New and Falling Apart
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 10
New and Falling Apart
Hi everyone, my name is Kacie and I am trying to write thru tears. I am 31 and have a 21 yr old brother and an 18 yr old sister. My sister has been doing drugs for 4 years now and is a heroin addict.
Growing up I was very close to her and often became a mother-like figure to her. She at one point even lived with my husband and I because she continued to runaway from my parents house etc..
She's turned into a complete junkie in my eyes and it is tearing me apart. She disappears for 4 days on a drug run and shows up at my parents house covered in dirt, wearing the same clothes with no underwear, smelling etc... She is just not the same person anymore. She nods off while you are talking to her but completely denies that she is. She lies, steals etc...
I do attend FA meetings weekly and they do help but sometimes I swear I need something everyday to help me get through this nightmare. I at one point was put on a week long medical leave from work because I pretty had a nervous breakdown and my doctor gave me a tranquilizer to help. I now only take it maybe once every 1 to 2 weeks.
Last night something happened that was the last straw for my parents and she was told that she can no longer live with them. I fully agree with them but at the same time it doesn't make it any emotionally easier. I fell apart because there is nothing I can say or do to get my old sister back. I am watching her slip away and the tears are drowning me.
My mom said she just wanted to go her room and lose control. She wanted to just rage in her room and tear everything apart because that is how we all feel inside. I don't blame her. I want to scream, beat her through my tears. Yet nothing will change.
I hate this............. I just hate this.
Growing up I was very close to her and often became a mother-like figure to her. She at one point even lived with my husband and I because she continued to runaway from my parents house etc..
She's turned into a complete junkie in my eyes and it is tearing me apart. She disappears for 4 days on a drug run and shows up at my parents house covered in dirt, wearing the same clothes with no underwear, smelling etc... She is just not the same person anymore. She nods off while you are talking to her but completely denies that she is. She lies, steals etc...
I do attend FA meetings weekly and they do help but sometimes I swear I need something everyday to help me get through this nightmare. I at one point was put on a week long medical leave from work because I pretty had a nervous breakdown and my doctor gave me a tranquilizer to help. I now only take it maybe once every 1 to 2 weeks.
Last night something happened that was the last straw for my parents and she was told that she can no longer live with them. I fully agree with them but at the same time it doesn't make it any emotionally easier. I fell apart because there is nothing I can say or do to get my old sister back. I am watching her slip away and the tears are drowning me.
My mom said she just wanted to go her room and lose control. She wanted to just rage in her room and tear everything apart because that is how we all feel inside. I don't blame her. I want to scream, beat her through my tears. Yet nothing will change.
I hate this............. I just hate this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I'm so sorry you are suffering. I can tell you that your sister may very well reach her bottom as a result of your mom sucessfully detaching and kicking her out. It is the very best thing she can do for her at this point.
Your grief is normal and appropriate. You will have to go through it to get past it, unfortunately.
I can recommend that you go to other meetings, if you would like. You would actually probably enjoy going to open NA meetings, if you need a meeting every day. The people there will listen to you if you share after the meeting, and most of us recovering addicts have had to detach from our using friends and family, so most of us totally can understand and support you. If you like, I can help you find the web site to find some more meetings, if you would like. Welcome home. This is a great place to find some support.
Love,
KJ
Your grief is normal and appropriate. You will have to go through it to get past it, unfortunately.
I can recommend that you go to other meetings, if you would like. You would actually probably enjoy going to open NA meetings, if you need a meeting every day. The people there will listen to you if you share after the meeting, and most of us recovering addicts have had to detach from our using friends and family, so most of us totally can understand and support you. If you like, I can help you find the web site to find some more meetings, if you would like. Welcome home. This is a great place to find some support.
