Butterfly14

Thank you for this. Now I look back over the last 8 months and think about all the stuff that happened and how the signs were there but i didn't put it all together till recently I had suspicion but no proof nothing tangible...and I must admit i just didn't want to believe it i wanted to believe he was sober like he said. Now it has escalted and you can't help but see he is using, at least i can't though i think his family is in denial. Regardless, i do know now and will stay away. It is actually much worse than i thought now that i suspect it is crack and to me it is worse in some ways. It is best for me to move on with my life it does hurt but i know it's the only way or this will get worse and worse for me. thank you so much for your insights and confirmation of what i thought..it makes me feel better to know i am not going crazy and overly suspiciious as he claimed there were many days i doubted my own thoughts becuase of the things he would say and confuse me so much. What a hard experience this has been.

CrackQuack

I remember BRAGGING about how I don't look like a crack addict. I never did. Always stayed washed up, took regular showers, wore decent clothing (sure, it was almost always thrift store or borrowed clothing), make-up, had a sweet face. So many people, in the meetings I went to, would never have picked crack as my drug of choice. They guessed opiates in pill form. Figured me for a pill popper. When I told one girl I was a crackhead, she didn't know what to say. She was going to actually give me information on clinics I could go to for opiate addiction. *sighs* It's like that. Addiction doesn't care who you are or where you come from or how much money you make. I had 6 figures in the bank and in stocks and bonds. I had 6 vehicles and a race car trailer. I had a house. I had 14 wonderful, beautiful, parrots in my home. I count myself lucky that 8 of the birds are still "home" (my best friend's house), only two vehicles. My truck and my race car. No jewelry, and I can finally be proud to have a whole two figures in the bank. No stocks, bonds, or retirement savings. Sold 4 vehicles and the trailer. Lost the house. And most of my clothes NO longer fit because I lost 130 lbs in less than 9 months from crack smoking. I started doing coke, smoking a little weed, drinking, and popping a few pills. Once I started doing crack, I can honestly tell you I have no idea the timeline between weekend use to full blown addiction, but I can say I know it was VERY fast. I went down hard, and I went down fast.
I darn near lost it all..
But there is hope. My last hit of crack cocaine was February 2nd, 2009. My first day of freedom was February 3rd, 2009.

afin3mess

I dont know much about an addiction to coke as I know about an addiction to crack. Although crack is cocaine in purer form I believe it's the fu*king devil itself I swear to you. I've been with my fiance for three years, engaged for these past two. In these three years I have witnessed terrible things. I've been put in terrible situations where even my own safety was at stake. Get out now I beg of you..for some of us it was a little too late. I watched him come home broke after getting a $700 paycheck. And EVERY argument was my fault, and I was always "attacking" him. See, it has to be your fault because they fail to take the blame for anything that they do. I listened to him tell me he was going to go get help for everrrrr. It got so bad he had started stealing and bringing crack into the house where I have a young boy. BUT I do completely 500% understand what you had said about missing him..even though it seems like everything he's done is so terrible you still miss him. My fiance also is one of the cleanest best looking men I've ever met. He is always well groomed shaven and clean cut always wears fresh clothes and all of that you'd never guess the night before he was out all night smoking crack. It pains my heart to know girls all around the world..and men too fall in love with people who have this addiction. It's awful. Know that its NOT too late my fiance is 41 and went to rehab finally yesterday morning, on his own in a different state so the temptation to just go wouldnt be so strong. I pray for his recovery, and that of your ex boyfriends too. Be well.

lost84

coke does cause loss of libedo..... my ex sometimes wanted to have tons of sex, then alot of the times he wasnt interested in sex at ALL. once his friend asked him why and my ex said, when im doing this i dont even care about sex this is all i want to do.. LIKE U KNOW YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WHEN....

truthhurts

I understand your pain as I have been where you are right now.

What worked for me: instituting a "no-contact" rule for myself with my ex-ABF. Yes, it's hard. Impossible? Please. Of course it's not impossible. And every day that passes with no contact, it gets easier. You will know serenity.

