Did I do the right thing?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 17
Did I do the right thing?
I don't know why I'm even asking this, I guess I just need reassurance. Please bear with me as I get all this out.
Last summer, my 28-year-old brother J died of what we thought was a heart attack. Four months later, the autopsy report arrived and I found out it was actually an overdose of methadone/oxycodone. I knew J was a drug user and had been on and off different drugs for almost a decade. I also knew that my brother R was a user too.
My parents were in complete denial and didn't want to hear the autopsy results. But I felt I had to tell R because he was with J when he died (actually called 911 and tried to do CPR, but J died in his arms). R went through a nightmare that day. Not only were they brothers, but they were best friends.
A month after I told R about the autopsy, he came to visit my family. We told him he could only come if he was clean and didn't bring any drugs. Well, he was here for two days and we knew he was using pills (crushing and snorting). However, there was a huge snowstorm and he got stuck here for three days with no pills. He was in withdrawal by the last day. I was praying about what to say, so I told him "R, what can I do to help you? I will do anything." He asked me if there was a Suboxone clinic nearby, so we looked online and found out there is one about 5 miles from my house.
Later that week, he moved in with us and started on Suboxone. My husband hired him to work for his company and for a few months, things were great. He was going to church with us, he looked amazing, he was being a real uncle to my kids. He got caught up on all his bills, paid off some court fees from bad checks he wrote (and paid off a guy he used to know who he owed money to from a drug debt, ugh). He was making enough money to pay for his monthly Suboxone visits and prescription (to the tune of almost $450 a month). He had a fresh start and I actually slept at night knowing my brother was here and sober and not dead like my other brother.
Things got a little weird after about 4 or 5 months. He went back home to visit (we live 3 hours from my parents and all my brothers friends) and tried to get back with an old girlfriend. When he came here from that visit, he seemed out of sorts. But he told us he was just upset because she broke his heart. Okay, we thought. Fair enough. Two weeks later, he got paid and said he had to go home to help someone fix a car or whatever. When he came back he slept for what seemed like days.
My husband said he started slacking off at work after that. They would get into fights and my brother would cuss him out, then later act like nothing happened. He would pay his bills, but then he was always broke (even though he was making enough money to save for his own place, we made sureo f that). He would leave and not tell us, then come home and sleep. I guess in my heart I knew he was using, but I didn't want to believe it. In fact, I had myself convinced he was going to strip clubs.
Things finally came to a halt last week. After a huge blowup with my husband, my brother went back home to visit again. When he came back, he was completely broke (despite getting a $700 paycheck the week before). I tried to talk to him and he flipped out on me. The next day, we went to church and came home to find a note from my brother saying that a month ago, someone offered him pills at the skatepark and he thought he could do it once, but he got hooked again.
Okay, so we told him, "it's one mistake, let's just try to get things together again." We made new rules that he HAD to attend meetings each week (he had been slacking off), had to give me all of his money to hold, I would be in charge of his Suboxone, etc... Basically, I'd have to police him night and day. He seemed happy about this and agreed to everything. But he was in withdrawals. See, it wasn't that he just took some pills once. In talking with him, we found out that he took some pills, bought more pills, sold them for other pills, traded two weeks worth of Suboxone for other pills, etc.... Basically, a whole month of lies. He didn't tell us this all at once, only as he got sicker and sicker with the withdrawals did he give us more details.
So we told him he had to leave. If it was a one-time mistake and he came to us right away, we would have felt differently. But he didn't come to us until he ran himself into drug debt, ran completely out of money, blew through $200 of Suboxone, didn't pay any bills for a month.
We just couldn't handle all of that again.
My heart is BROKEN. He completely went off on us about how "you said you'd help me, but when I told you the truth, you used it against me. All you do is judge me. You never accept me for who I am." And on and on.
So basically, he went home with LESS than he got here with. His life didn't improve at all in 8 months.
