I Want to Share My Story
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
I Want to Share My Story
Background about me - I have no addiction issues whatsoever, and my family doesn't either. As a teenager, I smoked pot pretty regularly (but recreationally) however I was always too scared to try any harder drugs. I stopped smoking pot when I was about 22 (I'm almost 32 now). I drink alcohol VERY rarely. It's a control thing for me....I don't like feeling out-of-control of myself. I have lurked here on the SR forums for years and Anvilhead, I really feel I owe a lot to you especially, for telling it like it is. Thank you for your compassionate but unyielding honesty.
Anyway, I have known my addict since kindergarten. We grew up two streets away from each other and went to kindergarten through third grade together. After that, my family moved from that neighborhood. However, years later, when I was in college, I got a waitressing job at a local restaurant where his mom had worked for twenty years. I didn't make the connection until a few months later, when I saw him come in to visit her at work. I immediately recognized him and asked his mom about him. He was honestly the most jaw-droppingly handsome guy I had ever seen. Tall, lean, beautiful face. I'm talking male model material here! His mom told me to give her my phone number and she'd set us up. Looking back, I know now that she was setting us up in the hopes that I would be a good influence on him.
We went on a few dates and things were OK. About a month into dating, we were supposed to meet one night at his house and go out to dinner. When I got there, he was nowhere to be found. I sat there for an hour waiting for him to show up, but he never did. I was angry and confused. Several days later, he called me and asked to see me again. He wasn't really apologetic and offered no explanation for his disappearance. Dumb, 19-year old me accepted that behavior. I should have known better but thought I'd give him another chance. Again, dumb, dumb, dumb.
Our "relationship" progressed...although when you're with an active addict, how much progression can there really be? When he was clean and trying to behave, he was the sweetest, most romantic guy in the world. But when most of his paydays rolled around, he would take off for days at a time. I never suspected drugs, because I had had no exposure to that type of lifestyle before, so when his family finally let me in on the secret....I was shocked. But not deterred. Dumb, dumb me.
I went through the same feelings and actions that every single person on Sober Recovery has gone through in dealing with an addict: begging, pleading, bargaining, stalking him, holding his money for him, going to church and NA meetings with him, etc. I really believed that deep down he was a good person with a bad problem. For the record, I still believe that...but eventually I learned that he wasn't going to change for anything...not even for me. Did he love me? Yes, I guarantee that he did truly love me, in his own effed-up way. But nothing about his life was normal! And I eventually recognized that he would not/could not be a reliable, stable life partner. He lied and cheated on me so much that I never knew when he was actually being honest! We broke up and got back together about a million times, he would promise me the world, etc. but nothing ever changed.
After a while, though, if you're in that kind of relationship....that roller coaster seems normal. You get addicted to that drama. The idea of meeting/dating non-addicts was boring! Nice guys weren't a challenge for me. Yikes. I was almost as sick in the head as my addict was!
He went to jail multiple times, went to court-ordered rehabs, lost jobs, blew through his money, etc. There wasn't really one specific "moment of clarity" for me to end the relationship; it just slowly dawned on me that this is not what I wanted or deserved for my life. My relationship with him strained all of my other important family and friend relationships, too, and that really killed me, as my family and friends are EVERYTHING to me. So we broke up for good after a little over three years together, in 2001.
We did keep in phone contact intermittently over the years. I always had a soft spot for him but I just wouldn't allow myself to get sucked back in. In the meantime, I met, dated, and married the man who is now my husband. My husband is my hero. He has no addiction issues, is successful, smart, and treats me like gold. I am LUCKY. We have a wonderful life together and are expecting our first child later this year.
Here comes the hard part...my addict attempted suicide in March 2007. He called me after waking up from a weeklong coma and asked to see me. I went to visit him in the hospital. He was crying and vowed that this was finally his bottom. He joined NA, attended meetings every single day, got a sponsor, and began to seriously try to attain a clean and sober life. He really tried. But he had had a drug problem at this point for nearly 2/3 of his life...it was too much for him. We slowly grew apart again as I saw his patterns re-emerging.
He relapsed a few times last year. He started trying to suck me back into the chaos, and at that point (March 2009), I clearly stated that my wish was for him to get well and stay out of my life. There were a few things he did in the past two years that really, really hurt me and took advantage of my friendship. I got my wish--he actually left me alone.
