tailspin - xagf contacted me
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tailspin - xagf contacted me
So I dreaded this day. My ex still has a few things at my place. She texted me today “if you didn’t trash my things please let me know when I can come by and get them and drop off your things also. Thank you”.
I find myself very hurt from this text. First off, that she thinks I would ”trash” her stuff. I guess that is what people in her life do but I have always treated her and her stuff with respect. She has had that concern before and I have never not once done anything to her belongings, she knows that. After all the time we were together I almost find it offensive that she would say that and see me like that.
Second, I am pissed. That’s it? The last communicative text I got from her when I was looking for answers and reaching out to her was “I am not ignoring you. You hurt me too. I am not ready to talk yet”. That was 5 weeks ago and we hadn’t spoken or seen each other for almost 3 weeks before that. Now that’s it? No “I’m sorry”, or “this is what happened”, just nothing but her stuff. It makes me, our relationship and all my efforts feel so meaningless.
I am trying to figure out how to respond to this. Of course I want her to know that I loved her and would never trash her stuff. I want her to know I am and was hurt by her actions or lack thereof. I'm hurt that it seems so trivial now.
I’m in a bit of a tailspin. Funny how yesterday I was needing a boost…maybe the universe was telling me this was coming.
I find myself very hurt from this text. First off, that she thinks I would ”trash” her stuff. I guess that is what people in her life do but I have always treated her and her stuff with respect. She has had that concern before and I have never not once done anything to her belongings, she knows that. After all the time we were together I almost find it offensive that she would say that and see me like that.
Second, I am pissed. That’s it? The last communicative text I got from her when I was looking for answers and reaching out to her was “I am not ignoring you. You hurt me too. I am not ready to talk yet”. That was 5 weeks ago and we hadn’t spoken or seen each other for almost 3 weeks before that. Now that’s it? No “I’m sorry”, or “this is what happened”, just nothing but her stuff. It makes me, our relationship and all my efforts feel so meaningless.
I am trying to figure out how to respond to this. Of course I want her to know that I loved her and would never trash her stuff. I want her to know I am and was hurt by her actions or lack thereof. I'm hurt that it seems so trivial now.
I’m in a bit of a tailspin. Funny how yesterday I was needing a boost…maybe the universe was telling me this was coming.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Sounds like quacking to me, like this is just another way to suck you in yet again.
Let me ask you a question -- how important is the stuff of yours to you that she still has? Is it irreplaceable?
If not, I suggest that you let go of that stuff of yours and consider it payment for the peace of mind and serenity you will eventually experience when she is completely out of your life. And believe me, there will be a time when you reach that point, although it may not feel that way now.
As for her stuff that you still have, no one says that you have to be there to give it to her. Pack it up and leave it in a secure place. Let her know that it's there. You don't have to even tell her that you won't be there.
You are doing so well. Why risk the progress you've made by seeing her again?
ETA: Think of it this way -- if you were the addict, and your ex was your drug of choice, would you want to put yourself in this type of situation? Or would you do everything in your power to stay out of this situation? As they say in most 12 step programs, "play that tape all the way through" in your head. What makes you think seeing her again is a good idea? What positive outcomes could possibly result from a meeting with her?
Good luck.
Let me ask you a question -- how important is the stuff of yours to you that she still has? Is it irreplaceable?
If not, I suggest that you let go of that stuff of yours and consider it payment for the peace of mind and serenity you will eventually experience when she is completely out of your life. And believe me, there will be a time when you reach that point, although it may not feel that way now.
As for her stuff that you still have, no one says that you have to be there to give it to her. Pack it up and leave it in a secure place. Let her know that it's there. You don't have to even tell her that you won't be there.
You are doing so well. Why risk the progress you've made by seeing her again?
ETA: Think of it this way -- if you were the addict, and your ex was your drug of choice, would you want to put yourself in this type of situation? Or would you do everything in your power to stay out of this situation? As they say in most 12 step programs, "play that tape all the way through" in your head. What makes you think seeing her again is a good idea? What positive outcomes could possibly result from a meeting with her?
Good luck.
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I think that's the way the universe usually works 
Maybe it isn't YOU she thinks would trash her stuff per se; but perhaps that is how SHE thinks. People often project their own feelings onto others.
