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He's coming home tomorrow

Old 08-30-2009, 08:20 PM
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He's coming home tomorrow

My AH is coming home from detox tomorrow - he went in Friday afternoon. I am so sick to my stomach. We have a family meeting there with his councilor and then he comes home. Any advice on what kind of questions I should be asking at the meeting? Part of me wants him here and the other part of me is so scared that he will pick up where he left off.

Him coming back home is happening way to fast for me. The last time he was gone for 7 months. I just don't know what to do - do I let him come home with me and the kids or do I make him stay with his mother. My kids are so little that they think daddy is away on business.

He is going to be doing IOP -I think for 30 days. Anyone know if they do drug testing in these programs.
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Old 08-31-2009, 02:32 AM
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My thoughts are to do what feels "right" for you and your children and deciding what you can live with and what you cannot and then setting boundaries that work for you.

He will stay clean or use no matter what you decide, we cannot control the outcome for them, but we can decide what is healthy for us and then ensure that our lives are not destroyed by their addiction.

Hugs and prayers for all of you.
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Old 08-31-2009, 07:39 AM
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Detox serves only one purpose......a few days to get the drug out of the body. Its not a cure and depending on the drug he uses the difficult physical aspects may still be present if hes only been in since Friday..........

Yes, outpatient treatments will and do drug test........but again depending on the DOC that may or may not be dependable.........if instance if the DOC is crack and he uses it on Friday but doesnt go to Op till Weds the test most likely will be negative.

You asked if he should come home to you and the kids................thats a question for you to decide but what I can say is I would be prepared to continue to deal with his active addiction because he hasn't found recovery yet....hes only dried out
a few days.............

best of luck to you and your family
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Old 08-31-2009, 09:54 AM
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I am tring to find the strength to make the right decision. I have been through this before but had more time to heal (7months). 4 days for me is just not enough. My heart wants him home with me so bad, but I don't know if this is good for me and the kids or even his recovery. He says being with us helps but it didn't help him from relasping. I am so torn between what my heart tells me and what my head tells me is the right thing.
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Old 08-31-2009, 12:03 PM
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It is completely up to you on what you choose but recovery takes time. A couple days of detox just won't change his mindset. In IOP, they will drug test and with him drinking alcohol, if he releapse, they may suggest rehab. Nonetheless, it would be completely up to him to make the decision to find recovery.

Take care of yourself and your children. Let him figure out the road he needs to take. He's made those decisions in his addiction, he can make them in his recovery. Hope this helps.
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Old 08-31-2009, 12:56 PM
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Nothing is written in stone, if you have him back at home and find yourself to overwhelmed with him there, have a plan b backup.

Just make sure that your taking care of your needs and health!

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Old 08-31-2009, 01:28 PM
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Well 3hrs and counting till I have to face him. I think I want to throwup. Well I have thought about it and of course things could change after I see him tonight but I think I will have him stay here tonight so he can be here for the kids 1st day of school tomorrow but then he has to go to his mothers at least M-F and see the kids on the weekend. I am hoping I don't cave but prepared to tell him if he slips up I will file for divorce. I am scared cause I know the chances of him not relapsing again being on heroin(via needle) and only being in detox for 4 days are very slim. I can only hope he truly wants to help himself.
I know I can not go through this again and I am certainly not getting any younger.
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Old 08-31-2009, 02:28 PM
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This changes my original post due to learning he uses Heroin IV. My BF uses the same. From my experience, they do not get it after detox. Heroin changes everything (physically and mentally). It is truly the DEVIL. His chances for success are for you to stay far away and let him work his OWN recovery without assistance. If his mother takes him in, then bless her for that task but you have children to consider. He will need lots of structure after detox. The cravings of Heroin are overwhelming and more powerful than any love.

I will keep you in my prayers. I know the feeling. I have been there before and I finally had the strength to remove myself from his situation. I feel bad, yes, that he has to live in a filthy rehab/work house. But I'd rather choose that than a coffin. If I give him an inch and tell him it's okay for him to stay with me, I know for certain, I will create more misery for myself.

Best of luck... addicts have a way of manipulating and begging to get their needs met. Be weary and go with your gut.
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Old 08-31-2009, 02:56 PM
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I think you should tell him this is the last chance, but you must be prepared to back it up.
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Old 08-31-2009, 03:05 PM
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I'd like to address this from the viewpoint of a recovering addict, and one who used IV too.

There was no nice home and spouse to come home to when I completed a 30 day inpatient rehab.

