PeaceTrain

Hugs to you OnceCharmed and Welcome to SR - there is a lot of positive advice here.
Take one Day at a Time. Make a list of priority items and do one thing on that list each day. Your strength will grow and you will survive. -- You will be rescued - by your own strength, resourcefulness and power -- You Are Charmed - Reach Out - Believe..

bluejay6

Your story is heartbreaking, Charmed, and I am so very sorry for your pain and suffering. You are in the darkest depths right now and when we are down there, we need help. And you will be surprised at the angels who will help you on this earth, once they know how broken you are. Your post does not mention prayer, and perhaps you are praying every minute of every day. When our lives collapse, as yours has, reaching out to God--whatever God you believe in--does bring strength and help you could not imagine.

I agree that a lawyer who will deal with immediate child support is the first priority. Pray and ask your higher power to assist the lawyer you choose.

If you find yourself not eating, and numb, and unable to face the day, your organs aching, tears flowing uncontrollably or not flowing at all, and a despair and fog you have never experienced in such intensity so that you are unable to make decisions and take actions.....see a physician for medical depression which is triggered by unrelenting trauma. Medication will level your system, clear your head, help your body and mind find equilibrium. I once was spiraling into that cell of depression and i shudder to think where I would have landed, and for how long, without simple antidepressant medication to get me through a terribly hard year when all I knew and relied on collapsed under me.

I agree that attending Al-Anon once a week will begin to heal you, clear your head, and connect you to a spiritual power to hold you up through the pain.

Your husband may return to recovery. He has the tools, a history of sobriety, and he knows help is there for him. Release him to God and let that fate unfold as it will. And let the lawyer deal with the money issues.

People in this world are much more compassionate than we ever expect, and many people you honestly connect with about your situation--perhaps by letter rather than trying to find the words in person--will step forward to help you. Be honest, do not protect your husband's reputation, tell the truth and ask for temporary help until your life and your children's lives stabilize.

Sometimes God changes our lives bit by bit, chipping away until we find ourselves transformed. And sometimes God sees fit to collapse the whole life like a building demolition.

Either way, He has a plan and later, at least in my life, its wisdom and even its beauty becomes apparent.

Sending love and fortitude,
Bluejay

outonalimb

Well said, bluejay !!!

hello-kitty

Sad story Charmed. It's hard to start over. I think you can perservere over this though. Just take baby steps. Take it one moment at a time. And don't be afraid to ask for help. The St. Vincent De Paul Society will help you with electricity. Also check out Catholic Community Services. And you don't have to be Catholic. It's not about religion. It's about helping others.

(((hugs))) There's a lot of emotional support available at this website. We can relate and we really do care. I hope you keep coming back.

OnceCharmed

Thank you all for the practical advice and the moral support. It's all appreciated and means so very much to me. I am having such a hard time dealing with this; I am overwhelmed by grief and worry (mostly due to the enormous debts and being penniless) and sadness and sorrow. So many lost dreams. So much work put into a marriage/family life over 20 years that AH managed to throw away in a year or so. So much grief over losing my husband, who for all that time we were together was c/s, was my best friend/soulmate/partner/lover and an all-around great husband and father. Talk about Jekyll and Hyde. I married my AH when he was 4 years sober and he was clean for 20 years....then poof! I am suddenly married to a raging cokehead/alkie who went from a loving and attentive husband and father to a piece of crap who cares nothing but for himself.

I'm overwhelmed by grief but I also know I can not and will not live like this. I have given him many chances. We have great insurance that will cover detox/counseling, we have tons of AA/NA in this area...yet instead of choosing these options he continues to choose drinking/drugging. That's all the answers I need. I've heard the words (meaningless words) way too often: "I'll do whatever it takes to save my family,", "I want my family back,", quack, quack, quack and blah, blah, blah...Words from his mouth mean nothing...ACTIONS mean everything, and all his actions show me is how little he cares for me and our boys and how much he cares about feeding his addiction.I am done.

I am still penniless. I am screwed for after-school child care. He has done nothing he said he would to remedy any of this financial mess, so I have to get busy taking care of it myself. I HATE HAVING TO DO THIS.