On Saturday, 8/8/2009, I got a phone call from his girlfriend of 5 years, also a recovering addict. My addict intentionally overdosed on a ridiculous combination of drugs. Apparently, the last time he relapsed was around Xmas 2008. He got a DUI at that time, his third DUI. The court date for this was supposed to be Monday, 8/10. He knew he would be going back to jail for a long, long time and was terrified of it. So a week before his court date, he went out on a huge binge on just about every drug you could name...heroin, crack, pills, etc. He died while asleep/unconscious in his girlfriend's bed early Saturday morning. She was next to him and awoke to find him dead.
That could have been me waking up to him. Thank god it wasn't. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. So when they say that untreated addiction only leads to jail, institutions, or death....it is true. And they will drag you right down with them. I was fortunate enough to have put boundaries in place for myself...I looked after myself and my own peace of mind. You have to be as selfish about your own needs as the addict is about getting his fix. Otherwise you will be lost.
I attended his funeral last Thursday morning. Although I am very sad, I can't really say I am surprised that it ended this way for him. He is finally at peace. He had had a drug problem since he was 12. He would have turned 33 later this month. He was tired from the fight.
Thanks for reading.
Anyway, I have known my addict since kindergarten. We grew up two streets away from each other and went to kindergarten through third grade together. After that, my family moved from that neighborhood. However, years later, when I was in college, I got a waitressing job at a local restaurant where his mom had worked for twenty years. I didn't make the connection until a few months later, when I saw him come in to visit her at work. I immediately recognized him and asked his mom about him. He was honestly the most jaw-droppingly handsome guy I had ever seen. Tall, lean, beautiful face. I'm talking male model material here! His mom told me to give her my phone number and she'd set us up. Looking back, I know now that she was setting us up in the hopes that I would be a good influence on him.
We went on a few dates and things were OK. About a month into dating, we were supposed to meet one night at his house and go out to dinner. When I got there, he was nowhere to be found. I sat there for an hour waiting for him to show up, but he never did. I was angry and confused. Several days later, he called me and asked to see me again. He wasn't really apologetic and offered no explanation for his disappearance. Dumb, 19-year old me accepted that behavior. I should have known better but thought I'd give him another chance. Again, dumb, dumb, dumb.
Our "relationship" progressed...although when you're with an active addict, how much progression can there really be? When he was clean and trying to behave, he was the sweetest, most romantic guy in the world. But when most of his paydays rolled around, he would take off for days at a time. I never suspected drugs, because I had had no exposure to that type of lifestyle before, so when his family finally let me in on the secret....I was shocked. But not deterred. Dumb, dumb me.
I went through the same feelings and actions that every single person on Sober Recovery has gone through in dealing with an addict: begging, pleading, bargaining, stalking him, holding his money for him, going to church and NA meetings with him, etc. I really believed that deep down he was a good person with a bad problem. For the record, I still believe that...but eventually I learned that he wasn't going to change for anything...not even for me. Did he love me? Yes, I guarantee that he did truly love me, in his own effed-up way. But nothing about his life was normal! And I eventually recognized that he would not/could not be a reliable, stable life partner. He lied and cheated on me so much that I never knew when he was actually being honest! We broke up and got back together about a million times, he would promise me the world, etc. but nothing ever changed.
After a while, though, if you're in that kind of relationship....that roller coaster seems normal. You get addicted to that drama. The idea of meeting/dating non-addicts was boring! Nice guys weren't a challenge for me. Yikes. I was almost as sick in the head as my addict was!
He went to jail multiple times, went to court-ordered rehabs, lost jobs, blew through his money, etc. There wasn't really one specific "moment of clarity" for me to end the relationship; it just slowly dawned on me that this is not what I wanted or deserved for my life. My relationship with him strained all of my other important family and friend relationships, too, and that really killed me, as my family and friends are EVERYTHING to me. So we broke up for good after a little over three years together, in 2001.
We did keep in phone contact intermittently over the years. I always had a soft spot for him but I just wouldn't allow myself to get sucked back in. In the meantime, I met, dated, and married the man who is now my husband. My husband is my hero. He has no addiction issues, is successful, smart, and treats me like gold. I am LUCKY. We have a wonderful life together and are expecting our first child later this year.
