Outtolunch - thanks for that. Yeah, there's a part of me that agrees with you, but not having any experience on the 'other side' I'm still nervous. My ex has a whole laundry list of mental disorders on his side of the family.

I'll just hand that over to God, too! Thanks for your perspective.

(((((TJP)))))

In 1972 I was diagnosed as manic depressive/schizophrenic and continued to drink and use street drugs (self medicating, lol) and not take psych meds. I didn't get sober until 1981.

I was re-diagnosed as Bi Polar in 1990 at 9 years of sobriety. I am 64 now, do take meds for my Bi polar.

I am very leery of a young person who has been using being diagnosed as Bi Polar. The disease/affliction of addiction can 'mimic' so many other mental illnesses that I am just very suspicious until a person has been sober and clean for a while. Not saying he isn't or is Bi Polar, just leery at this point.

As to not seeing him today, if that will make YOU more comfortable then so be it. He is starting to feel some of the consequences of HIS actions. If that means no birthday acknowledgement and no gifts, oh well. His actions, his consequences.

This is YOU we are talking about not him. YOU need to do for you. He will figure things out eventually ........................ and it will actually mean something to him rather than if he were enabled. When he gets 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' is when he will WANT recovery.

Again, please remember we are walking with you.

Prayes going out for you and your son.

Love and hugs,

Yeah, I was hoping when he had his psych evaluation at rehab that they would try to wean him off of his meds, but they didn't -- and I just trusted them to know what's right. And that's true -- if he's using street drugs he shouldn't be on the Rx's anyway.

Agreed. As a matter of fact, never one time has the child ever given me a gift or birthday card (or mother's day, or Christmas, ...) unless he was physically dragged out by some other family member to do it. I wonder if he'll think of that today? I doubt it.

Yep, I keep forgetting that part! Funny how that is.

Thanks again for everything. I am so lucky to be here. Thank you for your time. (((Hugs)))

I'm not a mother so I don't know exactly how you feel but I have loved many an alcoholic and drug addict. What I am working on now, as a result of my most recent attempt at "helping" a crack addict is this:

Let go of the Outcome. Let Go and Let God.

I have found with my daughter that college was impossible for her while she was actively using and the money I spent to help her pay for classes was a total waste. She has told me since she has gotten clean that using is a 24 hour job. There is not much time for college, family, work or anything except finding the money for drugs, finding the dealer that was holding, meeting with the dealer who had a habit of always being late and finally getting high. I also found that no amount of my trying to control her using did any good. Setting your son up in an apartment is just a way of putting a nice soft pillow under his butt so that you can cushion his fall. My daughter had to experience some really nasty stuff before she was willing to give sobriety a fighting chance. She will be returning to college this month with 15 months of clean time under her belt, numerous meetings behind her and a much clearer head than she had the same time last year. It has been three years since she attended her last college class and at times I never thought I would see this day. But one thing I know for sure is that all of my help did not get her to where she is now. She did it because she got sick and tired of being sick and tired and made the commitment to change. I absolutely know how hard it is to let go and let God have our children. Sending you lots of hugs and remember miracles can and do happen in God's time. Marle

Thank you so much, Marle. You're so right. I KNOW this stuff so why do I have to keep hearing it? I guess doing what I'm doing is so very counter-intuitive....it's like I'm having to re-wire my entire brain in order to achieve any kind of sane feeling. No easy task.

Let me ask this: will this heaviness in my heart and the lump in my throat EVER go away?

TJP - the heaviness and the lump for me has never left. I suppose what I have learned has helped me deal with the anxiety. My daughter started with drugs 10 yrs ago and even now she is 3 months c & s - I still have the conditioned lump. Always wondering when things will change. What helps me is to live one day at a time. Yesterday was good, so is this morning and so on.. Perhaps in time things will settle down, but we have been conditioned to expect the unexpected. I have spoken to several addicts who are in recovery and many seemed to say, it is nice to know you are loved by someone. It gives one hope in a moment of clarity. Love and enabling are not one and the same.
So follow your gut -- you are doing a great job --

Well, I stuck to my guns and he's on his way now to a sober living house in the town where his rehab was (about 4 hours from here). His counselor helped him get in and it's supposed to be a really good one!! $375/month for rent...which I will gladly pay for. He's happy too.

I asked him if he learned anything while he was homeless for 8 days. He said, "Yes!! Not to screw with Mom and Dad!" :D

My prayers have been answered. Thank you GOD....and to all of you for your support. You helped more than you know.

My heart goes out to you...my addict is my HUSBAND, not sure I could handle it if it were my child.

My prayers are with you and although I am sure it broke your heart you will help him in the long run.

Hi everyone -- just thought I'd post an update (there's ALWAYS an update with these guys, isn't there??) mostly for the benefit of other parents going thru this kind of ordeal.

Ok, so.... AS has been at a great sober house in a town 4 hours away and he's been there for 16 days. Heard a little quacking during week 1 and then just gave him space. By the end of week 2 he sounded soooo much better and was excited about his sponsor and book work. He said he couldn't wait for me to meet everyone (!). 2 days later I got a phone call that he'd been KICKED OUT!! GRRRRRR!!!!! The story he told me was that he had been at another sober house playing poker and he was winning ($80) so he just kept playing even though he was going to break curfew at his house by 30 minutes. He made a phone call to one of his house residents to let him know (and probably ask to let him in?) he'd be home at midnight. Well, as he should have, the resident told the house manager and together they went and searched AS's car. They found a baggie and a pipe. His DOC is pot and coke. AS said the stuff was from the time before he checked into the house and asked to be allowed to stay. His request was declined.

so what does he do?? Calls Mom!! I asked him a few questions but never offered any kind of assistance other than to suggest he call his sponsor. (Yea me!) While we were on the phone the house manager yelled out to him that he found another house for him. Lucky break!

I called him later and he said this house was actually much nicer and he sounded much relieved.

We talked about this issue of him always trying to "work the system" or break/manipulate the rules and whether he is learning anything. Of course he was chuck full of wisdom now.

Stay tuned!! I'm sure there'll be another 'update' soon! <sigh>

Boy, it is always something with these addicts. And they usually call Mom. Hang in there, it sounds like you are handling it pretty well. Been there myself and still going through it.