Nervous, any advice?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 11
Nervous, any advice?
I'm new here, my RABF is currently in rehab (been gone two months, for cocaine) and will be home in a little less than two weeks. We live together and I know the things that I'm supposed to watch for as far as behaviours, that he needs to keep busy, etc. His program was not 12 step, but he will be attending those meetings when he gets out (and I will be going to some for myself), but the counselors in his program are putting a lot of the pressure on me about things that I am supposed to be doing and not doing as if I can make or break his recovery. I am now really nervous about him coming home! I am the only person he has here that is sober, and all of our family is on the otherside of the country, so that might be why I'm feeling so pressured, but I'm not sure.
So my question is: does anyone have any advice for me from previous experiences about a loved one returning from rehab? I would appreciate any help anyone could give me.
Thanks so much.
So my question is: does anyone have any advice for me from previous experiences about a loved one returning from rehab? I would appreciate any help anyone could give me.
Thanks so much.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Love him enough to let him be responsible for himself.
He's an adult.
Continue to live your own life.
And most important of all,
Let go and let G*D.
All are easier said than done, so,
I suggest alanon or naranon meetings
and continuing visits here.
Find those who have what you want,
See what they are doing,
And copy what they do.
Best of luck to you.
Shalom!
He's an adult.
Continue to live your own life.
And most important of all,
Let go and let G*D.
All are easier said than done, so,
I suggest alanon or naranon meetings
and continuing visits here.
Find those who have what you want,
See what they are doing,
And copy what they do.
Best of luck to you.
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Clover7,
I just don't feel that that is right, a counselor suggesting that you can make or break his recovery. You are not responsible for any one elses choices. I can see not having cocaine laying around when he gets home and if that is going to happen. But beyond that, what he does or doesn't do is not up to you. That is why he is in rehab, to learn to make better choices, it is up to him to stick with and use the tools he has been taught to keep himself on the straigh and narrow.
I don't blame you for feeling a nervous wreck for when he gets home.
Rose
I just don't feel that that is right, a counselor suggesting that you can make or break his recovery. You are not responsible for any one elses choices. I can see not having cocaine laying around when he gets home and if that is going to happen. But beyond that, what he does or doesn't do is not up to you. That is why he is in rehab, to learn to make better choices, it is up to him to stick with and use the tools he has been taught to keep himself on the straigh and narrow.
I don't blame you for feeling a nervous wreck for when he gets home.
Rose
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
but the counselors in his program are putting a lot of the pressure on me about things that I am supposed to be doing and not doing as if I can make or break his recovery.
Either way, don't sweat it because it's not true. We are responsible for living our own lives in a healthy way and and they are responsible for living theirs in a healthy way also. Walking on eggshells never did any of us any good nor did it make a whit of difference in any addicts recovery.l
Why not check out a meeting for yourself now, no need to wait for him to begin his.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
Hi Clover,
Just curious what are these counselors telling you to do?
In my experience the best thing you can do for you both is to go to some ALANON or NARANON meetings. Use SR and educate yourself as much as you can about addiction...His recovery is exactly that HIS.....you are not responsible to keep him sober or to manage his recovery he is responsible for that.
My ex was also addicted to cocaine and you will know if he is using again because they tend to go on runs with this drug. So if he starts the disappearing act and comes home with no money and tired you can guess he is probally using again.
Just curious what are these counselors telling you to do?
In my experience the best thing you can do for you both is to go to some ALANON or NARANON meetings. Use SR and educate yourself as much as you can about addiction...His recovery is exactly that HIS.....you are not responsible to keep him sober or to manage his recovery he is responsible for that.
My ex was also addicted to cocaine and you will know if he is using again because they tend to go on runs with this drug. So if he starts the disappearing act and comes home with no money and tired you can guess he is probally using again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 11
Hi Everyone,
Thank you for your responses! It's actually in the literature that they have given me to prepare for him coming home, they stress that I need to keep him busy, not let him live alone, make sure he eats right and sleeps well and keeps his routine up. I agree, his actions are his own, and that is why this is all so scary to me.
