AH is out of the house, I am struggling with boundaries
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
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AH is out of the house, I am struggling with boundaries
Well... I kicked my AH out, officially. He has been out for almost two weeks. My life is much improved but he is still trying to bring chaos to the table.. or he may not be trying... I guess chaos tends to follow an active addict.
My AH seems to think it is OK to stop by our house and see our son whenever he wants (even if he is asleep), he eats my food, drinks my pop, he goes to our house when I am at work to watch TV, etc., etc., So.. I have set up some boundaries to try to combat these things but I am finding it hard to stick with them. For example, I have told him he needs to purchase his own food and he shouldn't be mooching off of me because I have a baby to care for. So now, he asks me "can I eat that" instead of just taking it like he did before. I just have a hard time saying "NO" as we codies tend to.
My issue is, I do not want him to have his cake and eat it to. What has happened is that he now has a "drug den" where he can use whenever he wants and comes back to our house when HE feels like being a (half a**) Dad and Husband.
So, give me strength guys! I need your help! He needs to hit his bottom a little quicker and I need more PEACE!! I need help with saying "NO" without guilt that he is gonna starve to death (yes, I know how stupid that sounds).
Also, I found this Al-Anon meeting that I really like and now one of his family members is attending the same meeting and we are not big fans of each other. I now feel like I can't go back to that meeting and speak freely. Meetings are so limited in our area and it makes me sad. So, do you think I should call this person before meetings to see if they are going or try to alternate weeks?
My AH seems to think it is OK to stop by our house and see our son whenever he wants (even if he is asleep), he eats my food, drinks my pop, he goes to our house when I am at work to watch TV, etc., etc., So.. I have set up some boundaries to try to combat these things but I am finding it hard to stick with them. For example, I have told him he needs to purchase his own food and he shouldn't be mooching off of me because I have a baby to care for. So now, he asks me "can I eat that" instead of just taking it like he did before. I just have a hard time saying "NO" as we codies tend to.
My issue is, I do not want him to have his cake and eat it to. What has happened is that he now has a "drug den" where he can use whenever he wants and comes back to our house when HE feels like being a (half a**) Dad and Husband.
So, give me strength guys! I need your help! He needs to hit his bottom a little quicker and I need more PEACE!! I need help with saying "NO" without guilt that he is gonna starve to death (yes, I know how stupid that sounds).
Also, I found this Al-Anon meeting that I really like and now one of his family members is attending the same meeting and we are not big fans of each other. I now feel like I can't go back to that meeting and speak freely. Meetings are so limited in our area and it makes me sad. So, do you think I should call this person before meetings to see if they are going or try to alternate weeks?
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
first, your husband probably won't starve to death if you don't provide his food, besides, why would he buy himself food over his doc when your there to provide it for him. he's having his cake and eating it to. you are feeding him while he is feeding his addiction and providing a comfortable landing pad when he's sick of his drug den, why not let him live where he plays.
i had to stop all contact with my ah. i couldn't force him to his bottom but i sure don't have to allow him to take me there with him. the choice is yours and its not your fault if he choose to give up food for his doc.
i had to stop all contact with my ah. i couldn't force him to his bottom but i sure don't have to allow him to take me there with him. the choice is yours and its not your fault if he choose to give up food for his doc.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
teke is right...he is having his cake and eating it too. And that's just what you said you didn't want him to have.
I'm just like you...NO has a very limited place in my vocabulary. I started thinking what you might do about some of these issues and came up with some ideas you might try.
You could try telling him if he's going to come over, there has to be some rules. One of them could be that he must eat before he comes over. Then if he tries that "can I have this" thing, instead of having to say "NO" you could say something like "You know the rules" or "Wouldn't that be violating the rules?" If your real fear is that he'll starve to death, I promise you he won't. Addicts have an amazing network and are very resourceful at getting what they need.
Have you thought about having the locks changed? I would be very upset if I knew my AD that I kicked out was coming over when I wasn't home. I know it can be expensive to change locks, but look at the money you would be saving on food. I'm sure he's eating when you're not there.
As far as the problem with al-anon and the family member, I have had that one in the past. My mother convinced me to attend in the first place (alcoholic father). When I got involved, I realized I had more issues with my mother's transference of her co-dependence to me than I did with my father's drinking. Unfortunately, I just quit going because I couldn't talk about my real issues with her there. Now we're at 13 years later, my father is deceased, my mother is in a nursing home and I recently started attending meetings again. I need my coping skills again as I'm dealing with my AD.
I wish I had a solution for you on that. I live in a small town, too, and understand the limited number of meetings. If you do find a solution on that, please share with us. I'm sure there are plently of other members who run up against that same problem.
Thoughts and prayers are with you. Cling to the peaceful part of your AH being gone and you'll want more of that. In turn you'll find the strength to stand up to him more and more.
Keep posting...there's lots of caring and wisdom here.
I'm just like you...NO has a very limited place in my vocabulary. I started thinking what you might do about some of these issues and came up with some ideas you might try.