I personally wouldn't engage with her. What's the point? If you are TRULY breaking this relationship to end your codependency, then know you get absolutely NOTHING from an active addict that isn't self-serving for them. She isn't there for you. YOU are there for you. Take care of yourself, protect yourself. Set her stuff outside and tell her when would be a good time to pick it up. You can choose to be there or choose to leave when she comes. Again, be sure you are taking care of yourself and not intentionally putting yourself into a situation where YOU are going to suffer needless pain.
It's over, right?
Maybe it isn't YOU she thinks would trash her stuff per se; but perhaps that is how SHE thinks. People often project their own feelings onto others.
I personally wouldn't engage with her. What's the point? If you are TRULY breaking this relationship to end your codependency, then know you get absolutely NOTHING from an active addict that isn't self-serving for them. She isn't there for you. YOU are there for you. Take care of yourself, protect yourself. Set her stuff outside and tell her when would be a good time to pick it up. You can choose to be there or choose to leave when she comes. Again, be sure you are taking care of yourself and not intentionally putting yourself into a situation where YOU are going to suffer needless pain.
It's over, right?
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Originally Posted by peaceteach 
It's over, right?
I know I cannot be there when she gets her stuff. I will put in the garage and she can get while I am at work. I truly do not think she wants to see me anyway. It would be way out of her comfort zone.
I guess a part of me wants to use this to help me get some sort of closure or apology of some sort. Maybe I need to hear something that tells me I was important to her. That she does miss me the way I do her. It's messed up I guess, but it's how I feel...and right now I am not in a good place.....
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
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I can hear my abf texting something like that down the road. It's a pitty party and she is looking for you to tell her that you love her and would never do that to her stuff. I agree with the post about leaving her stuff in a secure location for her to pick up. I have a feeling nothing good would come from you seeing her...
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I guess a part of me wants to use this to help me get some sort of closure or apology of some sort. Maybe I need to hear something that tells me I was important to her. That she does miss me the way I do her.
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Heck IPT, I still care about my exhusband's life, and feel bad about what he's doing to himself and his relationship (or lack of it) with our kids. But I TRULY know now that it is completely out of my hands, that he is so wrapped up in his addiction to alcohol that he may never come out of it - given the progressive nature of addiction and all.
I agree with Anvil -- we can still care, just keep a BIIGGG distance between you and them, because YOU are liable to get hurt. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You have made the change; keep it up. You are doing great. And venting here is so healthy, and so safe. Just don't do it with her anymore, trust me. She does not hold your heart the way you hold hers. She will hurt your heart without even realizing it, or on purpose, or to manipulate, or for a million reasons. Just give US your heart here, where you are safe and cared for. TAKE CARE OF YOU in this, IPT. It's the right thing to do.
I agree with Anvil -- we can still care, just keep a BIIGGG distance between you and them, because YOU are liable to get hurt. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You have made the change; keep it up. You are doing great. And venting here is so healthy, and so safe. Just don't do it with her anymore, trust me. She does not hold your heart the way you hold hers. She will hurt your heart without even realizing it, or on purpose, or to manipulate, or for a million reasons. Just give US your heart here, where you are safe and cared for. TAKE CARE OF YOU in this, IPT. It's the right thing to do.
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you guys are so awesome - thank you!
Isn't funny how that makes me sad in a way. Feel like I am not needed, was not that important afterall. All part of my sickness I guess.
This is what has been told to me time and time again. On some level I know it, but I have not fully grasped it...deep down. Just seems impossible that that is the way it is.
Maybe, maybe like has been said she just wants her stuff back. It’s me that wants to tell her the I cared for you thing (how can you do this too me).
:wtf2
Originally Posted by anvilhead
if she was able to text you, then she still has thumbs at least!!! why not assume she's doing just fine.......maybe not YOUR definition of fine, but whatever is working for her? her way.......
Originally Posted by truthhurts
You are expecting something from someone who cannot possibly give you what you are looking for.
Originally Posted by justtired
It's a pitty party and she is looking for you to tell her that you love her and would never do that to her stuff.
:wtf2
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It’s me that wants to tell her the I cared for you thing (how can you do this too me).
Yes, we are as guilty as our addicts of emotional manipulation. Always trying to control the outcome.
