sunnigirl

dear friends, I could use your support today. This week has been an angst filled one, so as to not repeat myself, there is another thread giving the outline. I wrote my AH an email last night at around 1:00 in the morning. I am not sleeping well these days, and then went to sleep in a different room. He has barely spoken to me in days. I know it's a chicken **** way to communicate when we live in the same house, but something wilted in me last night. Did I cry and beg him to forgive me? (I have in the past, but forgive me for what, not liking his addiction? stupid, stupid) No, I told him that although I loved him, I knew I wouldn't stay married to a husband in active addiction, and that I knew he wasn't going to stop just because I wanted him to. I also said that I wasn't going to wait forever, and that the last year had proved that although he could somewhat manage his addiction, it was not recovery, that I wanted honesty, truth, and a healthy loving relationship. He left this morning and took his toothbrush and a few clothes, even before he read my email as he hasn't logged on his computer. He said nothing, I have heard nothing from him, and I continue to feel panicky and sick to my stomach. not a good day so far!

teke

i'm sorry and i'm praying for you guys.

Suspicious

Hugs and support to you Sunni. Dont give up hope that you will feel better.

Learn2Live

Sunni-Hunni, Look past your feelings, breathe deep, and think. "Knowing what I know, do I really want this person to come back into my life?"

No one can manage their addiction. If he is not in active, continuous recovery, his disease will progress.

I'm very familiar with your panic and your sick stomach. He has left, obviously with the intention of staying gone a while. You didn't ask him to leave. But you have the power to make CHOICES for your life. Every day you have the power to decide for yourself what is best for you and what you will not accept. Try to focus on the choices you have available to you right now.

IPT

sunnigirl - I can totally relate to the emotions you feel. I've been living with them for weeks. Worse yet is orignially I told her I was done. Well I let her back, and then she left. Iit made it so different for some reason. It left such a huge hole, fear, sadness, and anger in me that Is till wrestle with. I am dealing with it with a lot of support here. I also found a book that I found helpful for me to learn about me and help deal with not only the feelings but how I got where I was in the first place. I am in a better place now and hopefully heading back toward a life with less heartache and more peace, love, and respectful treatment.

The book is called "getting past your breakup" by Susan Elliott. Breakup or not, this book is geared toward learning about you and your decisions and how to better your life. You may want to take a look at it.

I am sorry your feeling what you're feeling. You may want to look at some of my threads as I am going thru a very similar siuation and some people ave posted some very helpful comments, expereinces, and thoughts in them that helped me a lot. Sorry your feeling that pain, it's a horrible place to be but in the end it will get you to a better life.

sunnigirl

Thanks, and I have read your posts IPT. He did write me an email this afternoon, told me that he couldn't deal with my suspicions any more and was afraid to come back to the house - what that means I don't know, it's not like I am screaming at him or worse! I have not responded, but did check his phone records and saw that he was in touch with a former gf (a user in her past anyway, we've never met) and that he drove out of his way on his holiday with his son to see her... charming aint it?

Learn2Live

His words show that he is blaming his leaving on you. He does not acknowledge that ANY of his behavior has ANYTHING to do with the problems.

What are your instincts about this? Follow them.

sunnigirl

Yes, it's as if my suspicions and not his actions are to blame. About the old gf - don't know what that's about. If I were to take my emotions out of it for a moment, I think it's nostalgia. He started using heroin with her, she introduced it to him, not that he was an angel or anything. They broke up ten years ago when he went into treatment. Maybe he is thinking back on what it was like to have a partner who accepted his using? Does that even make sense? Plus his son, who was with him, has this very idealised vision of the gf, thinks she was just so wonderful. He doesn't know his dad has had problems with drug use, nor does he know how he got introduced to his most harmful DOC. yes I am hurt, jealous, sad blah blah blah I am so sick of my self really.

He came home last night after indicating he wasn't going to, went to bed and didn't say a word. left again this morning and I don't know what his plan is. I emailed him, probably a codependent action on my part. (sigh)

outtolunch

What's your plan?

You said your boundary is that you will not live with someone in active addiction. Given you have a 15 year old daughter, at home, that sounded like a reasonable plan.

He's doing what addicts do. Addiction is, as you know, progressive. He's not done with it, yet.