Then, we got a letter from the bank saying that he owed $400 in bad check fees from the week before. Not only did he go through $700, but he wrote out an additional $400 in bad checks. The bank is now sending letters to our house and calling our phone number for him. And, he told us he wasn't paying for his cell phone any longer (which he asked us when he got here to put him on our plan), we had to pay a $175 cancellation fee.
My mom told him on the day that we kicked him out that he could come to her house, only if he agreed to come straight there and not stop somewhere. Well, instead of going straight there, he stopped to "see a friend" and arrived 7 hours later (it's a 3 hour drive). She told him he couldn't stay.
Today, my father-in-law told us what awful parents my mom and dad are for not taking him in. How could they let their son go like that? But we also have a 16-year-old brother at home who my parents have to watch out for. My mom and dad cannot have someone who is using drugs in their home around my little brother.
Did I do the right thing by making him leave? Because I feel really crappy right now. I tried to love him and give him a good home. My husband gave him a great work opportunity, but in the end, we're left feeling like we didn't do enough. Are my parents doing the right thing by not letting him be there unless he agrees to their rules?
Thanks for listening to me. There's really no one I can tell.
Last summer, my 28-year-old brother J died of what we thought was a heart attack. Four months later, the autopsy report arrived and I found out it was actually an overdose of methadone/oxycodone. I knew J was a drug user and had been on and off different drugs for almost a decade. I also knew that my brother R was a user too.
My parents were in complete denial and didn't want to hear the autopsy results. But I felt I had to tell R because he was with J when he died (actually called 911 and tried to do CPR, but J died in his arms). R went through a nightmare that day. Not only were they brothers, but they were best friends.
A month after I told R about the autopsy, he came to visit my family. We told him he could only come if he was clean and didn't bring any drugs. Well, he was here for two days and we knew he was using pills (crushing and snorting). However, there was a huge snowstorm and he got stuck here for three days with no pills. He was in withdrawal by the last day. I was praying about what to say, so I told him "R, what can I do to help you? I will do anything." He asked me if there was a Suboxone clinic nearby, so we looked online and found out there is one about 5 miles from my house.
Later that week, he moved in with us and started on Suboxone. My husband hired him to work for his company and for a few months, things were great. He was going to church with us, he looked amazing, he was being a real uncle to my kids. He got caught up on all his bills, paid off some court fees from bad checks he wrote (and paid off a guy he used to know who he owed money to from a drug debt, ugh). He was making enough money to pay for his monthly Suboxone visits and prescription (to the tune of almost $450 a month). He had a fresh start and I actually slept at night knowing my brother was here and sober and not dead like my other brother.
Things got a little weird after about 4 or 5 months. He went back home to visit (we live 3 hours from my parents and all my brothers friends) and tried to get back with an old girlfriend. When he came here from that visit, he seemed out of sorts. But he told us he was just upset because she broke his heart. Okay, we thought. Fair enough. Two weeks later, he got paid and said he had to go home to help someone fix a car or whatever. When he came back he slept for what seemed like days.
My husband said he started slacking off at work after that. They would get into fights and my brother would cuss him out, then later act like nothing happened. He would pay his bills, but then he was always broke (even though he was making enough money to save for his own place, we made sureo f that). He would leave and not tell us, then come home and sleep. I guess in my heart I knew he was using, but I didn't want to believe it. In fact, I had myself convinced he was going to strip clubs.
Things finally came to a halt last week. After a huge blowup with my husband, my brother went back home to visit again. When he came back, he was completely broke (despite getting a $700 paycheck the week before). I tried to talk to him and he flipped out on me. The next day, we went to church and came home to find a note from my brother saying that a month ago, someone offered him pills at the skatepark and he thought he could do it once, but he got hooked again.