Here comes the hard part...my addict attempted suicide in March 2007. He called me after waking up from a weeklong coma and asked to see me. I went to visit him in the hospital. He was crying and vowed that this was finally his bottom. He joined NA, attended meetings every single day, got a sponsor, and began to seriously try to attain a clean and sober life. He really tried. But he had had a drug problem at this point for nearly 2/3 of his life...it was too much for him. We slowly grew apart again as I saw his patterns re-emerging.
He relapsed a few times last year. He started trying to suck me back into the chaos, and at that point (March 2009), I clearly stated that my wish was for him to get well and stay out of my life. There were a few things he did in the past two years that really, really hurt me and took advantage of my friendship. I got my wish--he actually left me alone.
On Saturday, 8/8/2009, I got a phone call from his girlfriend of 5 years, also a recovering addict. My addict intentionally overdosed on a ridiculous combination of drugs. Apparently, the last time he relapsed was around Xmas 2008. He got a DUI at that time, his third DUI. The court date for this was supposed to be Monday, 8/10. He knew he would be going back to jail for a long, long time and was terrified of it. So a week before his court date, he went out on a huge binge on just about every drug you could name...heroin, crack, pills, etc. He died while asleep/unconscious in his girlfriend's bed early Saturday morning. She was next to him and awoke to find him dead.
That could have been me waking up to him. Thank god it wasn't. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. So when they say that untreated addiction only leads to jail, institutions, or death....it is true. And they will drag you right down with them. I was fortunate enough to have put boundaries in place for myself...I looked after myself and my own peace of mind. You have to be as selfish about your own needs as the addict is about getting his fix. Otherwise you will be lost.
I attended his funeral last Thursday morning. Although I am very sad, I can't really say I am surprised that it ended this way for him. He is finally at peace. He had had a drug problem since he was 12. He would have turned 33 later this month. He was tired from the fight.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
My EXAH is deceased also. He died from complications due to AIDS, which he contracted while sharing needles (I was in rehab at the time and never went back to him).
Even though we had been apart for almost 20 years when he died, it had a profound effect on me.
I was sad, but I was also incredibly grateful that I embraced recovery like my life depended on it because it surely did.
I know he is at peace now, and I hope he is smiling down on me knowing how far I have come.
:ghug2 :ghug2
My EXAH is deceased also. He died from complications due to AIDS, which he contracted while sharing needles (I was in rehab at the time and never went back to him).
Even though we had been apart for almost 20 years when he died, it had a profound effect on me.
I was sad, but I was also incredibly grateful that I embraced recovery like my life depended on it because it surely did.
I know he is at peace now, and I hope he is smiling down on me knowing how far I have come.
:ghug2 :ghug2
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
Hi TruthHurts, How are you today? I emailed you. Thank you for sharing your story. I am speechless and my heart goes out to you and to his family. A very sad ending and a testament to the horrors of the drug life. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Westland, Pennsylvania
Posts: 247
I am so sorry for your loss I know first hand also my son died in his sleep due to overdose of herion I think God planned it that way because he just could not stop he went to rehab. Same old story he would say I am not going to do that again. He did turn to God for some help and God took him so he could have some peace. I will be praying for you and his family grief is heavy burden.
A friend,
Maggiemac
A friend,
Maggiemac
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Truthhurts:
I have gone down that road also. My 60-some YO alcoholic father, after being treated for many prostate infections, was scheduled by his doctor for a prostate biopsy. He had just seen a good friend die from cancer, and my father was realizing that he may also have cancer. Having lived a life of escape from all his problems, he used the same tactic and committed suicide. It is the final "no!" It is also the most selfish thing a person can do to their loved ones. He took a gun, went down into the basement, put it in his mouth and did the deed leaving his wife (my mother) to find him. She then had to live in that house for some time. I had moved out of the home for several years by then. I had a job at the police station and was working when the call came in. My job was in the dispatch area, and my job was to answer phones and get info from people who needed the police at their house. Mercifully, somebody else took that call, but it could have easily been me as there were only 2 of us working that night. The other person who did take that call (a policeman) put the call out on the scrambled frequency, and i wondered why he was doing that - that frequency is usually reserved for crimes in progress and I knew we did not have anything like that going on. When i walked over to his work station and saw my parent's address on the card with no other info on it, i knew right away something bad had happened. I found out in the next few minutes what that was. One of my supervisors had a patrol car take me over there so i would not have to drive.
