HurtingDad

Just wanted to post about what's going on. As some of you may know, a few months ago my AS was kicked out of a residential Methadone-to-Abstinance program for testing dirty. He could have stayed and started over again, but he chose to leave. Been homless, just got back into a shelter that he hates and says he's on suboxone that he's been buying off the street. He's also had his NY state medicaid and food stamps revoked because he has no address. He's also met a girl with whom he 'hangs' out with.


After a series of phone calls, and after I sent him some money ( I know....I shouldn't have...I'm only human) I'm reaching the point where I'm going to tell him I only want to hear from him when he has GOOD news. Such as i'm back in a program, I'm working, I'm going back to school, I'm living a freaking normal life. I don't want to hear about police harrasing him, his outstanding warrants, his 3 day stays at Bellevue for massive infections, his hepatitis C, his depression....you got the idea.

He can call and leave a message, I'll know he's alive, he can email me, I'm just tired of hanging up the phone and feeling that more of my energy has been sucked out.

I love him, hate the addict and I am always willing to help him when he is willing and showing that he is helping himself. He makes bad decisions, and I'm tired about hearing of all the consequences.

Enough whinning, it's great to hear some good news on the Forum, and unfortunately there's more bad than good. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there were no more need for this forum because there was no more addiction?

Be Well everyone, prayers and wishes to all.

teke

hi, sorry that your son is still struggling but i do feel like you will be doing what is best for the both of you. i'm praying for your strenght and that your son will soon find his way.

Learn2Live

I had to do this too, very recently. Not with my child but with someone I was very close to for the last two years. I think it's great that you are thinking about telling him to call only when he has good news. The way that I did it may be of interest to you.

I told the person first, please not to call me after 6PM. The reason was because I get so upset about what he would tell me that I couldn't sleep. Surprisingly, he did as I asked. I know that it probably wasn't that he was being respectful of ME, but that it just opened up a golden opportunity to do what he wanted to do anyway without having to hear anything from me.

After a few months of this with positive results, I then asked him to please stop calling me at work unless he had a practical question or some practical information he needed to communicate to me. Again, it worked.

So, by that time, the only opportunity for him to call was early in the mornings, between about 4 and 6 PM, and weekends before 6PM.

At some point afterward, while still trying to get him to get the rest of his belonging out of my house (because I knew what he was doing out there, even though he really didn't know himself), I received some horrible information from him on what he had done. That was the last straw and I forced him to get the rest of the stuff from my property and went no contact. It has been pretty good for a few weeks now.

I like to think that it made the separation easier on both of us. It was like weaning myself off of the person, the drama, etc.

Just an idea.

Oh, I just remembered, I did have to do this with my brother some years back and that time I was able to go no contact cold turkey, no problem. That's when I really started to experience serenity in my life. So, I guess either way, it works, depending on where you are with the other person. You just have to stick to your guns and not relapse back into bad behavior.

Latte

My father is sober! He came up from Mexico to visit with my family when we were all in California and my Mother (he stayed at her house with all of us) told him he couldn't drink. He didn't! He wanted to continue that when he got back home. From what I can tell, he is still sober. His medical condition is made worse by drinking, so I'm hoping he continues on this road. He was also told that mixing his medications with alcohol was a no go, and I think he actually paid attention. I'm actually relieved.

Serenity Bound

hurtingdad, What I have learned is that when we get sick & tired of being sick & tired, we will make the changes needed to move forward. I have been very close to the NO contact concept myself the last two weeks. For me, I turned my phone off when I just couldn't stand the drama anymore. It didn't keep my AD from calling, but I didn't have to deal with all of the drama and feelings til I was ready. I also think that "just" maybe she figured out I've had it. My AD entered rehab this morning on her own.

Sending you hugs & prayers. And wishing you a weekend filled with peace & serenity.
Chris

Ann

Good to hear from you, HurtingDad.

We don't have to be a receptive audience to their drama of addiction, we don't have to accept collect calls so they can make us feel bad, we don't have to be their only option out of the darkness of addiction.

