy you are building your future on quicksand. If you have children with this guy you are planning a life of misery, neglect, drama, abuse, etc for your babies. Think: You HAVE TO protect your unborn children from this.
Please just tell everyone now. Tell YOUR friends why (but don't go trying to turn his own friends and family against him). Don't drag him through the mud, just calmly explain why you have decided this. They will support you in your decision better than we can support you on the internet.
You know why he failed that test. It doesn't matter why he would get off the methadone now and try to rehab himself. He is a heroin addict, honey. That is so very bad. Returning from that is SO hard. There is so much more to life than standing by an addict. If you haven't married him yet, please don't.
I will be thinking about you the rest of this afternoon, praying you don't go through with it. Turn yourself around, keep focused on your future. You KNOW what you're seeing, don't second guess yourself. You can't help him. I'm sorry. But you can help yourself.
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He has court tomorrow..... Do you need to show for any reason? If not, let him fall. The police will jot his memory when they serve the warrant and pick him up. He will remember when he's sitting in jail detoxing. It may save his life later on if you don't make that call to remind him.
Please just tell everyone now. Tell YOUR friends why (but don't go trying to turn his own friends and family against him). Don't drag him through the mud, just calmly explain why you have decided this. They will support you in your decision better than we can support you on the internet.
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DreamAngel,
I think you are getting there. I have faith in you making the right decision. If anything, you feel you can't walk away from him right at this moment, delaying the wedding is not the end of the world. Your friends will be okay. You will be okay if the wedding doesn't happen at the moment you meant it too happen. I know it hurts... and it sucks and your dreams are put on hold but believe me your dream can quickly turn into a nightmare in a matter of weeks, not months after getting married.
I think you are getting there. I have faith in you making the right decision. If anything, you feel you can't walk away from him right at this moment, delaying the wedding is not the end of the world. Your friends will be okay. You will be okay if the wedding doesn't happen at the moment you meant it too happen. I know it hurts... and it sucks and your dreams are put on hold but believe me your dream can quickly turn into a nightmare in a matter of weeks, not months after getting married.
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Originally Posted by DreamAngel
He missed his probation appointment and they scheduled a court date... Yes he is a mess.... No license, Credit is REALLY BAD, no veins Collections etc...
All of his current and future problems become your problems, once married.
I don't know you but I do know that you deserve better than this.
Why not tell people the truth and be done with it.
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Why not tell people the truth and be done with it.
It's been 3 days since i saw him last time. I had to text him today because i left some of my important documents at his house and I need to see if he has them.
I don't want to see him because it would hurt me even more and I will believe in the illusion that he is clean and that he loves me and I'm making a mistake....
After work I'm going to see our pastor that was supposed to marry us. She didn't know about his addictions and she was really surprised to hear it from me last night when she called.
I guess I am putting an end to all this.
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wow girl. Welcome to this sight. I'm SO GLAD you are putting the wedding off. Trust your gut. Now is not a good time for that guy to get married. He's got a lot of issues on his plate he needs to work out.
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I have a question.... has he ever lived on his own or was it a situation in which he moved in with you?
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if we think about it...we don't give anyone reasons why we are GETTING married...........why should we have to give any when we decide NOT to get married?
You are so right, but people are so curious, just to gossip... Thats really sad.
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Awww Dream Angel. I am sorry that you are in the midst of all of this. It's difficult to see reality when the dream is so important and seems to close at hand. Only, it sounds like it is really not. A marriage with someone struggling this much with addiction would be a nightmare.
Oh how I wish that I had taken everyone's advice and waited ....and that was when my husband was 1 year and 5 months sober! In hindsight, I would want some clear cut recovery (a couple of years) before enterring a legal arrangement with someone. I did have doubts and I wish that I had listened to them. Marriage is difficult enough as it is so going into it with doubts is a recipe for disaster. As they say "if in doubt, don't".
It's hard not to be overwhelmed by what we wish were so and what others want us to believe. Trust your gut and you will never go wrong.
I agree with the others that say you can always get married later. Maybe just telling yourself it is a postponement for now will let you get through the hard part.
So many slogans are running through my head - short term pain for long term gain, don't make major changes in your life during the first year of recovery, etc. He hasn't strung together much clean time yet. Maybe someday he will. You don't even know who he really is because he keeps altering his consciousness. The brain takes a long time to calm down from addiction. Why marry someone that you really aren't sure who they are?
You will always be looking for tracks until there is a long period of not seeing them. I rarely worry about my husband using - but even 4 years later the worry does surface if he is not back when he says he will be back. When he was newly sober it was really really hard for me the first year....and then even afterwards.
Only you can decide what to do. Try not to be afraid to share your story with those that are close to you. They won't try and destroy him with their knowledge. The only thing that it will do will increase your base of support and allow you to create a community of accountability. No one anywhere wants you to marry a person struggling with addiction. He definitely sounds like he is having suspecious behaviors and the drug test was positive. Try not to doubt yourself. Normal people don't lock themselves up in the bathroom.
I'm glad that you are speaking with the pastor. Hopefully, she will have the guidance that will help you as you struggle through this.
Thoughts of peace are going out to you.
Oh how I wish that I had taken everyone's advice and waited ....and that was when my husband was 1 year and 5 months sober! In hindsight, I would want some clear cut recovery (a couple of years) before enterring a legal arrangement with someone. I did have doubts and I wish that I had listened to them. Marriage is difficult enough as it is so going into it with doubts is a recipe for disaster. As they say "if in doubt, don't".