Yes, it could have been you but God has blessed you with the strength to get out of that relationship and gave you the strength to go on with your life not only surviving but thriving.
My own rubbing up against the fact that addiction kills has given me the impetus to let go of my addict son pretty early in his addiction hoping that he will hit that proverbial wall while he is still young enough to survive it. I see and hear people acknowledge the fact that addiction can kill their loved one, but i can tell that they really haven't internalized it quite the same as I have and, now that you have experienced it, the same way that you have.
Thank you for sharing and giving me the opportunity to tell some of my story.
Sojourner
I have gone down that road also. My 60-some YO alcoholic father, after being treated for many prostate infections, was scheduled by his doctor for a prostate biopsy. He had just seen a good friend die from cancer, and my father was realizing that he may also have cancer. Having lived a life of escape from all his problems, he used the same tactic and committed suicide. It is the final "no!" It is also the most selfish thing a person can do to their loved ones. He took a gun, went down into the basement, put it in his mouth and did the deed leaving his wife (my mother) to find him. She then had to live in that house for some time. I had moved out of the home for several years by then. I had a job at the police station and was working when the call came in. My job was in the dispatch area, and my job was to answer phones and get info from people who needed the police at their house. Mercifully, somebody else took that call, but it could have easily been me as there were only 2 of us working that night. The other person who did take that call (a policeman) put the call out on the scrambled frequency, and i wondered why he was doing that - that frequency is usually reserved for crimes in progress and I knew we did not have anything like that going on. When i walked over to his work station and saw my parent's address on the card with no other info on it, i knew right away something bad had happened. I found out in the next few minutes what that was. One of my supervisors had a patrol car take me over there so i would not have to drive.
Yes, it could have been you but God has blessed you with the strength to get out of that relationship and gave you the strength to go on with your life not only surviving but thriving.
My own rubbing up against the fact that addiction kills has given me the impetus to let go of my addict son pretty early in his addiction hoping that he will hit that proverbial wall while he is still young enough to survive it. I see and hear people acknowledge the fact that addiction can kill their loved one, but i can tell that they really haven't internalized it quite the same as I have and, now that you have experienced it, the same way that you have.
Thank you for sharing and giving me the opportunity to tell some of my story.
Sojourner
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
okay... our stories are so similar in some ways.. i worry so much for my addict that he will too pass away if he doesnt realize theirs MORE to life 
my problem is that i worry this time HE WONT try and contact me, he is the type who can just get up and go no remorse sociopathic and just never think of the person again how would i ever know if something happened to him... you are very right about taking care of yourself, getting good sleeps, moving forward. i just wish i could get him out of that spot in my heart... the funeral must have been the hardest thing for you, but in a way it is such a good thing that wasnt you, that would be terrable and the WORST situation anyone could be in. I hope your doing alright.. 
my problem is that i worry this time HE WONT try and contact me, he is the type who can just get up and go no remorse sociopathic and just never think of the person again how would i ever know if something happened to him... you are very right about taking care of yourself, getting good sleeps, moving forward. i just wish i could get him out of that spot in my heart... the funeral must have been the hardest thing for you, but in a way it is such a good thing that wasnt you, that would be terrable and the WORST situation anyone could be in. I hope your doing alright.. the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((truthhurts))))
Thanks for your story. I am very glad that you were able to get out. Still I know it has been a loss for you and for that I send you my condolences. May he rip...
((((lost))))
one of the hardest lesson for us codies to learn is that we cannot make them change and when they are able to change we have to know that it is a miracle and nothing that came from us. I have learned the very best I can do for them is to stay out of their way and to pray for them.
Thanks for your story. I am very glad that you were able to get out. Still I know it has been a loss for you and for that I send you my condolences. May he rip...
((((lost))))
one of the hardest lesson for us codies to learn is that we cannot make them change and when they are able to change we have to know that it is a miracle and nothing that came from us. I have learned the very best I can do for them is to stay out of their way and to pray for them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
Thank you for all the support.
