justtired

Hi All

It's been a while since I've posted. I just feel like I've hit a road block and need some support/suggestions.

I'm struggling leaving abf. Not only because I don't want to give up MY dreams, but because I don't want him to lose out on HIS dreams. He has a ring to give me. He loves me and wants to have a family with me. I know that he's in denial and can't see with open eyes his problems with addiction and it's killing me that because of this, we both have to give up on our dreams...together. And it's totally going to destroy him if I leave. He's worked his whole life to "not be like his family" so that he can raise kids in a good home. I hate addiction. I hate that he can't see it and I hate seeing him try so hard to make it work his way. I hate having conversations with him that end no better than the last one, and having him make himself believe that things are getting better. I HATE IT!

I've looked at one apartment. I have another one lined up to look at this weekend. I think it would be a good opportunity for me. I'm thinking about getting a part-time job so that my moving out isn't a financial drain on our business. LOGICALLY I know this is the right move. But nothing I think about doing seems right. I feel like I shouldn't sign a lease without telling abf I'm even thinking about moving out. It feels sneaky and dishonest to me. But I don't want to tell him that I'm thinking of moving out and risk him talking me into staying (because I still feel vulnerable). I feel like if I get a lease signed, that I'm forcing myself to stick to my decision. I also thought about moving into one of our other apartments temporarily, in which case I would get to see his reaction and maybe it would be a stepping stone so that it wouldn't seem quite so permanent and maybe be less painful.

I keep picturing the look on his face when I tell him (or leave a note as I've thought of doing... again because I don't know if I can stay strong face-to-face) and the thoughts of desperation and loss that I know he's going to feel.

I just keep going back and forth between what I KNOW LOGICALLY is best, and the emotional hurt that comes from that. How do I get past this? How do I do this even though I know it's going to destroy him? I KNOW that in a way he is making this choice, but HE doesn't know he's making this choice. Why does this have to be so dang hard???

Learn2Live

Leap and the net will appear.

liesagain

how many years now have you hung on waiting for HIS dream to be realized? how many chances? how many disappointments? it's time to let go of thinking that YOU are somehow responsible for HIS life, his dreams, his happiness. it was and shall ever be HIS, and his alone. thinking that we have the power to DESTROY another person keeps us stuck.......how he chooses to handle your leaving is UP TO HIM, his choice. if he wants to use that as an excuse to get wasted, give up, pout, whatever, that's HIS choice. you are NOT his life support system.

get back inside your own skin, feel your own feelings, live your own life, breathe your own air, make your own choices........and allow him to do the same.


Thanks anvil

splendra

I think we get caught up so much in how they feel that we put ourselves out in the cold. Maybe try looking at your own face to see how miserable you are. I am sure he knows how miserable you are cause he can see your face more than you see it your self.

Take care of you girl it is always the best decision.

outtolunch

The primary thing that's going to destory him is his addiction.
Everything else, including his dreams, is second or more, fiddles.

You have been around this long enough to know that addiction is progressive and the consequences.

Sustaining a relationship by hopeful fantasy is a temporary comfort zone.

IPT

I SO understand your struggles. It is sooooo flipping hard isn’t it? For me the turning point started once I started reading here, listening to what these people had to say. I also started keeping a log of sorts showing how often I actually saw her, or how often she didn’t follow thru on things. It was hard to ignore in black and white that I didn’t have what I wanted, or what I had myself convinced I had. I started to just not believe her when she said she’d do something. What kind of relationship is that anyway?

I felt bad about wanting to leave her. She had me convinced that I was the only good thing she had in her life, and the fact is I probably was. Truth is she didn’t treat me very well considering that. Once I started pulling away she got VERY upset about me “abandoning” her..or she got real sad a depressed about me “giving up on her”. It kept me for a while, but over time I made it clearer and clearer what I needed and that if those needs where not meet I would have to move on. She agreed that my needs where not unreasonable, but it was obvious to both of us she was unable to meet them no matter how many chances I gave her. In the end one of the last thing she said to me was “I’m sorry I ruined us”. I was too, but it was a fact. Still breaks my heart...

