katie44

AS still at the detox center. The pastor I spoke to a couple of weeks ago has found a program for him. He can go in a month. The problem for AS its a one year christian based program. No smoking, and no contact with us for 4 months. AS does not believe in god ( he believes that christians are fanatics). Come to think of it he doesnt believe in a HP, maybe this is why his reovery has been so difficult. I have only heard good things about this program. He can finish his high school ( he is 22), they must work there to earn there keep as this is not goverment funded.He phoned me last nite, and proceeded with his manipulative ways. He said he would rather a 6 month programme ( the wating list are very long ). I said it was his life and he should do what he wants ( I think that through him for a loop ) Then he said what if he went to the 1 year program and stayed for 6 months? Would I turn him away if he left the program ? We have told him no more help with anything as long as he was using drugs he was not welcome to come around. This is not the first time but then I had a codie relapse. I just can not tolerate anymore for him. I am praying he goes to this program however I have not pushed it , I told him its his life do what he wants.
It is his recovery and Im not making choices for him. How do I answer him if he leaves this program after 6 months will I resume a realtionship with him.? The truth is if he walks out of a program will I help him to get back on his feet the answer is no. He says 1 year of his life is too long to dedicate, 6 months is better. Like he has a productive life. I just dont know how to answer him? He keeps pushing the question?

Ann

Katie, you don't have to answer him. He can decide what he is going to do, then you can base your decisions at some later date based on his actions and more so, based on how YOU feel about it when the time comes.

Knowing your pain, knowing how hard all this is, with love in my heart I suggest you step back and let him make his own choice, even if it is a bad one.

Regardless of what happens, we're walking with you here.

Hugs

marle

My daughter has a problem with the concept of a HP too, yet she has 15 months clean because she was willing to put down the drugs and try something different. Your son can use anything for a HP, it does not have to be Christian based. He sounds like he is doing a lot of quacking. Could be that he is still trying to control instead of surrendering. Either way it is his problem and his to solve. You only need to take care of you. Sending hugs your way because I know how hard it is to deal with the manipulation. Marle

katie44

Your right Ann thankyou. I have to remind myself it is his decision. What a question to ask me " I'll go to the one year program and I'll stay 6 months, hes going to tell the pastor he will dedicate the year, and after 6 months will I be there for him considering he didnt complete the program ? Terrible thing to say I would be glad not to hear from him for 4 months. I spent the entire day yesterday going through banker boxers for my business. Being audited next week , they are looking at the past 5 years. Lo and behold there were crack pipes, screens and ashes in the boxes. How nice there is nothing he hasnt gone through or disrupted. Quite the hiding spots. He must of forgotten they were there over the years. Wouldnt that be nice the auditor would have thought I had a problem LOL

katie44

Your right Marle, he called this morning i said do what you want and hung up. So hard not to get sucked in to this manipulation. The best thing right now would to be have no contact with him. I keep repeating over and over it is his life!

totfit

Your son most likely has manipulated beyond belief, but not wanting to spend a year in a Christian based recovery program would have little to do with manipulation. Also, whether or not one believes in God has nothing to do with whether one can break free of drugs and alcohol. It is difficult for an addict to commit to a one month program much less than a year of their life in a program based on something for which they don't believe. That being said, the statistics for long term treatment (based on anything) are much better than short term treatment. Merely that much time away from drugs and alcohol gives a person time to heal and find other ways to deal with life's problems. I think the fact that they don't let people smoke is a big plus. If people are still smoking they are lying to themselves if they say they are "clean". Ultimately it is his decision of course, but I would sell it based on the merits of statistics.

Serenity Bound

Katie, It sound to me like your AS stills wants to do things his way, same as my AD, goodness she signed herself into rehab 1 week ago, and now thinks she should not be there, but instead live with me & work her program. The disease is still talking, still making her decisons. Like you, I can NOT live with her addiction any longer, I cannot control her decisions, but I surely can control my own. You're right, it is not easy for us, but however hard it is, the alternative is certainly harder.