In a way, I am grateful because my experience with him has taught me the essence of "loving detachment," which by the way is an extremely useful skill to have in any number of life situations, not just when dealing with addicts.
He knew how much I loved him and cared about him. He wasn't angry that I told him to please stop contacting me and let me live my life. He never blamed me for that.
This may seem odd, but I also feel fortunate that I have not experienced any guilty feelings. Somewhere along the line, the "three Cs" that we all read about here and repeat to ourselves and each other ad nauseum finally must have sunken into my thick skull! His choice to kill himself had NOTHING to do with me. He would have done this regardless of whether or not I was still in communication with him.
Also, I am not at all angry at him, although I know his family and his girlfriend are definitely feeling some anger towards him for doing this.
Really, it's more tragic than anything, but this is how the universe intended for things to unfold. There is nothing I could or couldn't have done to change this outcome and I accept that. There is nothing that anyone could have done. I feel relieved for him, in a way. He is done running.
I am extremely grateful to have known him as a child, before addiction caught hold of him; whenever I feel bad about this, I simply pause and remember him as he was when he was my first-grade classmate. It doesn't fail to bring a smile to my face.
In a way, I am grateful because my experience with him has taught me the essence of "loving detachment," which by the way is an extremely useful skill to have in any number of life situations, not just when dealing with addicts.
He knew how much I loved him and cared about him. He wasn't angry that I told him to please stop contacting me and let me live my life. He never blamed me for that.
This may seem odd, but I also feel fortunate that I have not experienced any guilty feelings. Somewhere along the line, the "three Cs" that we all read about here and repeat to ourselves and each other ad nauseum finally must have sunken into my thick skull! His choice to kill himself had NOTHING to do with me. He would have done this regardless of whether or not I was still in communication with him.
Also, I am not at all angry at him, although I know his family and his girlfriend are definitely feeling some anger towards him for doing this.
Really, it's more tragic than anything, but this is how the universe intended for things to unfold. There is nothing I could or couldn't have done to change this outcome and I accept that. There is nothing that anyone could have done. I feel relieved for him, in a way. He is done running.
I am extremely grateful to have known him as a child, before addiction caught hold of him; whenever I feel bad about this, I simply pause and remember him as he was when he was my first-grade classmate. It doesn't fail to bring a smile to my face.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
thank you for sharing that! I am so glad that you put your boundaries in place and found happiness. Your ex was never going bring you anything but despair. I am so grateful that it wasn't you in the bed next to him.
I ALWAYS worried about that with my AH.
I ALWAYS worried about that with my AH.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
Today my addict would have turned 33.
I was looking through some old (really, REALLY old) journal entries and came across a list of things that I put together when I was nearing the decision to break off my relationship with him (in 2000). I wanted to share this with you guys...in the hopes that my reasons might help someone else out there in a similar situation. I ended our relationship about a month after I wrote out this list:
I find myself in "monitoring" mode with him...silently questioning and doubting everything he says and doesn't say. If we stayed together, I would always be wondering if he were telling me the truth. On his days off, I would always be wondering what he was doing and who he was with. I would wonder how he spends his money. I can't live like that.
I know that I will always be on edge with him, waiting for the other shoe to drop as it pertains to his addiction. I would never be able to truly relax and be at ease with him in my life, and I am just not willing to live that way.
He lies. Not just outright, which is definitely a violation, but also by omission of facts...which is still lying nonetheless. In fact, most of the time I just don't know when he's being honest. And it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with a liar.
He is selfish. If it's not about him, he doesn't want to hear about it. I can't have a relationship with a selfish person.
He lacks empathy for others, unless it serves his own specific purposes.
He is unable to see the other side of things; he can't handle conflict or differences of opinions without getting personally upset or extremely defensive.
He's immature. Most men are, in one way or another...but he's REALLY immature.
My family would never accept him; his family would probably never accept me, either.
I want babies someday; he doesn't. Even if he did, would he be a reliable father? Not likely.
His financial life is in shambles and will probably take years to fix. No savings, bad credit, outstanding debts, etc. He could possibly ruin my financial situation, which I have worked extremely hard to maintain.