I am glad that you realized this about this situation.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I guess a part of me wants to use this to help me get some sort of closure or apology of some sort. Maybe I need to hear something that tells me I was important to her.
She is an addict and unfortunately lives in a different reality.
You are growing and have come a long.
I think the above suggestions are great! Just pack her things up, leave in a safe place, and you don't have to be there when she comes to get them.
Hang in there, you will get through this!
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
IPT,
My EXBF did this trick too awile back when we broke up.....it was all just an excuse to get his foot back in the door. I wasn't strong enough then to resist his charms and back in the door i let him....Big mistake as nothing was any different and within a week we were back to the same old thing. BTW, he never even took the stuff he came to pick up then in fact, i still have it!!! I anticipate my phone will ring again at some point asking for his stuff back and this time he will get it by UPS or FEDEX delivery. No other response from me needed. In fact, i may just do that now to avoid this trap in the future.
My EXBF did this trick too awile back when we broke up.....it was all just an excuse to get his foot back in the door. I wasn't strong enough then to resist his charms and back in the door i let him....Big mistake as nothing was any different and within a week we were back to the same old thing. BTW, he never even took the stuff he came to pick up then in fact, i still have it!!! I anticipate my phone will ring again at some point asking for his stuff back and this time he will get it by UPS or FEDEX delivery. No other response from me needed. In fact, i may just do that now to avoid this trap in the future.
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IPT,
I've been following your posts and note several similarities between your ex and mine. The quotes aren't exact, but the distorted thinking is familiar to everyone here. For that matter, almost all the stories of active addiction are the same, it's just the details may differ a little.
I've come a long way in my recovery via the grace of distance from active addiction. And I've come to realize the rub for me, in part, was that I allowed someone to control almost all the facets of relationships, via suffocating pathology, only to walk away, arrogantly pretending to have it all together. A part of addiction is that arrogance and sudo-detachment protect the addict from reality. IT'S WHAT ADDICTS DO, but it is also an individuals right to think no matter how they desire, despite how dysfunctional I may judge their thinking to be. I simply have the choice as to how much dysfunctional thinking/behavior I allow to be injected into MY life.
Today, and though not perfectly, my ego doesn't have to rise to the occasion to do battle and 'right' dysfunctional thinking, arrogance, or sudo-states-of-mind... I can give up my 'right' for someone else's 'wrong' to live as they see fit, given that 'wrong' isn't a detriment to my well being or negatively impact MY life, choices, dreams, or desires.
Try to see communication with an active addict as distorted rather than functionally detached... try to see the arrogance as a defense rather than personal... and try to see the uncaring as incapable. And please do remember that you have the power of choice to disengage from any such communication.
Hang in there, brother, it does get better... WE get better with or without the 'ending to things' we may feel falsely entitled to. Sometimes, the best we can do is let go of the ending we desire and accept the one that is.
Great line from a song, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
Many Blessings,
Shaman
I've been following your posts and note several similarities between your ex and mine. The quotes aren't exact, but the distorted thinking is familiar to everyone here. For that matter, almost all the stories of active addiction are the same, it's just the details may differ a little.
I've come a long way in my recovery via the grace of distance from active addiction. And I've come to realize the rub for me, in part, was that I allowed someone to control almost all the facets of relationships, via suffocating pathology, only to walk away, arrogantly pretending to have it all together. A part of addiction is that arrogance and sudo-detachment protect the addict from reality. IT'S WHAT ADDICTS DO, but it is also an individuals right to think no matter how they desire, despite how dysfunctional I may judge their thinking to be. I simply have the choice as to how much dysfunctional thinking/behavior I allow to be injected into MY life.
Today, and though not perfectly, my ego doesn't have to rise to the occasion to do battle and 'right' dysfunctional thinking, arrogance, or sudo-states-of-mind... I can give up my 'right' for someone else's 'wrong' to live as they see fit, given that 'wrong' isn't a detriment to my well being or negatively impact MY life, choices, dreams, or desires.
Try to see communication with an active addict as distorted rather than functionally detached... try to see the arrogance as a defense rather than personal... and try to see the uncaring as incapable. And please do remember that you have the power of choice to disengage from any such communication.
