my feelings/thoughts while in active addiction
 

just want to share my feelings while active in my addiction.

the times i spent seperated from my loved ones due to my drug use were the most miserable of all of my days using. in my mind, i loved and missed my family dearly, but my actions didn't show it and they did believe that i didn't care about them. they believed that if i cared about them then i would "just stop" using. they couldn't relate to the fact that i couldn't "just stop". drugs were controlling me and my actions.

although i didn't try to find someone else, my mind often told me that doing so may help me to ease the pain of not being with my loved ones or it would help me to be able to stay high so that i wouldn't have to feel the pain, if only for a minute at a time. it really was all about drowning out my pain and staying high is the only thing i thought would help a bit.

my doc had such a strong hold on my life until i felt i was a disappointment and disgrace to myself and to them, i felt unlovable. my absence and my going awol, had nothing at all to do with them. they were there and had done all they could and just couldn't take anymore of watching me destroy myself. being in their presence caused me to feel even more embarrassed of being the junkie that i so desperately didn't want tp be.

my intentions were always to figure out how to get clean on my own but without seeking help so i could go back around and rebuild my life with my family but my addiction just wouldn't let me do what i thought i really wanted to do. my addiction wouldn't let me do what i though i could do on my own.

them cutting me off and letting me fall, is really what did it for me. i was left to myself, homeless, hungry, no job, no money and no family, it sent me begging for help and was willing to do whatever it took to get free from drugs. trust me, it was the best thing my family ever did for me.

over the yrs, i've been in and out of rehabs and meetings and to this day, i'm yet to meet a recovering addict with good sobriety, who didn't nearly lose all before thay got sober and was desperate about doing whatever it took to stay sober.

on the other hand, i felt the same way when it came to my astrainged addict husband, that he didn't care and the works but according to my active experience, it kind of kept me stuck with him because i thought i understood how he must have felt having to face us while trying to fight his addiction even though we were drowning fast alone with him.

to this day as far as i know, the only time out of the 21yrs that he's had any amount of sobriety is when his mother, who is his most devoted enabler, moved to the other side of the country, leaving him alone to deal or not deal with his own addiction. he found his way into rehab and stayed clean for a good 8 months until she came back to give him a warm bed, food and bus fare.
i know i can't change him or her so there he still goes and today i accept that. thanks to my hp whom i call god, meetings and you guys. sorry for being so long winded, i just wanted to ramble a little.

ps. i believe my family found the strength to let me fall after enabling and watching addiction kill my little brother.

Thank you for sharing this. So important for us to realize that loving our addicts from a safe distance, setting (and sticking to!) clear boundaries, and taking care of ourselves works not only in our favor, but most times in our addicts' favor, too.

I am glad you have sought recovery and even happier that you are here to share your wisdom with us! Keep doing what you're doing.

For totally selfish reason this is important to me. I understand that addiction can rule ones life. As a healthy (at least non-addict) person it is confusing when a person says they care and their actions do not match. it is of some small comfort knowing that when she said she cared, or would rather be with me she probably meant it...but was just unable to overcome the obsticle (draw of the addiction) to express it in actions. I am sure that there are some addicts who don't mean it, and are purely being manipulative, but clearly not all, at least not all of the time.

It is hard for me to imagine the internal struggle of wanting to love, be loved, and feel secure with your family and significant other but then having such a draw to using (which in all likelyhood hasn't been "fun" in a long time) that you choose that instead. That then pushes the loved ones, life you would rather have even futher away. The way I understand it too is that sometimes the internal unhappiness is so loud that even with loved ones it is too much to bear. the only relief is using. It must be a terrible place to be.

I am glad you have found your way and choose to share with all of us.

Teke:

Thanks for sharing. It gives many of us who have gone "no contact" the hope to continue doing that.

Here's a question for you, please. What if, even though your family basically closed the door on any relationship with you, what if they had initiated contact with you only to say "I/We love you." And not inviting any response back or invitation to go to lunch or anything like that. Not even having voice contact. Just an e-mail once in a while saying "I/We love you." Would that have told your addict brain that everything with your family was fine. Would that have kept you from getting to the point where you wanted to be done with your doc?

Of course I am asking because that is what I do...

Thanks in advance...

ipt, part of the reason why i wanted to share this is because of the pain i feel in reading stories of thoses who are in so much pain because of having to detach from their addicts. i want to stress how important i think it is, not only for us but for them to be allowed to fall. this does not mean that its easy cause it not easy or that it has to be forever unless you choose it to be. just do it one day at a time and not get into tomorrow until tomorrow comes. i don't in no way think its selfish of you, it hurts like crazy but in the end imo, i think its best for everyone. as painful as it is for us to let go of them, its even more painful for an addict to be addicted and not be able to "just quit".

out of all the addicts i've ever met active or non active,i don't know one who would gut level honestly, say they are happy being an addict. its the most miserable, depressing and the hardest thing i ever had to deal with in all my 55yrs.of life.