I love this man, but I do know that he is no longer the man I married. I am in such deep grief; I had a wonderful relationship with him WHEN HE WAS SOBER. But that pre-drinking/drugging husband is gone, and I know even if he were to get c/s tomorrow he would never be the same again-and neither would I. I doubt I could ever trust him again. Even if he put 5 years together c/s I doubt I'd ever trust him again. He flaked out and started using after 20+ years...I know I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's no way to live.

Yet my heart still breaks. Just when I think it can't hurt anymore, it breaks again. I feel like I'll never be whole or happy again. Most times, I don't even want to go on. But I do for my little boys, and the logical side of my brain tells me I will be happy again, somehow, someway.

Today I begin taking action. It has to be:
-file for child support
-call divorce lawyer and get appointment asap (has to be a pro bono attorney since I am completely penniless)
-file a restraining order against him (he broke the door down in my house to get in once when I locked him out; he has left cocaine residue on his desk and some drug paraphernalia around as well: I hope this is enough to get a restraining order. I don't trust him around me or the kids when he's a cokehead.
-call the mortgage company to discuss options: e.g. short sale, letting it foreclose, etc-whatever will be best. I don't even care about the house I just want out of here. This was our "dream house"-we bought the land and built it after designing it. I have no desire to be here.

I feel sick. I want to change him into the man he used to be.I know I can't do that. I hate the powerlessness of it. I can only balance that out with my own power that I have over my own life and actions. BUT I FEEL LIKE A CHILD; I WANT TO STOMP MY FEET AND SCREAM "I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA DO IT, I HATE YOU AND I DON'T WANNA!" Lots a good that will do me, though, huh.

How does one deal with grief, heartache, depression, anxiety, fear, overwhelming sadness in addition to all the practical life matters that this crap brings? I feel paralyzed half the time. I want my mommy and daddy to fix it and make it better. I want to win the lottery. I want a knight in shining armor to come save me. I want to run away, leave every problem behind and start over. I want a new identify. I want to marry a rich, handsome, giving, caring gentleman that I'm wildly attractive to (tomorrow).

hahahaha....fantasies, fantasies. Instead, it's all on me, a heartbroken, 44-year old woman who just a few years ago had a beautiful life that I adore and that others envied. Now it is all being flushed down into the septic system because it's turned to sh&t.

To every who responded, thank you so much. It hurts to feel so alone, and the support here shows me I'm not, despite my feeling that way. I appreciate the practical advice, which I will take into serious consideration, and the moral support has given me just enough strength to at least make a list of what needs to be done. Now-I just need the strength to act on it.

Thank you, all. I am so grateful that I found SR. At least I know I'm not totally alone in this world.

OnceCharmed

PS I tried to post twice the other night, and wrote big, long responses, only to get a
"token expired" or some such message and my posts were lost to cyberspace. So I hope this post goes through...(please, HP, please....)

tjp613

(((OnceCharmed))) I'm sorry.

Taking steps, however small, in the right direction will give you strength.

Keep coming back -- we are all here for you.

ventuhome

(((Charmed)))!!!! Several years ago in my life I had a traumatizing, life changing event as well. It was very hard for me to do the things I needed to do because I was either crying. screaming, or hiding in my bed. I had 2 young children to raise though, so I hauled my butt to the Doctor's and was put on some antidepressants. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. I managed to do the job God had assigned for me, quite well in the opinion of my family and friends. Please consider talking to your doctor about this option. And keep coming back to SR!!

OnceCharmed

Hello SR Friends,

Nothing has changed; no knight in shining armor has appeared. I did not win the lottery. I have not found an available, wealthy man willing to marry me as soon as the divorce is finalized. SHOCKING! isn't it? lol

I used to have a great sense of humor. I was vivacious and outgoing and beautiful and smart. I was the prom queen; I was accepted to prestigious colleges. I volunteered at the nursing home and the animal shelter. I tutored struggling students for free. I had a wonderful marriage, amazing children, a beautiful home, terrific career....and I NEVER, NOT ONCE, took these gifts for granted. I'm not writing this to brag-I'm writing this because I walked through this life feeling charmed; blessed, amazingly fortunate. I knew what I had. I knew I had it good--better than good.