Okay, so we told him, "it's one mistake, let's just try to get things together again." We made new rules that he HAD to attend meetings each week (he had been slacking off), had to give me all of his money to hold, I would be in charge of his Suboxone, etc... Basically, I'd have to police him night and day. He seemed happy about this and agreed to everything. But he was in withdrawals. See, it wasn't that he just took some pills once. In talking with him, we found out that he took some pills, bought more pills, sold them for other pills, traded two weeks worth of Suboxone for other pills, etc.... Basically, a whole month of lies. He didn't tell us this all at once, only as he got sicker and sicker with the withdrawals did he give us more details.
So we told him he had to leave. If it was a one-time mistake and he came to us right away, we would have felt differently. But he didn't come to us until he ran himself into drug debt, ran completely out of money, blew through $200 of Suboxone, didn't pay any bills for a month.
We just couldn't handle all of that again.
My heart is BROKEN. He completely went off on us about how "you said you'd help me, but when I told you the truth, you used it against me. All you do is judge me. You never accept me for who I am." And on and on.
So basically, he went home with LESS than he got here with. His life didn't improve at all in 8 months.
Then, we got a letter from the bank saying that he owed $400 in bad check fees from the week before. Not only did he go through $700, but he wrote out an additional $400 in bad checks. The bank is now sending letters to our house and calling our phone number for him. And, he told us he wasn't paying for his cell phone any longer (which he asked us when he got here to put him on our plan), we had to pay a $175 cancellation fee.
My mom told him on the day that we kicked him out that he could come to her house, only if he agreed to come straight there and not stop somewhere. Well, instead of going straight there, he stopped to "see a friend" and arrived 7 hours later (it's a 3 hour drive). She told him he couldn't stay.
Today, my father-in-law told us what awful parents my mom and dad are for not taking him in. How could they let their son go like that? But we also have a 16-year-old brother at home who my parents have to watch out for. My mom and dad cannot have someone who is using drugs in their home around my little brother.
Did I do the right thing by making him leave? Because I feel really crappy right now. I tried to love him and give him a good home. My husband gave him a great work opportunity, but in the end, we're left feeling like we didn't do enough. Are my parents doing the right thing by not letting him be there unless he agrees to their rules?
Thanks for listening to me. There's really no one I can tell.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It is possible to love an addict to death.
I watched it happen where I live over many years with a lady who was only 2 years older than me.
Her mother buried her after she died at age 50.
Her father, despite being in AA for over 30 years and sober when he passed away was her best enabler, along with her mother, who was at one time pretty strong in Alanon (back in the late 80's).
She never wanted for anything. They financed several business ventures for her which always failed because the profits went up her nose. She always had a nice car to drive. They bought her a house. Her bills were always paid. She went through rehab over a dozen times, always to come back home to her enablers and old friends/her drug of choice.
Toss that guilt into the garbage can like yesterday's trash. You tried your best to help.
:ghug2
I watched it happen where I live over many years with a lady who was only 2 years older than me.
Her mother buried her after she died at age 50.
Her father, despite being in AA for over 30 years and sober when he passed away was her best enabler, along with her mother, who was at one time pretty strong in Alanon (back in the late 80's).
She never wanted for anything. They financed several business ventures for her which always failed because the profits went up her nose. She always had a nice car to drive. They bought her a house. Her bills were always paid. She went through rehab over a dozen times, always to come back home to her enablers and old friends/her drug of choice.
Toss that guilt into the garbage can like yesterday's trash. You tried your best to help.
:ghug2
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 17
I just wanted to add...
I would love for him to go into a rehab program, not just a doctor who prescribes Suboxone who doesn't care about him. But he has no money (obviously) and my parents have depleted most of their resources when they paid for my other brother's funeral last year. They can't afford to help either.
I would love for him to go into a rehab program, not just a doctor who prescribes Suboxone who doesn't care about him. But he has no money (obviously) and my parents have depleted most of their resources when they paid for my other brother's funeral last year. They can't afford to help either.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
You all have done the right thing! Absolutely!!!
