HE IS OK? I am not!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
HE IS OK? I am not!!!!
RAH mom passed last week, he made it through it remarkably well, all things considered. He had to be with the druggie people at the funeral, naturally they came-most stayed away from me. Every day he has to go and do something for his sister-in-law=his brother is home, they have a huge family so I don't understand why he is the one (who has a severe bad back) has to do everything. Today they took him to the parole office at 8:30 and he never got home until 2:30, should have taken one hr. Oh, a lot of excuse phone calls but nothing I would buy. He had to go help clean the apt., I went along and we came home for the day I thought. Geeze he had said after the funeral he would be done with them all. So I am cooking a huge dinner and he says he is going to his brothers to swim-duh-he wants to get in that pool-yucky-told him I thought he said he was done with all those people and he said they have a pool and I want to swim. Turned dinner off-got a book and off to the bedroom. He says we have to work together-seems like he is working with "those people". Then they call and off he goes. I would not drive him (truck has no tags). He was mad!!!!! I was mad and told him to have a great time and just to stay if he wanted. He says I need to trust him-well it took 7 years to have the trust destroyed and I doubt if I will ever be able to trust him. He is not on drugs-just doing to same old things with the same old people. I am thinking maybe just do my own thing and not give a tinkers darn what he does. I will not put up with him in and out to eat and have laundry done like before and this is starting to seem like before. He does not understand why I am upset. I am almost upset enough to picture me back in ICU. but certainly can not afford it.
I am just ticked off and needing to vent.
I am just ticked off and needing to vent.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Let it out. It's got to go somewhere.
He seems to have this recovery thing going his way. What's going on with your recovery? His actions are still leaving you feeling disrespected and on the spot while he is doing what he wants to do with whoever he wants to do it.
Let's focus this energy on you, Mom. I'm here listening. Do you have a plan in mind when he makes tracks out of the house?? He says you need to work together. Sounds like he wants you working for the good of the team, but he's not.
Maybe it's time to detach and let him take up some more of the team effort at home. I've read it's a common problem for addicts in recovery to be just as self possessed as they were when they were using in part to protect their recovery but also when they aren't ready to branch out beyond their safety zone of other recovering addicts etc.
Keep posting!
Alice
He seems to have this recovery thing going his way. What's going on with your recovery? His actions are still leaving you feeling disrespected and on the spot while he is doing what he wants to do with whoever he wants to do it.
Let's focus this energy on you, Mom. I'm here listening. Do you have a plan in mind when he makes tracks out of the house?? He says you need to work together. Sounds like he wants you working for the good of the team, but he's not.
Maybe it's time to detach and let him take up some more of the team effort at home. I've read it's a common problem for addicts in recovery to be just as self possessed as they were when they were using in part to protect their recovery but also when they aren't ready to branch out beyond their safety zone of other recovering addicts etc.
Keep posting!
Alice
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sending hugs because you sound like you need some.
Are there any meetings near you? Meetings always had a calming affect on me and helped me stay grounded.
Sober or using, we just can't change anyone else but we can decide what we are willing to accept or not accept in our lives.
Your health matters more than anything, so maybe find some way to bring peace to yourself and detach from all the chaos. Chaos never does us any good.
Hugs
Are there any meetings near you? Meetings always had a calming affect on me and helped me stay grounded.
Sober or using, we just can't change anyone else but we can decide what we are willing to accept or not accept in our lives.
Your health matters more than anything, so maybe find some way to bring peace to yourself and detach from all the chaos. Chaos never does us any good.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Sending (((HUGS))) Momsrainbow. Sorry about your mother-in-law and RAH actions! Praying for peace for you... and hopefully you can get a nice hot calming bubblebath with your book!
Take good care of yourself and keep reading and posting... in time you will decide how to
handle this situation with your best interests in mind.
Take good care of yourself and keep reading and posting... in time you will decide how to
handle this situation with your best interests in mind.
Last edited by rayofsunshine; 08-06-2009 at 06:49 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
Well, he finally got home-was swimming at his brothers and the since I was mad he went to the visit his good old druggie friend (the ones that destroyed my rent house-I mean about destroyed it.) He says I should not be mad at them he was the one who talked me into renting to them. Duh? Says he just wanted to say hi. Oh yes, one of the Big druggie friends was also there. More and more the past keeps raising its ugly head.