It's hard not to be overwhelmed by what we wish were so and what others want us to believe. Trust your gut and you will never go wrong.
I agree with the others that say you can always get married later. Maybe just telling yourself it is a postponement for now will let you get through the hard part.
So many slogans are running through my head - short term pain for long term gain, don't make major changes in your life during the first year of recovery, etc. He hasn't strung together much clean time yet. Maybe someday he will. You don't even know who he really is because he keeps altering his consciousness. The brain takes a long time to calm down from addiction. Why marry someone that you really aren't sure who they are?
You will always be looking for tracks until there is a long period of not seeing them. I rarely worry about my husband using - but even 4 years later the worry does surface if he is not back when he says he will be back. When he was newly sober it was really really hard for me the first year....and then even afterwards.
Only you can decide what to do. Try not to be afraid to share your story with those that are close to you. They won't try and destroy him with their knowledge. The only thing that it will do will increase your base of support and allow you to create a community of accountability. No one anywhere wants you to marry a person struggling with addiction. He definitely sounds like he is having suspecious behaviors and the drug test was positive. Try not to doubt yourself. Normal people don't lock themselves up in the bathroom.
I'm glad that you are speaking with the pastor. Hopefully, she will have the guidance that will help you as you struggle through this.
Thoughts of peace are going out to you.
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Thank you lightseeker,
I am really trying not to look back and trying really hard from asking my self all the questions that i really don't have answers for. The only thing i wish for is for him to tell me in the eyes that he messed up.
Since your husband stooped using has he ever relapsed? And what was his drug of choice? Trust issue....... Its hard to go over it.
I am really trying not to look back and trying really hard from asking my self all the questions that i really don't have answers for. The only thing i wish for is for him to tell me in the eyes that he messed up.
I rarely worry about my husband using - but even 4 years later the worry does surface if he is not back when he says he will be back. When he was newly sober it was really really hard for me the first year....and then even afterwords.
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Honeymoon tickets....... do you have a best friend you can take?
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DreamAngel,
I as so sorry this is happening to you but it is better to go through it now. You say you don't know what to do but you really do. You will be in for years of heartache if you go through with this. It doesn't matter why he relapsed, in fact he probably can't even tell you. My son is a heroin addict who went to several rehabs and was clean for a year. He finally had a job he loved, an apartment and was happy for the first time in a long time. For some reason he relapsed and let me tell you with heroin they pick up right where they left off. Things went so bad so fast this time he is now sitting in jail for stealing to support his habit (this is a nice guy who never even got a ticket before). I can not tell you how many times he swore he would never do it again, he just screwed up, he is so sorry. They can not stop themselves. As much as you care for him you can not believe his lies. If it is easier I agree with other people and just postpone the wedding for now. You have nothing to lose by doing that but I am afraid you will get in too deep if you marry him. Since we are not addicts it is hard to understand how if they love you why can't they just stop but that is not the way it works. You can always marry at a later date if he gets himself together. You have nothing to lose by waiting. Just don't allow yourself to be dragged down. Best of luck to you.
I as so sorry this is happening to you but it is better to go through it now. You say you don't know what to do but you really do. You will be in for years of heartache if you go through with this. It doesn't matter why he relapsed, in fact he probably can't even tell you. My son is a heroin addict who went to several rehabs and was clean for a year. He finally had a job he loved, an apartment and was happy for the first time in a long time. For some reason he relapsed and let me tell you with heroin they pick up right where they left off. Things went so bad so fast this time he is now sitting in jail for stealing to support his habit (this is a nice guy who never even got a ticket before). I can not tell you how many times he swore he would never do it again, he just screwed up, he is so sorry. They can not stop themselves. As much as you care for him you can not believe his lies. If it is easier I agree with other people and just postpone the wedding for now. You have nothing to lose by doing that but I am afraid you will get in too deep if you marry him. Since we are not addicts it is hard to understand how if they love you why can't they just stop but that is not the way it works. You can always marry at a later date if he gets himself together. You have nothing to lose by waiting. Just don't allow yourself to be dragged down. Best of luck to you.
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CHERRIE1
sometimes I think that if he would be in jail that would be much easier for him to quit it.
I'm sorry that you are going through this too... When me and him started dating I heard that he had a problem before but i believed him that it was his old habit and he was telling me all these terrible stories that when you are going through withdrawls it feels like somebody broke your arm in half and its just hanging there.... And he said i would never go back to heroin.
But 4 month later i found out that he is still using...
I became closer with his mom...
And right now she says: I wont let you guys get married because i don't want you to ruin your life. He is my son and I love him no matter who he is or what he does....
I can only imagine and I pray to god i would never be on her spot or any other mother.
Things went so bad so fast this time he is now sitting in jail for stealing to support his habit
I'm sorry that you are going through this too... When me and him started dating I heard that he had a problem before but i believed him that it was his old habit and he was telling me all these terrible stories that when you are going through withdrawls it feels like somebody broke your arm in half and its just hanging there.... And he said i would never go back to heroin.
But 4 month later i found out that he is still using...
I became closer with his mom...
And right now she says: I wont let you guys get married because i don't want you to ruin your life. He is my son and I love him no matter who he is or what he does....
I can only imagine and I pray to god i would never be on her spot or any other mother.
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