flipfloplover

Hi!

I've been reading through the threads on this forum for a long time. Everyone's stories have helped me so much and I thank you so those stories. But today I need some extra support.

I'm a former coke and benzo addict/alcoholic. I've been clean 4 years..just cold turkeyed the stuff and basically saw the light! However, I have a bad situation with my ex and I need help understanding his actions.

I was with a guy on and off since 2003. He's addicted to coke and alcohol. We had our issues but no matter what I still loved him. Then I got sober and things got different. He wouldnt call for months, was always passing out drunk when I was with him, not going to work, was cheating...he didnt even call me on my bday because he was away getting drunk with his friends! Everytime I would try to end it he would say that I was his only support system, the only person he could count on, and his soulmate so I couldnt leave him. Finally i couldnt take it anymore and I told him he was banned from until he went to rehab. That was last October. I heard he was in rough shape a while back and tried texting and calling but he wont talk to me.

So now I hear he has a 21 year old gf....mind you he will be 35! I heard he wants to marry her and is in love. I'm so upset and I dont understand how he could do this. He told me he wasnt ready to get married! I'm not this dumb girl- I have a Masters in Counseling and im finishing the classes to be an addictions counselor. However, I must be really stupid when it comes to love. So, can someone tell me that is this common with addicts? Did he just not ever care about me? Or is that she excepts in the way he is...where I was acting like his mother- constantly yelling at him to grow up and go to rehab? I'm so upset right now...although I know I should be jumping for joy because an addict left me!

splendra

((((flipfloplover)))))

Welcome. I understand how you feel! . Because he has found someone new, even though you have been separate you feel that you are being replaced.

Yes! It is common for addicts to find someone new when the person they were with throws them out.

I think when an addict loves that it is not really about love and more about what is being done to support them. I can't say he did not love you because I don't know him well enough to judge. You did tell him not to come around until he got clean...

It probably feels like he is intentionally trying to hurt you but, he is probably just trying to survive and has found someone who will take care of him.

I know this hurts but I am hoping you can find a way to see your good fortune in that you are no longer putting up with is stuff.

When addicts get clean it is a miracle and usually has nothing to do with anything we do or did not do.

Take good care of yourself keep the focus on what you are doing.

mooselips

flipfloplover,
There's no rhyme or reason to what addicts will do.

IMO, since he could not manipulate YOU anymore, he has moved on to a woman naive to his disease.

My As, who is 35, (and in prison) has a 19 year old girlfriend and a 6 month old son with her.



It may take you a while to get over your feeling of his betrayal, but I'm betting you ARE going to be jumping for joy in the future.

Hang in there.

flipfloplover

Splendra-

Thanks so much for the reply and for the support!

You are so right when you said that it's so common for addicts to find someone new. Everytime we broke up he would immediately sleep with anyone. I was thinking it was due to low self esteem and to make him feel better about himself.

I know that I will be able to find good fortune in him being gone. His addiction literally drove me insane last year. Plus, he was always blaming everything on me. He was too drunk to have sex- it was my fault i didnt turn him on. He would cheat on me- it was my fault because i didnt "put out" enough.

I'm just in a bad situation- the whole time I was an addict he was the one trying to get me to stop. Then I quit and his life just goes right down the drain. I feel sad this is his life...guilty that mine will be okay...and a little jealous because he is with someone else. Dealing with this sober is just tough!!

flipfloplover

Mooselips!

Hi! Thanks for the support!

See, just when I think my ex hit the lowest point by dating a 21 year old, your story just made mine seem like nothing! 19...wow that's young. The thought of him getting her pregnant makes me physically ill...but hey, let her deal with his b.s.!

And you are so RIGHT- he could not manipulate me anymore. I was the dumb naive girl at 23....at 29, I have now smartened up. I no longer think his actions are cool, and when he's smashed and stumbling around the house I no longer think he's funny.

My head has moved on...my heart is just taking a little longer to catch up!!

BuddhaLuv

I just wanted to say that I definately agree with what everyone has said already. It definately isn't about you and he had to find someone new who would allow him to self-destruct.

Good luck on your schooling! Keep reminding yourself that he isn't worth the worry anymore.

flipfloplover

Thank you for the support, Buddhaluv! I agree that he needed someone who would allow him to keep up lifestyle his behavior.

He bashed my schooling! He said going to school means nothing and it is not hard work. I disagree. In 4 years i went from an alcoholic drug addict bartending at a strip club to graduating with a Masters with a 4.0 gpa! I'm so proud of myself and I hope my story will empower my clients someday that addicts can change. We just have to WANT to change.

mooselips

You're one smart cookie!

flipfloplover

LOL! Thanks Buddhaluv! Obviously my smartness does not apply to relationships because some how i go from one addict to another. And I always get hurt! By reading these posts, I'm finally realizing why!

splendra

FFL)))

Be gentle with yourself. See your patterns that is what you can change.

flipfloplover

Thanks Splenda I'm finally realizing these patterns. I think the change is what hurts.