I was fortunate in that my counselor offered me a place to stay with her and her husband until I got on my feet. Going back home (2 hours away) was not an option as I was also married to an addict, and he was still using.

I landed a job full-time as a nurse's aid the first week out, and in a month's time, my counselor/her husband found a rental they liked better. We went and talked to their landlord, and he agreed to let me continue to rent the house they were currently in.

I was the single mother of an 8 year old daughter too. It was sink or swim for me, and I wanted recovery more than I wanted active addiction.

I think far too often the addict has it too easy coming out of detox or rehab.

To thine own self be true. Please do what is best for you and those precious children. The only voice they have in this is you.

You deserve to have time to heal, and truly decide what you want in the long run.

:ghug2 :ghug2
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Old 08-31-2009, 03:10 PM
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I would be very careful, my son is a heroin addict. I can tell you detox is not enough to stay clean. I would try for long term treatment if possible. My son is getting ready to start another 1 year program after relapsing. They just can't seem to stay away from it. Best of luck!!!!! I know what you are going through.
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Old 08-31-2009, 07:12 PM
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Can I just say people like us post on this forum because we need SUPPORT. I find it very upsetting after I've posted something about my fiance in rehab..just to come back to find a reply that makes me think negatively. We need to encourage one another, support one another as we know what the other one is feeling. Please help each other to be optimistic..and not pessimistic as it is detrimental to OUR health.

Praying for you.
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Old 09-01-2009, 07:18 AM
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Well he is home - the meeting went fine - just as I expected. Certainly did'nt help me in my decision. My heart took over to see him clean. I have decided to take it one day at a time which is a dificult task for me. He is prepared to leave if I need him to. I did also tell him that I can't go another round of this and he said he can't either. So I can only hope he has enough strength to stay on the right path. Still makes it hard as I sit here at work just wondering what he is doing.

I did express my concerns to the councilor last night about the use of heroin/IV and that I here it is much harder to recover. She disagreed and said it makes no difference what the DOC was - it depends on how bad the person wants the recovery. He starts his IOP tomorrow and she said he will be on suboxone. Anyone know if this helps the cravings? And of course my fear is then he will get addicted to this. I have heard it is possible.
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Old 09-01-2009, 07:25 AM
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breathe, focus more on you and stay prepared to follow your plan b if needed. his recovery belongs to him and yours belong to you. one day at a time, time will tell you what you need to know.
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Old 09-01-2009, 07:32 AM
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Suboxone is an opiate blocker in which the addict cannot become addicted to but believes he is addicted to it. The concerning thing about Suboxone because it is an opiate blocker is that if they use while taking it they increase their chances of overdosing because they will take higher levels of an opiate to feel the high. (I say this because I am a licensed therapist that works with dual diagnosed clients). But still speak with the doctor who is prescribing the Suboxone. He needs to educate himself on the risks of taking Suboxone in the event he relapses.

Second, this is from my experience so please don't take this the wrong way... .but LOCK your stuff up (checkbooks, jewelry, etc). Look for signs of a relapse (behaviors, physical signs, etc.) and remove him from the home immediately if you see these signs. Of course, any DOC is hard to recover from and yes, the addict needs to make the decision to stop and recover but you will hear from heroin addicts the constant struggle between physical and mental obsessions that always get them to relapse.

I had that same feeling of wondering what he was doing while I wasn't home and the reality was.... he was getting high. So, now that he is removed from my home and in a rehab, I don't have that worry and my child doesn't experience that worry. I have learned that in order to have a relationship with him in sobriety, he has to work all of the steps of life on his own (rebuilding his own credit, getting his own apartment, etc, etc). I have set the limit that if we are to remain together, I will not settle with you coming home to me after any detoxes, rehabs, etc. He understands. And, if he continues to relapse, I have to let him go completely.

You are right, it is one day at a time... but each day you need to work to protect yourself and your family from his addiction.

Stay in touch.... Keep us posted. You're in my prayers.
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Old 09-01-2009, 08:05 AM
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Yes...LOCK YOUR STUFF UP!! That is, if you want to keep it. I went through 3 years of my stuff randomly disappearing (I thought I was going crazy) from allowing an I/V user live with me (meth not heroine). They are good at taking things you might not notice, so it takes you a while to realize how they're draining you. But then they get braver once they've gotten away with the small things. The next thing you know you're taking big financial hits

Protect yourself, please. Not to try to make you paranoid, just to make you aware.

Please keep us posted. We care.
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