how to deal when they leave you?
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how to deal when they leave you?
So, my guess is many of you have been following my struggles (and gains) over the past few weeks. A quick recap...I left my xagf at Easter because she once again no showed, no called and I told her I didn't want that in my life anymore. I grasped she simply was not capable or not able to change her ways and simply let go, peacefully. I felt loss, and sorrow, but positive and happy, at peace with it.
After a few weeks we had text’s and some emails where she said she messed up, was sorry. I told her I had given her many chances and she blew it. She replied she didn't want to lose me , etc. I was not moved by any of it, I was at peace and happy to be out of the drama.
After not seeing her for 5 weeks we got together to be physical mainly (bad move). Saw each other once a week for about 3 weeks. She said "are we dating?" and I made it clear we were not. Then her friend came in to visit. As she withdrew to party with her friend I suddenly became wanting her around again. We went to a wedding and it sort of reminded me of how much I did care for her (and that the friends that got married meet AFTER us!). My heart and mind slipped and I told her I wanted to talk about what could be. She made plans with me then no-showed. She did it again a week later after sending texts all week that she had no time to talk yet. She put it back on me that she wasn’t around because I told her I didn’t want her, that she was “not the one you want”. Her last text was “I’m not ignoring you. You hurt me too. I need more time before we talk. Take care of yourself”
We have not spoken in almost 5 weeks now and I am still tore up about it. It pis*es me off that she has not responded to my request for communication. Still, I have kept strong and not contacted her out of sadness, anger, or loneliness. However, I CANNOT get back to where I was at Easter! I have many new exciting things in my life I should be happy about. I go out with my friends, exercise, try to keep busy, but inside I am sad, lonely, hurt, and mad - even in my friends company. Any time I see someone who looks like her I feel sick to my stomach. I just envision her partying and choosing someone else over me.
Why is it SO different when they leave us?
After a few weeks we had text’s and some emails where she said she messed up, was sorry. I told her I had given her many chances and she blew it. She replied she didn't want to lose me , etc. I was not moved by any of it, I was at peace and happy to be out of the drama.
After not seeing her for 5 weeks we got together to be physical mainly (bad move). Saw each other once a week for about 3 weeks. She said "are we dating?" and I made it clear we were not. Then her friend came in to visit. As she withdrew to party with her friend I suddenly became wanting her around again. We went to a wedding and it sort of reminded me of how much I did care for her (and that the friends that got married meet AFTER us!). My heart and mind slipped and I told her I wanted to talk about what could be. She made plans with me then no-showed. She did it again a week later after sending texts all week that she had no time to talk yet. She put it back on me that she wasn’t around because I told her I didn’t want her, that she was “not the one you want”. Her last text was “I’m not ignoring you. You hurt me too. I need more time before we talk. Take care of yourself”
We have not spoken in almost 5 weeks now and I am still tore up about it. It pis*es me off that she has not responded to my request for communication. Still, I have kept strong and not contacted her out of sadness, anger, or loneliness. However, I CANNOT get back to where I was at Easter! I have many new exciting things in my life I should be happy about. I go out with my friends, exercise, try to keep busy, but inside I am sad, lonely, hurt, and mad - even in my friends company. Any time I see someone who looks like her I feel sick to my stomach. I just envision her partying and choosing someone else over me.
Why is it SO different when they leave us?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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IPT,
A break up in a relationship is hard no matter who did the leaving or even if it was mutual. I think though when we get left it is our self asteem than takes a hit and we get left with feelings of being unwanted or not good enough, unloved when we loved our partner so much.
We want to be the one that saves them and for some reason I think its telling us if we save them and they stop using, that means the love they have for us. We are craving their love, attention and devotion. We think if someone else saves them that they are getting what we wanted so much from them and again it hits our self-asteem.
We have to learn that their using has nothing to do with the love they have for us, that if you loved me enough you would stop using. Their using has nothing to do with us and never has. I had the very same thoughts, if my husband loved me enough he would stop. It is a very difficult thing to get through to our heads. My husband and I had two sons together and I know the love he had for them was endless, his love for them wasn't enough to make him stop. It just still all comes down to drug addiction the love for the drug.
This is just my take on it and how it effected me.