Sending you prayers, hugs & encouragement.
Chris

leelee5675

Just know that you are doing the right thing. Stand your ground. I watched my daughter go through 5 years of using before I had the strength to realize how I had enabled her and kick her out.

She had said for years that she was an atheist. When she went to rehab, finally, she met someone who gave her a book to read that changed her entire perspective. This person was another resident, not a counselor and the center was not Christian based.

So you never know what's going to happen. Again, just stand your ground and make him decide. Who knows? Maybe after six months (that's a long time in the life of an addict) he will decide he wants to stay and finish the program.

In the meantime...take care of you. Oh...and you're not terrible for wanting a break from your son. When my daughter left, I had gotten to the point that I couldn't stand the sight of her. I still loved her but not only didn't want to see her, I didn't really want to even talk to her on the phone.

Hang in there and keep posting. Everyone here really does care.

outtolunch

I wonder his response if you asked him if, in 6-12 months, he will be there, for you.

This story, like so many of our stories, is all about the addict, all the time.

Why is that?

cherrie1

Katie,

My son has just been sentenced to a year program where he will live and work. It too is christian based. I am very lucky that he is willing and even looking forward to it. I am sure a year sounds like a long time but my son already completed sober living for a year before his relapse so he knows how quickly it can go. He is currently in jail and if he decided to do his sentence he would be finished in Dec but he is going to the program and he has to commit for 1 year. Hopefully your son will make the right decision. The longer the treatment the better. My prayers are with you.

meditation

Hmm the smoking part. I would rather have a son off drugs and smoking seems a rather hard line view to me. It's not banned at AA or NA, it's not banned in most rehabs, it is not banned in court approved programs or health care programs. I am clean 11 months but I smoke. I consider myself clean. There would be only a few people out there that could claim clean time if smoking was considered as part of being a reason for a relapse. just wow. It would be great if none of us smoked.

katie44

AS calls from the detox centre tonite, now he wants to know if I will keep his cat. She has been here two weeks. She is very tiny and nervous ( who knows what kind of life the poor cat has had) she is just starting to come around. She is not fixed, nor has she had her shots. I have two male siamese cats and a dog so I really dont want another pet. The cat hair is enought to drive one crazy. We are gone for 12 hours a day, all week. I take the dog to work with me. I can not take the cat to the humane society as I know they will put her down they are way too overcrowded. I will get her shots and have her fixed. I told AS I had to find her a home she is 9 months old. he blew up! said if i loved him the very least I could do is keep her until he settles. he should never have had a cat he cant even take care of himself and he would leave her unattended for days. Guess who would go feed her? He makes me so mad he just expects everyone to look after his stuff. He couldnt take the time to have this poor cat fixed, but he could spend thousands of dollars on drugs. Any he told me to f.... snd hung up on me. All about the addict!

Ann

Katie, as a cat lover I am glad you are putting the cat's needs before his selfishness. Poor kitty deserves better and too dang bad if that doesn't suit him.

More Hugs

sleepygoat

I just really had to laugh when he said, he'll do 6 months but a year is too long. As if addicts have any clue how to commit to 6 hours of something other than getting high - let alone 6 months! It never ceases to amaze me, too, how using addicts who have no idea how to recover and whose lives are in the toilet bowl, suddenly have all sorts of great ideas about how to live their lives. and insist they know what they need. Of course, being an addict myself, I also had plenty of 'great ideas' too, in the beginning.

If he gets both feet in the door (of anywhere that provides drug treatment), that's enough for now. One day at a time.

URMYEVERYTHING

How do I answer him if he leaves this program after 6 months will I resume a realtionship with him.? The truth is if he walks out of a program will I help him to get back on his feet the answer is no. He says 1 year of his life is too long to dedicate, 6 months is better. Like he has a productive life. I just dont know how to answer him? He keeps pushing the question?[/QUOTE]

You don't have to answer him. Just like his recovery takes one day at a time and a wait and see approach, so does your relationship/marriage. Stay strong in your boundaries. Do you really need him right now? The answer is a big FAT No. Do you need him in 6 months? Who knows. Do you need him in a year? Too far to tell. Those would be my answers. LOL.