lost84

So I have realized I am driving myself crazy. I don't know how to stop this or get it off my mind constantly bringing me down. Without this site im not sure what id do, I feel their is no-one to talk to who would understand anymore.

I am doing the things I shouldnt do, logging onto his friends facebook to "see" his status's ect. Checking to see what girls are talking to him ect. Blocking my number calling his cell just to see if its on, hanging up on the first ring. All this causes me pain yet I cant not do it.

Why when I am not with my ex cocaine/alch addicted EX do I see him as this AMAZING guy that im loosing out on?
Yet the last time I seen him I sat on the couch beside him and his friend while they drank and did lines, and talked about girls and were rude ect, I literally said why am I even HERE, I almost left to because I was tired and my ex was coming off a bender of cocaine and mushrooms, tripping out, yet STILL doing more cocaine and drinking beer?... I said I was leaving then I decided to stay because I figured they'd just invite dirty girls to the hotel room I PAID FOR. (so my ex had a place to sober up and sleep)

For the past month and a half we have NOT talked I am visualizing him with another girl or (girl's) him being an amazing bf. Treating them the girls wish they were treated. Treating them the way he once treated me. (for 2 weeks)

I cant get it out of my head that he is doing well, not drinking or doing drugs, not acting crazy like he used to when we were together, not trying to fight his friends or randoms, that he is out their being who i know he could be.

I know I need to move on and stop creating pain for myself but I am really struggling, Im sorry this post is also so long, had to get a bit out, I called my exabf saturday morning because i noticed on a monday and a friday he was online yet he was working a job nights at one point, from a payphone i called his grandparents where he lives and they told me he was out, i asked if he was at work and they said no... just out... i said a different name when i called. anyways so now that i think he yet again isnt working.. i wonder HOW and WHY he wouldnt have called me by now? I seriously wish this would all go away

tjp613

I guess when you get into enough pain you will let it go. Obviously you're not quite there yet.

You will be....eventually.

nytepassion

You are torturing yourself with all these thoughts and ideas of what he is or isn't doing.

You can bet where ever he is .. he is still him and he is the him that you had while you were together and he will remain to be his same ol' self until something changes and that change won't come in the form of a new girl friend .. because he will be who he is with her no matter what ... If he is going to treat anyone better then how he treated you it has to start with him.

It is the old worldly cliche "You've got to love yourself first, before you can love anyone else"

He obviously is lacking self love hence abusing his body, mind and those around him (until and unless he seeks recovery he will continue to his journey into the abyss of addiction hell) Trust me .. you may think he is living this heavenly life, but it is quite the opposite ... he just doesn't realize it yet.

The 3 c's .. you didn't cause it, you can't control it or cure it, but the good news is you CAN save yourself. Get into your own recovery (yes, we need recovery too) from enabling, codependency and our addiction to the addict.

Rather then focusing on who he might be with and how nice he must be treating her .. realize that you are worthy of the treatment you are visualizing him lavishing on some random chick ... but don't expect him to treat you that way. He needs help...

If you are willing you can break the ties that bound you and journey into the land of happiness regardless of what he does or does not do.

I don't know how long you've been here on SR, but I can promise you that you are in good hands ..

There are many here that have walked the path before you and as you read post and replies from them you will begin to gather puzzle pieces and when you are ready you will start to put the puzzle together, some pieces may not fit right now and you will become frustrated and walk away for a bit, but if you continue having contact with him or get involved in another relationship with an addict you will be forced back to the puzzle ... there will be times you don't like what you see and you will go into denial, but the more you post, read and reread you'll have a break through and you will fit together the puzzle piece, by piece to make a whole picture .. and if you have applied what you've learned you should be lookin' at a whole new, strong, beautiful YOU.

Hang in there .. it does get better ...
Hugs,
Passion

outtolunch

Most co-dependency is rooted in the belief that we can control what other people do. And when they don't, we tend to react with hurt, anger, frustration and blame ourselves for not being good enough. And then we try harder. It's a vicious cycle. Only we can break this cycle.

It's his choice to use.

It's your choice to facilitate his using, or not.

When we long for someone more so in their absence, it's a sure sign that a fantasy is being played out. It's easy to get sucked into the fantasy of what may have been and especially to what might have been, if only.

You will feel better once you are able to restore the focus on yourself instead of trying to control someone else.

Have you read Co-Dependent No more?

IPT

I have found this to be SO true. I also found once I dropped the fantasy and looked at reality it hurt because I saw what I had been accepting, and ignoring.


LOST - I can SO relate to what you are feeling. I am getting better, but still struggle. I have been going thru this for about 3 years. Not sure if you've read my threads but if not you should. I have been having similar struggles and people here have given me so awesome advice and insights that helped me tremendously. I think you too would get something from it because it is very much the same streggle we are having. I am a little further down the road, but was where you are before.