Then, the truly harder part: doing an honest examination of my own motives and reasons and deeper issues. I had to ask myself

-What is WRONG WITH ME that I am allowing someone (anyone, even someone without addiction problems) to treat me this way?
-What is WRONG WITH ME that causes me to be "addicted" to the addict, and the utter chaos, isolation and heartache that having a romantic relationship with an addict entails?

Yes, I believe addiction is a disease. The contradictory thing about this is that, if a loved one was suffering from any other disease (cancer, AIDS, etc), we are encouraged to "take care" of that person, help them in any way that we can, and just generally be there for them. With addiction, the less involvement we have with the addict, the better off both the addict and the loved ones are. It's counterintuitive, but it's true.

HANDS OFF THE ADDICT! Don't make their problem yours. Try to work on yourself and try to resolve whatever deeper issues you have that make you think that being with someone who treats you like sh!t is acceptable.

Crack is especially horrific. That was my ex-ABF's drug of choice. It truly steals the soul of the addict. The lifestyle that goes with crack usage is really, really ugly.

I hope that you can extricate yourself from this person and go on with your life. If it's meant to be, your addict will eventually get clean for his own reasons (not because of or for you) and you will find each other again. But please, PLEASE do not descend into the pit of crack addiction with this person. I promise you that it leads to nothing but heartbreak, depression, and possible long-term physical repercussions for you (STDs, etc).

I wish you peace.

Butterfly14

Thanks everyone for all of your posts. i have to say I am worried now becuase initially i thought it was cocaine as of last week but after being on these boards and reading I don't now I think it is crack!!! When I say worried i mean for my health and i need to go get tested since god knows what he was doing and who he was doing it with during all those disappearances. I have had NC with him and won't. I am also going again to my ACOA meetings to help myself get away from this and stay strong. I am so confused now thinking back to all the stupid lies i believed and put myself and health at such risk. What a mess. I am really upset about it all and upset with myself for even staying as long as I did. I wish to God i would have just left months ago when I first suspected something but wasn't sure, then the worst i thought was he was snorting cocaine now after reading SR I think he has been using crack all along.

Butterfly14

I feel so duped and silly now. Why did i let him make me think I was crazy and imagaing things.....I was always doubting my own thoughts with him. He had a way of turning everything around on me. He was great at that. He was also very charming and handsome even i have trouble thinking of him as a crack addict...that sounds nuts but it is true a part of me still doesn't want to believe it...it is just too horrible. I can't believe i would ever be involved with someone who uses it...that is something i have seen in movies and TV not in real life. Let me say I am scared...scared enough to leave him alone no matter how much i care the thought of him being in crack houses etc. scares me to death!!!!! I can't believe now that i left him alone in my house with all of my belongings.....i even gave him the key one time...Oh jeeze. I hope to god he didn't make a copy of it. He did return my key that night but still now I am feeling worried.

truthhurts

You must stay strong! There is no good reason for you to have any contact with this guy. Even if he were to recover, would you want to live the rest of your life wondering and worrying about relapse? Crack addiction is SO HARD to beat. I am not saying it can't be done, but the recidivism rate for crack addiction is really high. Even if this addict is the best looking man on the planet, if he continues down this path, you will not recognize him eventually. He will be dirty, emaciated, smelly....like an old beat-up alley cat. It's a terrible transformation but if he doesn't find recovery for himself, it will happen! And the only alternatives to his recovery are jail, mental institutions, or death.

As for the no-contact thing--as hard as it may feel in the short-term, you will be SO grateful if you stick it out and keep him out of your life. Please, please believe me.

I would like to send you a PM but I can't because I don't have 5 posts yet here. As soon as I do, I will PM you. I am also in the Philly area and will be happy to listen to you and share my story with you if you ever want to hear it. I have been where you are and stuck it out for three long years....fortunately I woke up and got out, and my life has been WONDERFUL since then--drama-free, uncomplicated, beautiful! Yours can be, too!

Stay strong.

Butterfly14

Oh I would really like to hear your story, I need all the help I can get right now and all the information is just so great,,i feel relieved since finding SR that I am not imaging things and It is true what i felt for awile now. I will PM you my email address and you can write to me. I did just PM you my email address but not sure it went thru let me know if you receive the PM.