We worked around the house today-he got a couple of phone calls-one blocked says it is his brother (NOT). I was at the computer and I could not help buy hear a conversation-you know the kind, yep, nope, sounds good, I can do that. Same old conversations I have heard for yrs. Geeze, he says, I know Ar. is pretty dry (they sure can't be talking about the weather)......Then another call, he says yep, I can do that-GOOD. Says he is going to his brothers move some furniture and swim. All I said was I knew it-you were antsy all day. (Same as all the yrs. before) Then off he went, his nephew, another convicted felon picked his up. Oh yes, and I am an unreasonable person thinking he would not contact the people he grew up with. Heck, must have been one heck of a school because the whole bunch are druggies-who have nothing!!!!!
No, don't think he is doing drugs yet but-------------time will tell. If what I suspect turns to be true, I will not call my friends at the PD, I will not call his parole officer, I will call the nasty man from the DEA who gave me his home phone # when they found his meth lab 2 yrs ago. I WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT HIM. I have all I can do to take care of myself and try to fix 2 houses with no money. He was really working when he first came home but now it is down to cutting the lawns. Heck, I can do that.
I have an appointment with my attorney for other matters and guess I will though this mess at him and see what he has to say. Strange, my attorney was with a lady that did drugs for years and years and he finally gave up, so he understands and is patient with me.
I am getting the feeling that my nice H is pushing my buttons so I WILL THROW HIM OUT so his conciense will be okay. He does have one about some things.
I am going to get busy sorting out years and years of books and collections in one room-I just bet that will get the anger out.
Thanks again for allowing me to vent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We worked around the house today-he got a couple of phone calls-one blocked says it is his brother (NOT). I was at the computer and I could not help buy hear a conversation-you know the kind, yep, nope, sounds good, I can do that. Same old conversations I have heard for yrs. Geeze, he says, I know Ar. is pretty dry (they sure can't be talking about the weather)......Then another call, he says yep, I can do that-GOOD. Says he is going to his brothers move some furniture and swim. All I said was I knew it-you were antsy all day. (Same as all the yrs. before) Then off he went, his nephew, another convicted felon picked his up. Oh yes, and I am an unreasonable person thinking he would not contact the people he grew up with. Heck, must have been one heck of a school because the whole bunch are druggies-who have nothing!!!!!
No, don't think he is doing drugs yet but-------------time will tell. If what I suspect turns to be true, I will not call my friends at the PD, I will not call his parole officer, I will call the nasty man from the DEA who gave me his home phone # when they found his meth lab 2 yrs ago. I WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT HIM. I have all I can do to take care of myself and try to fix 2 houses with no money. He was really working when he first came home but now it is down to cutting the lawns. Heck, I can do that.
I have an appointment with my attorney for other matters and guess I will though this mess at him and see what he has to say. Strange, my attorney was with a lady that did drugs for years and years and he finally gave up, so he understands and is patient with me.
I am getting the feeling that my nice H is pushing my buttons so I WILL THROW HIM OUT so his conciense will be okay. He does have one about some things.
I am going to get busy sorting out years and years of books and collections in one room-I just bet that will get the anger out.
Thanks again for allowing me to vent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Momsrainbow)))
I'm sending you big hugs, too. I agree with your instinct..if he isn't using yet, he seems to be heading in that direction.
Regardless of whether he's using or not, his behavior is unacceptable to you. I think sometimes we forget that we can say "enough...see ya" even if they aren't using. It's not all about dope..it's about behavior, too.
Take dope out of the picture...are you happy with the way things are going right now? With the way he is acting? I certainly wouldn't be. He seems to be acting like he lives in a motel...well I say, let him live in one or anywhere else.
You deserve your peace and serenity back and I don't see you getting it with him.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sending you big hugs, too. I agree with your instinct..if he isn't using yet, he seems to be heading in that direction.
Regardless of whether he's using or not, his behavior is unacceptable to you. I think sometimes we forget that we can say "enough...see ya" even if they aren't using. It's not all about dope..it's about behavior, too.
Take dope out of the picture...are you happy with the way things are going right now? With the way he is acting? I certainly wouldn't be. He seems to be acting like he lives in a motel...well I say, let him live in one or anywhere else.
You deserve your peace and serenity back and I don't see you getting it with him.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
Update-he did make it home from his "swimming at his brothers" A OK. He says he has done nothing wrong-I am overreacting to everything. No drugs yet-that is one thing I will be able to spot in a second. Just having to hear about these "people" gets me.