Love,
KJ
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
WELCOME, i'm a recovering addict and i agree with kj. your mom has done the best thing for your sister and for herself. my family totally cut me off and left me to suffer the consequences of my own destructive behavior. then and only then did i see how my addiction was destroying me, then and only then did i get determined with a life or death determination to seek help and to commit to the help.
as long as i had somebody, anybody who would feel sorry enough for me to cushion my fall, i kept using drugs AND using those who loved me. she may think you're not showing love to her and get angry but in the end, once she finds her way, she will probably be so very grateful that you did allow her to suffer in her own misery. i know, today i'm eternally grateful for my family's strenght in letting me fall.
i know its very hard for a loved one to do but if you want to give your sister a fighting chance then do the best you can to leave her alone to suffer the consequence of her bad choices. there is nothing more you can do. take care of yourself cause we all suffer and need help after dealing with addiction.
keep reading and posting as much as you need, we all have been there and share your hurt. we are family here and is here for you whenever you can't find a meeting. i'll keep you and your family in my prayers with a special prayer for your sister.
as long as i had somebody, anybody who would feel sorry enough for me to cushion my fall, i kept using drugs AND using those who loved me. she may think you're not showing love to her and get angry but in the end, once she finds her way, she will probably be so very grateful that you did allow her to suffer in her own misery. i know, today i'm eternally grateful for my family's strenght in letting me fall.
i know its very hard for a loved one to do but if you want to give your sister a fighting chance then do the best you can to leave her alone to suffer the consequence of her bad choices. there is nothing more you can do. take care of yourself cause we all suffer and need help after dealing with addiction.
keep reading and posting as much as you need, we all have been there and share your hurt. we are family here and is here for you whenever you can't find a meeting. i'll keep you and your family in my prayers with a special prayer for your sister.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Kacie. I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. It seems to me that EVERY family I know is dealing with addiction in one form or another. I hope your parents know that they are not alone. If they do not attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon or F.A., maybe you could invite them to go with you to a meeting.
It's kind of strange how I notice that many of the "full-blown" addicts happen to be the YOUNGEST child of the family. Has anyone else noticed this too?
It is so sad that this is the state of human existence. I am wondering if your sister would like to have help in beginning recovery. I know it is very easy to just "help" when we see our loved one in trouble, to tell them what we think they ought to do, to do things automatically. Sometimes we forget to ask the addict if they would like help dealing with their disease. Sometimes it helps them when, even if they say "No" to let them know, "OK, but if you ever want help from me, please let me know." I do this with my Dad every so often, in case he is afraid to reach out for help.
I know this is a long shot but I just thought I would put it out there. Be good to yourself. Take care.
It's kind of strange how I notice that many of the "full-blown" addicts happen to be the YOUNGEST child of the family. Has anyone else noticed this too?
It is so sad that this is the state of human existence. I am wondering if your sister would like to have help in beginning recovery. I know it is very easy to just "help" when we see our loved one in trouble, to tell them what we think they ought to do, to do things automatically. Sometimes we forget to ask the addict if they would like help dealing with their disease. Sometimes it helps them when, even if they say "No" to let them know, "OK, but if you ever want help from me, please let me know." I do this with my Dad every so often, in case he is afraid to reach out for help.
I know this is a long shot but I just thought I would put it out there. Be good to yourself. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi BuddhaLove,
This is a great place to start letting go of some of that anquish. I would maybe share it with your mom as well (I remember many times where I experienced that mom-rage she is going through!).
What winds up happening is that WE as loved ones spend so much energy worrying about the addicted loved ones or trying to get THEM to stop their self-destructive behaviors, we forget that our only real control is over ourselves, and we neglect ourselves. So we wind up "going down" with the addict, into raging, out-of-control behaviors, or into sad, depressive states.
By reading here at SR, including going over what you see in the "stickies" above, and by getting into some self-discovery (I loved Melody Beattie's book 'Codependent No More), and by seeking out counseling and/or al-anon groups, we at least find that life for US doesn't have to be so terribly hard, even while our loved ones make bad choices for themselves.
Welcome to SR, and I hope you stick around AND talk to your mom about finding some help for HERSELF as well.
This is a great place to start letting go of some of that anquish. I would maybe share it with your mom as well (I remember many times where I experienced that mom-rage she is going through!).