CrackQuack

That is the way addiction works. Addicts become extremely adept at turning the situation around, lying, hiding, isolating, stealing, and sleazing our way into continued using. Crackheads become some of the worst. I once related our craziness to that of royalty, with crackheads being the kings of liars and bull s h i t t e r s. We'd make most excellent salespeople. We could sell the Eiffel Tower to a homeless man. We're that BAD! I honestly do not understand why ANYONE believes I am clean, without hitting me with random pee tests. I lied so much and hid so much and BS'ed my way through ANYTHING. I even remember one, time, while I was supposed to be clean, I used for two days and didn't call or contact anyone. A couple friends called me, and with caller ID, I knew how to answer the phone. I'd fake cough and hack, worked up some nasty burps, all kinds of things to fake being ill. Even sold the same story to my employer. All of them bought it, lock, stock, and barrel. I was so proud of myself for being such a "good bs'er".....
Oh the woes of addiction. I am glad I am not that way anymore, but just shocked people trust me, being only 6 months clean. To me, 6 months is a long time, but I know it has to be a very short time to everyone else... But then again, no one expected me to make it 30 days, or even 3 days. My one friend just shook his head and said "Once a crackhead, always a crackhead.". It was an awful thing to say, but I just look at what I put him through.. Ya know?

Butterfly14

Quack, Wow, I admire your honesty to share this. You are clean which is one heck of a feat from everythign i read crack has the worst relapse rates. You can feel good about yourself for doing this now regardless of the past your doing the right thing now.

My BF has put me thru hell and said the worst things to me when i accused him of using he would say the meanest things to me break up with me,,,break plans that we had for weeks,,,,all sorts of things that were selfish and mean. One time he left and we had plans to go the shore and i didn't hear from him for 3 days and he thought up some goofy story and I hung up on him when he called. we broke up for 3 weeks that time and he still swore he wasn't using that he was actually falsely locked up for those 3 days what a tale!!! I would often tell him he could sell ice to eskimos he was an amazing story teller. Shame he didn't use it to become a salesman instead of using it to fool everyone about drugs. I am not sure if he got sober now if i could believe him or trust him again it would be very hard given all the lies. I do care for him but still the lies and games were very hurtful so I don't know if i could forget that.

CrackQuack

It would be, justifably (however you spell that, LOL) so, extremely difficult to trust him. You are lucky not to have gotten in deeper and had things stolen from you or gotten hooked on it yourself. Not that I was an innocent, but I mistakenly seperated the crackheads, heroin junkies, and methheads, from the potheads and occasional tooters. Thinking the first three were far worse than the other two, but in reality, any addiction can be horrible. Whether it be to drugs, people, gambling, or things. I learned, from my use of crack, that there are things a person can do in excess, purposely forgetting their obligations and responsibilities. Doing anything to chase that high.
And there are things people do responsibly. Have a couple drinks and be done. Take a pill prescribed to them, as prescribed. Buy one lotto ticket and that's it.
A fine line exists between the two and I can relapse. I don't want to. The thought of getting some crack makes me sick. But, it can still happen. I have to stay on alert and work my program. Doing the best I can do in order to stay clean for myself. I cannot keep off the crack for anyone but me. I tried to. I tried to do it for my kids, for my best friends, and for my boyfriend. Even for God. But I couldn't do it until I was READY to quit for MYSELF.
Just keep coming back to SR and sharing. Being the SO or ex SO of an addict can be a painful experience. I am sorry you've had to go through it. My ex said some god awful things to me and about me, while in active addiction. He stole thousands of dollars from me and made hundreds of broken promises. I think it's why, in part, he wanted me to try it.. I would be hooked too, and be more willing to go along with whatever he wanted. It backfired, unfortunately, for him, as I became unstable, insane, stalked him, and eventually told his parents what he was doing with their money and their business...