Hang in there, brother, it does get better... WE get better with or without the 'ending to things' we may feel falsely entitled to. Sometimes, the best we can do is let go of the ending we desire and accept the one that is.
Great line from a song, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
Many Blessings,
Shaman
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Thanks everyone...
For some reason this gives me comfort. We give so much to them, it is too painfull to accept that they didn't really care, that we were really that blind. I prefer to see it as they did their best. Cared and loved us as best as they could but sadly with their current mental state and capablilites that was just a lot less than what we deserved or needed...
I prefer to feel compassion and empathy for her than anger and hatred.
Originally Posted by SHAMAN
Try to see communication with an active addict as distorted rather than functionally detached... try to see the arrogance as a defense rather than personal... and try to see the uncaring as incapable.
I prefer to feel compassion and empathy for her than anger and hatred.
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IPT - I could bet big money she's just fishing. She's sticking her toe in the water to see how/if you'll respond. QUACK QUACK QUACK.
Please - you've made so much progress....just keep moving forward. If you don't and you're in the same mess 6 months from now you'll be kicking yourself for "wasting 4 AND A HALF years of your life". After all you've learned here, you know what is what.
Please - you've made so much progress....just keep moving forward. If you don't and you're in the same mess 6 months from now you'll be kicking yourself for "wasting 4 AND A HALF years of your life". After all you've learned here, you know what is what.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
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Posts: 4,671
hi, i think it could be a way to manipulate her way back into your life. each time my ah left and was ready to try to come back, he used the same trick needing to pick up something. it was only a way to feel his way back into my life, only to start the same old drama ending with the same old result. that behavior kept me sucked in the relationship for 21 yrs. btw, each time, he too would forget about the things he had come to pick up.
finally i decided to send his things by a relative. i knew if i listen to his junk, i would probably fall for the junk and still end up hurting even worse than before.
i agree with sending her things or placing them in a safe place so she can get them herself.
finally i decided to send his things by a relative. i knew if i listen to his junk, i would probably fall for the junk and still end up hurting even worse than before.
i agree with sending her things or placing them in a safe place so she can get them herself.
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Thanks again everyone for being there, and caring 
. AH - it helps to know how you felt about him despite the choices you made. Thanks for your sharing your experience.
When I look back at all she has sent me (overview in my head – I did not go read all the saved stuff) she has many times said things to this effect…. I am not healthy, you are wonderful and deserve more…. I am too unhealthy to be in a relationship…. I do not care about myself, but I do care about you so I feel that you are better off without me…. I do not believe in myself, you did, and now you are hurting because of it. I need to stop that (so I am breaking up with you)….You have given me hope when I had none, for that I am eternally grateful….
I ignored everyone all of it and fought to get her to “try it again”, and she usually would. A buddy of mine the other day noted that the last time we were with him he felt that she was only 60% there. Her mind was elsewhere. She was always like that (even if she was straight). I am not convinced she wants back, and that is okay. She knows she needs space, has many “problems”, in not healthy, she has told me that many, many, times. I was usually the one to pull her back to me. It was only several months ago when I got stood up by her one time to many after my boundaries were well established that I said “that’s it”. That was the only time that she made any effort to try and rekindle.
I guess it’s neither here nor there at this point. I cannot go back. Way too much bad blood between us, too many lies, too many failures and empty promises. Even if she started a program tomorrow the road would be too long and her needs to selfish for me ever to be happy there. I cannot get back on the merry –go-round to keep ending up at the same place again and again like I did.
Addict/codie, or even a healthy relationship, who doesn’t want to feel needed, or wanted though? Who wouldn’t want to know that if you were out of that “other person’s life” that they would be missing you? Is that not human nature? I think I just miss being missed, being wanted…
I wrote up a text, I am sitting on it. I told her that she knows I am a better person than that. That she lied to me, used me, but “trashing” her stuff wasn’t going to change that. Her stuff will be in the garage by “x” date in exactly the condition she left it and she can get it whenever she wants during the day while I’m at work.
. AH - it helps to know how you felt about him despite the choices you made. Thanks for your sharing your experience. When I look back at all she has sent me (overview in my head – I did not go read all the saved stuff) she has many times said things to this effect…. I am not healthy, you are wonderful and deserve more…. I am too unhealthy to be in a relationship…. I do not care about myself, but I do care about you so I feel that you are better off without me…. I do not believe in myself, you did, and now you are hurting because of it. I need to stop that (so I am breaking up with you)….You have given me hope when I had none, for that I am eternally grateful….