I'm so very proud of you and your parents!!!!!!
I know you are doubting yourself - but there really is truth in loving someone to death.... and you end up just digging yourself your own hole, too.
I love my A... but because of children being in the home -there was NO way I was going to have active addiction in my home.
You and your husband gave your bro PLENTY of chances...... no matter what... his perception (while in active addction/detox/NON-recovery) is going to be far different from yours.
I congratulate you all - and I also know how it's so hard to feel like it is something good...... but in the end it is.
Keep sticking to your boundaries!!!!
I'm so very proud of you and your parents!!!!!!
I know you are doubting yourself - but there really is truth in loving someone to death.... and you end up just digging yourself your own hole, too.
I love my A... but because of children being in the home -there was NO way I was going to have active addiction in my home.
You and your husband gave your bro PLENTY of chances...... no matter what... his perception (while in active addction/detox/NON-recovery) is going to be far different from yours.
I congratulate you all - and I also know how it's so hard to feel like it is something good...... but in the end it is.
Keep sticking to your boundaries!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'd also like to suggest a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I think it will help you see that you are absolutely on the right track by no longer being involved with his addiction.
If you have Naranon or Alanon meetings in your area, that is also a great help in finding face to face support among others who have addict/alcoholics in their lives.
If you have Naranon or Alanon meetings in your area, that is also a great help in finding face to face support among others who have addict/alcoholics in their lives.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 88
You have done everything you could and more than most people would. He is very lucky to have you and your husband. Hopefully he will see that one day. Unfortunately relapses happen and are usually worse each time. My son went out to CA for long term treatment (we live in PA) he stayed out there did great for a year, good job he loved, nice apartment and then relapsed and lost everything!!! Depending on his drug of choice it gets a hold of them and although they get to the point they don't want to live like that they find it hard to stop. It is awful that you and your family have already lost one to drugs and now you are going through it with him. When he is ready to stop your state may have some programs free of charge. It is a crime how expensive rehabs are we have spent thousands of dollars. I know the Salvation Army has one and they say it is very good and free. Best of luck to all of you and take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by kristyk1 
I just wanted to add...
I would love for him to go into a rehab program, not just a doctor who prescribes Suboxone who doesn't care about him. But he has no money (obviously) and my parents have depleted most of their resources when they paid for my other brother's funeral last year. They can't afford to help either.
I would love for him to go into a rehab program, not just a doctor who prescribes Suboxone who doesn't care about him. But he has no money (obviously) and my parents have depleted most of their resources when they paid for my other brother's funeral last year. They can't afford to help either.
The Salvation Army: Adult Rehabilitation
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kristyk1)))
Welcome to SR!
I am sorry for what has brought you here, but I must say, you absolutely did the right thing. I am not only an RA (recovering addict), but I have loved ones who are addicts so I know addiction intimately, from both sides of the fence. Both sides are painful.
I am also terribly sorry about the death of your brother, J. I know most people simply cannot understand how someone can use/abuse/become addicted to drugs when a member of their family has died from the very same thing. I cannot explain that any more than I can explain why I, trained as a nurse, advised there were "addictive tendencies in my family" would still experiment with a variety of drugs until I found the one (crack) that would bring me to my knees.
I will be forever grateful to my family that though they did as you did, they gave me that once chance, when it was clear that I was not serious about recovering yet, they stepped back and allowed me to fall, to face the consequences, and then when my actions showed I was very serious about recovery, they gave me as much support as they could.
Doing the right thing hurts sometimes. There are some lessonse we can not, nor should not protect our loved ones from learning on their own.
For me, hearing about hitting rock bottom and actually hitting rock bottom are extremely different.
I hope you keep reading and posting. There are some wonderful supportive people here, who know just what you're going through!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR!
I am sorry for what has brought you here, but I must say, you absolutely did the right thing. I am not only an RA (recovering addict), but I have loved ones who are addicts so I know addiction intimately, from both sides of the fence. Both sides are painful.