Rose
A break up in a relationship is hard no matter who did the leaving or even if it was mutual. I think though when we get left it is our self asteem than takes a hit and we get left with feelings of being unwanted or not good enough, unloved when we loved our partner so much.
We want to be the one that saves them and for some reason I think its telling us if we save them and they stop using, that means the love they have for us. We are craving their love, attention and devotion. We think if someone else saves them that they are getting what we wanted so much from them and again it hits our self-asteem.
We have to learn that their using has nothing to do with the love they have for us, that if you loved me enough you would stop using. Their using has nothing to do with us and never has. I had the very same thoughts, if my husband loved me enough he would stop. It is a very difficult thing to get through to our heads. My husband and I had two sons together and I know the love he had for them was endless, his love for them wasn't enough to make him stop. It just still all comes down to drug addiction the love for the drug.
This is just my take on it and how it effected me.
Rose
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I always personalized everything with my EXAH. In the end, it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with his addiction.
Today I work very hard at not taking things personal, and staying away from such toxic relationships.
Today I work very hard at not taking things personal, and staying away from such toxic relationships.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
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Hi IPT - You've been on my mind this morning for some reason. I guess because I did something kinda weird yesterday and thought of you.
My exABF and I broke up 10 years ago (10 years!) and there are times I still obsess about him. Mostly now I obsess about "what on earth was I thinking" to stay in that mess, and obsessively thank GOD that He got me out of it. But I do still wonder many times if he has continued on his self-destructive path, although there really is no question in my mind that he has. I also obsess if he still lives close by me because, yes, I am paranoid and afraid of him and always will be.
Yesterday I paid $7.00 to get on my state's public safety website and look up to see if he had a criminal record. Lo and behold it appears he was arrested last year for "interfering with an emergency call" -- which means that his girlfriend/wife (?) was calling 911 to save her life and he did something to stop it. He spent 3 days in jail for that. He looked like hell in his mug shot. Same beady bloodshot eyes and the creases in his face were very deep.
My point is, and there is one (!), is that your confusion and questions may last a very long, long time. You will probably never get the answers you seek. And in the end it doesn't really matter "why" -- many things are beyond our understanding. Just be patient with yourself and try to live in the precious present. It's a process, but dwelling in the past or worrying about the future are exercises in futility and you end up missing the beauty that is around you right now.
I hope you have a wonderful day today!
My exABF and I broke up 10 years ago (10 years!) and there are times I still obsess about him. Mostly now I obsess about "what on earth was I thinking" to stay in that mess, and obsessively thank GOD that He got me out of it. But I do still wonder many times if he has continued on his self-destructive path, although there really is no question in my mind that he has. I also obsess if he still lives close by me because, yes, I am paranoid and afraid of him and always will be.
Yesterday I paid $7.00 to get on my state's public safety website and look up to see if he had a criminal record. Lo and behold it appears he was arrested last year for "interfering with an emergency call" -- which means that his girlfriend/wife (?) was calling 911 to save her life and he did something to stop it. He spent 3 days in jail for that. He looked like hell in his mug shot. Same beady bloodshot eyes and the creases in his face were very deep.
My point is, and there is one (!), is that your confusion and questions may last a very long, long time. You will probably never get the answers you seek. And in the end it doesn't really matter "why" -- many things are beyond our understanding. Just be patient with yourself and try to live in the precious present. It's a process, but dwelling in the past or worrying about the future are exercises in futility and you end up missing the beauty that is around you right now.
I hope you have a wonderful day today!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by IPT 
We have not spoken in almost 5 weeks now and I am still tore up about it. It pis*es me off that she has not responded to my request for communication. .
This relationship reads more like a cat and mouse game than anything else. Forbidden fruit is often juicier in small bursts than it is, day in and day out.
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Thank you everyone. You sharing your thoughts, insights, and experiences help me and I appreciate it. I'm sure I'll be back after pondering all that was written.
Outtoluch - your's jumped off the page at me. I spoke to my therapist about that on a few occasions. I am in control of my life for the most part. She is out of control and took me along with her (I went along with her really). He felt it was totally normal that I be seeking to try and get control of my life, the situation. However, as you might have guessed he felt that way to do that was let her go on her way and me on mine since all I have control over is me.....
