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TOTAL RANT!! Just want to scream, cry and/or run away!!

Old 08-10-2009, 01:06 PM
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Angry TOTAL RANT!! Just want to scream, cry and/or run away!!

Just asked my AH to leave, he is SOOO mad. I had set specific boundaries in place last week and he just ran them over with a MACK truck. One of my boundaries was that I would allow him to stay at home as long he attend three NA or AA meetings per week as well as saw his therapist once a week. Also, I said if I felt uncomfortable or suspicious of his use at all and if I felt that he was not being honest with me, he was out. Of course now, I am a "spoiled brat " and all I do is check up on him and I drive him crazy and he can't wait to get a divorce (he told me to go see a lawyer TODAY) and he will finally be happy when he is away from me. That it doesn't matter if he uses or not, we don't get along anyway etc. etc. etc. Addict talk I know, but it still hurts my feelings.

My birthday was Friday and he had over $150.00 that he took out of his paycheck for my present. Not to mention, he took additional $40.00 out of our account on Thursday..so that equals $190.00 right?!? Well, he spent around $80.00 on my gift and bought cigarettes ($10.00), $10.00 in gas, and $10.00 for a Burger King dinner.. that only equals $110.00... so that means there is over $80.00 left... and he can't seem to come up with a story about what happened to it... apparently it just mysteriously disappeared? Last time I checked $80.00 was enough to buy COCAINE!!! I would understand if he misplaced $20.00 or $30.00 but $80.00?!? Come on!! Even if he had went to the "gas station" like he said he did Friday night (at 11:00 P.M.) he would still have at least $60-$70 left!! He went to the "gas station" to get candy but brought nothing back-hummmm... Of course, there is still that little annoying piece of me that second guesses myself.. BUT COME ON!!! SERIOUSLY!!?!? Why does addiction make you DUMB?!?!?

He was also supposed to go a AA meeting last night...well he came home and told me it was a good meeting. Found out this morning on accident that he didn't go. My Mother In Law talked to her friend whose husband attends and she said her husband didn't go to the AA meeting last night because of strong thunderstorms, a tree fell in their driveway. Problem being, my AH said he was there. So, my AH is lying about money, drugs and going to meetings but somehow I am the jerk?!?! Did I miss something?

It is so frustrating to know I am right and all he does is spit diarrhea out of his mouth! I hate it when he makes me feel like I am the reason he uses. I know this is all addict behavior but it still sucks. I just know the next few days are going to be horrible and I am going to want to let him back in when he gets in his "sorry" phase and promises to never do it again.. HELP ME BE STRONG!! I am sticking to my boundaries this time, if not for me, for my beautiful little 3 month old baby!
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Old 08-10-2009, 01:31 PM
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dear daisylady - scary how our stories are similar. My birthday was on Saturday and my AH got me NOTHING. and yes, although the addiction talk is just quack quack quack, it does hurt doesn't it? Stick to your boundaries girl. I admire you.
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Old 08-10-2009, 01:56 PM
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((daisylady))

hate that you are having such a sad and painful time.

I am 10 months separated from my ex AH and let me share with you - it is much better for me to NOT be living with the constant lies, manipulationa and deceit.

How I got to the point of "NOT" listening to the "I'm sorrys" and "Promises" that were always broken was to look at the reality of the situation - to base my decisions on his actions not his intentions, on what I knew was the truth not what he presented as the truth, and the realization of

"If you keep doing what you've always done, you will keep getting what you have always gotten"

I wanted a different life - after 16 plus years - I am working daily on making a new life for me.

That is my path for me - wishing you the best as to finding out what is your path for YOU!!

HUGS,
Rita
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Old 08-10-2009, 02:03 PM
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He's rung that bell by continuing to use and be a royal moron thinking you wouldn't see through his pile of lies. Think of it this way, that bell can't be UN-rung. It has already sounded. He has to go. He can be apologetic. He can throw at fit. It's beyond your control. He did the deed and signed his eviction himself. It is what it is. Just tell him there's nothing you can do.

The further you detach from him and his pack full of crap, the less you will take all of this personally and feel bad about the whole situation.

Now wave bye-bye, 'cause he has to leave now.

Stay strong Daisy...Stay very strong!!