And now I am broken and feel damaged beyond repair. Everything I loved and worked for and appreciated and was given is gone (except for my beautiful children; G-d bless their pure souls).
Living in "what used to be" obviously does me no good. But maybe it's part of the grieving process.

AH came home yesterday (Sunday) with our deacon. Said he is "sick and tired" and has had enough. My G-d how I want to believe him...but what, am I that stupid??? I let him stay the night (with deacon staying, too). As I type (from my bed, my usual parking spot) AH is downstairs doing the mound of dishes that have piled up for days.

But does this kind of nightmare ever have a happy ending? Sure, if your name is Cinderella. Mine is not. I'm just a regular ol' "Tracey."

I am in central New Jersey if anyone knows of meetings and would be willing to meet me there. I am so afraid to venture out to unknown places--the fear just overwhelms me.

At least I finally took a shower yesterday. I don't even want to tell you how long it's been since I'd taken one before that. Gross. But I didn't care. Yesterday I jumped in the shower to hide from my father b/c I didn't want him seeing his little girl in the sad, sick, messy, gross state I was in. Looking like something the cat dragged in, chewed, ate, threw up and left in the hot sun.

I have a list of actions I must take but even reading the f&^%ing list exhausts me (sorry for the language; I am at a breaking point).

You have all been so wonderful to me so far. Please know how much I appreciate every response to this thread and every PM I've gotten.

I pray for strength. I pray and pray and pray.
I'm still waiting for strength. Hurry up, G-d!!! (haha....)

Well, at least I smell better than I have in a while.

I have to believe there is another side.

This is a WONDERFUL site. I am so grateful to have found it.

Much Love and Respect, you are some of the strongest and wisest people I have ever come across. I've spent HOURS, literally hours, reading threads here and I'm in awe of what you've been through, fought against and survived and thrived.

OnceCharmed (and perhaps, one day, will be charmed again...)

teke

as bad as it may seem to you, i honestly think that by the sound of things, you are making great progress. one step at a time, one day at a time, i have no doubt you will get there, even if he decides not to.just keep moving forward, taking care of you.

a lot of us have been where you are and are cheering you on.

PeaceTrain

Dear Charmed - you are making progress - your writing is cogent and humorous -
you have accomplished the first thing on the list - shower! -- Good going - Now as Regis would say - Call a friend. Confide in a friend or family member to help you move forward. The list can wait - right now it is all about You

tjp613

I agree with Peace Train -- call a friend!! Isolation is a dangerous place to be when all you have are your thoughts and worries to keep you company.

Did you get any work done on finding an attorney?

BigSis

(((Hugs)))

Read through all those good answers once again, noting the things you want to do on a piece of paper.

Say prayer to have your Higher Power guide you specifically.

Make the phone call (s) you can make after writing the list.

Pray again for strength, wisdom and clarity.


I will pray for the same.


You are not alone.

(((hugs)))

IPT

Praying for strength for you. Have gone thru some difficult times myself and I understand. One step at a time, it WILL get better.

bluejay6

I believe you will be WISE and STRONG, charmed....after you emerge from this breakdown of everything you had and knew and counted on.

You know, my experience is that no one can ever be a true healer unless they have suffered in the darkest realms and emerged changed.

Your perfect life......it was good and you never took it for granted. But it did not burn you in the fires, Charmed, as this is doing.

I am truly sorry for your suffering for I do remember well the months I slept on the couch and woke up in my empty house at 4 or 5 and watched the sun come up and cried and cried and cried.

You are too traumatized to understand what I am about to say here:

but I am glad for what happened to me, the pain, the loneliness, the shock, all of it.

I was molded into a new woman, and I thank God I became her. I needed to shed an old and shallow skin. There was so much depth in me I never knew, and as a consequence, I was unable to truly connect with anyone distraught and defeated and paralyzed with pain. My life had been too easy.

I think, Charmed, although you cannot possibly know or want to know right now....but I believe God is making you ready to become a healer.

First, the suffering.

Stay connected to those who can help you and bear you up right now. Ask for help from everyone you have ever known and trusted.

Love,
Bluejay