They know where help is. When they are ready, they will find it. Until then we don't have to give up our lives and live in the darkness with them...it resolves nothing.

Good for you for setting boundaries that work for you. Your son remains in my prayers, one of these days he'll find a better path.

Hugs

bluejay6

HurtingDad,
What hardship. What pain for you. I'm so sorry.

I know you have probably read "Beautiful Boy" by the father whose son was/is a meth addict.

I hope you will also read his son's book. "Tweaked." You will be shocked at how little interest the son has in what is happening to his family while he's out there living the lifestyle.

Wishing for you the ability to release.

Bluejay

gowest

I read both those books back to back. I consider them a "must read" for anybody who has ever loved an addict.

Thanks for the update Hurting dad. Wishing you peace ...

JMFburns

Good to hear from you Hurting Dad,

Sounds like you are working your program to the best of your ability, aware of the decisions you make and there possible consequences and trying to set some boundaries that YOU think you can live with. That's better than giving up! Keep on putting one foot in front of the other and I wish you strength and serenity.

Thanks for checking in.
Joan

PeaceTrain

Dear Hurting Dad,
Hugs to you and your son. Your love for your son is always evident in your posts.
Because you are his Dad and your vision of your Son's future does not match the reality - therefore you/we hurt. Where there is life there is always hope.
Do what you can live with - you are doing what you see fit under the circumstances.
Be good to yourself, don't second guess your decisions - set your boundaries according to your needs.

Also re the books, Beautiful Boy and Tweak. I read both books and went to the Book store when father and son were appearing in my City. The Son, Nick had just come back from yet another relapse - Feb. 09. I spoke with both father and son afterward and
his Son said something that resonated with me. Nick said that knowing his parents did love him, made him try to get clean and sober. Having his parents remind him that he was loved without enabling him, helped him through some of his darkest time.

Best Wishes

tjp613

Just want to give you a cyber hug (((HurtingDad))) -- I'm sorry your son is not "there" yet...but pray that he will be very soon.

Hope you find some serenity soon.

dorton

I found that when my son was kicked out that having contact only through email was much easier for me. It allowed me to have the peace of knowing he was alive but it gave me distance also. I couldn't bear to hear his voice but email gave me chance to respond if I wanted to and to think about what I would say as well as edit and revise what was said. I think this let me say things I really needed to say rather than just responding to what he said. Finding a computer to email me was also harder for him so that ment he had to make an effort to have contact with us. Hope things improve for your family.

Freedom1990

That really hit home with me, HurtingDad. It's always been about drama, chaos, whining, and lying when the oldest AD calls. I keep the calls very short because I do have a life, just as you do, and it does leave me feeling drained if I let her ramble.

Unfortunately my 14 year old granddaughter has decided to live with her mother, and so I will have regular communication with the AD in regards to having my granddaughter for visits. That's okay because my granddaughter is worth it.

Sending you lots of gentle hugs from Kansas. :ghug2 :ghug2

cherrie1

Hurtingdad,

I know what you are going through because I am going through it with my own son. The only difference is right now he is in jail awaiting sentencing for stealing to support his addiction. I told him don't call me crying you put yourself there. We love you and support you 100% when you are making the right choices but no longer can we afford emotionally or financially to support the addict. It breaks my heart when I think of him in jail but I am at peace knowing he is safe and off the streets. When he calls he sounds like my son again, not the addict. I don't know why they can not see/care how they are throwing their lives away. We have been through several rehabs and thousands of dollars. I finally have had to say enough is enough. You know what you have to do. We expect that he will be sentenced to a court ordered rehab program so as long as he is there and doing right we will be there for him but I said if you relapse again we have to say goodbye it is not fair to us. I pray it never comes to that. Best of luck with your son, I will keep you in my prayers.

dslalonde

Hurting Dad,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know you are just dying inside. But i do not want you to give up hope.
This dark tunnel does have a light at the end. Keep your faith, and mostly, keep your faith in your son.............
My 20 yr old, still clean, happy, working, and joined a gym, works out everyday. A year ago, i would not have believed this!
Yes, i am telling you it can and will happen.
:praying
Susan