I always thought that someones recovery was their own and besides be supportive, there is nothing that you can do otherwise. I appreciate everyone reinforcing this belief for me. I actually feel a lot better hearing that I'm not wrong in thinking that this is weird.
I'm so glad that I found this site!
Thank you for your responses! It's actually in the literature that they have given me to prepare for him coming home, they stress that I need to keep him busy, not let him live alone, make sure he eats right and sleeps well and keeps his routine up. I agree, his actions are his own, and that is why this is all so scary to me.
I always thought that someones recovery was their own and besides be supportive, there is nothing that you can do otherwise. I appreciate everyone reinforcing this belief for me. I actually feel a lot better hearing that I'm not wrong in thinking that this is weird.
I'm so glad that I found this site!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Clover7,
Hmmm, I just have a hardtime with this. You are not here to be his babysitter, just where in this do you have a life. You can't follow him around 24/7, this is something that you would do with a knew born baby.
I agree being supportive, even have fruits and veggies on hand that he himself can get.
Rose
Hmmm, I just have a hardtime with this. You are not here to be his babysitter, just where in this do you have a life. You can't follow him around 24/7, this is something that you would do with a knew born baby.
I agree being supportive, even have fruits and veggies on hand that he himself can get.
Rose
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
in the literature that they have given me to prepare for him coming home, they stress that I need to keep him busy, not let him live alone, make sure he eats right and sleeps well and keeps his routine up.
NOPE NOPE NOPE
His recovery is HIS. That is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to stand back and watch and TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I don't know what 'rehab' he is in, but if they want someone to do all that, then they should recommend he goes to a Sober Living House where there is still some regimentation, and chores, and curfews, etc
What are you doing for you? Al-Anon or Naranon? Some private counseling? etc
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
I agree with Freedom...this rehab is highly suspect. you said it is not a 12 step rehab so I am not sure what type it is but honestly your being told to keep him busy is a bit odd. He needs to keep himself busy going to meetings, talking with his sponsor, going to counseling, working, hobbies, or whatever else he does aside from drugs but your not responsible to follow him around and be the entertainment committee!!! You have a life to live. In my experience, you can sit on top of him 24/7 and if he wants to get high he will and if he doesn't he won't.... it really is that simple...him staying clean or using again is his decision. Nothing you say, do or don't do is going to change that.
Yes, you can be supportive by having healthy foods in the house, maintaining a healthy lifestyle and a drug free environment, going to ALANON or NARANON meetings yourself, but beyond that the rest is up to him.
Yes, you can be supportive by having healthy foods in the house, maintaining a healthy lifestyle and a drug free environment, going to ALANON or NARANON meetings yourself, but beyond that the rest is up to him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Clover7 
[COLOR="royalblue"]
...... they stress that I need to keep him busy, not let him live alone, make sure he eats right and sleeps well and keeps his routine up.
...... they stress that I need to keep him busy, not let him live alone, make sure he eats right and sleeps well and keeps his routine up.
Trust your gut....It's his recovery.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
if i can remember, the first time my ah went to rehab, i was told something similar maybe to the tune of him needing to remain stress free. well, that conversation went in one hear and right out the other.it sounded too much like me walking on egg shells I DON'T THINK SO.
you are only responsible for you so take care of you and in my opinion, if he need healthy foods, why can't he be responsible for that too. his addiction and his recovery both belong to him.
you are only responsible for you so take care of you and in my opinion, if he need healthy foods, why can't he be responsible for that too. his addiction and his recovery both belong to him.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
His literature says this? Maybe pick up some literature of your own at your meeting to remind you that our step one says...We admitted we were powerless over addiction/others and our lives had become unmanageable.
My thoughts are to be yourself, do/say/think whatever feels right for you and let his recovery remain his responsibility.
"We" are not their only option, "we" are not the solution to their recovery/addiction/problems, "we" cannot change, control or cure anyone but "we" can take very good care of ourselves and our own health.
Good luck to both of you, and prayers that you each can find peace in your respective recoveries.
