flipfloplover

Freedome 1990-

Hi!

OMG 19! That's young! Guess my story is common around here....when in my head I think its nuts!! How old whas ur EXAH?

My exAbf was so shy when he was sober. But when he was drunk he would turn into a **** and take home ANYTHING. I cant believe I was so naive.

Freedom1990

She was 17. He was 28. The reason I found out was I came home early, and her school bag was on the kitchen counter. They had taken off to get loaded.

He ended up remarrying, but she was an older woman with kids almost grown.

Better her than me.

He called me out of the blue somewhere around 1996 (after he had remarried) and asked if I had ever been tested for HIV. He was in the clinical stages of AIDS at that time.

When I told him I had been tested when I was pregnant with my youngest (I was negative), he knew then he had contracted it while sharing needles with someone while I was in rehab.

I missed getting that 'gift' by 2 weeks.

He passed away a few years ago from complications due to AIDS. He was 47 years old.

IPT

The only former addicts like me would scare me. I am learning that I probably need to very closly evaulate who I am with and attracted to so as not to repeat the same mistakes.

I am not an addict and may have a beer or two now and then. I think even before meeting my ex I would have been able to "understand" your issue. That's just me though. If I couldn't have ANY alchohol in the house ever again that might pose a problem for me. If you just choose not to partake in a beverage now and then and had no issues with me having one it wouldn't matter to me. There are no recreational drugs in my house or life so if we avoided places where they were that would be fine.

I guess what I am trying to say is that once you are on track, stable and confident in your recovery I think non addicts would be fine being with you. YOU may find strength in being with someone who understands that lifestyle better though, I don't know.

Butterfly14

Flip, I am not an addict, never even tried any drugs beyond the occasional drink, but my parents were both alcoholic so although i am not an addict i am always attracted to addicts...go figure!! I find that many men with no addiction history don't have the sensitivity, and depth of understanding that men who have struggled with addicition have. I can only tell you from my perspective. Yes, I would date somone who had an addiction as long as they were sober and WORKING a program. Not just giving lip service to the big book but actually working the steps, and their life should reflect that. They have a job, a place to live, family, friends, self sufficient, money in their pocket, and an otherwise stable "normal" life. Because there is a big difference between being sober and working the steps. I have dated a few men who claimed to be sober, and going to meetings but they never really worked the steps and eventually they returned to the drugs so I have learned this the hard way. i don't think there is a rule book here of who you can and can't date i think it depends on the individual. With that said, of course another addict will understand your situation like no other but then again you do risk him relapsing and possibly being thrown of course yourself. So, I would say follow you heart and temper it with your head...I think our mates are in many ways our mirrors so we tend to attract were we are at that particular time in our life. Just go about your life and you will naturally attract the mate to match your current outlook and values.

flipfloplover

Freedom1990-

Wow, ur story is a wake up call! I was driving today and i realized that all the heavy drinkers in my town are in their mid to late 30's and their gfs are early 20's. These girls have no idea how many girls these guys have slept with and where they have been. I also had to google the word "manipulation" today and realized i was a victim to it and so will these girls. I think I'm slowly seeing the bright picture now..

U are very luck to have missed that disease. I know this is bad, but i am still too scared to get tested...even though I know where my ex has been and i've been throughout our addictions.

flipfloplover

I completely agree. Here's my problem- I look "good on paper" with all of my college degrees so I tend to attract very educated guys. So i think they will be smart enough to understand my past. But then they want to go out for a drink and for wine, and when I explain that I would rather have a water, they dont get it. So i tell them a little about my past, and all of a sudden they think Im some horrible person because I did drugs and drank and they never call again! LOL!

So i tend to date guys that have some experience with addiction. And then they go on their binders, they start shooting heroin behind my back, and I get the shaft.

flipfloplover

HI Anvilhead!

People think the "issues" are my past addiction! We are in a really bad place in society because of the negative stigma toward addiction. I meet people, and they hear i was heavy into drugs, and then they automatically assume I'm a low life. The labeling and stereotypes are ridiculous in society. I'm the britney spears look alike who walks around swinging a Coach bag. I think men meet me and hypothesize what my past was like. But when they find out the truth, they seem to get repulsed and head for the hills. I'm not perfect...however it seems like they think they are better than me, better than us, and better than all of the brave people who have kicked and overcome addictions. I think overcoming an addiction is more admirable than getting a PhD in todays society. But I think there are those in society who would still highly disagree.

I seem to get along better with addicts and those in recovery. I'm still BFF with my first love from when I was 15. He is an addict and has a rap sheet taller than me. We dated on and off for 12 years and finally I could not tolerate his immaturity. But when push comes to shove- he understands my problems better than anyone else. However, our addictions were fiasco together. So it just didnt work.

flipfloplover

Butterfly-

Those are some excellent thoughts and I reread ur posting several times. It is so true that we tend to attract people that are in similar periods in their lives. WHen I was younger, my life was a druken free for all and so was my ex so we had a lot in common. Now Im working on trying to move past my addiction and he is not. Men that drink on weekends and occassioanlly smoke pot here and there do not turn me off. It's when their lifestyle affects mine that starts the problems in the relationships. I can deal with social usage, but not full blown addictions.