You could try telling him if he's going to come over, there has to be some rules. One of them could be that he must eat before he comes over. Then if he tries that "can I have this" thing, instead of having to say "NO" you could say something like "You know the rules" or "Wouldn't that be violating the rules?" If your real fear is that he'll starve to death, I promise you he won't. Addicts have an amazing network and are very resourceful at getting what they need.
Have you thought about having the locks changed? I would be very upset if I knew my AD that I kicked out was coming over when I wasn't home. I know it can be expensive to change locks, but look at the money you would be saving on food. I'm sure he's eating when you're not there.
As far as the problem with al-anon and the family member, I have had that one in the past. My mother convinced me to attend in the first place (alcoholic father). When I got involved, I realized I had more issues with my mother's transference of her co-dependence to me than I did with my father's drinking. Unfortunately, I just quit going because I couldn't talk about my real issues with her there. Now we're at 13 years later, my father is deceased, my mother is in a nursing home and I recently started attending meetings again. I need my coping skills again as I'm dealing with my AD.
I wish I had a solution for you on that. I live in a small town, too, and understand the limited number of meetings. If you do find a solution on that, please share with us. I'm sure there are plently of other members who run up against that same problem.
Thoughts and prayers are with you. Cling to the peaceful part of your AH being gone and you'll want more of that. In turn you'll find the strength to stand up to him more and more.
Keep posting...there's lots of caring and wisdom here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 168
Thank you, I needed the reality check.
I told him to get out for many reasons, it wasn't safe for me or my son, I didn't want him using drugs in our home, and I hoped that telling him to get out would assist him in getting some help for himself..maybe...I do know that he probably is not gonna wanna get help if I keep catering to his every need.. I guess I didn't really say to him whether the move was permanent or not. I was just so focused on getting him out of my house I didn't really get any further than that.
I saw an attorney and he told me I can't legally make him stay out until I decide to file for divorce. I can't call the cops-they won't do anything, his name is on our house too. I can change the locks but if he breaks a window to get in-I can't do anything about it because again, it is his house...
I told him to get out for many reasons, it wasn't safe for me or my son, I didn't want him using drugs in our home, and I hoped that telling him to get out would assist him in getting some help for himself..maybe...I do know that he probably is not gonna wanna get help if I keep catering to his every need.. I guess I didn't really say to him whether the move was permanent or not. I was just so focused on getting him out of my house I didn't really get any further than that.
I saw an attorney and he told me I can't legally make him stay out until I decide to file for divorce. I can't call the cops-they won't do anything, his name is on our house too. I can change the locks but if he breaks a window to get in-I can't do anything about it because again, it is his house...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
DL... can you get a restraining order? Because there is a child in the home.... him having drugs there is considered harmful. Or would that implicate matters with you?
Are you planning on filing divorce? What about a legal separation? From a legal standpoint ... having as much as possible in your tool box and backing behind you - is advised when involved with an addict in active addiction.
The benefit to having a plan B is that you are in an assertive role vs. aggressive role.
Are you planning on filing divorce? What about a legal separation? From a legal standpoint ... having as much as possible in your tool box and backing behind you - is advised when involved with an addict in active addiction.
The benefit to having a plan B is that you are in an assertive role vs. aggressive role.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
Okay...that information helps. Try to focus and think about what it is that you want. Well, we all know that what we REALLY want is for our addict to find sobriety. But you know what I mean. Think about which areas you feel like battling for, what you just really can't stand any more.
You can do it. It's hard when there's such chaos around, but you have to take care of you and your child. Being the grown child of an addict, I know the devestating affect it can have on your adult life and how long it can take to uncover the damage and deal with it, so please take that into consideration when deciding what to do about your situation.
There are lots of people here who have been in your shoes. Please communicate your frustrations as much as you need.
Praying for you...
You can do it. It's hard when there's such chaos around, but you have to take care of you and your child. Being the grown child of an addict, I know the devestating affect it can have on your adult life and how long it can take to uncover the damage and deal with it, so please take that into consideration when deciding what to do about your situation.
There are lots of people here who have been in your shoes. Please communicate your frustrations as much as you need.
Praying for you...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by daisylady 
Thank you, I needed the reality check.
I told him to get out for many reasons, it wasn't safe for me or my son, I didn't want him using drugs in our home, and I hoped that telling him to get [B]out would assist him in getting some help for himself[/B
I told him to get out for many reasons, it wasn't safe for me or my son, I didn't want him using drugs in our home, and I hoped that telling him to get [B]out would assist him in getting some help for himself[/B
For your own serentity is good.
Doing so, in hopes of anything, sounds a little bit like an attempt to passively control him. Not so good.
Who is paying the bills?
Is he financially contributing towards your son?
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Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 168
Abundance-He no longer brings drugs into the house.. he does them at his own place now so I am not sure if a restraining order would help so much. I am not sure if I want to file for divorce or not, I am not really ready to make a decision like that at this point. I don't believe we have such thing as "legal separation" in the state I live in.. so from what my attorney said to make things stick, divorce is the only option.