I spoke to a RA friend of mine and described the relationships super intense ups and downs (juicy small bursts). He said it sounds JUST like using.... in part I am still in withdrawl....
Outtoluch - your's jumped off the page at me. I spoke to my therapist about that on a few occasions. I am in control of my life for the most part. She is out of control and took me along with her (I went along with her really). He felt it was totally normal that I be seeking to try and get control of my life, the situation. However, as you might have guessed he felt that way to do that was let her go on her way and me on mine since all I have control over is me.....
I spoke to a RA friend of mine and described the relationships super intense ups and downs (juicy small bursts). He said it sounds JUST like using.... in part I am still in withdrawl....
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tjp - I really appreciate you sharing with me. It is helping me stick to my conviction to not re-enter this if she actually does reach out. I obviously cannot live this life otherwise we wouldn't be having problems. Many, many people including my therapist who knows her and her history have told me she will have many years of hard times and struggles if she actually decides to work at changing at 31 y/o. The odds are stacked tremendously against her even if she does go that route and I am too far into this with multiple failures to invest in it at this point.
This may be true...but it's sad if it is. I meet people who are married 50 sometimes 60 years. They still act like high school sweethearts! Is it simply fate that provides that? I like to believe that with commitment and hard work one can develop that type of relationship and longevity. Maybe I am kidding myself to believe that. Research indicates that most of the relationships that go the distance happily are linked to doing things together, working for it. I like to believe that we can change our destiny, our lives.
Just sad to think that she indicated she was on my path with me and then so suddenly left it. Addicition, her co-dependant relationships, or any reason really I still feel lied to and hurt. I just realize that she was playing me to have her cake and eat it too - I find it hard to beleieve she was not consciously aware of what she was doing. I know it'll pass, and I need to work thru it, but there is so many ups, downs, and confused thoughts.
Thanks for your thoughts
.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
AT BEST some times OUR path runs parallel to the path of another distinct unique individual for a period of time.
if we truly honor THEIR path in life in equal measure to our own, we will come to the understanding that it was never about leaving US behind, their path simply took them farther along their journey. they were never OURS to keep forever.........
if we truly honor THEIR path in life in equal measure to our own, we will come to the understanding that it was never about leaving US behind, their path simply took them farther along their journey. they were never OURS to keep forever.........
Just sad to think that she indicated she was on my path with me and then so suddenly left it. Addicition, her co-dependant relationships, or any reason really I still feel lied to and hurt. I just realize that she was playing me to have her cake and eat it too - I find it hard to beleieve she was not consciously aware of what she was doing. I know it'll pass, and I need to work thru it, but there is so many ups, downs, and confused thoughts.
Thanks for your thoughts
.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Dear IPT,
What part of "I'm not the one you want" do you not understand?
I don't like how harsh that sounds, but if I've learned anything in my 63 years - it is to believe people when they tell you that they cannot be what you want them to be. That statement may have been her one true moment of clarity ..... and if it helps, you should know that if she did not care for you, she would not have said it. Believe her. She is leveling with you about her own perceived (in)ability to live up to your expectations. She tried, she failed. She disappointed you. She does not want to disappoint you yet again. It is up to you to honor her perceptions.
"This may be true...but it's sad if it is. I meet people who are married 50 sometimes 60 years. They still act like high school sweethearts!"
You know as well as I do that that is not the norm. Just look around.
You sound like a wonderful and caring person. Remember that *time* heals all wounds. Give yourself all the time you need to get past this. You will find another love.
What part of "I'm not the one you want" do you not understand?
I don't like how harsh that sounds, but if I've learned anything in my 63 years - it is to believe people when they tell you that they cannot be what you want them to be. That statement may have been her one true moment of clarity ..... and if it helps, you should know that if she did not care for you, she would not have said it. Believe her. She is leveling with you about her own perceived (in)ability to live up to your expectations. She tried, she failed. She disappointed you. She does not want to disappoint you yet again. It is up to you to honor her perceptions.
"This may be true...but it's sad if it is. I meet people who are married 50 sometimes 60 years. They still act like high school sweethearts!"
