Don't Know Where to Go From Here

Old 08-13-2009, 08:03 PM
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Question Don't Know Where to Go From Here

:praying

hello everyone.

right now i am utterly exhausted. My brother and father are the addicts in my life. right now my brother is the one with whom i am all out of options, basically my mother and i took him off the streets after he detoxed by himself and we could not see him live in a crappy recovery house where everyone is using.

my mom researched and found a place in allentown that is run by a family friend of a friend and he could go and recover away from the city and get better. well, he is on methadone as he was on herion for some time. he needed to ween off of the methadone before he could go to this house. the best option was for him to stay with us and ween off the methadone then go to the recovery place soon after.

BIG MISTAKE. Methadone takes months and weeks to ween off of, and my family does not have the money to care for all of my brothers needs as he needs bus fare each day and lunch money. My alcoholic father has not paid my mom in months, so money is tight. he sucked money out of her $20 a day that she did not have and here we found that he did not ween down on the methadone but is at a high dose.

We found this out because my family cannot take his moods, his nodding out mid talking, spitting up on himself selfish ways anymore. I left to stay with friends last week i could not do it. so, anyway my mom decided neither could se and yesterday we took him to a rehab and he flipped out totally blaming us.

when we got there the truth came out he was abusing anti-depressants and his methadone. so he had a choice stay and detox from the benzos or where do you want to get dropped off, we dropped him at a place where he picked and that was that, oh and he changed on the street thats how high he was. while i had to wait to get in the car. hardest thing ive ever done watching my 22 year old brother throw his life away.

as i am writing this he just called, has no where to stay and NOW wants to go to the rehab, not sure if it is because he has no place to go, OR he is serious. i have no trust in him i cant sleep and i am so tired.

please i need advice...im 18 and i cant stand to see my mom cry all the time and my brother throw his life away ive watched him do it since i was 14 its just not right.

any help would be appreciated thanks all.
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Old 08-13-2009, 08:38 PM
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loving an addict is difficult and draining...........I am so very sorry you are going thru this.

your post says you dont know where to go from here..........
the fact that you and your mom drew the line with your brother was a really great start

but It may be helpful for you to read the stickys here on SR, and maybe you and your mom can find a families anon meeting or even naranon or al-anon

any family support meeting for families of addicts

Its important to know that neither you nor your mom .......can cause your brother to USE drugs nor can you make him stop using or to want help for himself........

you didnt cause it you cant control it and you cant cure it.........

stick around others will be along soon to offer more support.
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Old 08-13-2009, 08:44 PM
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hi, i'm so sorry to hear about your troubles but im glad you are reaching out for help. there is not much more you or your mom can do to help your brother or father. they have to do it for themselves. i think you mom did the best thing for the both of you when she allowed him to choose where we wanted to go rather than bring him home with you guys.

unless he is allowed to suffer the consequences of his own actions, it will be much harder for him to reach his bottom and have the desire to seek help. i think its good that he is finally deciding to go to rehab, whether he is serious or just need a place to go. there he will learn tools to help him in his recovery. it will still be up to him if he is to get better or not. rehab is not a cure all, but its a start. detox and rehab is just the beginning, absence from the drug allows time for the brain to clear. it will be totally up to him whether he stays clean after that but you can get better even if he chooses not to right now. his behavior is common with addicts.

time for you to take the focus off your brother and father and take care of you. addiction effects all who loves the addict and they need help too. believe it or not, the best thing you can do to help your brother is to do what you need to do for you, and that goes for your mom too.

keep reading and posting here as much as you like. the addict in my life is my hubby and when i first came here, i was just about insane. alanon, naranon are support groups for family members. they are so helpful and supportive, maybe you can search your area for a few meetings and invite your mom. others will be alone shortly so please stick around and read the little stickies at the top of the forum page. learn all you can about addiction and co dependancy.
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Old 08-14-2009, 06:22 AM
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sending post back to top of board......Bump
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Old 08-14-2009, 07:10 AM
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lotdot 19,

So sorry to hear you are going through this. My son is the addict and has put us through hell. I am sure it helps your Mom to have your support. If your brother truly wants to go to rehab, great. Don't let him come home. Rehab or the streets. Hopefully he will get tired of that life. No one wants to be an addict. Right now my son is in jail awaiting sentencing. We bailed him out but had to have him put back in because he continued to use. Heroin is a monster. He has completed several rehabs and before this last relapse had been sober for a year, so it can be done. They need to get tired of living that way, we can't do it for them, God knows I've tried. You and you Mom do need to take care of yourselves. I know how hard that is but letting this consume your life isn't helping anyone. Really try to find meetings it is amazing how much it helps to be with others going through the same things. Stay strong!!
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Old 08-14-2009, 05:16 PM
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keep reading, keep reading, keep posting, doing even these simple things does help you to look after yourself. I know this to be true. you are so young to be faced with this difficult journey, be good to yourself, as much as you can, hug your mom and invite her to hug you back.
sending you a hug from me too.
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Old 08-17-2009, 07:35 PM
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HELP! HELP!

