Artsyfrtsygurl

I cannot tell you how AWESOME this site is! I just found it this morning out of a desperate search to find help for my boyfriend's son. I hope someone can give me some advice on how to find help for a 21 year old addict. I will start with a brief scenario of what's going on....

I've been in a relationship with a man I truly love for a year and a half. He has a 21 yo son that is an addict. I had suspicions about a year ago that he may have been using drugs (always asking dad for money, lost his wallet, had his paycheck stolen, roommates skipped out on him, etc., etc, etc,.) His dad refused to believe that drugs may be involved.

In june, a frantic phone call was made to my bf by the mother of his son, that she found pills and confirmed with a friend that he is addicted to oxy. Finally, eyes were opened and everything that had been going on over the last year made sense. My BF confronted his son that evening and ended up taking him to a rehab facility that night.

He only completed 14 days of the program before he checked himself out saying that now that he had detoxed, he could stay clean. Wrong. He stayed clean for a short time (BF gave him a few random tests), but then slipped back into the same crap. Crying to Dad that he didn't have money to eat, didn't have gas money to get to interviews, didn't have money for haircut, didn't have money for dress clothes for interview.......all the while Dad rationalizing "if he can't get out and find a job, he'll just sit home and be an addict for the rest of his life."

Finally, Dad bucks up and refuses to give son any more money. And then, son threatens suicide. I'm sure this (in his mind) was the most effective way to hurt and manipulate his dad. This incident resulted in a 7 day stay at a recovery center.

Son gets a job, lasts 3 weeks, and then is fired. Son steals from his girlfriend, mother and Dad. We all know he is using again, and here is my question....

How do you find help for someone that is obviously recklessly out of control? He is currently on probation (somehow passed a drug test this week.) and I am afraid he will end up going to jail soon. He has threatened suicide more than once. I love my boyfriend and it is breaking my heart to see how this is devastating him. He cannot afford to send his son to another rehab program, and I doubt at this point his son would agree to go anyway.

I feel totally helpless. What can we do?

Thanks - just for being here

teke

hi, welcome to the family. sorry to say but there is nothing you can do, you've done more than enough already. your son just don't seem ready to stop yet and when he is, he will seek help on his own. he already knows what he needs to do since he has experienced some rehab but its up to him and only him to do it. btw, salvation army has a free program that he could check out when he's ready. he can figure out how to get drugs, believe me, when he is really ready, he will find a way to get help for himself and on his own if he has to do it alone.

i too came here looking for help for my ah. the best thing you can do for everyone is to step back and allow him to suffer the consequences of his own action. allow him to find his breaking point on his own. in the meantime focus more on you. read the little stickies at the top of the forum page and post as much as you like. educate yourself on addiction and co dependancy. search your area for ala non/nar anon or coda support groups for family members. in dealing with their addictions we become just as sick as them and need help in learning how to cope. maybe even invite your bf to come along to meetings with you.

i'm a ra married to addict and i know how painful this is but it can get better for you and your bf even if his son is not quite ready yet. stick around, others will be alone shortly. these wise people have literally helped to save my sanity.i'll keep you guys in my prayers

d

laurie6781

Welcome to Sober Recovery! You have found a GREAT place with lots of experience, strength, and hope (ES&H) from those who have been where y'all are or are where y'all are.

Instead of 'help' for him, get some help for yourselves. Try NarAnon or Al-Anon. I suggest Al-Anon too because many times there are many more meetings than there are NarAnon and you can find ones that will fit with whatever work schedule you have.

Sad to say, there is really nothing you can do for the addict. As Teke said, the CONSEQUENCES of his actions, with no BAIL OUTS of any kind will be what finally brings him to his knees.

Do not believe his 'words.' Sit back and watch his ACTIONS. His words are QUACKING (lies, manipulations, etc) his ACTIONS will show you when he is woking on recovery.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we really do care.

Love and hugs,

outtolunch

You sound like so many of us , when we first discover this forum. We want to do something to control/fix the addict in our life.

All of our focus, time and energy goes into trying to control someone else's choices and behaviors. It does not work.

Does this kid have a car? Who pays for the insurance, gas, upkeep? Does he have a phone? Who pays for it? Where does he sleep? Who pays for it? Where does the money for pills come from, given he's not working?

One does not usually have to look too far beyond an addict to find the people most likely to be enabling the addict. Stealing from friends and family is common because friends and family are less likely to call the Police and press charges, thinking they are helping.

He's an adult and his choices have consequences. Get out of his way and give him the dignity to experience the consequences. He will have more opportunities and is safer in prison, than not.

Artsyfrtsygurl

Wow, thank you for all the supportive words. I agree with him having to pay consequences, unfortunately he hasn't had to pay many. Just this past week, his dad took away his truck and insurance, which his son is VERY angry about. My BF feels very guilty about doing so, but I keep tellling him it's the best thing. My BF's biggest fear is that his son will act on the threats of suicide, and that somehow, it will be his fault because HE didn't do enough to help his son. I know it's easy for me to tell him to cut off all attempts at helping (i.e., money for food, looking for a job for him, looking into rehab programs, calling to make sure he went to unemployment, calling to make sure he made restitution for the bad checks he wrote, and on and on and on) but I might be doing the same things if it were my biological son. I don't know. I guess maybe the best way to "help" him is to stop trying to help him.