You know as well as I do that that is not the norm. Just look around.
You sound like a wonderful and caring person. Remember that *time* heals all wounds. Give yourself all the time you need to get past this. You will find another love.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
I think a great number of us struggle with this question. I know I do.
My xAGF left me while she was in treatment. The reasons she gave me make no sense to me, but they evidently matter to her. And that is her right.
One thing my therapist has talked with me about is that often, whith addicts, when they "break up with you" it is one of 2 things:
1. They are convinced that you are going to break up with them, so they do it proactively. Easier on the ego. They find something, real or imagined, that is wrong with you, and stop seeing you because of that.
2. The other is that they are projecting on you that which they fear most in themselves. In my case, my xAGF accused me of being untrustworthy. There is a good chance that in reality, she realizes that she is untrustworthy.
HTH
My xAGF left me while she was in treatment. The reasons she gave me make no sense to me, but they evidently matter to her. And that is her right.
One thing my therapist has talked with me about is that often, whith addicts, when they "break up with you" it is one of 2 things:
1. They are convinced that you are going to break up with them, so they do it proactively. Easier on the ego. They find something, real or imagined, that is wrong with you, and stop seeing you because of that.
2. The other is that they are projecting on you that which they fear most in themselves. In my case, my xAGF accused me of being untrustworthy. There is a good chance that in reality, she realizes that she is untrustworthy.
HTH
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Originally Posted by doonya
Dear IPT,
What part of "I'm not the one you want" do you not understand?
That statement may have been her one true moment of clarity ..... and if it helps, you should know that if she did not care for you, she would not have said it. Believe her. She is leveling with you about her own perceived (in)ability to live up to your expectations. She tried, she failed. She disappointed you. She does not want to disappoint you yet again. It is up to you to honor her perceptions.
What part of "I'm not the one you want" do you not understand?
That statement may have been her one true moment of clarity ..... and if it helps, you should know that if she did not care for you, she would not have said it. Believe her. She is leveling with you about her own perceived (in)ability to live up to your expectations. She tried, she failed. She disappointed you. She does not want to disappoint you yet again. It is up to you to honor her perceptions.
Wow, I have been in a little bit of shock since reading you post a few hours ago. I heard the words, but something about where I am now emotionally and how you put it just rocked my world. I just realized how hard it probably was for her. Trying to get out of her "world" and get to mine where she so wanted to be and realizing over and over and again she didn't have the skills to get there.
It's what my RA friend told me..."addicts want to quit, but just do not have the coping or life skills to do it". I loved and cared about her so much I just wanted a better life for her. For her to find the happiness everyone deserves in life.
I remember showing her something in a bodybuilding book I had about the psychology of dieting (the tricks our mind’s play that weaken our resolve, about delayed gratification, and other mental skills to reach our goals and succeed at about anything). She was sort of blown away, and noted how lucky I was to have read that and had it in my life for so long. She said she never learned any of that. Few skills really, since her parents basically abandoned her at around age 11 or 12.
I guess I just wanted her to succeed and I knew I had some of the tools to help her. Still, as a partner that was not my place (though I am not sure if giving a loved one advice and literature to help them reach a goal is bad. I think it is a good thing, and would be appreciative if my partner did it for me. Though in this community it may be considered co-dependent....and if done over and over again when the other person is not receptive to it, it may be? I still get confused about some of that).
Sorry for rambling. You really helped me in my recovery and perspective today. I have much to work on, contemplate, and to journal about. I have much forgiveness to send out to the universe…both to myself and her. I have pain to sit with, guilt, and so much to learn myself.
I wish she would have went to rehab to get the skills she needed. I wish she wasn’t so afraid. I wish she had a more supportive family. I wish I didn’t care about her so much. No I don't, I am glad that I did. I was probably one of the only heathy (though I clearly had my own issues too - but not in responsibility and honesty at least) people in her life. I am glad that she got to see that and my family function in a healthy way.
Thanks for making me cry,,,I needed to get to that place. Thank you every one of you for your time. I can’t tell you how appreciative I am of it.
Peace..
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Originally Posted by TrainWreckAgain
In my case, my xAGF accused me of being untrustworthy. There is a good chance that in reality, she realizes that she is untrustworthy.