What winds up happening is that WE as loved ones spend so much energy worrying about the addicted loved ones or trying to get THEM to stop their self-destructive behaviors, we forget that our only real control is over ourselves, and we neglect ourselves. So we wind up "going down" with the addict, into raging, out-of-control behaviors, or into sad, depressive states.
By reading here at SR, including going over what you see in the "stickies" above, and by getting into some self-discovery (I loved Melody Beattie's book 'Codependent No More), and by seeking out counseling and/or al-anon groups, we at least find that life for US doesn't have to be so terribly hard, even while our loved ones make bad choices for themselves.
Welcome to SR, and I hope you stick around AND talk to your mom about finding some help for HERSELF as well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kacie)))
Welcome to SR, though I am very sorry for why you are here. I am an RA (recovering addict), but I also have loved ones who are addicts, so I know both sides of addiction, and they both hurt.
As much as I'm sure it hurt your parents to do what they did last night, it was absolutely the best thing they could have done. We A's (addicts) have got to hit bottom before we will even think of seeking recovery, as has been said above.
The best thing my family did for me was let me fall on my face and figure out a way to get back up. Even knowing this, however, when I've had to be the one to let my loved ones fall, it is terribly hard and hurts.
I hope you continue to read and post here. There are some wonderful people here, who know what you are going through and have some tremendous ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR, though I am very sorry for why you are here. I am an RA (recovering addict), but I also have loved ones who are addicts, so I know both sides of addiction, and they both hurt.
As much as I'm sure it hurt your parents to do what they did last night, it was absolutely the best thing they could have done. We A's (addicts) have got to hit bottom before we will even think of seeking recovery, as has been said above.
The best thing my family did for me was let me fall on my face and figure out a way to get back up. Even knowing this, however, when I've had to be the one to let my loved ones fall, it is terribly hard and hurts.
I hope you continue to read and post here. There are some wonderful people here, who know what you are going through and have some tremendous ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 88
Kacie,
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. It is a nightmare as you know all too well. My son is my addict and for 2 years I really struggled to hold it together but managed to. This has been through several rehabs and relapses. Everyone kept telling me to go to the doctor but I kept refusing saying there is nothing they could do. I know all too well how it totally consumes you. In January my son relapsed after a year clean and we got a call from him that he was arrested for stealing to support his habit (he lives across the country). I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't put on my smile and go to work and act like everything was ok. I spent 2 weeks in bed. Could not eat (which is unusual for me). So I went to the doctor and she put me on Celexa which is an anti-depressant and it has helped so much. When things come up it still bothers me but it no longer consumes me, I can get on with my life. I am sure this is not the answer for everyone but it worked for me. I do not drink or do drugs myself and did not like the thought of taking anything everyday but I am so glad I did. Your sister is lucky to have such a caring sister and I know how heartbreaking it is that you can't help her. Has she ever been to rehab? Like everyone here says they won't get better until they truly want it and even then it is a struggle. Best of luck to you and your family.
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. It is a nightmare as you know all too well. My son is my addict and for 2 years I really struggled to hold it together but managed to. This has been through several rehabs and relapses. Everyone kept telling me to go to the doctor but I kept refusing saying there is nothing they could do. I know all too well how it totally consumes you. In January my son relapsed after a year clean and we got a call from him that he was arrested for stealing to support his habit (he lives across the country). I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't put on my smile and go to work and act like everything was ok. I spent 2 weeks in bed. Could not eat (which is unusual for me). So I went to the doctor and she put me on Celexa which is an anti-depressant and it has helped so much. When things come up it still bothers me but it no longer consumes me, I can get on with my life. I am sure this is not the answer for everyone but it worked for me. I do not drink or do drugs myself and did not like the thought of taking anything everyday but I am so glad I did. Your sister is lucky to have such a caring sister and I know how heartbreaking it is that you can't help her. Has she ever been to rehab? Like everyone here says they won't get better until they truly want it and even then it is a struggle. Best of luck to you and your family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 10
KJ- Thank you so much for your kind words and reassurance. I certainly hope that this makes my sister hit her rock bottom. It's so hard and definately emotionally draining at times. I am trying to detach with love but am finding that it is not easy. Thank you so much for mentioning going to other meetings as well. Someone private messaged me with some info about it and unfortunately I can't reply because I haven't posted enough yet
Thank you to who did though!!!
