He's been arrested and is out on conditions

Old 08-06-2009, 07:46 AM
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He's been arrested and is out on conditions

Hi all,

I am not sure what I want here - just to get it all out I guess. As I said in my last thread, my XABF (actually XACH = Ex-Addict Common-Law Husband) and I still have a lot of contact and are still too "entangled"/not quite always X.

One of our “issues” throughout the relationship is that he (when not telling me how wonderful I am, knows I’m not like that, trusts me totally) has been obsessed with the idea that I cheat on him – with another guy, with myself, or with a girl. With my obsession being his addiction I wouldn’t have the energy to think of such foolishness. He used to hide/sneak around in various ways and try to catch me. Since I kicked him out but still let me visit our children (at my house, so of course he visits me too) he has gotten worse. When he would be at the house I was constantly checking all the doors and windows because he would sneak back in still trying to “catch me”. I could not relax in my home and was getting quite paranoid (with reason). He never did this when I had anyone staying over.

That changed a couple days ago. I awoke around 7AM to find him standing my bed and ranting about hearing me and my SISTER!! in bed together an hour or two earlier – we had been asleep much longer than that. Skipping all the details I got him out the door and he shouldered the deadbolt right out through the frame. Then stayed out in the yard, not knowing we had called the police. He used a screwdriver to break in the non-deadbolted door, btw.

Just as scary as anything else is that he seems to really believe he heard and maybe even saw us together. Opiates (and maybe benzos) wouldn’t do that would it? I kept thinking that if the drugs were out the picture everything else would be fine. How could I have possibly let things drag out this long and get this bad?

In a way I am glad it got this bad so I can finally let go of my dream. I didn’t want to have a broken family and, even if I had to, I still was hoping he could sober up/be normal and be there for our girls – I don’t know how that could ever happen. I don’t want to be a mother who doesn’t allow her kids to see the father that they know and love, but I don’t know how to work around this!

Looking back at this in print, I think I would be at a loss for words if it was posted by someone else looking for advice. I would be dumbfounded. What would anyone get out of that and how could anyone hope it would work out??
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Old 08-06-2009, 08:15 AM
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Opiates (and maybe benzos) wouldn’t do that would it?
Yes they might, but in all likelihood they have just 'INTENSIFIED' his feelings of paranoia.

This is only going to escalate. His recovery or lack of it is his and his alone to handle. You on the other hand, must look out for yourself and your children.

Start a journal/log of all that goes on, his breaking in etc, his drug use, his demeanor, etc at this will come in very handy in Court when you ask for SUPERVISED VISITATION at a neutral place. The court may even order random drug testing on him.

As to you, have you tried counseling with an addiction therapist or Al-Anon? Either or both will go a long way in helping you to decide what you want for you and your girls, will help you set boundaries for you, will literally help you get on with your life.

Please remember the 3 C's

You didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this.

You can't CURE this.

It will be hard, no matter what you decide to do ...................... remember we are here for you, we do care, and although we may not be there in person, we will be walking by your side. You are not alone!

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-06-2009, 08:28 AM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
Yes they might, but in all likelihood they have just 'INTENSIFIED' his feelings of paranoia.

This is only going to escalate. His recovery or lack of it is his and his alone to handle. You on the other hand, must look out for yourself and your children.

Start a journal/log of all that goes on, his breaking in etc, his drug use, his demeanor, etc at this will come in very handy in Court when you ask for SUPERVISED VISITATION at a neutral place. The court may even order random drug testing on him.

As to you, have you tried counseling with an addiction therapist or Al-Anon? Either or both will go a long way in helping you to decide what you want for you and your girls, will help you set boundaries for you, will literally help you get on with your life.

Please remember the 3 C's

You didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this.

You can't CURE this.

It will be hard, no matter what you decide to do ...................... remember we are here for you, we do care, and although we may not be there in person, we will be walking by your side. You are not alone!

Love and hugs,
I see the paranoia and, yes, it intensifies but to actually hallucinating??

Any suggestions as to the "neutral place"? His mother's won't work 'cause she gives in to efforts to control as bad as I ever did. How about a friend's house (one has offered) or would it have to be a public place?

As for me, I have the number of a psychologist that is covered by my work plan. Al-Anon: I have an older thread about that but a friend offered just yesterday to go with me on Monday.

Thank you for your concern and support and I AM ready to get on with my own life!
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Old 08-06-2009, 10:53 AM
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Do you have a restraining order?

Is he contributing to the financial welfare of your children?
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Old 08-06-2009, 12:04 PM
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As of right now, he is not allowed to contact as a condition of his release. And, no, he has never been much of a contributor. His lack of education and drug abuse/reputation in a small town do not lead to many opportunities or motivation. Not excusing him, just the facts.
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Old 08-07-2009, 09:51 AM
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Decisions aren't my strong point!