Possible sex/porn addiction? Down the road, would he neglect me for the "quick fix" of porn? Don't know, but not willing to take the chance.
He smoke cigarettes and I recently quit smoking; I don't think I could have any kind of long-term relationship with a smoker.
I drink, although only very occasionally and never to excess. He may never be comfortable with that.
Not sure if I could ever really get past/let go of all the things he did to me during his active addiction: the cheating, the manipulation, the neglect, the anger, the attitude he gave me, the lies.
I will never come first in his life, whether or not he is in active addiction. When he is, the drugs would come first; when he's clean and sober, his sobriety and NA activities would come first.
I was looking through some old (really, REALLY old) journal entries and came across a list of things that I put together when I was nearing the decision to break off my relationship with him (in 2000). I wanted to share this with you guys...in the hopes that my reasons might help someone else out there in a similar situation. I ended our relationship about a month after I wrote out this list:
I find myself in "monitoring" mode with him...silently questioning and doubting everything he says and doesn't say. If we stayed together, I would always be wondering if he were telling me the truth. On his days off, I would always be wondering what he was doing and who he was with. I would wonder how he spends his money. I can't live like that.
I know that I will always be on edge with him, waiting for the other shoe to drop as it pertains to his addiction. I would never be able to truly relax and be at ease with him in my life, and I am just not willing to live that way.
He lies. Not just outright, which is definitely a violation, but also by omission of facts...which is still lying nonetheless. In fact, most of the time I just don't know when he's being honest. And it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with a liar.
He is selfish. If it's not about him, he doesn't want to hear about it. I can't have a relationship with a selfish person.
He lacks empathy for others, unless it serves his own specific purposes.
He is unable to see the other side of things; he can't handle conflict or differences of opinions without getting personally upset or extremely defensive.
He's immature. Most men are, in one way or another...but he's REALLY immature.
My family would never accept him; his family would probably never accept me, either.
I want babies someday; he doesn't. Even if he did, would he be a reliable father? Not likely.
His financial life is in shambles and will probably take years to fix. No savings, bad credit, outstanding debts, etc. He could possibly ruin my financial situation, which I have worked extremely hard to maintain.
Possible sex/porn addiction? Down the road, would he neglect me for the "quick fix" of porn? Don't know, but not willing to take the chance.
He smoke cigarettes and I recently quit smoking; I don't think I could have any kind of long-term relationship with a smoker.
I drink, although only very occasionally and never to excess. He may never be comfortable with that.
Not sure if I could ever really get past/let go of all the things he did to me during his active addiction: the cheating, the manipulation, the neglect, the anger, the attitude he gave me, the lies.
I will never come first in his life, whether or not he is in active addiction. When he is, the drugs would come first; when he's clean and sober, his sobriety and NA activities would come first.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Butterfly1114 
Truthhurts,
Thank You so much for sharing this....very profound and thought provoking. I found myself feeling sad today about walking away from my addicted BF and your post confirmed why i need to stay away.....
Thank You so much for sharing this....very profound and thought provoking. I found myself feeling sad today about walking away from my addicted BF and your post confirmed why i need to stay away.....
I ask you this as lovingly as possible....why do you still refer to him as your BF?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
Good observation,,,Guess I would call that a freudian slip....thank you for the reminder. I was caught up today thinking about the good times we shared and missing that....Wishing it could be different. Althought I know it will never be. The appropriate term now would be EXBF.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by truthhurts
Today my addict would have turned 33.
I was looking through some old (really, REALLY old) journal entries and came across a list of things that I put together when I was nearing the decision to break off my relationship with him (in 2000). I wanted to share this with you guys...in the hopes that my reasons might help someone else out there in a similar situation. I ended our relationship about a month after I wrote out this list:
I find myself in "monitoring" mode with him...silently questioning and doubting everything he says and doesn't say. If we stayed together, I would always be wondering if he were telling me the truth. On his days off, I would always be wondering what he was doing and who he was with. I would wonder how he spends his money. I can't live like that.
I know that I will always be on edge with him, waiting for the other shoe to drop as it pertains to his addiction. I would never be able to truly relax and be at ease with him in my life, and I am just not willing to live that way.
