Abundance

IPT...... thinking of you.

My *x* went around my no contact this past weekend....... texted me from another person's phone. I ignored it.

I get the feeling that you feel like you have to defend yourself against her thinking that you would actually destroy her things. Once she sees that her things are not destroyed...... that will be your final answer! *wink! We all know what words are..... they mean nothing when compared to action. Ya know? So - why waste your breath?

This weekend - I had a friend over..... and we were going to watch some bootleg DVDs that my *x* left with me. Well.... we went to watch the Hendrix DVD.....and ... ummmmmmmmm.... it was a XXX *hardcore* amateur video. OMG!!! I couldn't believe it. Awkward - I think so!!! I'm just glad I found it and my kids didn't!!!!!

Anywho... later in the day - for about 2 minutes I actually *thought* about what to do with that DVD. Do I send it with his mail that keeps coming here? Do I keep it or throw it away..... ?

And you know what? ....... just *THINKING* about it was draining! I think about the time I won't get back on useless thoughts that mean nothing in the end! Ya know? So..... you actually sending that to her... when your PROOF is in the pudding when she picks up the belongings..... it's just double duty - if you will.

Anyway - when she gets her belongings....... get together with some friends... and celebrate!!!!!!

Don't waste your precious time or energy....... she does not deserve it. People earn and then deserve your "gift"! mmmmmmmm k?~!

IPT

As I was driving to work I was thinking about that. How much energy I am spending on thinking what I want to write. I thought I was done, but I see how esy it is to get pulled into it! How sick is it that I can see getting pulled into this again and then in a months time realize nothing has changed and I am miserable.


I guess if I am honest, several things. To remind her I am a good person, better than those she chooses to be with. I don’t know what I expect…I guess to be validated. To have her see she messed up and lost something good. Maybe even admit it. You’re right though, there would be some expectation with that and I would just get hurt.

God, it is toxic, but it draws you in like a mega magnet! For all I know she couldn’t care less, just wants her stuff and I am wasting tons of time and energy analyzing it. I’m back to wishing it could be different, not wanting to FULLY let go of this. To those of you who are successfully in recovery from addiction (codie or drug use) I give you a thunderous applaud.

What the heck is a normal life like? Don’t regular relationships have stuff like this? I can’t even remember anymore?

Abundance

WHICH is why I had to do the No Contact Rule. I would finally get to the point where he isn't on my mind 24/7...... and then a text message comes through. And I'm right back where I was!

Silence is golden...

Anything you "tell" her - falls on deaf ears. The day my *x* was leaving - he was telling me that he had no idea of these things I was telling him - the reasons why I had had enough. I was astonished.... because not only had he been IN the "R".... he most definitely heard it...... it all had just fallen on deaf ears and/or numbed heart and soul.

Don't waste your energy..... turn that focus on you. Remember..... WE TEACH WHAT WE ALLOW. So.... with every action/non-action/verbal/non-verbal .... we are showing how we want to be treated!

When I put my boys in a time out - if they ask me how much longer...... they just get put in for longer... cause they overstepped the rules in time out..... which is NO talking! Sure - I could "tell" them ... "sssssssh no talking"...... but it doesn't work! SO.... I have to "SHOW" them.... which is by adding more time on! Get it?

It's all in the ACTion!!!!!

teke

not funny but your question made me chuckle, i'm 2yrs out and feeling pretty peaceful and sometimes i guess, happy, but i still can't imagine what a healthy relationship might look like. believe it or not, i'm still not ready to be open enough to find out. i like my life today considering where i've come from even though i'm no where near where i want to be or feel like i should be. i'm still grateful and except the fact my life is the consequences of my staying stuck for so long.

i'm glad to see you moving on and doing so good, through all of your pain.

Abundance

So far.... for me... not being involved with someone who is giving less than what I was giving/wanting. Not being involved with someone who lies and surrounding myself around authentic people and having authentic relationships. HMMMM... I'd have to say... if that is considered "normal"..... then ........ it feels FABULOUS! Well - at least in comparison to what I was surrounding myself with. I cherish every moment that I realize/recognize that I'm not walking on egg shells. I'm not worried about somebody else and what they are or aren't doing.

I have friends who are in NON dysfunctional relationships...... and no.... these types of things wouldn't happen. Something *might* happen once...... but never again~! I remember asking my friend..... "what would you do if you came home and your husband was huffing or whatever you call it..... an entire box of nitrous or was getting ready to snort a line of ritalin?" She was lost for words. THAT, IPT, had become my reality. And my boundary went as low as... please just don't snort it at home! Now, I never thought I would have to *remind* him that cheating was a no-no too..... but whatever - it's what happened and it actually is what stuck the fork in me..... I WAS DONE!