We often get confused about boundaries. I know I do. A boundary is about what is and is not not acceptable to us. It has nothing to do with trying to control someone else's behavior.

Our anger, frustration and anxiety are usually a reflection of a boundary intended to control someone else's behavior, that backfired.

Only you can determine what is acceptable to you and what you will do when confronted with an unacceptable situation.

outtolunch

The Guide to being an Addict Handbook compels the addict to:

Blame other people for their addiction, and

Manipulate other people into feeling responsible for them

It sounds like you are rationalizing his choice to make contact, with her....a nostalgia thing. Does it really matter?

Only you can decide if you want to live with someone who is an active heroin addict and the baggage that comes with this.

lost84

i'll never understand HOW they want to be with other addicts over CLEAN people who LOVE them.

IPT

It's way easier and safer. They don't have to worry about being accepted, if what they is doing is wrong, or if they should be choosing a different life. It's all good when the people around you are in the same place and doing the same things. They can really be themselves, let the addicition rule and not feel like anyone is judging them.

My g/f always said I was "judging" her. I admit, I would be dissapointed if I knew she used. I'd be sad, but I never felt I "judged" her. I would point out thet she said she wasn;t going to do that and yet she did it (which I now know was a poor choice).

It would be tough to be around someone who you didn't feel was accepting your actions (even if you yourself didn't accept them and knew they were bad for you). No one wants to have thier failures pointed out to them even if it is done with love and concern. Even just being around someone healthy (who doesn't say a work about it) knowing yourself that you used would probably be a lot harder than being with another user, or someone who didn't care.

I know I made a lot of mistakes in how I handled my ex. I'm sure it pushed her away. Still, to me the only option was to walk away. I just couldn't accept it as it was. The options were lose, lose for me, and probably many.

sunnigirl

Oh IPT, forgive yourself, honestly I believe you did the best you could.
Question, how to go about having a boundary respected? I can state it, but then what? Also, I have to state that it is so hard to know when he's been using, it's usually only after the fact when he is in withdrawal that I know, but even so, his methadone covers that for the most part. I believe his pattern is to not use most of the time, and then go on mini heroin vacations (a weekend, often away, as his son does not live in the same town as we do and he stays with a friend, who has an addiction problem. In this way, much of his using is away from me, then he returns to work, to me, to our life together, and I just never know if he's okay, and as said before, he avoids answering all questions that might have anything to do with drugs or what he does when he is away. He just turns it into, what does it matter, you wouldn't believe me anyway type of deflections.

IPT

sunnygirl... I'm trying to, I'm trying. Everyone around me thinks I did the best I could. I am just not used to failing when I put myself into something. We need a little banner thing flapping saying "personal growth, a lot of learning going on here, painful area, enter with caution".

Anyway, about boundaries being respected. I think there is sticky about boundaries. I'm no expert and surely someone else will chime in. The way I get it is that you need to just make it clear what you will or will not expect, or accept, what you need. If there are consequences associated with a failure of him to respect that boundary, you MUST FOLLOW thru with it (or else it becomes meaningless and they see they can walk over and around you). Early on as I was learing about this I failed miserably at it. I often made huge statements like "if you're not on time we are done". Then she'd come 20mins late after texting at the right time saying she on her way and I'd let it slide.

So, start small, and with things you are prepared to stand behind. Decide what is important to you and what you need for your emotional health and happiness, not to control him. Don't use "if you" in it because that sounds controlling (and probably is - and I know I did that early on) but instead say "I need xyz".

Learn2Live

Hi Sunni. I unfortunately recognize what you are describing here. I also saw them as "vacations" but they are not vacations. This is the insidious continuous drug use / addiction cycle. He is stuck in this cycle, has been for some time, and will continue to be stuck in it, until he steps outside it. It appears that the methadone does not help him to step out of it anymore.

Your challenge is to recognize the cycle for what it is and to see that YOU ARE STUCK IN IT TOO. Your job is to step out of it, regardless of whether or not He does.

This is my understanding of this whole mess. Take what you like, leave the rest.

outtolunch

Let's turn this around, shall we......

A boundary would be along this line.....