Then yesterday he brings his moms dog home for a trail visit. Now mind you, I still have the two dogs from two yrs. ago he just had to have plus my dog. His two dogs that ate all the carpeting(I have plywood now) and this home was once beautiful. All huge dogs who simply do not think another dog should be here. They could eat her in one bite. So all day I am worried to death and finally we take her back. He says we could get rid of the 2 dogs and keep the little dog ( I had bought her for his mom 6 yrs ago) I am not about to part with these two monsters that have become angels.
My blood pressure went so high and having pains and really thought about going to ER but just can't have another debt. He said he would just find somewhere else to stay if he upset me so much. Duh? Sounds like a reason for him to leave huh?
I guess I may just have to be greedy, tough it out because I was not able to keep up with the house, repairs and the property turned to a jungle while he was in prison. I had to take care of gram who passed at 105 late last year.
Darn lawyer had to cancel, something came up and I will have to reschedule. I just have to build a paper foxhole!!!!!!!
Guess I will just bide my time and hope things will get done, I certainly cannot afford to hire anyone.
Just starting my day with anothe vent. Hope you understand and thanks!
Then yesterday he brings his moms dog home for a trail visit. Now mind you, I still have the two dogs from two yrs. ago he just had to have plus my dog. His two dogs that ate all the carpeting(I have plywood now) and this home was once beautiful. All huge dogs who simply do not think another dog should be here. They could eat her in one bite. So all day I am worried to death and finally we take her back. He says we could get rid of the 2 dogs and keep the little dog ( I had bought her for his mom 6 yrs ago) I am not about to part with these two monsters that have become angels.
My blood pressure went so high and having pains and really thought about going to ER but just can't have another debt. He said he would just find somewhere else to stay if he upset me so much. Duh? Sounds like a reason for him to leave huh?
I guess I may just have to be greedy, tough it out because I was not able to keep up with the house, repairs and the property turned to a jungle while he was in prison. I had to take care of gram who passed at 105 late last year.
Darn lawyer had to cancel, something came up and I will have to reschedule. I just have to build a paper foxhole!!!!!!!
Guess I will just bide my time and hope things will get done, I certainly cannot afford to hire anyone.
Just starting my day with anothe vent. Hope you understand and thanks!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Momsrainbow)))))
Go ahead and vent away.
I'm sorry but he is not an RAH. He seems to still be dry from what you have reported but .................................. RECOVERY is a lot more than just removing the drugs and/or alcohol from ones body. RECOVERY is working on one's self diligently to turn one's self into a decent civilized human being. Doesn't sound like your H is doing that.
So ............................ what can you do for you? Keep a log, hopefuly you have one from before he stopped and log his actions, or rather his lack of actions. This will help when you and your attorney finally connect.
Stand by your boundaries, many times not saying anything, just giving "The Look" can say much more than engaging in a conversation where you will only hear Quacking.
Keep venting here, it is a great release. I'm not sure where you stand on this, other than you are totally disgusted with his actions. If it were me, I would tell him "there's the door and don't let it hit you in the azz on your way out. You like it so much at your brothers and with your druggie friends, go live with them." But that is just me. After years of working on me in AA and then Al-Anon, I do not toleate disrespect in my own home. Took years to learn that boundry, but it is firmly in place today for me.
I do understand your hurt, disillusionment, and sorrow and just want you to know that although we cannot be there walking by your side in real time, that we (I) are with you in spirit, you are not doing this alone.
Love and hugs,
Go ahead and vent away.
I'm sorry but he is not an RAH. He seems to still be dry from what you have reported but .................................. RECOVERY is a lot more than just removing the drugs and/or alcohol from ones body. RECOVERY is working on one's self diligently to turn one's self into a decent civilized human being. Doesn't sound like your H is doing that.
So ............................ what can you do for you? Keep a log, hopefuly you have one from before he stopped and log his actions, or rather his lack of actions. This will help when you and your attorney finally connect.
Stand by your boundaries, many times not saying anything, just giving "The Look" can say much more than engaging in a conversation where you will only hear Quacking.
Keep venting here, it is a great release. I'm not sure where you stand on this, other than you are totally disgusted with his actions. If it were me, I would tell him "there's the door and don't let it hit you in the azz on your way out. You like it so much at your brothers and with your druggie friends, go live with them." But that is just me. After years of working on me in AA and then Al-Anon, I do not toleate disrespect in my own home. Took years to learn that boundry, but it is firmly in place today for me.
I do understand your hurt, disillusionment, and sorrow and just want you to know that although we cannot be there walking by your side in real time, that we (I) are with you in spirit, you are not doing this alone.
Love and hugs,
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
What are you doing for you today? Sounds to me like some quality Momsrainbow time is long overdue.