Butterfly14

Flip, It is interesting as I have a similar problem. I am very educated, good job, successful career and have done tons of self help and therapy overcoming the problems which ensued with having two alcoholic parents. I find that men who are educated and don't have experience with an addiciton or were at least close to someone who had an addiction problem just don't get me either,,,and I can't relate with them. Although I am not an addict my whole life was spent with them so I need that connection in some way to feel understood and comfortable. Now there are many ways we can seek out that understanding and connection...we can choose someone who has struggled and overcome just like we have or we can choose somone still stuck in the muck and grapple with all their issues but eventually this will just wear us out. I find it is better to try and consciously choose someone who is of like mind and spirit this makes it a whole lot easier. Men who are addicts and have overcome their addiction have the gift of having lived thru their "dark night of the soul". They have a depth of understanding that far surpasses any college degree in experience and wisdom. In fact, it isn't just addicts but anyone who has sufffered, soul searched and gone thru hell to come out the other side you will probally find you can relate and share many of your experiences.

flipfloplover

Hey Butterfly!

Your words are soo true!

My dad drank a lot and my mom did drugs on and off for years. Neither were full blown addicts...but that was the only environment I only knew. SO i think when I meet guys who had "perfect" childhoods and upbringings, they just don't get me!

As for now, I think getting into a relationship would be a fiasco because although I have almost 4 years of sobriety, my mind is still just "not getting it". It's still flipflopping between sobriety and wanted to drink again. And I'm still learning the error of my ways and exploring my self and figuring out my boundaries. So I know I have a lot of work to do until i can find a healthy stable guy.

Thanks for the chat! It helped a lot

IPT

Very interesting. I came from a healthy upbringing and my xagf said that, "you just don't get me". Lord knows I tried, but maybe I just didn't get her. Or, maybe she was still "sick" and not opening up about things, hiding things she was embarresed about, and not trusting that I would accept her.

I would think that with communication that gap could be bridged, but maybe not. Honestly my xagf communicated infrequently. She'd say she had a "really tough week" and when i asked why she would tell me she'd tell me later. Then later she'd say she didn't want to talk about it yet, maybe tomorrow...of course tomorrow never came.

Butterfly14

Flip, Your welcome. Keep in mind that we are never fully "fixed" we (meaning the whole human race) no matter how much work we do on ourselves I find there is always more to do and we'll always have issues to work on and challenges to overcome. Sometimes a relationship comes into our lives not to be "the one" forever but the one for now. The one who we can learn and grow with. I find that there is no better "school" than a relationship to see where we really are in our growth process. It is easy to hum along when we are alone but there is nothing like a relationship to show us exactly how crazy, codependent or whatever else we still are....they test our boundaries and force us to really look at our reactions. When the time is right the next relationship will present itself and you will get another opportunity to put into practice all that you are learning now.

Butterfly14

IPT, You sound like a very caring, understanding person and I think in your case your GF was just so lost in addiction that no matter your background it wouldn't have changed her response. In my experience active addicts can't be present to communicate or participate in a relationship. Their primary and only real focus is getting the drug and using the drug it is a full time fixation...besides they don't want to open up and be honest about their problems as it means they would have to face them and do something about them....it is much easier to avoid and escape into addiction than face the pain head on. In my experience, when the pain of addiction becomes greater than the pain of the problems is when they are most willing to start to deal with it all and get into recovery. That is why it is necessary to let the addict "hit bottom" so that they can see how the pain of their addiciton far outweighs any benefits it brings.

flipfloplover

Hi IPT!

I think u are the type of man who is very understanding of others. I think her lack of communication was the kicker here because how could u understand her when she never talked about her?

My ex did the same thing...never talked about anything sober...but when he was using he was the loud outgoing guy. However, his words would be incoherent, taken with a grain of salt, and slurred. This, in my opinion, is not the communication that one seeks in a healthy relationship. (Man, i guess i really am learning alot )