Teke- Thank you so much for giving the perspective of the recovering addict! I do hope that my sister realizes how it is destroying her life now that she is cut off from her warm bed, home etc.... She did attempt outpatient rehab about a month ago but quit after 2 weeks. It was actually the following 4 days that she went on her drug run. You are so right about her not thinking we are showing love to her! She tells me all of the time how I hate her etc.... It gets to me sometimes because I have been there for her so much in the past. Thanks again for your support and encouraging words!
Learn- I have tried so hard to get my parents to attend a meeting either with me or on their own and they just won't go. It's strange to because my mom will even cancel at the very last minute to go with me. I wish atleast one of them would go because this has put a huge strain on there marriage as well. My mom did start seeing a therapist though to help her out. At this point my sister after leaving outpatient rehab once after 2 weeks and once after 1 day, she just flat out tells us that she is not done using and that it's fun etc.... I definately tell her though that when she is ready for help that I will help her anyway that I can. Thank you so much Learn!
Peace- I recommended that my mom join the site as well
Now if she does is another story LOL. Oh my goodness you are so right about how we going down with the addict as well. I have spent many nights thinking 'here I am crying/fretting and she is out there having a great old time without a care in the world.' Those are the times I get angry and say 'no more' to myself. I find that I do better as far as taking care of myself if I am in the angry stage or the I don't give a crud stage. Yesterday is probably the worst I have cried since the night I confronted her about her drug use (my parents were in denial for awhile). I imagine that it gets easier over time for the family/friends of the addict to use the tools? Thank you so much Peace!
Amy- Thanks for the hugs! Thanks so much for the encouragement that we are all making the right decisions and giving the right boundaries even though it is so hard on the heart. I will definately keep reading and writing here. Everyone has been so wonderful already!
Cherrie- Thank you so much for sharing your story and your words of encouragement. It's amazing the roller coaster that addiction causes. I have taken an anti-panic medication for years and my doctor did adjust the dose for me which has definately helped a lot. I haven't had anymore complete breakdowns where I couldn't function since that one week of medical leave. I am like you though I agree that the medication does help if you need it. My sister will flat out tell you now that she wants to continue using and she has tried outpatient for 2 very short stents within the last month or so. One she dropped out after 2 weeks and then went back. Then she went for 1 day and left on 4 day drug run basically.
Love to All,
Kacie
Thank you to who did though!!!Teke- Thank you so much for giving the perspective of the recovering addict! I do hope that my sister realizes how it is destroying her life now that she is cut off from her warm bed, home etc.... She did attempt outpatient rehab about a month ago but quit after 2 weeks. It was actually the following 4 days that she went on her drug run. You are so right about her not thinking we are showing love to her! She tells me all of the time how I hate her etc.... It gets to me sometimes because I have been there for her so much in the past. Thanks again for your support and encouraging words!
Learn- I have tried so hard to get my parents to attend a meeting either with me or on their own and they just won't go. It's strange to because my mom will even cancel at the very last minute to go with me. I wish atleast one of them would go because this has put a huge strain on there marriage as well. My mom did start seeing a therapist though to help her out. At this point my sister after leaving outpatient rehab once after 2 weeks and once after 1 day, she just flat out tells us that she is not done using and that it's fun etc.... I definately tell her though that when she is ready for help that I will help her anyway that I can. Thank you so much Learn!
Peace- I recommended that my mom join the site as well
Now if she does is another story LOL. Oh my goodness you are so right about how we going down with the addict as well. I have spent many nights thinking 'here I am crying/fretting and she is out there having a great old time without a care in the world.' Those are the times I get angry and say 'no more' to myself. I find that I do better as far as taking care of myself if I am in the angry stage or the I don't give a crud stage. Yesterday is probably the worst I have cried since the night I confronted her about her drug use (my parents were in denial for awhile). I imagine that it gets easier over time for the family/friends of the addict to use the tools? Thank you so much Peace!Amy- Thanks for the hugs! Thanks so much for the encouragement that we are all making the right decisions and giving the right boundaries even though it is so hard on the heart. I will definately keep reading and writing here. Everyone has been so wonderful already!