Alice
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Old 08-10-2009, 02:18 PM
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they can use crack for as little as 10 dollars, meetings have been a "cover" for time out using for many of the addicts in our lives..............
same story with birthdays and money missing or money "inititally" intended for gifts.

the blame game isnt new either...........but you do know that your not wrong.

No matter the stories they come up with its always best to trust your gut.........dont
2nd guess yourself....as they say
if it walks like a duck and QUACKS like a duck ITS A DUCK!!!!!

keep reading the posts and stickys here on SR.......keep reaching out for support


((((((((((((HUGS)))))
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Old 08-10-2009, 02:28 PM
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Hang in there!! I am so glad you are following up with the boundaries you have set!
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Old 08-10-2009, 03:52 PM
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Originally Posted by daisylady View Post


I hate it when he makes me feel like I am the reason he uses
How exactly does he do this?

He can attempt to manipulate you to feel this way but you are way to sharp to fall for this crapola.

As for those boundaries.....well they sound more like you are trying to control him than boundaries for yourself. You expect him to tow the line and he's not doing it. Instead, he is doing what addicts do.

Can you consider reframing it.....to "I will not live with someone in active addiction", assuming this is your intent. No sense making boundaries unless you intend to follow through with the conseqequences. Only you can decide where to draw your own line.

Notice the emphasis on you, not him, not addiction. This is all about you and that baby.
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Old 08-10-2009, 07:27 PM
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hi Daisylady!
like outtolunch said..
it sounds to me also..like you are trying to control him, monitor him..etc.
All it will lead you to , is where you are right now..
TOTALLY FED UP AND FRUSTRATED.
REMEMBER..".you cant control it!"
but you can control YOU..and choices for you and your baby.
as for king baby..
he has to make his own choices..or bed..and then sleep in it.
again..
focus on YOU.
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Old 08-11-2009, 02:25 AM
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Like him, my son did what addicts do...giving lip service to recovery that was belied by the actions.

This IS what addicts do, take the path of least resistance and lie about using.

I got frustrated, I played codie detective thinking that if I could catch him in his lies he would either find recovery or stop telling lies to cover it...and of course that just led to more frustration, tears, and heartache. And I learned that my instinct told me more than his lies could ever tell me.

What worked for me was to find meetings and a program that literally saved MY life. As I learned to work the 12 steps, beginning with Step 1.."we admitted we were powerless over addiction and our lives had become unmanageable" I took the focus off him and turned it to healing myself because, in the end, "I" am the only person on earth that I can change.

Whether you are ready to leave him or not, we are all here to walk with you. The decision is yours alone. But from experience I can tell you that I wasn't ready to make these decision until I found my own balance and strength. Step 2 is "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity". I needed that sanity before I could make any decisions that were right for me...and trust that they WERE the right choices.

If there are meetings in your area, you would be doing yourself a huge favour to find some and given them a try. You may find that none of this is about 'him" anymore, that it''s about us and how we survive a life that has turned upside down.

And you will note that all the steps refer to "we" because this is a program that we work together and we are never alone. We don't have to do any of this without the support of people who have been there.

My heart and prayers go out for both of you.

Hugs
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Old 08-11-2009, 03:12 AM
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I agree with Ann. It is more than time for you to take the focus off of him and put it solely on you and your baby. You do not deserve to be treated like this. A woman should be nurtured, loved, and spoiled, especially on her birthday. And as the mother of his child, he should REALLY be all about you and your baby, together WITH you. That is what "normal" looks like in the real world. If you can't get that loving, nurturing treatment from him, why not consider giving it to yourself BY yourself. I had to realize that it was okay for me to do this for myself, to set the tone in my own home to one I could live with and grow with into the person I wanted to be for myself AND for my children. Their dad (alcoholic) has continued to do what addicts do, but they have had ME to watch as an alternative role model to an addict, and I think it is serving them well. It was difficult for me to make that change for myself, but easy to do it for my children. Think about it.
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Old 08-11-2009, 06:57 AM
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I am sticking to my guns and I am so proud of myself! I have not faltered! I told him I want him out, out, out ASAP. I told him I am not willing to live in the chaos any longer and that me and my little pumpkin deserve more than what he can give us right now. He is working long hours this week so he has asked his Mom to drop off a check (his check, his money) at some apartment (he has already filled out and paid for the application fee) he is going to be renting. I know she probably shouldn't be helping him but I just want him out so bad, I don't care who helps him!

