Dating an addict. Seeking advice. Hello all. I'm new to this site and I'm looking for advice. I've found myself in a relationship with a recovering addict (cocaine and oxyand benzos). After being caught with weed last year he has been on probation and receives routine drug tests. He stopped using oxy and benzos on his own and tells me that he has control over his addiction. Although he has not used prescription drugs in a long time now, he snorted cocaine and took a bunch of ecstasy pills the other week while on probation. I can't help but feel that he has a problem since he is willing to risk so much for another high. He claims he isn't addicted and just enjoys being high. In addition, to deal with the severe withdrawal from the prescription drugs he turned to alcohol. He went to one AA meeting because he recognized that he has a problem, but doesn't think AA is for him. He thinks he has the will-power to stop whenever he wants. I don't know what to do. I have not ever used illegal substances and want to believe the things he says but I'm scared. I think he needs a lot of help and I don't know what to do. I feel like by agreeing to a relationship with him I have accepted his dangerous behavior. I don't want to end the relationship, but I feel stupid for letting myself become attached to someone so unstable. I like him, but something inside me keeps telling me that I know better. I would appreciated any advice or general comments. I don't know anywhere else to go for help. Thank you, whoever you are. xx |
Originally Posted by bossybrunette
(Post 2338035)
I can't help but feel that he has a problem since he is willing to risk so much for another high. Sounds like his choices are a problem for you. Listen to this voice and let it override the emotional aspects and do what's best for you. You cannot control or cure this. |
He claims he isn't addicted and just enjoys being high. I'm a recovering addict, whatever you want to call it, and I used to be a drunk too. Like Anvil said, that is CLASSIC addict speak. Just like when alcoholics in denial say "I don't need it, I want it".. yah ok. I went to AA too, and decided it wasn't for me. So what did I do? Well I sure as hell didn't drink, or use any drugs. I marched my ass into the nearest addiction counselors' office and had willingness to try anything to stay stopped, and so far, I have. Are you ok with dating an active addict/alcoholic? If so, maybe you found the guy for you.. but if not.. (run). |
I will say what anvil wants to. RUN. Fast. Run run run. It took me a long time to run. And now...I'm a wreck. I tortured myself and destroyed myself trying to HELP him. We can't. All we can do is let them fall. When the people here first told me that I told myself "well my situation is different. I can help him see that something needs to change". No. Don't think like that. It leads to heartache and pain. Every broken promise. Every let down. Every chance you give, they ruin. Every lie they tell...every lie you catch them in. Breaks a little more of your heart, your trust, and your hope. he is willing to risk so much for another high. He claims he isn't addicted and just enjoys being high doesn't think AA is for him. He thinks he has the will-power to stop whenever he wants I'm scared. I think he needs a lot of help and I don't know what to do. I feel like by agreeing to a relationship with him I have accepted his dangerous behavior. I don't want to end the relationship, but I feel stupid for letting myself become attached to someone so unstable. I like him, but something inside me keeps telling me that I know better We can't tell you what to do, at all. All I can do is share what I went through with mine. |
I like him, but something inside me keeps telling me that I know better. |
If you aren't listening to that voice inside of you........... that is where you need to start. I had that same voice... I heard it - but didn't honor it. NOW... years later I am working on figuring out why or how I ended up NOT honoring it. It's there for a reason. So, from my experience, the fact that you have that voice ... and then if you're not listening to it, too - then really - THAT is where you start! Either listen and respect that voice OR... figure out just why the heck you aren't.... and save yourself a LOT of pain in the meantime! |
Respect your hesitation to become further involved. hugs, HG |
Originally Posted by 28Days
(Post 2338077)
It took me a long time to run. And now...I'm a wreck. I tortured myself and destroyed myself trying to HELP him. Every broken promise. Every let down. Every chance you give, they ruin. Every lie they tell...every lie you catch them in. Breaks a little more of your heart, your trust, and your hope. |
HI,welcome. i agree with all the others above. i'm a recovering addict, married but seperated to an addict. it took me 21 yrs to figure out i should have ran as soon as i figured out he had a problem. an addict is known to lie, steal and cheat. take care of you and protect your finances and other valuables you don't want sold or pawn for drugs. i got sober a few yrs ago but it took for my family to cut me out of their lives so that i could suffer the consequences of my bad choices, then and only then was i able to see a need to seek help. there is nothing you can do to help him, thats something he has to do for himself. bottom line is, focus more on you and leave his addiction for him to deal with. i'll be praying for the both of you |
Welcome Bossy.... Amen to all that has been said. Please take care of you and listen to what you are telling yourself. This is not a road you want to travel. Trust us. Best. |