Hugs
My thoughts are to be yourself, do/say/think whatever feels right for you and let his recovery remain his responsibility.
"We" are not their only option, "we" are not the solution to their recovery/addiction/problems, "we" cannot change, control or cure anyone but "we" can take very good care of ourselves and our own health.
Good luck to both of you, and prayers that you each can find peace in your respective recoveries.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
I have a suggestion that is helping me through my HBF's recovery and repairing our relationship. Get "Reclaim your Family from Addiction" by Craig Nakken. It's a great book but your BF has to be willing to read it with you.
My suggestion, if he's capable of making it on his own, then he should strive for living on his own first sober and then the two of you reconnecting again. I learned that from my experience and sticking to it. I have no children with my HBF and we only lived together a short time. After this last relapse, he has NO WHERE to go but stay in rehab/work house or hit the street again with the same grind and consequence of addiction. He chooses to stay in rehab/work house. From there, hopefully, he will continue on hs track of sobriety and get his own place.
I have learned to love my addict from a distance. When he's sober we can have a more meaningful relationship but if he screws up, he's screwing up his own credit, his own housing, his own everything. It gives him the sense of responsiibility.
I agree with the other posters. That rehab is suspect. There is no coddling (sp?) an addict. They must do it on their own.
Best of Luck.
My suggestion, if he's capable of making it on his own, then he should strive for living on his own first sober and then the two of you reconnecting again. I learned that from my experience and sticking to it. I have no children with my HBF and we only lived together a short time. After this last relapse, he has NO WHERE to go but stay in rehab/work house or hit the street again with the same grind and consequence of addiction. He chooses to stay in rehab/work house. From there, hopefully, he will continue on hs track of sobriety and get his own place.
I have learned to love my addict from a distance. When he's sober we can have a more meaningful relationship but if he screws up, he's screwing up his own credit, his own housing, his own everything. It gives him the sense of responsiibility.
I agree with the other posters. That rehab is suspect. There is no coddling (sp?) an addict. They must do it on their own.
Best of Luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING
I have a suggestion that is helping me through my HBF's recovery and repairing our relationship. Get "Reclaim your Family from Addiction" by Craig Nakken. It's a great book but your BF has to be willing to read it with you.
Thank you so much to everyone here, it's so nice to know that there are other people going through the same type of thing and to get advice, it has made me feel a lot better! Only another week and he's home! I'm excited and nervous!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Clover. Here's some advice based on my experiences.
As his primary partner, a lot of his success does depend on his relationship with you. His success also depends partly on his home environment. If you are agitated and not taking care of yourself, that is not healthy for either one of you. Take care of yourself, and take care of your own issues. None of this means you are responsible if he relapses.
You don't have to worry about walking on eggshells or catering to him or anything like that. Just be understanding that this man is going through some very rough times. Rehab is a facility for treatment. Treat him as you would any other friend who has just gotten out of treatment in a facility. Treat him the same way you would want him to treat you. But have confidence that he is fully capable of doing this. He doesn't need to be babied. Assuming he needs help is not respectful.
1. When he gets home, don't expect a happy man. He may be worried, stressed, scared, and uncomfortable. He may be very grumpy and grouchy and just no fun to be around. Try not to get mad or express anger or irritation. If he's grouchy, just let him be grouchy, don't take it personally. Pick your battles. In fact, if you get mad or irritated, just call a friend to vent, or go for a walk. Don't take it out on him, even if you are "right." Dealing with someone who is newly recovering means you also have to work on YOURSELF at the same time.
2. I suggest getting to Nar-anon (or Al-anon if there isn't a Nar-anon close by) BEFORE he comes home. Again, start working on you.
3. Remember, just because he's the addict, doesn't mean you are always right.
4. Remember, he has feelings just like you do (I always forget this about guys). The fact that he has gone to rehab and lasted through the whole program, and will read books you suggest, is a good sign.