Of course, after he cussed me out last night, he is "sorry" today and he "doesn't want to lose us," but I know it is just quacking. He even offered to take a drug test weekly! HA! Like that would help... he also is mad because he said I seem excited and happy that he is leaving-I kind of am.. I have been dealing with this for so long, to know that relief is only a few short days away makes a weight lift off of my shoulders.

I know my boundaries sound like I am trying to control him and I should have phrased them differently. I do know I can't control it, if we could, none of us would be here, because Lord knows, we have all tried to "fix" our addicts. I just want PEACE for MYSELF and MY SON and I am not willing to live with an active addict, especially not with my child there. I have a lot of work to do on my own recovery and I know I can't do it with him in my home. I am not sure if I want my marriage to end at this point, but I do know that my son and I deserve more.

I still have hope that his disease will become manageable once again for him, if not for our marriage, for our son. He deserves a healthy relationship with his Father, I just hope and pray that my AH gets the help he needs to that he can make that happen.

Thank you all for your support!

Much Love,
Daisy
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Old 08-11-2009, 08:55 AM
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hi Daisy..
yes..you said it well
ONE DAY AT A TIME.

you dont have to decide major things all at once.
just take it a day at a time..
and you will figure it out as you go.
and another slogan i love is
JUST FOR TODAY.
things will fall into place Daisylady!
life is short so dont forget to smell the daisies!
you're in my prayers!
:praying
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Old 08-11-2009, 11:40 AM
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daisy,
Rejection is God's Protection.
Think about this phrase and move on with your life
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Old 08-11-2009, 01:42 PM
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Just asked my AH to leave, he is SOOO mad. I had set specific boundaries in place last week and he just ran them over with a MACK truck. One of my boundaries was that I would allow him to stay at home as long he attend three NA or AA meetings per week as well as saw his therapist once a week. Also, I said if I felt uncomfortable or suspicious of his use at all and if I felt that he was not being honest with me, he was out. Of course now, I am a "spoiled brat " and all I do is check up on him and I drive him crazy and he can't wait to get a divorce (he told me to go see a lawyer TODAY) and he will finally be happy when he is away from me. That it doesn't matter if he uses or not, we don't get along anyway etc. etc. etc. Addict talk I know, but it still hurts my feelings.
I speak addict so if you will, let interprete here the "true" meaning of what he is saying to you.

You're a spoiled brat = I can't get my way

All you do is check up on me = You keep busting me (using, lying, etc) and it is pissing me off.

You drive me crazy = I can't make you accept my drug/alcohol addiction and I want to get high with your blessings.

I can't wait to get a divorce and then I will finally be happy = I want to use drugs and since you won't co-sign my addiction it I am can't wait to run off and get high without hearing and crap about it from you.

Go see a lawyer adds up to an empty threat coming from a paper tiger who is throwing a tantrum cause you won't co-sign his addiction.

As you learn to read between the lines (no pun intended) you will begin to journey into the land of not taking it personal. The truth is he would say and do what he says and does with anyone who came between him and his drug use. Nothing personal trust me.


My birthday was Friday and he had over $150.00 that he took out of his paycheck for my present. Not to mention, he took additional $40.00 out of our account on Thursday..so that equals $190.00 right?!? Well, he spent around $80.00 on my gift and bought cigarettes ($10.00), $10.00 in gas, and $10.00 for a Burger King dinner.. that only equals $110.00... so that means there is over $80.00 left... and he can't seem to come up with a story about what happened to it... apparently it just mysteriously disappeared? Last time I checked $80.00 was enough to buy COCAINE!!! I would understand if he misplaced $20.00 or $30.00 but $80.00?!? Come on!!
Addicts are firm believers in supporting their local dealer. You are right on target about where that money went and if the real truth be known it probably goes like this 5 on gas, 5 on burger king, 5 on cigs and $95. on cocaine.