A trip to the library to grab some great summer reading? A walk through nature (the dogs would love this too)? Maybe take as picnic lunch and find a pretty park to spend an hour or two? None of this costs anything and might just brighten your day a little.
He's doing what he is doing, but now it's time for you to give up being a reaction to his behaviour and start creating some wonderful new habits for yourself (all said with love in my heart).
I officially proclaim today "Momsrainbow Day" where you get to do whatever makes you smile and breath easily.
Hugs
A trip to the library to grab some great summer reading? A walk through nature (the dogs would love this too)? Maybe take as picnic lunch and find a pretty park to spend an hour or two? None of this costs anything and might just brighten your day a little.
He's doing what he is doing, but now it's time for you to give up being a reaction to his behaviour and start creating some wonderful new habits for yourself (all said with love in my heart).
I officially proclaim today "Momsrainbow Day" where you get to do whatever makes you smile and breath easily.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I'm sending you big hugs, too. I agree with your instinct..if he isn't using yet, he seems to be heading in that direction.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
your title says hes okay.....I'm not.............Momsrainbow i have to say I dont think he's okay
I dont think you are overreacting and have learned the long and hard way..............my gut instinct is rarely wrong , at times it takes awhile for the proof to present itself but that feeling that something is wrong with him, followed by the thoughts that maybe ITS ME>>>>>>>>>>>>have ALWAYS resulted IN ...............NOPE it was him all along and I am NOT CRAZY..........
take care of you,
((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))
I dont think you are overreacting and have learned the long and hard way..............my gut instinct is rarely wrong , at times it takes awhile for the proof to present itself but that feeling that something is wrong with him, followed by the thoughts that maybe ITS ME>>>>>>>>>>>>have ALWAYS resulted IN ...............NOPE it was him all along and I am NOT CRAZY..........
take care of you,
((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((mom'srainbow))))) big hug to you!! I know how you feel!!!
I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now. I know how hard it is to get detached from what "they" do. I hope you can get dome detachment. It is not your job to keep up with him or try to make him do the right things.
I am sorry for your loss of you MIL. I hope she will rest in peace.
I have been in your situation a number of times where some addict was trying to make me think they were being good, all is well, I ain't doing nothing wrong ,while all the while they were doing exactly what they were trying to convince me that were not doing.
I don't believe he is straight and I don't think you believe it either. You see the writing on the wall. I know you want to believe the best we all do. Just don't let it make you blind to what is real.
Things are tight right now for most regular folks as I am sure you know. Do what you need to do for yourself. Be gentle with yourself what he does is not your fault!!!
I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now. I know how hard it is to get detached from what "they" do. I hope you can get dome detachment. It is not your job to keep up with him or try to make him do the right things.
I am sorry for your loss of you MIL. I hope she will rest in peace.
I have been in your situation a number of times where some addict was trying to make me think they were being good, all is well, I ain't doing nothing wrong ,while all the while they were doing exactly what they were trying to convince me that were not doing.
I don't believe he is straight and I don't think you believe it either. You see the writing on the wall. I know you want to believe the best we all do. Just don't let it make you blind to what is real.
Things are tight right now for most regular folks as I am sure you know. Do what you need to do for yourself. Be gentle with yourself what he does is not your fault!!!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry you are going through all of this and i do agree with the others. focus more on you and what you can do to make a better life for yourself.he's gonna do what he's gonna do but its up to you how much he can do to you and your well being. its good that he's clean but is he living a sober life? i pray for you and for him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 17
Go ahead and vent!!
I feel that he may be getting into old habits that he was so comfortable with before. You need no reason to kick him out, it is your house and if you feel that he is using or acting oddly then he needs to not be a worry to you. The constant worry is unfair to you, calm yourself and think of a plan if you find he has been using. He needs to share his life with you and be honest with who he is talking with. Addicts are huge manipulaters don't let him manipulate you.
Take care, and good luck. :praying
I feel that he may be getting into old habits that he was so comfortable with before. You need no reason to kick him out, it is your house and if you feel that he is using or acting oddly then he needs to not be a worry to you. The constant worry is unfair to you, calm yourself and think of a plan if you find he has been using. He needs to share his life with you and be honest with who he is talking with. Addicts are huge manipulaters don't let him manipulate you.