I was recently in your shoes (read my posts from last week) I can only tell you how i wish i would have listened to my intuition and backed away. I had the exact same thoughts you did 6 months ago and my BF said the same things your guy is saying. He said he could drink with no problem as that was not his drug of choice and he had no problems controling drinking...What he failed to say is that when he starts drinking it makes him crave his drug of choice, cocaine. So after a night of drinking he started going out using coke. Trust yourself and your feelings!!! If you dont' feel comfortable with this slow waaay down with him now and please dont' wait like I did and let it go on for months and months you will only end up hurt and having to walk away when he starts treating you badly and choosing the drugs over you.....his first priority and love will be the drug and not your relationship. Trust me you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg!!!!! Stick around and there will be more pain and heartache to come...or step out now and tell him your not comfortable with his drug use and you need to back away. This is honoring yourself and your feelings.....and you deserve that. Unless he gets into a recoevery program and really working it....he won't be any good to you or anybody else. |
Oh girl walk away now!!!!!!!!!!! Run away before you get in further! Trust me this only gets worse and you donnnnt even want to put yourself through the pain your about too.. You should step back try and be a friend, but thats all you can do.. |
RUN fast and run Hard the other way. RUN RUN RUN. |
Originally Posted by bossybrunette
(Post 2338035)
... but doesn't think AA is for him. Seriously, he is an addict and needs help. |
Please read the thread in this forum that I began a few days ago, entitled "I Want To Share My Story." There are 6.2 billion people on this planet....surely you can find someone to get into a relationship with other than this guy. The good folks on this forum are NOT lying or exaggerating, even a little bit, about getting out now before you get in any deeper. There is nothing that this guy is telling you that any of us haven't heard before from our addicts. Haven't you heard the old joke (as cliched and tired as it is) before.... Q: How do you know an active addict is lying? A: Their lips are moving. Another good thing to remember always is watch their actions...don't listen to their words. If he says he doesn't have a problem, but his actions tell you otherwise...well, there's your answer. Glad you're here. Read as much as you can and please, think long and hard before continuing down this path. |
he's what some would call a garbage can addict. He'll take anything to be high. My advice, stop seeing him. One day you may be with him when he gets caught, and that makes you an accomplice and you could find yourself in trouble with the law. And that will be the "least" of your problems. |
Bossybrunette, how are you doing today? Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and I pray you are taking some of the experience, strength, and hope shared here and are processing it. :ghug2 |
whenever I read a post from someone that is on the cusp on "jumping in" with an addict I pray that they may avoid the pain and anguish that has become a major portion of my life. The best way to avoid the pain is to jump out instead of in. The heart can overrule reason in these situations (which is what happened to me) so I definitely understand the pull and the allure to remain connected. 5 years later I deeply regret that I didn't run.....that was the advice that was given to me on this forum. My addict has obtained sobriety but not recovery. I am married to him but I no longer love him or even like him for the most part. That's because he is simply the same addict but not actively using. He was superficially charming and engaging and that snowed me originally. The closeness, the specialness, the everything.....it was a joke, an illusion. For those of us that are not addicts it's a world that we don't understand. In our wildest dreams we can't begin to understand the lying, choices, and behaviors. It's always worse than what we know...the tip of the iceberg. I truly did not understand that. I know what I used to think and then through the years my addict has filled me in on more of the story....if only I had understood the depth of the issue. He lied and covered up to maintain our relationship. Because I don't lie and cover up I never assumed that he would either. How wrong I was. I can't tell you what to do but I sure can share my experience and tell you what I wish that I had done. It sure would have been easier for me to leave the relationship then than it is now. The economy has me tied into a housing situation that makes it difficult to leave. I could have avoided all of this misery by dealing with the short term pain of ending a relationship that I deeply desired but was frought with issues and problems. I played and now I pay. |
tells me that he has control over his addiction claims he isn't addicted and just enjoys being high This is called D E N I A L = it is a place addicts go to in order to protect their addiction and it is a place that you will find yourself living in so that you don't have to face the truth that he is truly addicted. Don't let him take you to that place and don't let yourself go there on your own. He speaks classic addict language, has classic addict behavior. If it looks like a duck - It is a duck. Don't let him other wise. Don't let your heart reason with your head (visa versa) and blindfold yourself to the truth. It is what it is = Addiction something inside me keeps telling me that I know better. Passion Recovering Addict |
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