Thanks everyone

UPDATE:

I am so so tired, after i posted this the next day my mom and i drove him to rehab we THOUGHT he was accepted, he was denied because of insurance. we said ok, where do you want to get dropped off at. we found him a recovery house that takes methadone patients, he was to use his welfare money to get in, well his card was with a guy who was now in jail. The cops had beat my brother the night before, oh did i mention my 10yo sister found him in our garage that we mistakenly left open. ugh! (this was the day we tried to get him into rehab, friday) anyway he spent his money on drugs all $100 that he was going to have to live off. So I looked at my mom and said NO we are not doing this ok, where do you wanna get dropped off. So we took him to get his methadone for the day, and dropped him and this time he took his ONLY bag of clothes with him on a street in the city, a known drug street. he said "F*** you guys I wont live through the weekend." I will be dead. EMPTY threats that really hurt.

My mom and I were strong apart from the crying. Then Sunday my mom was in the ER with chest pains, and stayed over night for tests, all because of my brother! NOT FAIR!

Anyway while in the ER she gets calls fromhim, not answering, but he left messages asking for the garage to be open.

JUST NOW he called an said he sat in a mental hospital all day and was rejected, so he has nothing left to do. He only has one way out.

I am so scared right now because I don't know what to say to my mom when I think that my brother is on the streets dying right now i go numb. I am going back to college on saturday im am so scared.

ANY ADVICE WOULD GREATLY HELP. I feel like he is going to die, he has no money no food. I dunno what to do.
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Old 08-17-2009, 07:47 PM
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lotdot19, wouldn't you like to start your own thread so that others can share with you too. this post may get lost here and not get as much attention.

i think you and your mom is doing what is best for your brother. he wants you to feel guilty enough to allow him to continue his drug use at your expense. if he had money sounds like he would probably buy more drugs and if he really cared about food, he might have used his money for that instead of all on drugs.

take care of yourself, he'll probably be more willing to help himself if he's allowed to suffer the consequenses of his own bad choices,
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Old 08-17-2009, 07:53 PM
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teke, this is lotdot's thread

lotdot, here's some local info for your brother and mom:

The Salvation Army: Drug & Alcohol Recovery
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Old 08-17-2009, 08:03 PM
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oops, i'm still sick and need a lot more help, sorry. LOL
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Old 08-17-2009, 08:42 PM
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I understand.
I'm so sure my husband is dead or dying right now.
he has NEVER not called the kids...EVER!
He's gone I know it.
But there is nothing I can do.
Neither can you.
I try to tell myself it's like he got cancer and can die.
I can't cure cancer. I can't cure his addiction.
But it hurts so much.
Stay strong.
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Old 08-17-2009, 09:08 PM
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i'm sorry and i pray that he's okay. i want to say try not to worry too much.

Last edited by teke; 08-17-2009 at 09:30 PM.
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Old 08-17-2009, 11:36 PM
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Lotdot19, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

It's so hard to stand by and watch someone you love destroy themselves, their lives and wish there was something you could do.

Sadly, the only thing you really can do is nothing. That sounds mean, but like someone mentioned earlier-until he is forced to face the consequences of his actions, nothing is going to change.

My dad is an alcoholic. Has been all my life. When I was 25, he lost his job, lost his home, lost his car and my brother kicked him out of his home. My dad called begging for a place to stay. I thought I was helping him, and took him in. I did everything I thought was the right thing to do, but really all I was doing was making it ok for him to continue with his behavior.

After several months, and the wonderful people here, I was able to realize that my dad wasn't going to change because there was no reason for him to. As long as he knew that I would be there to 'fix' things, he would continue the same behavior.

I finally told him he had a choice- leave or go to rehab. The choice was his. If he was homeless, it was because that was the decision he made. I gave him 24 hours, and I stood firm in that.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But, I also knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.

The best thing you and your family can do for him, is to make him face the consequences of what he is choosing to do, and for you and your family to take care of yourselves.
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