Take care, and good luck. :praying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
I think I have reached my peak with RAH. Enough is just enough. He is still not doing drugs-really not. He is working for his dad and will get paid this week. He is working a his brother's dump to work off the $1000 they gave him to pay taxes. That is all well and good but-NOTHING, I mean NOTHING is getting done at grams, my house or the rent house. We agreed that nothing would be loaned out and low and behold his brothers house wanted the lawnmower, weedeater, trimmer and gas to run them. Well, that was the straw that broke this old ladies back. He blew up and said that if they wanted to borrow they should because they loaned him the money. I said we agree nothing was leaving this house and he said BS. I was already in a bad mood because my daughter still has not finished grams trust and two houses have no insurance and there is nothing I can do about it. I aked him what about the $30,000 I paid for his attorney several years ago-we were not married then-he was sneaking around with the meth ***** and ended up marrying her. He says that is different-he will not live this way and will be telling his parole officer this Thursday he is leaving. Maybe I am being a terrible person but I guess the door will hit him in the a$$. Told him like I was running a halfway house or something. Oh yeah, he can take all but one dog with him.....
Just had to vent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just had to vent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Sounds like you are finding the courage, through whatever course need be -- anger, frustration, indifference -- to put an end to this drama in your life. No need to wait for him to start using. You know how it's going right now, and right now sucks. Keep your chin up and don't look back anymore, Mom's Rainbow. You have enough on your plate to worry about without another "pet" who is hell-bent on destroying the current place and your relationship. He's looking for an "out", not recovering, in my opinion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
Seems like whenever I write on this site, he shows up and things go better for a few days, or rather a few hours. He is still not on drugs, at least not as of noon today. He just has to do his own thing in his won timel. We finally got the plates and ins. for truck yesterday-did not put it back in my name and from there it is downhill. After being stuck in the house for almost 3 yrs. I felt like time to go out, just down the highway would have been nice but nope-he wanted to go to his borthers and off he went. Truck ended up back at the house and no AH. Went to his brothers to tell him the man down the road needed help moving a mini barn and he was not there. They knew where he was I could tell and just would not say a word. Sure he is with someone who he should not be with. Again, he tries to talk to me but----------I just think he is saying what he thinks I want to hear. I am simply too old for this. My blood pressure went through the roof again and really thought about going to ER but did the good ole breathing lessons and down it went. Well, 2 hrs. and he is in violation of his parole. All the weekend plans shot to heck. And here I am stuck again with his dogs that we puppies when he left for prison and more puppies. I just see the past repeating itself without drugs. Now what the heck am I supposed to do. In eight years we have never spent one holiday together-always me alone. Duh, should tell me something-huh? Lock the door? Call the parole officer? Be as immature as I think he is or just keep the tears flowing. What a waste of 8 years and a couple hundred thousand. Yep, whining, screaming and going to find something to throw. Maybe he has found a new home-who knows. No lets not say chocolate, bubble bath, book or anything. I am simply too furious with myself. Grrrrrrr.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Aurora, IL
Posts: 7
sorry you're going through this. that would really stink to spend holidays alone. it sounds like he's not including you in his life much at all other then when it's convienient to him. the drugs may have left, but it seems the one track, self-centered addict mindset still has hold. i agree with the choir on this one, focus on you (if for no other reason then your health!). if he isn't going to take you into consideration in his life, he isn't appreciating that you do that for him. so try to take some time to live the life you would live if he wasn't consuming your energy. the things you would like to do if life was a-okay. if he realizes that he can't just disregard your feelings and expect you to just go on as you have been, maybe it will gain you both in the end. words don't seem to reach him, but actions speak in a voice that's harder to tune out. just like he can tell you over and over again, what he thinks you want to hear, but until his actions back it up, it's just so much air and no real, palatable result for you.
wishing you some peace and calm!
wishing you some peace and calm!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I had a counselor have me make a list of all the reasons I stayed in an abusive marriage. It became fairly clear to me at the end of the exercise, that my reasons were fairly valid, and that I would continue to return until those things were resolved.
For me, it was an economic issue - I was terrified of losing my house that I had purchased while single. But three months after I made that list, I was living alone, and the bills got paid just fine. And I didn't lose the house.
So... why not sit and make a list of all the reasons you are staying with him, and then you can have some clarity about what is going on and why things continue to repeat themselves.
I do wish you the best. (((hugs)))
For me, it was an economic issue - I was terrified of losing my house that I had purchased while single. But three months after I made that list, I was living alone, and the bills got paid just fine. And I didn't lose the house.
So... why not sit and make a list of all the reasons you are staying with him, and then you can have some clarity about what is going on and why things continue to repeat themselves.
I do wish you the best. (((hugs)))
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