Outtolunch-I really don't want to control him, I mean I know I can't.. I have tried that, doesn't work.. I guess I was just trying to make things as hard as possible on him, I thought that it would ultimately help him AND give ME peace. I just had hope that him losing US (my child and I) would be the push he needed to go HIMSELF and get help. The biggest reason that I kicked him out was that I was sick of living in the addiction chaos tornado and was DONE with him living here. I need a break from that, maybe a permanent one... In the past, I have helped him get into treatment, called centers, called AA/NA groups etc. etc. etc. and I vowed this time it was all on HIS OWN. If HE needed money, HE had to go get the loan, and take care of HIS treatment and HIS recovery HIMSELF. However, his Mom just offered to pay for impatient treatment for him again as long as he tried AA/NA meetings for 30 days. She told him that if meetings didn't work she would pay for him to go to impatient. Well, needless to say, he sometimes goes to meetings and he is still a mess. He has been giving me money to help support our child and to help pay the bills here, but with his drug use (he spent $300.00 last week alone) I am not sure how long it will continue. He also still holds down a VERY good paying job.. I wonder how long that will last as well...
Outtolunch-I really don't want to control him, I mean I know I can't.. I have tried that, doesn't work.. I guess I was just trying to make things as hard as possible on him, I thought that it would ultimately help him AND give ME peace. I just had hope that him losing US (my child and I) would be the push he needed to go HIMSELF and get help. The biggest reason that I kicked him out was that I was sick of living in the addiction chaos tornado and was DONE with him living here. I need a break from that, maybe a permanent one... In the past, I have helped him get into treatment, called centers, called AA/NA groups etc. etc. etc. and I vowed this time it was all on HIS OWN. If HE needed money, HE had to go get the loan, and take care of HIS treatment and HIS recovery HIMSELF. However, his Mom just offered to pay for impatient treatment for him again as long as he tried AA/NA meetings for 30 days. She told him that if meetings didn't work she would pay for him to go to impatient. Well, needless to say, he sometimes goes to meetings and he is still a mess. He has been giving me money to help support our child and to help pay the bills here, but with his drug use (he spent $300.00 last week alone) I am not sure how long it will continue. He also still holds down a VERY good paying job.. I wonder how long that will last as well...
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Well ................................... filing for divorce is not a bad thing. As the divorce moves along watch his actions, you will know 'if' you want to stop it. No way it would be 'quick' as there is a child involved.
Also, by filing for a divorce, you can then 1) keep him out of the house, 2) get child support ordered (where his check could be garnished, and 3) get court ordered visitation at 'certain times.'
A divorce is not final unless you want it to be final. Somewhere down the road, if and that is a big IF he gets his act together, works on himself in recovery, stays clean and his actions are showing that, and you two want to get back together (that is a MUTUAL agreement) nothing is stopping you.
It is up to you. What boundaries will make you comfortable. Certainly him coming and going at all hours, eating your child's food (and yours) cannot be conducive to peace and serenity of any kind.
Oh, and sense he is in the house when you are not there, you do NOT know for sure that he is not using drugs in the house, all you do know is that he may be cleaning up any traces of using and that could change also.
DL it is your life, it is your child's life. None of us here can tell you what to do, we can only give you suggestions and opinions.
My opinion for what it is worth, if I were you, I would file for divorce. I would change the locks. I would let the court set 'visitation' and child support. I would get on with taking care of my child and me. I would sit back and watch to see where his addiction takes him and watch his actions. If he starts 'visiting' his child 'high' I would go back to court to get 'visitation' changed to his being tested b4 visitation and supervised visitation. That is me.
Each of us is different. So ............................................. what is your plan?
Love and hugs,
Also, by filing for a divorce, you can then 1) keep him out of the house, 2) get child support ordered (where his check could be garnished, and 3) get court ordered visitation at 'certain times.'
A divorce is not final unless you want it to be final. Somewhere down the road, if and that is a big IF he gets his act together, works on himself in recovery, stays clean and his actions are showing that, and you two want to get back together (that is a MUTUAL agreement) nothing is stopping you.
It is up to you. What boundaries will make you comfortable. Certainly him coming and going at all hours, eating your child's food (and yours) cannot be conducive to peace and serenity of any kind.
Oh, and sense he is in the house when you are not there, you do NOT know for sure that he is not using drugs in the house, all you do know is that he may be cleaning up any traces of using and that could change also.
DL it is your life, it is your child's life. None of us here can tell you what to do, we can only give you suggestions and opinions.
My opinion for what it is worth, if I were you, I would file for divorce. I would change the locks. I would let the court set 'visitation' and child support. I would get on with taking care of my child and me. I would sit back and watch to see where his addiction takes him and watch his actions. If he starts 'visiting' his child 'high' I would go back to court to get 'visitation' changed to his being tested b4 visitation and supervised visitation. That is me.
Each of us is different. So ............................................. what is your plan?
Love and hugs,
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