Jason448

My wife is an addict to vicodin and this is my story. I have been married for 14 years and we have 5 children. My wife became addicted to vicodin 5 years ago while she was pregnant. She suffers from chronic migraines and could not take imitrex or other migraine medications because of the risk to the baby. Our marriage has always been far from perfect and quite a bit rocky. She was 19 and I 20 when we married and we knew each other less than a year. She had an affair about 6 years ago and it lasted only 3 months and was with a friend of the family. At this time my wife was experimenting with marijuana and she claimed became addicted to vicodin and put the blame on the drugs for her affair. She showed true regret for what she had done and asked me to take her back and I did. When we got married my wife would get worried about taking a motrin due to any side effects, now she has a 10 + vicodin a day habit. Over the past 5 years I have seen her decline and stop doing the things she once enjoyed and the smile I fell in love with show less and less on her face. The woman I use to be able to make laugh all day long is no longer there. About 3 years ago she met her ex-boyfriend online from high school. Throughout our marriage when ever she would mention him, she would always mention how she thought he was a loser who turned to drugs and left her. He is a former heroin addict and was forced to go into the Army or do jail time. So they affair kept going and going when she would keep telling me that she was breaking it off. This other man has been giving her money every month and she claims she loves this guy or whatever. Her parents are outraged and have hate the man and all of her friends have even told me that she has not said one good thing about the guy and has even talked to them about possibly getting a protection order to keep him away as recently as a year ago. Back in December of 07 I told my wife that I was through with our marriage and I could no longer be married to a cheating woman who is also addicted. A few days later she calls me saying that this other guy was everything I told her he was and that she was breaking it off with him and wanted me to come home. She pretty much begged me to come home and I did. The night I was home we made love and it was as if things were on their way to recovery. It wasn't just being intimate, it was the way she was acting towards me, and that was loving an caring. A couple weeks later she calls me and says she is pregnant, I asked her is it mine. She laughed and said, I wouldn't lie about that. Well 9 months of a horrible pregnancy, taking care of her while she was home on bedrest hooked up to an IV and 6 months of taking care of what I believed was my son, she informs me that the baby is not mine. She did not tell me this calmly or behind closed doors, she told me this during a heated arguement. She showed no remorse when she said it or afterwards. Its like she feels intitled to do whatever she wants. She said that she was breaking it off with the other man and would get help with her addiction. It has yet to happen. She says she wants a divorce over and over like she has said ever since she met this other guy who pops into town every other 2 or 3 months. THis man is also a master manipulator because he had to be as a former heroin addict. I was able to find a rehab center that is reserved for pretty much executives and high profile people through my uncles wife. She is able to get her in for nothing and this place cost about $20,000 a month. She says she doesnt need inpatient and is going to try an outpatient place nearby. She is currently really sick and got out of the hospital about 4 days ago after spending a week in the hospital with an abcess in her kidney. I have exposed her lies about her addiction to he family and friends and they are trying hard to get through to her. Has anyone dealt with anything similar to my story. I feel vicodin subdued my wife so another man could take her away......I am so heart broken. She acts as though our marriage was over 5 years ago and the drugs have nothing to do with the fact she "fell in love with this guy" durring her 10+ vicodin a day habit. I am so depressed and it is mentally and physically taking a toll on me. The kids are really suffering and my little ones ask when mommy and daddy are going to get back together. My 6 yr old was praying the other night and I asked him what he prayed for. He said "for good dreams and for you an mommy to get back together." My wife does not know the pain and destruction she has caused. I can forgive her and I know I have faults and need to make changes on my end to, but I wish she could just see clearly for once.......HELP>>

rayofsunshine

Hi Jason448. Welcome to SR! Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

You may want to copy your post above and click the NEW THREAD button at the bottom of the page of Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information.
That way more people will read your post and be able to give you the support and
encouragement you need. Keep reading and posting... this is a wonderful place here!

teke

i'm a recovering crack addict married but seperated from an active addict. it would be hard for me to want to get involved with another addict because of my experience and the risk of relapse. like your addict, mine didn't want me to use nether did he encourage me to use but he didn't see a need for him to stop. in my opinion, he needed me sober so that he could continue to use while i kept us afloat. didn't matter if i couldn't say sober while he stayed active. i was 9ys clean, took him back, relapsed, then 5yrs clean, took him back, relapsed and now 7yrs clean and don't plan on looking back again. it took me 21yrs to figure out that if changes were to be made, i had to make them for myself.

we've been apart 2yrs and i don't doubt that he has meet someone younger, but i have to remind myself when i get ahead of myself, that its only a matter of time before they too maybe history, if not, better her than me. i was literally going insane trying to stay. i had all of those negative emotions of anger, betrayal, the works, but today, i'm so grateful for the peace and i'm sorry for any would be next victim, and thats exactly how i see anyone who would get involved with my addict.

i think you are doing great, i pray that you keep going, when it times, someone great will come your way.

flipfloplover

Hi Teke!

Thanks for your support!

Yes, I think my addict wanted me sober to keep us afloat also! I was always his ride home from the bar, or the one picking up his friends from jail when they got a DUI, and the one to go get him food when he was drunk. I was also the one who was there to baby sit him when he was drunk. How pothetic!!

I agree that his addiction was driving me insane. I dated a guy addicted to marijuana for years and I never went crazy over his addiction. But my Aexbf was a whole different story.

I was laughing yesterday that my ex found a new "victim." Was I a victim? When I was using, I put him through hell and did not care about his feelings or his addiction But when I was sober, the codepency kicked into high gear and I was determined to make him see how different life was without drugs and alcohol. I became a victim to his manipulation and lies. I went from a manipulating addict to someone getting manipulated by an addict and I didnt even realize it! It's funny how life works!

I use to tell everyone that my ex was not a liar. Sadly, it took 6 years to realize that he was the biggest liar I had ever met.

teke

are you sure we are not talking about the same addict? LOL

flipfloplover

Could be! Was he tall, dark, and handsome? LOL! They always are