Even if he had went to the "gas station" like he said he did Friday night(at 11:00 P.M.) he would still have at least $60-$70 left!! He went to the "gas station" to get candy but brought nothing back-hummmm... Of course, there is still that little annoying piece of me that second guesses myself.. BUT COME ON!!! SERIOUSLY!!?!? Why does addiction make you DUMB?!?!?
Okay, "technically" speaking he didn't lie to you about "getting candy" he probably did get candy. Cocaine is also referred to by us addicts as "NOSE CANDY!" and the gas station is a favorite place for dealers to deliver our "fuel" (so you see, we aren't lying when we say we're getting gas either)

Why does addiction make you DUMB?!?!?
Hence the word "dope"

Of course, there is still that little annoying piece of me that second guesses myself
If you stop and take the time to read your own words you will find that you don't have to second guess yourself anymore. The truth is clearly revealed. You don't have to accept his drug use, but you must do yourself and embrace the truth HE IS USING, HE IS LYING (the journey into true recovery isn't paved with lies) He is an addict trying to bs you and protect his beloved addiction.
See for yourself in your own words quoted below

He was also supposed to go a AA meeting last night...well he came home and told me it was a good meeting. Found out this morning on accident that he didn't go. My Mother In Law talked to her friend whose husband attends and she said her husband didn't go to the AA meeting last night because of strong thunderstorms, a tree fell in their driveway. Problem being, my AH said he was there. So, my AH is lying about money, drugs and going to meetings but somehow I am the jerk?!?! Did I miss something?
Nope you didn't miss a thing and that is why he is calling you a jerk -
You're on to him ... and he is the jerk trying to throw you off track .. May I suggest that when he opens his mouth and the verbal vomit starts spewing forth, picture him holding up a mirror in front of his face taking to himself ... because honestly, what is coming out of his mouth stems from what takes place deep within the addicts true heart of self hatred (deep, deep, way deep down ...it is how we truly feel about ourselves). (the awful things we say to our loved ones is called projection).

It is so frustrating to know I am right and all he does is spit diarrhea out of his mouth! I hate it when he makes me feel like I am the reason he uses.
It is frustrating to know the truth, but have someone deny the reality = "CRAZY MAKING"

YOU ARE NOT the reason he uses - He is addicted to drugs that is the reason he uses. He has this little voice inside him that is constantly screaming to be fed and and that voice gets louder and louder and louder until it becomes unbearable (until every part of your body is in agony) and they only way to shut it up is to feed it and shortly after you feed it .. the screaming starts all over again .. the more you feed it .. the more it will demand. A vicious cycle.

I know this is all addict behavior but it still sucks. I just know the next few days are going to be horrible and I am going to want to let him back in when he gets in his "sorry" phase and promises to never do it again.. HELP ME BE STRONG!! I am sticking to my boundaries this time, if not for me, for my beautiful little 3 month old baby!
He isn't capable of keeping his promises .. hasn't he proven that time and time again?

Keep in mind addicts are skilled masters in the art of manipulation.
We know your buttons and soft points. We know what face to make, words to use, behavior to display right down to knowing how to breath to get our foot back in the door.

Truth behind "I'm sorry" = I'm sorry I got caught, I'm sorry you don't like it that I use, I'm sorry, but I like to get high, I'm sorry but I will lie to your face .. tell you just what you want to hear just as long as you let me back in and I can have a roof over my head, food in my mouth a warm bed at night .. and money for dope. I'm sorry for ME and to heck with you ... just give me what I want and keep your mouth shut and we wouldn't have these problems.

If nothing changes - nothing changes.

Be strong... for your baby, for you and for your husband. Because the truth is every time he uses he is playing Russian roulette with his life and taking one step close to death.

It is okay to refuse to stand by and be a part of/watch him killing himself.

I truly believe where the addict is concerned the most pure form of love comes from of the word NO



Passion
Recovering Addict
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Old 08-11-2009, 03:05 PM
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Daisy,

Please consider filing for child support.
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Old 08-11-2009, 03:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
.

I got frustrated, I played codie detective thinking that if I could catch him in his lies he would either find recovery or stop telling lies to cover it.
It seemed so rational at the time, didn't it.

What were we all thinking. Oh yeah....that's right, we were not thinking. We were too busy focusing our magic powers on fixing them.
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