Cherrie- Thank you so much for sharing your story and your words of encouragement. It's amazing the roller coaster that addiction causes. I have taken an anti-panic medication for years and my doctor did adjust the dose for me which has definately helped a lot. I haven't had anymore complete breakdowns where I couldn't function since that one week of medical leave. I am like you though I agree that the medication does help if you need it. My sister will flat out tell you now that she wants to continue using and she has tried outpatient for 2 very short stents within the last month or so. One she dropped out after 2 weeks and then went back. Then she went for 1 day and left on 4 day drug run basically.
Love to All,
Kacie
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
she is truly bless to having such loving family. i think you are an adorable sister. lets just say she likes using for now. left alone, i just don't see how it could possibly be fun for long. her even attenpting out patient treatment could be a sign that the fun part is wearing thin for her. its good that she know how and where to seek help. i'm wondering if she has ever considered in house treatment?
addiction is a miserable life to live so lets just pray that she finds her way soon.
addiction is a miserable life to live so lets just pray that she finds her way soon.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
BuddaLuv,
Welcome to SR. It is a great place to find experience, strength and hope.
My 28 yr old son is my addict.
I attend NarAnon and AlAnon each week. The NarAnon group is mainly parents and they do spend a bit of time talking about their addicts and what they are doing. The AlAnon group is mainly spouses or exspouses and they focus ALOT on themselves. So I get some good things from both groups. Fortunately I live in a city where there are a lot of meetings to choose from.
Keep reading, posting and taking care of yourself!
Welcome to SR. It is a great place to find experience, strength and hope.
My 28 yr old son is my addict.
I attend NarAnon and AlAnon each week. The NarAnon group is mainly parents and they do spend a bit of time talking about their addicts and what they are doing. The AlAnon group is mainly spouses or exspouses and they focus ALOT on themselves. So I get some good things from both groups. Fortunately I live in a city where there are a lot of meetings to choose from.
Keep reading, posting and taking care of yourself!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 10
Teke- She is truly blessed to have us, she just doesn't know it I guess. Or the heroin isn't allowing her to see that. I really wish she would stop saying that we all hate her. Sometimes it doesn't bother me but other times I just want to release the fury on her 
LOL.
Thanks for thinking of me as an adorable sister! That made me smile
The last place I took her when she was clean and we actually had a great time together was Build-A-Bear. It was last October and she was doing really well. (She had been using cocaine prior to that.) We both made stuffed animals together. The sad part is that I sleep with the monkey I made, every night now. It's my only way of falling to sleep with good memories.
My parents had researched a bunch of in-patient rehabs but so far she has refused to go. She wouldn't even go and tour them....ugh. I think it would be the best place for her. Hopefully since she won't have a soft place to fall anymore then she will rethink everything that she is doing.
JMF- Thank you for the welcome and I am sorry to hear about your son. Thanks for the info about the Nar-Anon and the Al-Anon meetings and what they are like. I found one semi-close to me on Wednesday evenings so I am going to try a Nar-Anon meeting next week. I will let you know how it goes!
Love Kacie
LOL. Thanks for thinking of me as an adorable sister! That made me smile
The last place I took her when she was clean and we actually had a great time together was Build-A-Bear. It was last October and she was doing really well. (She had been using cocaine prior to that.) We both made stuffed animals together. The sad part is that I sleep with the monkey I made, every night now. It's my only way of falling to sleep with good memories. My parents had researched a bunch of in-patient rehabs but so far she has refused to go. She wouldn't even go and tour them....ugh. I think it would be the best place for her. Hopefully since she won't have a soft place to fall anymore then she will rethink everything that she is doing.
JMF- Thank you for the welcome and I am sorry to hear about your son. Thanks for the info about the Nar-Anon and the Al-Anon meetings and what they are like. I found one semi-close to me on Wednesday evenings so I am going to try a Nar-Anon meeting next week. I will let you know how it goes!
Love Kacie
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