I just always thought it was her low self esteem and that if she put forth the effort and had some success she could build her esteem. Apparently it was all too much for her. She was barely able to function, certainly couldn’t “achieve” much. I’ve watched her get worse and worse, go farther and farther away from where she wants to be. I can only hope she seeks help before she ends her suffering like she has many times told me she wants to.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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As my therapist told me it all comes down to one thing...she is not ready to change! As I have indicated, I knew my ex since he was 11. And he said for years he wanted what I had. And he worked very hard to get clean and sober. And after 4 years, he contacted me and told me what he had accomplished and as time went on, we became a couple. He worked hard to be in my life. But he couldn't keep it up. He wasn't ready. And that is sad. But the truth. I know how hard it is for me to change. It is just as hard, if not harder for them.
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hi, i've been keeping up with your post and to me it kind of sound like you told her first you could not except her behavior. if so, i wouldn't think she left you. maybe i'm comfused a little, i don't know. could it be possible that when you told her to leave or that you were done, you expected her to turn and do what she needed to do to be able to continue to be in your life?
is it possible that you were not really done but expected a different reaction from the one you got? i'm not trying to be insensitive, i've been there and i know how much it hurts.
i'm a ra and i can tell you from exp., getting clean, keeping dates, just being responsible is short of impossible for an active addict. while actively using, i could in no way call what i was doing,"partying". no matter how sorry for her and her life you are, still no matter what you do or say or show her is gonna make her make better decisions unless she wants to.
at one point my ah got clean while i was still using and he said the same thing to me about him being done. he left with the minor kids and no matter how badly i wanted to be with them, i could not find my way to sobriety. i missed appointments, dates and everything else. over the course of my addiction, i've gone through about 7 rehabs but whether i stayed clean or not depended on how badly i want it. its a life or death kind struggle.when she get sick and tired of being sick and tired she may just seek help.
it took for my family to do what you did and meant it for me to want to live badly enough for me to have that strong desire to take on that fight. since you want to help her, maybe you could pray for her safety and sobriety and pray for your own strength to allow her addiction to run its course.
to be honest with you, even though she is not responding to now, i got a feeling you haven't heard the last from her yet, so please take it from me, keep doing what you are doing to take care of you so hopefully you won't be caught off guard if/when she does. you say she's getting worse and worse so i think maybe she could or could not be closer to her breaking point.
my ah maybe is still sinking fast i guess, and thats been for the past 23 yrs. its up to you whether you want to be there or make a better life for yourself. i hope some of all of this makes some kind of sense. still praying for you and for her.
is it possible that you were not really done but expected a different reaction from the one you got? i'm not trying to be insensitive, i've been there and i know how much it hurts.
i'm a ra and i can tell you from exp., getting clean, keeping dates, just being responsible is short of impossible for an active addict. while actively using, i could in no way call what i was doing,"partying". no matter how sorry for her and her life you are, still no matter what you do or say or show her is gonna make her make better decisions unless she wants to.
at one point my ah got clean while i was still using and he said the same thing to me about him being done. he left with the minor kids and no matter how badly i wanted to be with them, i could not find my way to sobriety. i missed appointments, dates and everything else. over the course of my addiction, i've gone through about 7 rehabs but whether i stayed clean or not depended on how badly i want it. its a life or death kind struggle.when she get sick and tired of being sick and tired she may just seek help.
it took for my family to do what you did and meant it for me to want to live badly enough for me to have that strong desire to take on that fight. since you want to help her, maybe you could pray for her safety and sobriety and pray for your own strength to allow her addiction to run its course.
to be honest with you, even though she is not responding to now, i got a feeling you haven't heard the last from her yet, so please take it from me, keep doing what you are doing to take care of you so hopefully you won't be caught off guard if/when she does. you say she's getting worse and worse so i think maybe she could or could not be closer to her breaking point.
my ah maybe is still sinking fast i guess, and thats been for the past 23 yrs. its up to you whether you want to be there or make a better life for yourself. i hope some of all of this makes some kind of sense. still praying for you and for her.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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I CANNOT get back to where I was at Easter! I have many new exciting things in my life I should be happy about. I go out with my friends, exercise, try to keep busy, but inside I am sad, lonely, hurt, and mad
Until this past weekend when I talked to THAT PERSON who dumped me (A+A Ex) 6 months ago and that person confirmed to me everything I already suspected. The sadness, loneliness, and hurt LIFTED OFF ME in a single moment and I immediately felt better. At first, I thought it was my "love" for that person, that joy returned at the sound of his voice, that I was so happy that that person had come back into my life after having dumped me, cheated on me, etc.