I am also terribly sorry about the death of your brother, J. I know most people simply cannot understand how someone can use/abuse/become addicted to drugs when a member of their family has died from the very same thing. I cannot explain that any more than I can explain why I, trained as a nurse, advised there were "addictive tendencies in my family" would still experiment with a variety of drugs until I found the one (crack) that would bring me to my knees.
I will be forever grateful to my family that though they did as you did, they gave me that once chance, when it was clear that I was not serious about recovering yet, they stepped back and allowed me to fall, to face the consequences, and then when my actions showed I was very serious about recovery, they gave me as much support as they could.
Doing the right thing hurts sometimes. There are some lessonse we can not, nor should not protect our loved ones from learning on their own.
For me, hearing about hitting rock bottom and actually hitting rock bottom are extremely different.
I hope you keep reading and posting. There are some wonderful supportive people here, who know just what you're going through!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Oh honey. I'm so sorry, more later, but you absolutely DID do the right thing by allowing to reach the bottom that his family has been cushioning for so long. Let him hit it HARD so he learns, remembers and allows that to be the basis for his change. You take care of YOU and YOURS because they sure won't - especially not in addiction. Sorry you're here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 17
WOW. Thank you so much for your kind words. I needed to hear from people who REALLY understand. Hopefully I can one day offer support to someone else in this situation. Right now, I feel like I can't offer anyone anything.
It's funny, today someone from church sent me a link to the local Salvation Army program. I had no idea it even existed. Things are a little tense with my brother now, but I'm going to forward the link to him. I'm not calling for him or arranging rides or anything. He can do that if he wants.
Thanks again. I appreciate it so much.
It's funny, today someone from church sent me a link to the local Salvation Army program. I had no idea it even existed. Things are a little tense with my brother now, but I'm going to forward the link to him. I'm not calling for him or arranging rides or anything. He can do that if he wants.
Thanks again. I appreciate it so much.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 10
First I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry you have already lost one brother to drugs. I can't imagine the angst you must feel in knowing that your other brother is headed down a bad path as well.
You really have done the right thing in letting him go. My sister is 18 and a heroin addict. She actually has 1 week left before she must move out of my parents house. I fully agree with them even though it absolutely hurts to see her destroy her life. She literally has no where to go and the places she can go have no running water, electricty etc... However, I have to remind myself that SHE is ultimately making this decision. She knew she was crossing boundaries and not following rules in my parents house (must attend rehab etc..).
Sending many hugs your way. It certainly is not an easy journey that is for sure. Know that I am thinking of you. :ghug3
You really have done the right thing in letting him go. My sister is 18 and a heroin addict. She actually has 1 week left before she must move out of my parents house. I fully agree with them even though it absolutely hurts to see her destroy her life. She literally has no where to go and the places she can go have no running water, electricty etc... However, I have to remind myself that SHE is ultimately making this decision. She knew she was crossing boundaries and not following rules in my parents house (must attend rehab etc..).
Sending many hugs your way. It certainly is not an easy journey that is for sure. Know that I am thinking of you. :ghug3
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
I wanted to add that it sounds to me like your father-in-law doesn't have any real-life experience in dealing with a loved one who has a serious addiction problem. If he did, he would never have said something so insensitive. If you go to an open NA meeting, or read the stories of recovery from addicts on this very website, you will soon learn that recovery happens on the addict's timetable. All the love and support in the world, however good-intentioned, will not make a difference in when the addict decides to start working on his/her recovery. In fact, many recovering addicts credit family/friends who showed "tough love" and established strong boundaries in helping the addict decide to seek recovery.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by kristyk1
WOW. Thank you so much for your kind words. I needed to hear from people who REALLY understand. Hopefully I can one day offer support to someone else in this situation. Right now, I feel like I can't offer anyone anything.
:ghug2 :ghug2
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