“Nothing changes if nothing changes….”

Two books I can recommend… “too good to stay too bad to leave” and getting over your breakup”.
Good luck, I feel your pain. Heck I am still feeling mine too but it’s getting better.

nytepassion

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear


Passion

Butterfly14

outtolunch said it perfect....what will destroy him is his addiction.

In my experience, when we think another can't live without us it is usually we who don't want to live without them. Your battle is mostly with yourself, between your head and your heart. You know what the right thing is logically, to leave, but your heart wants to hold on. It is difficult as either choice is one you don't really want to make....what you really want is for things to be the way you would like so you could happily stay with this man. I know I have been there. The hardest part is accepting what is when we wish it were something else.

Far better to make a decision and stick with it then to say it and then go back on it.....My suggestion is don't do anything until your really ready to follow thru otherwise your addict will know from your wavering that you are easily manipulated. This in the long run is worse for you both then doing nothing right now till your sure.

bluejay6

"It's totally going to destroy him if I leave."

Many of us have found ourselves in that pit of quicksand.

I don't know the specifics of his using behavior, but I assume it is significantly bad or you would not be here.

So...he is looking at two choices:

Get clean and also get you.
or
Stay drugged and be "totally destroyed" losing you.

I am betting the second choice will be his pick. Also betting he will survive losing you. It is the drug he does not want to live without. Bottom line.

You say he "can't see" his addiction. Without enablers in his life, he will maybe see it much faster.

You can separate temporarily and take it a week at a time, if a final breakup is too hard for you to choose.

SR people will get you through whatever is to come.

Bluejay

justtired

He tells me that he only takes care of himself so that he can have a family etc. Pretty much he tells me that if he doesn't have me, then he doesn't care about life. I'm so afraid for him, and at the same time tired of being where I am. And like I said, LOGICALLY I do get it. I get that I'm not responsible for his feelings and should take a look at myself instead. And I am... that's why I'm looking at moving. But when someone tells you that if you leave, I don't care about my life, it's really really hard. He's putting everything on my shoulders like HE is trying everything he can and I am the one not trying. He is trying in every way except giving up the pills and PROMISES me that HE WILL NOT lose everything.

I've been thinking about how people say that those of us in relationships with A's also have to reach our bottoms. We leave when it's more painful to stay than to leave. Right now I'm not sure it is more painful to stay, but I don't want to wait for that. He is again in the dreaded "functioning" stage of addiction. He mostly only uses what he is prescribed or what he can get from family/friends on occasion, but abuses them and then runs out. Then gets sick with withdrawal and it's really more tiring than anything. The biggest reason I need to make a decision is that I'm 32 years old. I want a family. I put my life on hold for our "dream life" together. I'm not comfortable moving forward and getting married and definitely not comfortable having kids so it doesn't pay to sit in this relationship that can't move forward as is.

I think I wanted someone to tell me something that would make it easier for me. But I don't think there's anything anyone can really say. It's a painful situation and as I've heard on here, the only way past it is through. I think I just need to find my big girl panties somewhere WAY in the bottom of my drawer and hope they are still in tact.

In the meantime, any more thoughts or shares of experiences of others who have been through this are very greatly appreciated!!

outtolunch

Manipulation

Learn2Live

There is no such thing as a FUNCTIONAL ALCOHOLIC.

Use of this term is an EXCUSE a person makes in order to be able to say, "The drinking is NOT a problem," and a RATIONALIZATION to allow the drinking to continue. "He goes to work, he cooks, he washes the cars, blahblahblah therefore the alcohol is not a problem."