I have to decide whether to press charges in this case by 5PM and I DON'T know what to do!!! I am so torn. I want a restraining order/peace bond no matter what but I don't want to have to be the one to make that decision regarding the father of my children.

I got carried away writing yesterday and skipped the "detail" of that he also damaged my sister's car and slashed her tires.

So, he'll be charged with mischief, property damage, threats, and whatever else. I would cooperate fully with anything but I don't want it to be my decision. HELP!
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Old 08-07-2009, 09:59 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
make the decision as the MOTHER of your children......
I know it seems plain and simple to you, but not so to me in the middle of it all! He loves them (as much as is possible in this state) and they love him. I find it REALLY hard to consider locking him up for many years and thus making the decision that they'll never see him. Can't write more right now, can't see.
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Old 08-07-2009, 10:21 AM
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People ask me why I didn't leave earlier. They ask why I didn't do this, why didn't I do that, and why did I keep helping him when he obviously needs to deal with his own mess himself.

My answer has been....Because living with an addict is kind of like driving through Texas using an Oklahoma map. You can't match things up. The map tells you one thing, the road tells you another. When you ask for help, people give you directions but still nothing makes sense when you try to follow them.

This is where faith comes in Backtome. If he had destroyed someone else's property, you would not expect them to avoid pressing charges because the man is a father. He didn't commit the crime in protection of his children or to feed or clothe them. He did this crime out of selfish reasons...for drugs...for spite...nothing so noble as his children. And what lesson are you teaching your children when someone can commit a crime and suffer no consequence because someone out there loves them. Even serial killers have mothers who love them.

I'm off point here....my point is that you're right, is it easy to give someone directions when you have the right map, areal photographs, and a lifelong knowledge of the area. The one who's driving through Texas with a map of Oklahoma has to put down what they think they know and trust that what someone who's been there and done that is telling you is the way to get out of this desolation. Have faith.

There is also no guarantee that he will get anything but a smack on the hand for the charges for whatever reason. Don't assume he'll end up incarcerated, that's not for you or us to decide. He should, however, be accountable for his actions as anyone would be.

Written because I care!

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Old 08-07-2009, 11:23 AM
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BackToMe, Please let a judge decide what is the best thing to happen to this person. That is why we have a judicial system. What he did to you is WRONG and what happens to him as a result is not your responsibility. You can't help him, and you can't control him but he has broken the law by what you say, you need to protect yourself from him, and he needs to be taught that it is not allowed. When people act in ways that are bad for society, and harmful to others, society needs to tell them that they are wrong and to try to convince him not to behave that way anymore.

This is a very dangerous situation for you, your sister and your children. Take the appropriate steps to protect yourselves. I personally wouldn't let him near my children (if I had any).

Just as scary as anything else is that he seems to really believe he heard and maybe even saw us together. Opiates (and maybe benzos) wouldn’t do that would it?
YES, what he is taking (which is probably not limited to just one thing) will make them hallucinate and filled with paranoia, and do crazy things. My brother was doing mostly cocaine but some other stuff, whatever he could get. For years, he would become intermittently obsessed about the telephones and how all the phones in the house were tapped. He tore apart EVERY phone in the house! He thought there were magic eyes in the T.V., watching him and his girlfriend. He would become hysterical over the fact that he thought his girlfriend was running an internet porn site and that the government was tracking his every move. He would get crazy talking about how the devil was coming into the house through the ceiling light. He said there was an electrical current from demons that would come through the house.

These people are dangerous.

Please get help.
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Old 08-07-2009, 12:02 PM
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Thanks everyone for taking the time to offer advice and support. I have to leave soon and I will consider everyone's input. I know that he needs to know that he can't keep doing this and my concern is probably partly a control thing - once I do the video (THAT is probably part of the nerve thing too, I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable speaking on camera) my control of the situation is gone. I want control over his sentence and control over the foolishness he might testify about; I know I don't have either.

With my children I am scared that they'll grow up thinking Mommy put Daddy in jail, or Daddy doesn't love me because he never comes around and that maybe a couple hours a week supervised visitation would be better than that.

All my worry will be for nothing if he takes off across the country which he has threatened in the past.
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Old 08-07-2009, 07:50 PM
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Survived

Hi,
Just popping in to say I did it & survived. I think I knew I would go through with it anyway - I just needed to talk it out to reassure myself that it was the right thing & to calm down a bit before going.
I was so bad, the camera was built into the wall rather than staring me in the face and the police men are actually very nice guys.
Thanks to everyone,
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