Anyway -
What was your last boundary that was crossed? When you finally thought.... no flipping more..... I deserve better.
And..... in a functioning / healthy relationship - would you think that to even be a concern? I can bet you lots of money, that I don't have, that it wouldn't. People in healthy relationships aren't starving for attention from their mate, they aren't snooping around on their mate, they aren't being lied to - (Path of least resistance my arse!) - they aren't unsure about being in the relationship to begin with..... etc etc etc.

IPT - keep that focus on you..... take control of your thoughts - because they become your feelings. As soon as a thought pops in your mind, you have the power to do what you will with it! Change your mind up..... don't let her rent anymore space than she already has up there! Take note of your sensations... and how your body will change physically when you do the exercise. I go from stress in the neck/shoulders to feeling light sensations around my body. I observe the feeling of pain disappear. It's liberating and empowering!

So... what is going on now? When is she coming to get the stuff? AND what are you doing while she does? If you are working... and then you come home to her stuff being gone........ what do you have planned? If you haven't worked out a time.... I would let her know when..... and/or keep it narrowed down.... so you can get past this part.

gowest

IPT - I have read every post you've written on all your threads. I see many similarities to the way our minds work and what we want.

My (R?) addict "disappeared" on me and I was devastated even though I had a much less significant amount of time invested in my relationship than you did in yours. He was also in general "nicer" (bad word choice I know) but really that is in part because he had been in recovery for years and years and had done some of the "spiritual" work. His recovery just wasn't strong enough and when tough times hit (facing foreclosure) he relapsed spiritually and maybe technically too. I never asked knowing I couldn't control it or cure it.

After he left, I periodically emailed him, really with no expectations, because he had gone virtually no contact except to ask for his stuff back. I decided that as long as I had no expectations it was something I needed to do for me. It is where I am at in my recovery.

Low and behold I did "get him back" recently for about a week.
I was shocked that he responded and curious to see what he had to say.
I went in with no expectations. I understood that I really only had one day at a time and there was nothing I could do to control the outcome.

Some things he was able to say this time before he fled/bolted/(started using again?)
-he did still love me
-that he knew for it to ever work it would be his actions that counted not his words
-that his inability to be in the relationship had nothing to do with his feelings for me

Did any of this give him the ability to stick it out. Nope. He had just been laid off again and was again facing foreclosure.
He told me all he could do was think about using - DOC xanax.
That he had barely been going to meetings.
So his recovery was not really in an active phase like it was when I first met him.

I cried to lose him again but really it was what I had expected. He had wanted me to say hello to one of his kids and I had said no because that would have ripped my heart out and I knew better.

I just wanted to share with you that there are others of us who want the validation. I actually received some. For me it was worth it.

So at the very least don't beat yourself up for wanting what you want right now.

Also, instead of wasting a lot of my time thinking about what I would say to him I just write it down. I have over 200 unsent emails in my drafts folder. It is my version of journalling. It does help me and gives me a very clear map of how far I've come and how far I still have to go in my own recovery.

Thanks for sharing your story. It helps me.

IPT

so, I replied. I simply said "I am a better person that that and you know it. Your stuff is in exactly the same condition you left it in. You can get it from my garage next wed".....

of course I wanted to add "but you're @*#^* liar". or, "how can you live with yourself" (but she barely can really), "I'm glad that you can understand that your actions would upset someone enough that they WOULD want to hurt you (figuritively) or your stuff". Maybe even, "did you ever even care at all or was it just a big lie?" Something about this whole thing just hurts and brings back that huge pit in my stomach (not that it was gone yet, but it was less ofetn and less intense.

tjp613

I sometimes use visualization to get to a better mental place. If I were in your shoes right now, I would visualize a beautiful green meadow, with some majestic mountains in the distance and a beautiful crystal clear stream. Across this stream is an arching foot bridge. I and my ex are standing at the bridge and I can see the breeze blowing through his hair and the bright sun shining on his skin. I just lean in, give him a lingering gentle hug, and whisper in his ear, "I forgive you and I release you." I kiss him on the cheek and turn away....across the bridge and into the sparkling meadow with flowers and birds and deer....I take a deep breath....and I walk toward the sun. I am free.

(((IPT)))

IPT

I can't seem to get there. My book recommends it as one of the most improtant things and not for them but fo us. I am just still processing so many emotions, have so many feelings of resentment, anger, loss, and grief. She hurt me, at least her actions did. I feel betrayed by one person I put my total faith and trust in (though clearly based on her action i should not have done that...but I did). I'm trying...

teke

thinking about my exp. i can say, maybe she thinks you think and feel about her and her stuff like she feels about herself.(ADDICTIVE THINKING)" NOBODY LOVES ME NOBODY CARES" and telling her often don't really register, only when you enable without complaining, do the addictive mind think loved ones care. mind you, the sober mind knows you care. try not to take it personal.

i know it may not apply to all addicts but its just the way i thought.

IPT

I think you are a 100% correct.