Befoe I gged on here I was just reading this No Contact Again Getting Past Your Past
take a look at it. It is EXACTLY what you are dealing with. I also liked her book, "getting past your breakup".

It's insane isn't it that we mentally can pretty much decide we don't want these people or the treatment they are giving us. Then once they are gone we lose it. Lose the insight as to why we didn't even want them, lose the control to not have them in our life, feel like we are empty and lost something great.

I feel for you, relate to you, but thankfully am doing much better these days. I am better, but it is a sad thing and hard to deal with. Hang in there, read a lot here, be strong. ********{hugs}}}}}

Learn2Live

Hang in there baby. Notice how supportive and loving all these folks on SR are towards you in their replies. Gain strength from that and from their words.

splendra

(((lost84))))

I am so hoping for your sake that you can find the strength to move on. Play the tape all the way though and read what some of the other people have bee through. You will find that there are very few success stories as far as a relationship getting better.

You can make your own success story. You can get better. Log in here as much as you want to or need to we really do know how you feel and we really do want to walk with you while you go thru it.

Many of us in and out of relationships with addicts create a fantasy of them finding someone new and becoming the great person that we know they "could" be.

Other people don't make them change. The only person who will change him is him just like the only one who can change you is you. You already know that you were in a loosing situation with him cause you are smart and you know the difference between right and wrong. Let this message get into your heart. Take the words here that make your heart feel better when you read them and repeat them to yourself and it will help.

Hang in there it will get better.

teke

hi, i can relate, i went through the same emotions and had the same fears about my ah at one time. i mean, i almost went crazy trying to figure out whether he was seeing someone else, why he hadn't called month after month, longing for him to hurry and quit using so we could be together again before it would be too late for me.

i finally heard what i had be hearing all along. no matter who he's with or where, he will still be an addict with addictive behavior unless he seeks help.

i know its hard right now, but this too shall pass. try to focus on the first things first, and one by one, you'll see that it will somehow work out.

i was at one time left on the verge of getting evicted with 7 kids and no job, car repoed and no money at all. salvation army, social services, churches, friends and family were all willing to help me get to a place where i could help myself. i'm praying for you and your family. i care so much, you are not alone

teke

i got so tired of hurting and making myself crazy with worry because of what i was visualizing about what he was or was not doing, do he love me or not, until i made a conscience decision to believe the worse case senerios and prayed to my hp to help me get through all of that. whether true or false, i decided to believe the worse and to work through the pain of it. it hurt but today i feel so much better for it. i sure hope this makes some kind of sense.

lost84

I do so well at times. And then it all comes crashing down.. I havnt cried in a few days this is a good thing, but I am always thinking of calling or texting ect. I am so greatfull for all the support this website has brought, and reading others posts is also such a great help. I think of all the times I was with my exabf wondering WHY/WHAT i was doing with him. yet then i MISS those times? its so messed up. if he started using and getting into trouble at 10yrs and is now 25yrs, and tells himself he is going nowhere, do u think he will ever change? i just see all the support and love he has around him (wealthy parents) good family ect and nothing matters to him he truly doesnt even believe in himself it seems?.. i have learnt so much from books and SR friends that im starting to not cry as much or get anixety.. i am also starting to slowly believe this had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME and what I DID OR DIDNT DO.
remembering situations i was in with him where he'd just want to drink with "his friends" or we would be on a date and him constantly calling "his friends or dealers" id be like do you NOT want to be with me right now? "no its just they want to get sh*t.." it all is coming together verrrrry slowly that he needs/wants to be around people who are drinking and doing cocaine days on end.

this isnt and NEVER was me. being with me he'd be alone partying while i slept.. if he does have this new gf, she ovbiously is a hard user and i cant be upset with myself for not using myself.. i dunno it feels good to get this all out
love all on SR xo

teke

to keep from obsessing over my ah, as soon as i felt a thought about him coming on,whether good or bad, i'd immediately change that thought into something positive about myself or anything that would take that thought away. one thought at a time, i would not allow myself to meditate on any thought that had anything to do with him. it helped me to get through the hardest times. the more i practiced this, the less i thought about him and the less i thought about him the better i felt.

IPT

In the book by Susan Elliott she recommended saying to yourself "it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter..". Yes, she recommended 3x. It has stop me from perseverating about my ex quite a few times .

lost84

thanks i read that book, maybe i should start using it?

IPT

Ironically enough it is a medical term and perseveration it is often seen with patients after Traumatic Brain Injury..... they lose the built in inhibition to control their thoughts and reflexes...

And Lost - "yes" you should start using it. I have read a lot of books and usually "will get to the exercises later". I am (was) hurting enough that I went right to them this time. The invatories really helped me gain persepctive of things. Without a doubt START USING THE BOOKS TOOLS .