soujouner, to the answer to your question, my family did tell me they loved me, encouraged and offered to help me get in rehab, but it was that strong hold of the drugs that wouldn't let me think that rehab was not something to be dreaded. no matter how i could have ranted and rave, they still left me alone.

i can still remember walking home in the pouring rain one day after bingeing, they blow the car horn, waved and drove right pass. boy did that hurt and i'm sure it must have hurt them but god gave them strength, and you know, even if they had not told me, in my heart of hearts, i knew they loved me, just not my addiction and behavior, i also knew that they may have felt guilty for it but i was eventually able to stress to them how unselfish their actions really ended up being to/for me. how their actions is what got my attention.

at the time though, my mind i, convinced myself that i had the meanest family on the face of the earth but when i finally did find my way and they saw my determination to stay sober by watching my actions, my life with my family slowly began to rebuild itself. today my relationship with all of them is even better than it was before addiction. today i'm eternally grateful for their strength and their actions. i hit my bottom and i know if they had not left me to my own destruction, i'd still be using.



we have to do whatever we have to to take care of ourselves, in turn, we may or may not be helping our addicts more than we'll know until they began to seek recovery.

Thank you, teke, for a beautiful post.

My belief is that addicts are different at different stages of their addiction. In early and middle addiction, my understanding is that the drugs are still fun and because they are still fun, the addict resents and rejects anyone who comes between him and the drug. It just feels too good. Better than love. Better than sex. The drug comes first.

Then in late addiction, the drug turns on the addict and the death spiral begins. Physical, spiritual, mental, emotional death, day after day. But the addiction is now so wired in, so fused into the addict's brain, that escape seems nearly impossible. The addict begins to lose everything he swore he would never lose and do things he swore he would never do. He also cuts off everyone who loves him, for many of the reasons you described. His being is now consumed by the demon of addiction.

No one can change that, except the addict, and even when he wants to change it, part of him wants not to. The addict part of himself is powerful, it now controls everything he does, every choice he makes.

Some addicts just don't break out of that prison.

I'm so glad you are here, to tell your story, in your freedom.

Bluejay

Aaaawww Teke... I have tears coming down my face right now after reading your last post. Thank you for adding more and answering the good questions.

During the meditation retreat.. I heard that when someone hurts you ... they are hurting 10 times the amount you are hurting...... in order for them to hurt you.

I know that my *x* didn't have cruel intentions. I know he loved me to the best he was able. God... if only our love was enough.... enough to take away the pain of addiction.

Teke... thank you again for sharing your courage, strength and experience.

yes abundance, i heard that too. my mil aways would always say to me "hurting people hurt other people" and its not always because they don't love you, they just don't love themselves. boy this junk do hurt. i'm like you, wouldn't it be nice if love was all that it took.

Thank you so much for sharing this Teke. ((((((((HUGS))))))))

Add my thanks too, Teke.

Addiction and codependency don't make "sense", they are both unhealthy behaviours that escalate as time passes. It took me forever to let go, because it didn't make sense to let go of trying to save my son until I was at the point in my life where I knew that addiction would kill me if I stayed attached to it, even remotely through my codependency.

Sharing what you did here, helps family members more than you can know and brings hope that no matter how bad things appear to be, there is always hope for a better tomorrow.

Hugs

(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) and thanks teke

Thank you so much for this post. It really helps me to put things into perspective. I've thought about this a lot... that even though I've detached myself, just my being there is still enabling. I wrote in my last post about him losing out on his dreams, and part of me thinks that the only way he may get to have his dreams is if I leave and let him fall.

Thanks teke for a great post filled with just what I needed to hear.

Also, many good responses, thoughts and questions by others.

what i thought to be my broken dreams was just an addition to all the other stuff that i was hurting about. feeling like a failure, another excuse to stay stuck in active mode. soon all my broken dreams almost became second nature to the struggle to getting drugs then to "just quit" using.

even when i would make a declaration that i "quit" to myself, seem like as soon as i did, some unseen force got busy. someone would give me drugs, i would find it, see a street sign that would remind me to crave, anything and everything. once time, in my mind, even all the little kids,( I'M TAKING BABIES), looked like dealers and reminded me to crave.

i got in some legal trouble, writing checks(insufficent funds) and i remember praying at the counter that god would not allow them to cash the checks. i needed my hp to protect me from my own self. guess what, it worked and i got caught. thank my hp that i got caught before i had to do time. my point is, i wasn't trying to hurt my family or anyone. my addictive mind always told me that some how i could fix it before noticed, but the powerful force of addiction would not let me do what i knew was right to do.i think this is where "don't take it personal comes in" comes in. my going awol didn't mean i didn't care about others, the drugs take over and its such a struggle to push away once you get started using and its the hardest thing not to start using if there is opportunity. god only knows how miserable i was.

i NEEDED someone to step in,step back and let me suffer the consequence of my actions, even though at the time i thought it was a cruel thing for anybody to do to me.