I've been listening to the song "Let me go" by 3 doors down. I think the lyrics apply well to dating addicts...

One more kiss could be the best thing
Or one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And your not something I deserve

CHORUS
In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
And I know what I'm going through

CHORUS
In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go, let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside
I know, I know
But all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows, who knows

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go

(you don't know)
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't know who I am

(you don't know)
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't know me

Impurrfect

((Flipfloplove))

I came to SR because of my own addiction. After coming to THIS forum, I realized how much of a codie (codependent) I am and that is I my relationships (all 3 of them) have been with A's...20 years with a functioning alcoholic, during which time I drank to keep up with him or put up with him; had no prolblem putting down the alcohol; when we broke up, turned to opiates. At that time, I entered IOP and again, had no problem putting down the drug.

Unfortunately, it was there I met the man who introduced me to crack, and I couldn't put that down until I'd walked away from pretty much every thing I'd heald dear, including a nursing career.

After some jail time, I began lurking on SR, and it was on this forum that I found how much my recovery has blossomed from addiction, the more I work on my codie recovery. I have to work vigiliantly on both recoveries...one bad codie slip, and I will want to head to the crack pipe. Fortunately, I have this forum, the codependency and beyond thread, and the substance abuse threads...all in whom I have made awesome friends who keep me in check.

I'm glad you've found us. Way to go on 4 years!! That is awesome! I have 2+ and when I could even give up the cigarettes 4 months ago, I knew I was on a roll I couldn't have done any of it without the support of the people, here, so many who have become very dear friends.

I hope you will continue to read and post.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

IPT

I totally feel for you. I left my ex a few months ago, and was at total peace with it. Then we started hanging out a gain a bit, and I still felt like it wasn’t right but started getting attached just the same. Then SHE disappeared and it left me in a tizzy! I totally felt lost, empty, mad, sad, betrayed, the whole 9 yards…even though I was the one that left her just a month or so before because I could deal with it anymore (being late, cancelling , etc..). I just have to keep reminding myself of the FACTS. I have said it before, but I’ll mention it again, the book “getting past your breakup” by Susan Elliott (and her website “gpyp”) have helped me tons. Not only to get over the breakup, but to look at my own patterns and issues that got me in it in the first place. Also to get a clearer picture of what I DO want. Hang in there. It gets better little by little.

flipfloplover

Hi Amy

Thanks for sharing your story!!

I am like you. I am terribly codependent. Between reading the threads on this forum for months and reading my books for school, I realized why. I fear abandonment, like to feel needed, and I tried (still trying) to hold on to my ex because I've invested 6 years. Even though we broke up, I still call and yell at his voicemail when he doesnt go to work, text him like crazy, etc. I've left him alone for 2 months now, so I'm slowly getting better. But him and his addiction became my obsession...due to my own insecurities and issues.

My story goes like this- I started drinking doing drugs in middle school, and until the age of 25, I managed to do every drug under the sun. From Special K to LSD to heroin to Ketamine to good old crack- if it was around, I was either snorting or smoking it. I somehow managed to clean up my act and get into a great college for my bachelors degree- but I graduated with a PhD in alcoholism. From then until the age of 25, I dedicated my life to getting drunk, popping Xanax, and doing lines...of meth, pills, but above all, good ol' cocaine.

Then at the age of 25 I get really sick and get diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. I was so sick I almost died. This is how I had to cold turkey off everything. I swear, swine flu has got to feel better than cold turking this stuff. But I had no choice- I was too sick to get outta bed. And my family was too naive to think I was that bad into drugs.

So over the last four years, I've been stuck in bed recovering from my medical condition, so this is why I am sober. But I got rid of my addict friends, changed my number, refuse drugs and alcohol, and avoid the bar compeltely. The only issue from my past life of an addict is my exbf who is an alcoholic and a coke head. So am I really sober? Or is this just situational recovery?

Tonight I had to post something on this site finally. I was so distraught over my exbf and my mom was offering me vodka to calm down and I was about to go searching for some Xanax. So I will keep posting and reading because as you can see, I have NO support system And I would definitely love some.

P.S.- That is awesome that you quit smoking I first need to fully kick my addiction and get rid of my ex before I attemp that! Baby steps! Baby steps!!

flipfloplover

Hi IPT!