But I was so confused by this! I mean, wait! I DON'T want to be with this person. I have known this for MONTHS. I'd already recognized all the bad stuff about this person who treats me so horribly. I couldn't understand what was happening. My interpretation of my feelings completely contradicted what I have been thinking for 6 months!
But by the end of the day I realized it had nothing to do with love or wanting to be with him, or anything mystical like fate or whatever. I GOT CLOSURE when I spoke to that person on the phone, that's all. The conversation simply confirmed all that my heart already knew.
That was all I needed.
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Teke – thanks for sharing. Yes, I did leave her because she was just not giving me what I needed. Then after several weeks we started seeing each other casually. I got emotionally connected again, then she left me (in the sense that she just cancelled plans we made, sent texts “can’t talk now”. I have now not heard from her in 5 weeks). That was the twist. When I left I was at peace, once she pulled away it was as mentioned I guess a hit to my ego. It left a huge hole, and lot of questions (just weeks before she telling me she missed me etc). The problem is I don’t know the answer so my mind wanders….the fear of the unknown….is she just using, with her mom, meet someone else, just trying to be hurtful. The only option really is to mourn the loss and try not to think about her.
She does have a habit of coming back around. Each time it’s longer and longer and I think she won’t though. Who knows what will happen. Most people, really everyone in my life thinks it’s for the best and that I should be thankful……I’m trying to get to that place. Hearing about others who have struggled, having the obvious pointed out to me (that I seem to miss) helps me keep my course to move on to a better life and not fight to get back something I am not really sure would even lead me to happiness anyway
She does have a habit of coming back around. Each time it’s longer and longer and I think she won’t though. Who knows what will happen. Most people, really everyone in my life thinks it’s for the best and that I should be thankful……I’m trying to get to that place. Hearing about others who have struggled, having the obvious pointed out to me (that I seem to miss) helps me keep my course to move on to a better life and not fight to get back something I am not really sure would even lead me to happiness anyway
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
But by the end of the day I realized it had nothing to do with love or wanting to be with him, or anything mystical like fate or whatever. I GOT CLOSURE when I spoke to that person on the phone, that's all. The conversation simply confirmed all that my heart already knew.
That was all I needed.
That was all I needed.
Like teke said, she is probably not having a good time - It sadens me, all of it. Her sadness, that I probably hurt her by trying to get her to come up to a level she just was not eady to come to, that 4 years of my life are gone and I am left with nothing but an empty heart and heart ache. Not the happy relationship I was looking for and working toward..
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Hey IPT. Maybe some of what I do will help you:
What I've learned is that you will get to where you need to be, when you get there. It's helpful to remember that addix PURPOSELY hook you back in emotionally, according to their own crazy time schedule.
Addix know your deepest desires, dreams, and feelings better than even you do. They manipulate you to get to your feelings, in order to get what they want from you.
Someday soon you will step back and look at this very objectively, without emotion. You will see it for what it is. Try not to fret that it's taking so long; you'll get there, I promise. Just keep breathing. Look toward the future.
Stomp out the guilt, refuse to feel guilt!!! Just keep telling yourself, out loud, "NO GUILT!" And eventually that feeling will go away. It's not your fault and I can guarantee you, you did not hurt her by trying to be in a relationship with her.
Lastly, try to become aware of how you are emotionally hooked to this person. Since she is on a binge right now, this is the best time. WRITE THINGS LIKE THIS DOWN. Keep your thoughts and feelings in a spiral notebook.
Look at all your wants and dreams and desires for your life and write them down.
Look at how good you feel and why, during the times you were happy with her (if ever).
Then, write down how bad you feel and why.
Write down what behaviors she does that make you feel bad.