I ignored everyone all of it and fought to get her to “try it again”, and she usually would. A buddy of mine the other day noted that the last time we were with him he felt that she was only 60% there. Her mind was elsewhere. She was always like that (even if she was straight). I am not convinced she wants back, and that is okay. She knows she needs space, has many “problems”, in not healthy, she has told me that many, many, times. I was usually the one to pull her back to me. It was only several months ago when I got stood up by her one time to many after my boundaries were well established that I said “that’s it”. That was the only time that she made any effort to try and rekindle.
I guess it’s neither here nor there at this point. I cannot go back. Way too much bad blood between us, too many lies, too many failures and empty promises. Even if she started a program tomorrow the road would be too long and her needs to selfish for me ever to be happy there. I cannot get back on the merry –go-round to keep ending up at the same place again and again like I did.
Addict/codie, or even a healthy relationship, who doesn’t want to feel needed, or wanted though? Who wouldn’t want to know that if you were out of that “other person’s life” that they would be missing you? Is that not human nature? I think I just miss being missed, being wanted…
I wrote up a text, I am sitting on it. I told her that she knows I am a better person than that. That she lied to me, used me, but “trashing” her stuff wasn’t going to change that. Her stuff will be in the garage by “x” date in exactly the condition she left it and she can get it whenever she wants during the day while I’m at work.
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I told her that she knows I am a better person than that. That she lied to me, used me, but “trashing” her stuff wasn’t going to change that.
If I were you (which I am not) I would leave this part out of the text message and simply let her know when and where she can pick up her stuff.
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Originally Posted by IPT
I almost find it offensive that she would say that and see me like that.
Originally Posted by IPT
Now that’s it? No “I’m sorry”, or “this is what happened”, just nothing but her stuff.
You are expecting something rational from a person who incapable of rational thinking....
Expectations are nothing but pre-meditated resentments. Resentments do no harm to others, only to ourselves... You were making good strides prior to this text, do you see how toxic her life is to yours? Please step away, for yourself.
Originally Posted by IPT
I am trying to figure out how to respond to this. Of course I want her to know that I loved her and would never trash her stuff. I want her to know I am and was hurt by her actions or lack thereof.
Originally Posted by IPT
I wrote up a text, I am sitting on it. I told her that she knows I am a better person than that. That she lied to me, used me, but “trashing” her stuff wasn’t going to change that.
Remember the definition of insanity is repeating the same things over and over and expecting different results.........
Hang in there... small steps forward towards finding YOU and being comfortable with who YOU are... There will be steps backwards, like this, they key is to apply what you have learned to KEEP moving forward....
Sending much love and positive energy your way.......
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by IPT
When I look back at all she has sent me (overview in my head – I did not go read all the saved stuff) she has maguess it’s neither here nor there at this point. I cannot go back. Way too much bad blood between us, too ny times said things to this effect…. I am not healthy, you are wonderful and deserve more…. I am too unhealthy to be in a relationship…. I do not care about myself, but I do care about you so I feel that you are better off without me…. I do not believe in myself, you did, and now you are hurting because of it. I need to stop that (so I am breaking up with you)….You have given me hope when I had none, for that I am eternally grateful….
I ignored everyone all of it and fought to get her to “try it again”, and she usually would. A buddy of mine the other day noted that the last time we were with him he felt that she was only 60% there. Her mind was elsewhere. She was always like that (even if she was straight). I am not convinced she wants back, and that is okay. She knows she needs space, has many “problems”, in not healthy, she has told me that many, many, times. I was usually the one to pull her back to me. It was only several months ago when I got stood up by her one time to many after my boundaries were well established that I said “that’s it”. That was the only time that she made any effort to try and rekindle.
i really think you are doing so well right now. usually just when i found myself doing well in the past, i'd get a call from him about anything.
once i sent all his things when he first left and the only excuse he could come up with being a reason why he need to contact me was to borrow a little toothpaste wrapped in a little foil. go figure, it would have taken him a 2 hour bus ride to get it. imo, it would have been just an open door for him to start his manipulating tricks.
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