I've been reading ur posts for months and you have no idea how much you helped me! Everything you wrote- and finally realized- helped me stop crying and see the facts! Our experiences with our ex's are so similar that sometimes I feel like I was dating your exgf!!

I did the same thing you did. My ex and me broke up for a year and in Jan 2008, my dumb self texted him for his bday. Well, a month later he started with the "i miss u" and "ur my soulmate" rant. Me being a sucker- just wanted to see if he changed- one more time. Well last year sucked the life out of me..the lies, broken promises...it began to drive me insane. So I ended it.

Well now its 10 months later, and he wants nothing to do with me, and is now living a happy life with his little gf. And im sitting here hurt and pouting. Why did I go back for more? Why didnt I learn my lesson the first 570 times it didn't work? Why didnt I realize 6 years ago he was a full blown alcoholic and drug addict? I knew him for 9 years before I dated him and I knew he partied..but the charm and promises just blind sided me.

I've been mean..texeted him he needed to go to rehab..he was a loser...and I guess it just pushed him away even more. I even checked out that website you mentioned. Everything helps! But I just need to convince my heart to move on....instead of pondering on the fact that the bar just closed, he's definitely drunk, and now going to do lines and have sex with his little gf. I HATE this part the most!!

IPT

It's a flipping mess isn't it, what our minds do to us? Strange as it is, saying "it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter" three times helps break the thought pattern. Everytime I start thinking about her and do that I then realize...it doesn't matter (what she's doing) because she is not part of my life and I need to focus on me or what I am doing. I still ponder things, and get upset and sad about what happened. That is reality, but when I find I am off on some tangent about what she might be doing I need to get a grip. A - it doesn't matter, B - it just hurts me with no gain what so ever, and C - I don't even know the truth...it may not be happening at all and here I am getting upset about it!

For me, for the most part, I needed to grieve the loss, accept reality, and now just basically keep her out of my thought as much as possible, and out of my life entirely...sad as it is. I dread having any kind of contact with her ever again...the idea scares me, I will either feel horrible, sad for her and guilty, or totally go off on her about all the lies and resentment I harbor. Either way I don't want any part of it.

I am glad that my posts helped you. They helped me too -Peace -

flipfloplover

"For me, for the most part, I needed to grieve the loss, accept reality, and now just basically keep her out of my thought as much as possible, and out of my life entirely...sad as it is. I dread having any kind of contact with her ever again...the idea scares me, I will either feel horrible, sad for her and guilty, or totally go off on her about all the lies and resentment I harbor. Either way I don't want any part of it."

Hey IPT It is a flipping mess! But the above said it best! I panic the thought of running into him. I was at a party a few weeks ago and i heard he was on his way and I ran for it. I've even been out, heard he was there, jumped a fence and ran! My freinds think I'm neurotic! They dont understand that i really dont know what to do when I see him. I want to cry, flip out, hit him, run him over, or..... I think it's just better to avoid them!

Butterfly14

Sounds like you are doing very, very well in your recovery and he isn't. He had the choice to go into recovery and grow and heal with you but instead he chooses to stay on this path of addiction and destruction. I am sure he resents the fact that you are now sober and doing well. Unless and until he ever decided to get sober he would only try and drag you down into addiction again to feel better about himself and his own using. Yes, it is common for addicts to run out and find another GF. At 19 she is very young and probally naive to addiction and all of its horrors...in a way we should actually pity her for the nightmare she is going to endure with him. Trust me you don't want this man back on drugs and what your feeling is normal jealousy but when you really think about it...it is his loss and your gain that he has gone on to the next victim. Keep on doing well with your life, school and your recovery because in the end your success will speak volumes. My feeling is you will meet another who is now more suited to your recovery lifestyle and who will be able to share and support you in that. You are doing great just keep on keeping on,,,,,,,,,

Freedom1990

The last affair my EXAH had before I left him was with a 17 year old. Her dad was also a doctor, and she was an addict. Talk about an affair of opportunity for two addicts!

flipfloplover

Hi Butterfly!

Thanks for the response!

Yes, my ex did have a chance to go to rehab and refused. Ironically, he didnt want me to drink or do drugs and never enabled it! He was actualy happy that I quit!

I agree that I am better off and that it is his loss. He used to tell me that I was too old for him when he is 6 years older than me! Guess I shoulda taken that as a hint that he would go for the youngsters!

Can I ask something- when I start dating again- should I be with someone who never had a drug/alcohol problem but occassionally drinks, a recovered addict, or someone who has always been sober? How does this exactly work? LOL! I find that men who never had aan ddiction do not understand my issues...and others look down at me for having a past with addiction. Only the former addicts seem to like me- but the relapse roller coaster is for the birds!