Thanks to all. I feel like we're not alone in this horrible situation.

nytepassion

If and Until the son is ready to get help for himself .. He will continue to use REGARDLESS. You are powerless over his addiction.

With that being said, the great news is there is still hope ...

Learn all you can about enabling, codependency, detaching with love. Knowledge is power!

Hope you stick around ... bring your bf .. you're in good hands

Hugs,
Passion

PS: If son threatens suicide, call 911 have him picked up and evaluated. Many times addicts will use suicide threats to manipulate you and as emotional blackmail to get out of being responsible or as a way to get whatever it is they want

teke

i do agree with you, about not helping him and its ok for him to be angry. thats common when you stop "helping him". you supply his basic needs, while he supplies his drugs. my family totally cut me off, then and only then was i able to see how unmanagable and destructive my life had become i then became desperate to seek help however i could. yes, i became very angry but today i'm clean and sober for a few yrs and i can't thank my family enough for leaving me alone so that i could find my own bottom.

i noticed you live in atlanta, so do i. there are a lot of meetings around town. salvation army here help addicts and there is also free state rehab,detox/halfway houses that your bf's son can check out when he's ready if he can't afford the expensive resort kind. don't know how good you may think they are but they helped me to save my life. it was all i had.

leelee5675

I am on "round 3" with my 32-year-old addicted daughter. I spent years and literally tens of thousands of dollars bailing her out of one situation after another. She would quit on her own, then eventually relapse. Then along came her child, and I thought that would make her quit indefinitely. Not so. I now have custody of the 4-year old granddaughter.

My AD just recently went through her first rehab. I had to kick her out of my home (she and her daughter had been living with me for 4 years) and cut her off completely before she sought help. Luckily (we live in Texas) there was a state-sponsored program that paid for her detox and rehab. She had drained me so much financially over the previous two years there was no way I could afford to pay for a program.

If you have no problem with your BF reading your original post, you may want to show him the responding posts that consistently verify the fact that his son will not get clean until he is "cut off" and has to look his addiction square in the face without any outside "safety net".

If you haven't already read it, there's a sticky at the top of this forum called "What Addicts Do". Print it out and let your BF read it. It is written by an addict and gives incredible insight to the mindset of an addict. When I first read it, it helped me realize that I had done the right thing for my daughter as harsh and cruel as it seemed. It also helped me begin to forgive her for the things she had put me through.

Thoughts and prayers are with you. I know what you and BF are going through.

Spiritual Seeker

In my county we have 8 different al-anon mtgs. ea. week just for parents
You can find al-anon directory of mtg. on-line for your area.

Get the literature, books, etc. and start working the al-anon program as a turning point - This is the advice I offer based on what worked for me as mom of an addict.

Learning how to detach and how to focus on what is needed in our own lives to make things better for us as parents is crucial...and hopefully,,,ultimately the son will be ready for recovery too.

My son had two diff. 6 weeks stays at rehab when he was 18-21. Ea. time relapse quickly happened. Keep hope & faith...my son went into recovery at age 24 and is just now completing an 18 mo. program
He had to hit a bottom and suffer conseq. before he was ready...and I had to let him because I had no control.
Ultimately, he did req. help and financing to get into a program,...but he wasn't ready until he could see his life had become unmanageable with no one to bail him out.

katie44

Welcome to SR, until he is ready for recovery there is nothing you can do. My son is 22 and he has used the threat of suicide many times. It would tear my heart to pieces. Just last week I spoke to an outreach pastor who has worked with addicts for many years. The topic of suicide came up. He said the next time your son threatens suicide tell him you love him, and that you are saddened by his choice, but it is his choice. Many times it is a manipulation tactic, my fear is what if he did do it. This has held me as a prisoner on and off with his addiction many times. It has been my fear that he would die from a drug overdose that continued the enabling. He is in a detox center presently and again this week he told me he was going to hang himself. I repeated what the pastor said " I love him, but it is his choice" I gave him no other reaction. He was shocked and went silent. Keep coming to SR, naranon is a great support.

outtolunch

[QUOTE=Artsyfrtsygurl;2346799]

My BF's biggest fear is that his son will act on the threats of suicide, and that somehow, it will be his fault because HE didn't do enough to help his son. /QUOTE]

We often rationalize our own " helping" choices and behaviors when we are enabling.

Enabling sustains addiction.

Addiction usually leads to prison or death.

kristyk1

I found this site last week, after having my addict brother live with me, my husband and our kids for 8 months. What I learned through all that is that there's nothing I can do to help my brother. Nothing. All the money I could give him, all the encouragement I could offer him, all the car repairs, clothes, whatever, none of that helped him. He had to want to get off the drugs and sadly, he just didn't. I was throwing all my energy and resources and help right in his lap... while he was here, he had a great paying job, hardly any bills to pay, food to eat, a warm bed every night, etc... but in the end, he just wanted the drugs.

Slowly I'm learning to separate myself from my brother's addiction. I know that he and I can never have a relationship while he's on drugs because I believe he's a danger to himself and to my family. So right now, I just pray for him. That's all I can do.