Butterfly14

I can see why they want you to try it with them....then you can be on board with their program and stop hassling them. I think that is why he left a lot to punish me hoping I would shut up and quit hassling him or else you will get the punishment of me leaving and not knowing when i will be back. I noticed that the few times i didn't say anything about his weird behavior he was fine but if i spoke up he would get mad and then leave....they don't want to be confronted. We were not living together so i was spared the stealing and all of that but if it had gone on longer who knows what could have happened. It is also scary to think of how you can get hooked on cocaine or crack with them.....I feel for you that must have been a terrible experience.

I can see that my behavior was getting nuts with him even though i wasn't using i was getting addicted to him...to calling him, to checking up on him, to fighting and to the drama etc. etc. my codependent ways were getting out of control and i could see that. I recently went back to ACOA becuase i realized i needed to center myself again i was losing myself in him and his addiction. What happened with your ex did he ever get into recovery?

truthhurts

Butterfly, I just emailed you. Hope you're doing well today!

greenflowers

Hey Butterfly,

I can relate with you, so much. My boyfriend is extremely handsome and put together. He does not look like a drug addict at all. He is charming and polite, and always wins over the room. However, he knows exactly how to use the skills he has, which makes him a good addict I suppose. He too, has said many hurtful things when he has been high, yet I put up with it. I'm trying to put distance between us, and focus on myself. I hope you will do the same.

Please message me if you ever want to talk.

Stay stong!

Butterfly14

Yes it is all part of the game,,,,My BF uses his charm and good looks with women. It is all part of the manipulation used to draw you in.......

But no matter how good looking after awile the behavior is so darn ugly you don't even see the handsome face anymore.

tjp613

Reminds me of the saying, "Yeah, he may be handsome...but some chick somewhere is sick of his sh*t!!!" LOL!

Freedom1990

I love little tidbits like this that grab me and give me a chance to share my experience, strength, and hope.

Let me start by saying neither of my parents are alcoholic. However, my father is an untreated adult child of an alcoholic (he's a workaholic, and a Catholic-aholic), and my mother is an untreated codependent (the hand-wringing/chronic worrier martyr). There's alcoholism/addiction galore on both sides of the family.

I was codependent (which manifested in a multitude of ways) before I ever became a practicing alcoholic addict. I certainly had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like. I only knew what I had grown up with.

Leaving my EXAH was essential to my own recovery from alcoholism/addiction because one of two things would have happened had I gone back home to him after I got out of rehab. 1) I would have relapsed on drugs, 2) He would have beaten me to death (he showed up at rehab unannounced and was going to drag me out of there to come home, but the police were called).

Unfortunately, I refused to address my codependency issues for 13 more years. With each relationship I got into, I rationalized they were not psychotic whiskey-swilling, meth-slamming convicted felons like the EXAH.

At best they were emotionally unavailable, and at worst, emotionally abusive.

When the ex-fiance walked out on me after 15 months, I finally hit my codependent bottom.

I realized that the common thread in all of my failed and painful relationships was me.

I needed to fix the 'broken-ness' inside of me that drove me to continue engaging in unhealthy relationships.

Has it been easy? Nope. Has it been worth it? You bet. I've been sans a man in my life for 10 years now, and my plate is full! Yes, I have dated here and there, but to be honest, I'm busy!

I will be graduating in May of 2010 from college at the age of 51. I don't care if I'm the oldest battle axe there. I will be wearing my cap and gown, and sitting with the young'uns!

I've already landed a part-time job in my chosen profession, and about 8 blocks from my house! I'm active in my home 12 step group, sponsor other women, and I've got the best bunch of recovery friends both locally and here at SR.

Most days I have a generous portion of serenity, gratitude, and I smile a lot!

I've got a 21 year old who's getting into the alcohol pretty heavily (she still lives with me but does her drinking elsewhere), has had some fairly serious consequences lately, and I manage to stay out of her stuff and just live my own life 99 9/10% of the time.

What more could I ask for? Heck, I didn't even dare ask for all of that, and I got it!

I sincerely hope you dig deep into your recovery and find the source of your 'broken-ness', begin the process of healing, and you too will have wondrous things in your life. :ghug2

outtolunch

It won't matter how long or the route you took to arrive at your destination, once you get there. You are an inspiration to many. Thank you for the ESH.

Butterfly14

Freedom 1990...WELL SAID!!! Thanks for sharing