leznew

So my wife was supposed to call me tonight. What is going on with addicts behavier. I dont even know if she wants to be married or not. She gets out of rehab soon and I am emotionally confused. I dont think she wants to talk to me, then she loves me and I think she is making progress, then she is supposed to call and does not. WTF, LOL

Freedom1990

Believe me, she's just as emotionally confused as you are. Early recovery is hard for any addict.

What are you doing for yourself and your own recovery from the effects of addiction in your life?

Have you considered attending Naranon or Alanon meetings (Naranon is less widely available)?

Latte

Early recovery is difficult at best. I'll second Freedom's advice.

leznew

Its almost funny. It is becoming a joke to me that I keep wanting to beleive this person and I keep getting let down LOL. I am attending alanon and I understand that this is the process. I thought when we had our meeting with the counselor and my wife said she would call on wed. and fri. we were making progress. She called on Wed. and we had a great connection. And all the trust is gone LOL. Sometimes you just have to laugh.

IPT

Man, I am sorry that happened to you but glad that on some level you seem to be dealing well with it. I remember going to a therapist with my exagf and agreeing to something she ws going to do and within one week it was gone. I was baffled, and amazed. Hopefully as your wife recovers and things clear she will be able to be there for you in a more consistent way.

Callie

Leznew -

Sorry you're here. First thing that I would say to you is calm down. I can hear your mind spinning with the what if's. I can hear your thoughts scrambling about what's next, should she? Should I? Why didn't she call? That's you trying to grasp control of the situation - I understand that. But it helps nobody.

I personally think that when my AH went to his first rehab that I was a hinderance to his recovery instead of a help. It wasn't intentional, it was because I was new to all of this. Thought just get him through rehab, get him clean, back to work and we'll move on with life. They suggested naranon for me, na for him. Neither of us went. I didn't need a meeting - nor did he. Just get the addiction OUT of the equation and we'll both be fine. No need to sit and dwell on it. How WRONG was I? I kind of brushed the whole drug thing under the rug because I simply could not grasp how serious and longstanding his problem was or would become. That was 5 years and 4 rehabs ago.

Looking back I should have LISTENED to the pro's. I should have stayed on my OWN path instead of trying to lead the way for us both. I thought I knew what was best, but when dealing with addiction normal is not normal. Your focus is solely on her. Take it OFF of her, put it on yourself and leave HER to the pro's where it should be.

Again, sorry you're here - great people here,

leznew

Thanks I needed that. I am a smart guy who has found the answers I have been looking for. The hard part is rewriting the eqation in my head. I have all the tools and I am working them. I will come out of this a better person and I she will too. The hard part is to accept that it may not be any time soon and it may not be together. I love her very much, and if you really really love someone you have to take one for the team and let go. I am trying to beat this in my head. It is hard to seperate love and LOVE, because they became the same thing. If you ask the big guy upstairs to help you he will, you just have to listen. I am trying, just easier said than done LOL.

Callie

For me, there's a difference between taking one for the team in a NORMAL marriage and taking one for the team in a marriage with ADDICTION. I've 'taken one for the team' for so many years that I'm beat down, battered, tired and feel defeated. In a NORMAL marriage, the team will pick you back up and not let this repeatedly happen. In a marriage with ADDICTION they will expect you to take one over and over and over again. Healthy, marital love cannot co-exist with addiction. Love is still there, but it's a twisted, tangled mess and the 'healthy' person is usually the one who sufferes the most. Good luck to you and again sorry you're here.

leznew

Thanks Callie, what I meant by taking one for the team is. I am going to be the bigger man and step away let the chips fall where they may. This is the hardest thing to do is walk away and still be married to someone you love. I have to let her do her own recovery and let her brain heal. I know the answers to her questions I just cant give them to her. She has to find those for her self and it will be a long Journey. I am trying to be supportive but not enable any more. Enabeling is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned, Just my opinion.

Callie

Sounds like you're on the right track Leznew. Keep posting and keep reading. Lots of great info here.

leelee5675

Not to be negative...just a something to think about...

I have said many times about my ex (he's not even an addict)...

He didn't want a team...he just wanted a cheerleader.

leznew

great point thank you, like I said. I am a work in progress. The answer to her problem is she couldnt figure out problems, and they add up to a point of no return.

leznew

thanks anvil, that is exactly where I am. I am working on straightening out my life. I wrote on a peice of paper on my fridge.
Mind- work
body-workout
soul-god
If I start there, and follow my faith the rest will fall into place.

leznew

That is funny, With the whole cheerleader thing. I dont take any offence to anyone who has lived through this. It is good to get good and bad stories so you can get to the realization that you do not know what the future is going to be. If I could predict the future I would be a wheather man or a lottery winner LOL.

teke

sorry you had to be here but glad you are. you and your wife are in my prayers.