He lies. Not just outright, which is definitely a violation, but also by omission of facts...which is still lying nonetheless. In fact, most of the time I just don't know when he's being honest. And it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with a liar.
He is selfish. If it's not about him, he doesn't want to hear about it. I can't have a relationship with a selfish person.
He lacks empathy for others, unless it serves his own specific purposes.
He is unable to see the other side of things; he can't handle conflict or differences of opinions without getting personally upset or extremely defensive.
He's immature. Most men are, in one way or another...but he's REALLY immature.
My family would never accept him; his family would probably never accept me, either.
I want babies someday; he doesn't. Even if he did, would he be a reliable father? Not likely.
His financial life is in shambles and will probably take years to fix. No savings, bad credit, outstanding debts, etc. He could possibly ruin my financial situation, which I have worked extremely hard to maintain.
Possible sex/porn addiction? Down the road, would he neglect me for the "quick fix" of porn? Don't know, but not willing to take the chance.
He smoke cigarettes and I recently quit smoking; I don't think I could have any kind of long-term relationship with a smoker.
I drink, although only very occasionally and never to excess. He may never be comfortable with that.
Not sure if I could ever really get past/let go of all the things he did to me during his active addiction: the cheating, the manipulation, the neglect, the anger, the attitude he gave me, the lies.
I will never come first in his life, whether or not he is in active addiction. When he is, the drugs would come first; when he's clean and sober, his sobriety and NA activities would come first.
I was looking through some old (really, REALLY old) journal entries and came across a list of things that I put together when I was nearing the decision to break off my relationship with him (in 2000). I wanted to share this with you guys...in the hopes that my reasons might help someone else out there in a similar situation. I ended our relationship about a month after I wrote out this list:
I find myself in "monitoring" mode with him...silently questioning and doubting everything he says and doesn't say. If we stayed together, I would always be wondering if he were telling me the truth. On his days off, I would always be wondering what he was doing and who he was with. I would wonder how he spends his money. I can't live like that.
I know that I will always be on edge with him, waiting for the other shoe to drop as it pertains to his addiction. I would never be able to truly relax and be at ease with him in my life, and I am just not willing to live that way.
He lies. Not just outright, which is definitely a violation, but also by omission of facts...which is still lying nonetheless. In fact, most of the time I just don't know when he's being honest. And it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with a liar.
He is selfish. If it's not about him, he doesn't want to hear about it. I can't have a relationship with a selfish person.
He lacks empathy for others, unless it serves his own specific purposes.
He is unable to see the other side of things; he can't handle conflict or differences of opinions without getting personally upset or extremely defensive.
He's immature. Most men are, in one way or another...but he's REALLY immature.
My family would never accept him; his family would probably never accept me, either.
I want babies someday; he doesn't. Even if he did, would he be a reliable father? Not likely.
His financial life is in shambles and will probably take years to fix. No savings, bad credit, outstanding debts, etc. He could possibly ruin my financial situation, which I have worked extremely hard to maintain.
Possible sex/porn addiction? Down the road, would he neglect me for the "quick fix" of porn? Don't know, but not willing to take the chance.
He smoke cigarettes and I recently quit smoking; I don't think I could have any kind of long-term relationship with a smoker.
I drink, although only very occasionally and never to excess. He may never be comfortable with that.
Not sure if I could ever really get past/let go of all the things he did to me during his active addiction: the cheating, the manipulation, the neglect, the anger, the attitude he gave me, the lies.
I will never come first in his life, whether or not he is in active addiction. When he is, the drugs would come first; when he's clean and sober, his sobriety and NA activities would come first.
My biggest fear has always been that my ex will die from his addiction. I am so sorry that this happened to you. However, your detachment has empowered me to realize this is reality and I am better off for having to walk away and to care about him from a distance. I need to overcome the possible fantasy of what he could be and accept the reality of what it truly is.
I've been journaling for 17 years...and the last 6 are all about my ex. Even though journaling is a very good way to vent out your anger and fustrations, it is also good to see the dysfunction that you were dealing with and how you have personally grown over the years. I hope to grow as much as you have, and to realize that we are better off loving them from a distance. And your story has shown that this is the healthiest way to go. So thank you. And my sincere condolences to you.
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