When you even use this term, this is evidence of the disease's effects on your OWN thinking. His disease creates disease in you.

teke

i agree with all the others. my ah said some of the same things and after 2 kids, i still found myself waiting 21yrs for him to choose our dreams over his drug. you think its bad now, just give it more time and you'll see just how functional he really is. i agree, there is NO such thing as a functional addict/alcoholic. unless he helps himself, his addiction WILL get worse and its your choice whether or not you allow him to drag you down with him. i also agree that his addiction is destroying him, not you or your decisions.

i was literally going insane before i was forced to physically detach from my ah. i feel like i waited most of my younger yrs waiting on a dream that was just that, JUST A DREAM. i really pray that you don't have to go through all of what i allowed for myself. take care of you for now, you can always change your mind and wait. i'm praying for you.

justtired

I have to be honest, at first I had a bad reaction when I read some of the comments I received. I'm not really sure why, but I got really upset. I think it was just yesterday in general... for some reason I was really emotional. I found out that I could see the apartment this weekend. It really seems like a good opportunity for me because I know the guy who owns it, and it allows dogs so I could take one or both of my babies with (which is really hard to find a place accepting LARGE dogs) and even has a fenced in yard. So many good things that I don't want to pass it up if I like the inside too. Yet it puts pressure on me to make a decision. This is what I talked about with my counselor. He said I just need to keep moving forward because when you are at a stand-still, that's when people struggle the most. So there's not really any other way for me to keep moving forward other than to leave. There is no real reason for me to stay. I'm not happy, haven't been happy in a while and don't forsee being happy anytime in the near future if I'm just sitting and waiting for him to get it.

It's just a really big change I'm in for, ya know? My whole life flip-flopped upside down. I do think about the good stuff... I think about sitting by myself all wrapped up in a blanket in a nice quiet apartment with my animals around me. I think about decorating the way I want to without all our business crap scattered all over. I think about being with someone who really treats me good. I hear other people talk about the nice things that they're significant others do for them, and think that I could be with someone who would really be nice to me. Not that abf isn't a nice person, but I'm not, and never really was I don't think, his top priority.

Thanks everyone for ES&H. Any extra words of encouragement are completely and totally welcome. I feel like I need all the support I can get to make the best decision for ME.

justtired

I forgot to say the reason I titled my last post "Addiction is everywhere" is because I went to lunch with a friend at work. I told her a little about what's going on and believe it or not, she was in a very similar situation a couple years ago. She left while he was gone and is now with a very nice man. It's really great to hear those stories and see how happy she is now.

Learn2Live

JustTired, honey, go easy on yourself. We all go through this sooner or later. What these emotions are probably telling you is that your eyes are beginning to open as you learn more and more about the truth behind the life you have been living.

It is SO hard, I know. And I feel pain reading about this reaction you had to the feedback you have been getting. My heart remembers when I went thru what you're going thru and it's somewhat like a death. The death of a dream. And you'll mourn that because it's also the death of two people in a way; knowing the truth makes you realize you have to let go of those two happy people you held in your mind.

But don't fret. Go easy on yourself. Take good care of yourself. Because I promise you, it will get better. It will get harder first, but you will fight a good fight. And when you come out the other end of all this, you are going to be smiling, proud of yourself, confident and strong. You will be ready to tackle all those things you always wanted to do!

You can do this. We are all behind you.

Your counselor was right when he said you
And by the same token, getting started is the hardest part. But once you do, and you get moving at a good clip, you pick up momentum and you'll never want to stop.

It's OK if it doesn't FEEL "right" to you. You are stepping outside of your comfort zone. You are leaping with faith that the net will appear underneath you. And it will. And guess what? Once you take that first step, very quickly you will be comfortable in the new space. But this time you'll know to keep stepping out, toward a more beautiful, more full life.

Peace.

eaglesgirl

Sometimes the things that we need to hear are the hardest to hear...

Unfortunately you may not be ready to hear it now...but it may all come to you when you are ready....

Try not to hear the words that are coming from him...they are just that, WORDS. Instead read his actions... then you will know.

Sending you big hugs............

wuzzled

You can have your dogs! Doesn't get any better than that. I could give up a lot, but giving up my dog or cats, well, I just don't think so. I believe your HP is speaking to you. Time for new dreams?? You can always have dreams, maybe just different ones, better ones!

justtired

LOL Wuzzled. I know, my dogs are totally my babies. They have been there with me through everything and are there to cuddle with, take walks with and talk to when I don't want to talk to ABF. They are my furry kids.

How could anybody leave these guys behind??? (I hope it works! I've never tried this before!)

justtired

Awww... doesn't look like it worked. Sorry!