5. Remember that recovery is a process. Addiction is not something that can be fixed. He may lapse, and he may relapse. Don't freak out. Just try to be non-emotional about it and try to steer him back by discussing the tools he has learned in rehab.
6. Start learning as much as you can about recovery from cocaine addiction. I highly recommend reading a book on Cocaine Recovery. There is one written by Paul H. Earley - 1991. Called "The Cocaine Recovery Book." I had to go to the local university to read it because it was too expensive to buy and the regular library didn't have it.
7. He may sleep more than usual. Perhaps your taking this into account would be helfpul to him.
8. Investigate and understand your own codependency issues. He is probably not going to behave the same as before he left. You are probably accustomed to him behaving in certain ways. Try not to force him into the old codependent roles.
9. If he gets down in the dumps, try to be encouraging. If he shares his feelings or fears with you, tell him you believe in him. Tell him he can do it. Folks in early recovery need lots of encouragement.
10. Routine is very important for the early recovering addict. The best thing you can do to encourage this is to have your OWN routine.
11. Ask him if there is anything you can help him with or if he would like to hear some suggestions. Don't force your opinions and suggestions on him. I know you know the best way to do things, but he's got to figure them out on his own. And he's got to learn when to ask for or welcome help.
12. Don't be afraid to let him fall and get himself back up again.
Hope some of this helps you.
As his primary partner, a lot of his success does depend on his relationship with you. His success also depends partly on his home environment. If you are agitated and not taking care of yourself, that is not healthy for either one of you. Take care of yourself, and take care of your own issues. None of this means you are responsible if he relapses.
You don't have to worry about walking on eggshells or catering to him or anything like that. Just be understanding that this man is going through some very rough times. Rehab is a facility for treatment. Treat him as you would any other friend who has just gotten out of treatment in a facility. Treat him the same way you would want him to treat you. But have confidence that he is fully capable of doing this. He doesn't need to be babied. Assuming he needs help is not respectful.
1. When he gets home, don't expect a happy man. He may be worried, stressed, scared, and uncomfortable. He may be very grumpy and grouchy and just no fun to be around. Try not to get mad or express anger or irritation. If he's grouchy, just let him be grouchy, don't take it personally. Pick your battles. In fact, if you get mad or irritated, just call a friend to vent, or go for a walk. Don't take it out on him, even if you are "right." Dealing with someone who is newly recovering means you also have to work on YOURSELF at the same time.
2. I suggest getting to Nar-anon (or Al-anon if there isn't a Nar-anon close by) BEFORE he comes home. Again, start working on you.
3. Remember, just because he's the addict, doesn't mean you are always right.
4. Remember, he has feelings just like you do (I always forget this about guys). The fact that he has gone to rehab and lasted through the whole program, and will read books you suggest, is a good sign.
5. Remember that recovery is a process. Addiction is not something that can be fixed. He may lapse, and he may relapse. Don't freak out. Just try to be non-emotional about it and try to steer him back by discussing the tools he has learned in rehab.
6. Start learning as much as you can about recovery from cocaine addiction. I highly recommend reading a book on Cocaine Recovery. There is one written by Paul H. Earley - 1991. Called "The Cocaine Recovery Book." I had to go to the local university to read it because it was too expensive to buy and the regular library didn't have it.
7. He may sleep more than usual. Perhaps your taking this into account would be helfpul to him.
8. Investigate and understand your own codependency issues. He is probably not going to behave the same as before he left. You are probably accustomed to him behaving in certain ways. Try not to force him into the old codependent roles.
9. If he gets down in the dumps, try to be encouraging. If he shares his feelings or fears with you, tell him you believe in him. Tell him he can do it. Folks in early recovery need lots of encouragement.
10. Routine is very important for the early recovering addict. The best thing you can do to encourage this is to have your OWN routine.
11. Ask him if there is anything you can help him with or if he would like to hear some suggestions. Don't force your opinions and suggestions on him. I know you know the best way to do things, but he's got to figure them out on his own. And he's got to learn when to ask for or welcome help.
12. Don't be afraid to let him fall and get himself back up again.
Hope some of this helps you.
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