I value punctuality. I respect that others have the choice to be punctual, or not. I will not associate with people who are not punctual.

An attempt to control someone else is:
You had better be on time or you are history.

Learn2Live

I agree and would like to add how I was taught to communicate my boundaries:

Choose an appropriate time to talk to the person who is not respecting your boundaries and state, without emotion or complaint:

-When a person tells me that they will meet me at a specific time, I need and expect them to honor their commitment to be on time.

-When you make a commitment to me to be somewhere at a specific time, and you do not show up, I feel unimportant, inconvenienced, and <fill in the blanks>.

-If in the future (beginning right now) you make a commitment to me to be somewhere at a specific time, and you do not arrive at the originally-promised time, I will <fill in the blank>. Maybe something like: I will no longer schedule to meet you anywhere at any time. Or, I will wait one minute, and then leave. Something like that.

kj3880

Some examples of boundaries I have in my relationship with a recovering addict who is working a program I respect (almost 8 years clean, meetings still most days, sponsor, steps, etc):

1. I like to be on time for meetings. I will be leaving to get to the 8pm meeting at 7:35. If you need a ride, be at the front door at that time. I protect this boundary by leaving, whether or not he is at the door (he can't drive since he had a stroke) on time. This protects not just my boundaries, but my sanity, as I won't have a resentment due to someone else making me late for a meeting.

2. I don't mind picking him up from work if I am up. He works a little more than a mile from the house. But I work shift work, and when I'm on evening shift, 5-1am, I need to sleep until about 10an to feel good. So if his shift is over at 6am, he knows that he shouldn't call me for a ride. He will have to walk home, if his shift would interfere with my sleep.

3. My recovery comes first in my life now. So if there is a time when he wants me to do something but I have a recovery-related meeting, appointment, or service commitment, that comes first. He just has to adjust to it. I refuse to argue or explain it over and over.

4. I keep my money and finances separate from my relationship. It just makes for less conflict. He has his bills, and I have mine. When we do something together, like take a trip, we each pay 1/2. If he doesn't have his 1/2, I go alone or with my daughter. We buy each other gifts sometimes, but that's different, and it is not an obligation.

5. Our recovery is separate. We don't share step work, we have different sponsors and home groups. We each go to some meetings alone or with other friends. I have no idea what goes on at his men's rap, and vice versa. We sometimes do pray together, but I stay out of his recovery, and he stays out of mine, unless I ask for help with something,

6. I don't allow anyone to go through my phone or purse. Ask me if you need cough drops or a phone number. If the door is closed, I expect him to knock. We respect privacy.

These are just a few boundaries that I've established, and can maybe give you some ideas.

Love,
KJ

sunnigirl

He's gone again, don't know any more than that. I wrote him again, as he will not converse with me, and discussed how I felt about him visiting his old gf, why, and set a boundary (probably not a good one), said that if he initiated contact, went to see her again, I wouldn't be intimate with him again - a dealbreaker for all the reasons I have already written about here. His response, silence and absence. I meant what I said. Perhaps it is time I was clear, damn the consequences. I don't feel angry right now, just resigned.

Blackrose56

You've gotten some wonderful "advice". Yep, the gf boundary was not a good one. And remember, if you set a boundary and they cross it, be ready to abide by it. I told my ex that if he relapsed one more time, he was out. He did. I threw him out. He ended up on the couch of an old gf. Trying to "show" me. It's all about manipulation and control. And as someone else said, it's not about LOVE. It's about being with someone who doesn't care what you do. Someone who lets you drink and drug. I've have gone through similar. My ex contact me after the last one threw him out and wanted to start over. My rule still applies, with me NO drunks, NO booze. So, he finds another bimbo. She drinks, she drugs and she is severely mentally ill. Now why would a man want that over a woman who was good, kind, loving and was so much NOT what he is with now? Because of the drugs. He senses you are about to throw him out, so he has to have a Plan B. Some place to stay. Instead of the emails, I would calmly ask him to discuss this. No fighting, no arguing, no accusations. Just discuss. It is not your fault he uses, but families can either make recovery easier or harder. I, too, was full of accusations and nagging and bringing up what he'd done. Our therapist said STOP it!!! Move on or tell him to get out....either try to make it work...or let him go.