It makes me sad. Part of what i wanted to say was "I respect you to much to do that, or I care about you too much to do that". It always seems unfair that they get the feedback about being loved and cared for when we don't. I want her to know she is cared for...but at this point it doesn't matter and like you said she wouldn't really get it either...and if she did, why should I make her feel better when all she did ws ignore my needs and hurt me in the process...

Abundance

IPT... good job for laying it down! So that gives you a whole week, incl. this weekend, to get it all together. So.... what are you going to do on Wednesday night after work?

You gotta keep busy... surround yourself around people... people who care about you!

I'll be thinking about ya!

IPT

I lost it...started a new thread...ughhh

summer017

I just read your thread and you have gotten so much great advice! Much the same advice you would be giving to me! Soo much easier from the outside looking in, right?

Continue to stay strong - Thinking of you.

IPT

Thank you Summer ... I think of you everyday , and "yes" it is way easier looking in from the outside. That is why I was hoping to catch you earlier in your relationship so you would not ever have to get into this as deep as me and many others have. As you can see it can be amazingly difficult to get yourself out once you are involved.

pm sent..

doonya

"Also, instead of wasting a lot of my time thinking about what I would say to him I just write it down. I have over 200 unsent emails in my drafts folder. It is my version of journalling. It does help me and gives me a very clear map of how far I've come and how far I still have to go in my own recovery."

IPT - I agree with gowest. This is a very good thing to do, even if you journal as well. I too have many unsent messages in my drafts folder. It really is helpful simply to compose them. Just a word of caution. I label the subject line in caps "DO NOT SEND"..... and leave the "To" line blank

rose

IPT,

Look at the life you are leading....Why, everthing you live and seek is her. Do you not think life has more to offer...stop the pity party, there is not happyess there. You are wasting your life!

Enough, you are sinking befoe her...she is not going to give you what you want....Why are you so one why thining! You need some real help, nobody should comsume you life like that, Get a grasp, I think you have a need that she toughed on and now you can't let go.

I think it is called " The Loenly Heards Called Bank"

You have to much of a heart to stay in this spot, just think one day, should she become sober, but until then you are wasting your life. Go and do what you like in life, you are living life in a shell, waiting for her to come around. You comsused with what ever you can find out with here....I am sorry but really give your head a shake, Like I said in my post...get some help!

These posts on my GF or BF is and addict, well it is sad, but how much futher do you want to take it....mmmmm, lets have some babies! Just what to you want to have come out of this, a loving famiily...Well good luck to you! You are libing in dream land!

I think you should read more posted, other than than ones that apply to you, having kids a house, how about ones that it is their child.

Yes no matter how addiction came into our lives it all still hurts, but think of the mom's and dads...they just can't go out and grab a knew chiild

Give yourself the gift, move on, Your choice my friend! Do you want to keep crying on someone's shoulder! Guess what that only goes so far.

Get off the pity wagon!

Love Ya,

Rose

IPT

Thanks people...

Rose, consumed would be a nearly accurate description, one way thinking is more to the point. What I am consumed about I guess is the deception and betrayal I feel. I guess I want an apology (and you're right it is probably never coming and in truth wouldn't really change a thing). Famliy, kids, more, never gonna happen with her and if it did it would be a nightmare. I have read others posts, as many of them as I can. It helps me tremendously. Not in a million years is she capable of that in a healthy way.

Believe it or not I have a life. I work full time in a business owned and operated by me. I own real estate, just bought a new house and am remodelling another one, building custom furniture myself for the new one. Oh, and I work out at least 5-6 times per week. I have gone out with several new women, and have turned away a bunch more.

Truth is I DO NOT WANT HER BACK...but I can't fully let go of or deal with the way it ended either. I imagine it would be somewhat akin to a loved one commiting suicide without leaving a note. There would be many unanswered questions and things to work thru. Additionally as I took down the walls of denial I lived behind, I am filled with a lot of anger and resentment about the things she did to me (and that I allowed to happen to me). That is where I am at, working thru it (seemingly every stage of loss at once it appears) without any answers or communication like I would have in a breakup with a healthy person. Without the numbing of living in denial or substance abuse. And "yes", I have been with the therapist that we saw as a couple for a while now (and he doesn't get it either (the hook she has on me)).

Like any addict I cannot have ANY exposure to my DOC...and her reaching out was my exposure. It triggered me as fast as a fuse on a firecracker, then it went off. Luckly the bang is over, now I am just picking up the pieces....

Abundance

Yeah ... IPT. You are picking up the pieces. I can relate to the "trigger"... it's similar to what happened with me earlier this month. It flipping freaked me out that I had all of these crazy emotions again!

I want to write more.... but I have to get on with writing a term paper with my SIL.

You are working through this...... and your ESH on this board..... sharing and taking us on this journey with you. You reaching out and getting help for yourself....... being in the solution and not the problem. You are growing in your recovery....

bbiab

IPT

get back that paper Abd (********{hugs}}}}} thanx