This will help you to compare the pros and the cons, and see them and the size of each. The bad will outweigh the good.
You'll see the feelings that keep you hooked, and your wants and desires that keep you hooked. Then, you learn how to let go of those feelings and those wants. It's a process. You're doing great!
What I've learned is that you will get to where you need to be, when you get there. It's helpful to remember that addix PURPOSELY hook you back in emotionally, according to their own crazy time schedule.
Addix know your deepest desires, dreams, and feelings better than even you do. They manipulate you to get to your feelings, in order to get what they want from you.
Someday soon you will step back and look at this very objectively, without emotion. You will see it for what it is. Try not to fret that it's taking so long; you'll get there, I promise. Just keep breathing. Look toward the future.
Stomp out the guilt, refuse to feel guilt!!! Just keep telling yourself, out loud, "NO GUILT!" And eventually that feeling will go away. It's not your fault and I can guarantee you, you did not hurt her by trying to be in a relationship with her.
Lastly, try to become aware of how you are emotionally hooked to this person. Since she is on a binge right now, this is the best time. WRITE THINGS LIKE THIS DOWN. Keep your thoughts and feelings in a spiral notebook.
Look at all your wants and dreams and desires for your life and write them down.
Look at how good you feel and why, during the times you were happy with her (if ever).
Then, write down how bad you feel and why.
Write down what behaviors she does that make you feel bad.
This will help you to compare the pros and the cons, and see them and the size of each. The bad will outweigh the good.
You'll see the feelings that keep you hooked, and your wants and desires that keep you hooked. Then, you learn how to let go of those feelings and those wants. It's a process. You're doing great!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by anvilhead
it comes down to acceptance. where judgement is set aside....along with expectations. and it all just IS.....she was never going to BE who YOU wanted her to be, she was always and forever destined to be exactly who she is. exactly where she is. on her own timetable.
as you go thru your daily life, bring awareness to how you SEE other people......do you seem them as they ARE, or as they COULD be? do you accept people in your life AS IS? do you accept YOURSELF AS IS? perfectly good enough in this moment?
as you go thru your daily life, bring awareness to how you SEE other people......do you seem them as they ARE, or as they COULD be? do you accept people in your life AS IS? do you accept YOURSELF AS IS? perfectly good enough in this moment?
I know I need to tone it down, and I certainly can't push it on others around me...but what if they want to improve (or SAY they do?). That is like a dinner bell for me! Another hook.........
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
learn - thanks -I have made some journal entries lately. I also have a pro and con list going. The cons way out number the pros. Sometimes it makes me sad looking at it because I wonder why I did what I did. Then there is that sick part of me that thinks it could all change "if only she would just try".... she's proven time and time again that either she is not ready or incapable of that. That is what I need to ingrain in my mind. Even if she went into rehab tomorrow there are nor gaurentees anyway (except probably that it would a long hard road for both of us) and I STILL would be far away from that happy, healthy, rewarding relationship that I wanted. Just writing those words makes me sad, even though it is probably true.
My strengths sometime work against me. In terms of perseverence, drive, and my trusting nature.
My strengths sometime work against me. In terms of perseverence, drive, and my trusting nature.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
IPT,
We never get the relationship we want if we are in a partnership with a using addict. Even if they choose to become clean, their recovery has to be all about them in order to continue on, untll they have a real grasp on it this is the way it has to be, it is a life changing experience for them.
It would I think be very hard for us a well, because we still would not be the center of their world and in fairness to them to overcome, we would have to be very strong and take back stage, not nagging or pressuring them to fullfill are needs and desires.
It is a long hard road when you are in a relationship with an addict and it doesn't stop like we think it would when they put the drug to rest.
Rose
We never get the relationship we want if we are in a partnership with a using addict. Even if they choose to become clean, their recovery has to be all about them in order to continue on, untll they have a real grasp on it this is the way it has to be, it is a life changing experience for them.
It would I think be very hard for us a well, because we still would not be the center of their world and in fairness to them to overcome, we would have to be very strong and take back stage, not nagging or pressuring them to fullfill are needs and desires.
It is a long hard road when you are in a relationship with an addict and it doesn't stop like we think it would when they put the drug to rest.
Rose
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