i'd heard if you just do this or that then i could "quit". believe me, in my mind, i tried all kinds of ways to try to stop, even though my family couldn't tell and by then, i felt it was useless to try to get them to see it.(just my addictive thinking). i thought i could do it on my own, but again to fail those attempts affirmed me as a failure. i hit my bottom and all i wanted to do was find a way to "just say no" and it always felt like if i was gonna get help, there seem to be only a small window of opportunity, small moment of clarity before the cravings and pulling would just take over. i became desperate. today when i still have the thought of using, i can remember how miserable and how hard it was using and trying to get free. those images is what help me to stay sober today. so hitting my bottom with all my struggles turned out to be a good think for me and i know i'll be ok as long as i don't forget to be grateful and to continue to do whatever i have to do.

there was no way that anyone could really help me reach my bottom, only thing anyone could have done for me was to step back, take care of themselves and pray that i find my own bottom before it was to late. just to say, everyones bottom is not the same, an individual thing.

i ready hope this makes some kind of sense, i want to say its never your fault. i'm learning daily how to keep the focus on me, protecting me/kids, not expecting anything from my ah but to keep praying that he will find his bottom soon. it does get better and easier.

teke

Thanks so much for writing this. It is wonderful to hear you are doing well. I am sure it is a daily struggle sometimes. My son is my addict and as a mother am trying to understand how an addicts mind works. I truly believe no one really wants to live like that. You were lucky your bottom came before legal troubles but like you said everyone's bottom is different. My son is in jail now and going to be sent to a rehab for a year. He has been through several expensive ones and we can not afford to help anymore. He knows what he has to do. Before this relapse he was clean for a year. I have a hard time trying to understand how when things finally got good for him, good job, nice apartment, good support group he could go back to using. Even he says he doesn't know other than the fact he stopped doing what he should be doing.

Just curious did you end up in a rehab or stop on your own?

Best of luck to you.

Teke, this was so enlightening. I am waiting for my ad to go the full recovery. She is apparently clean, but is not doing a program. I,m hoping that someday we can have a strong relationship again. She is forced to stay clean or could go back to jail or even prison.

teke, Thank you so much for this insightful post. It is truly difficult for loved ones to understand what goes on in an addicts mind. This sheds some light.

Heck, it's hard to know what goes on in our own mind at times!

Last night at the Al-Anon meeting the topic was "the gifts al-anon has given you". I believe you are a gift to this board.

Teke, Thanks so much for writing this. It gives perspective into the mind of an addict and what might possibly be going through it.

Keep it up. :)
~Limiya~

i honesty couldn't do it on my own, i tried many many times. i went through 5 or 6 rehabs and detox, eventually relapsing until the last time. once i was 9yrs sober then relapsed,5yrs then relapsed and now i'm at 7yr. its is so easy to relapse. just out of the blue sometimes i still get that thought to use but so far i've been immediately reminded of my bottom days. i have to keep myself aware of my addiction by doing things that would keep me focused. it took for me to change friends, avoid places and even things that could wake up my addiction and catch me off guard, go to and participate in meetings. there have been times that i would find myself using before i realized i was using. thats how hard it was for me.

i'm glad to see that your son is gonna be going to rehab. the longer they stay, the better chance they have. even then its up to him. i think he has to find himself in a place where its a do or die situation for him. i think he too is one of the lucky ones. even though he's in jail, he has a chance to make it out before death. thats where i was lucky at,too. i didn't die out there. each time i stopped using and began doing the next best things, my life would get better, but it can only take one slip and addiction don't start over, it takes up where it left off.

imo,its ok that you can't afford to send him to one of those expensive resort kind of rehabs, most of them basically have the same principals and tools.the first time i went to rehab, i learned the tools and how to use them but the hardest part was being consistent in using the tools and noone could help me with that, encourage me enough to do it, it was something i had to do own my own and because i wanted it.

i nor was my family could afford to help me get in to rehab, i had to fine my own way into the state run rehabs. that was ok though, if they had told me that i had to spin around 3 times after i touched the moon to get sober and stay sober, i was so mess up and desperate i would have been trying to figure out which direction was i suppose to spin after i touch the moon. trust me, its ok to let go and let him find his own way. he'll be grateful that you did in the end, i know i was.

i'm praying that this will be your son's time to be committed to staying his couse and praying for strength for you.

Teke, You were one of the people that convinced me that letting go of my daughter was really a kindness to her. I printed the things that you pm'd me and read them over and over during the days that I was hurting so much when I had no contact with Megan. When Megan finally decided to get clean I do believe that part of the reason was her loneliness. A few days before she called to go to rehab, she stopped by our house for about 10 minutes. I had not seen her for 5 months. I could really feel her loneliness and pain that day. I never stopped loving her and she knew that but I did put up that boundary that I did not want addiction on my doorstep. Megan has told me since she has gotten clean how important my putting those boundaries up were to her. She said that she knew that when she was ready to get clean that I would support her in her recovery because I refused to support her in her addiction. She has almost 15 months clean and is going back to college next week. I know that she was the one who had to decide to get clean but I do feel that my letting her go was just as important in the process. Thanks for sharing. Hugs, Marle