my best friend my boyfriend and the addict
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
He's using.
Addict red flags all over the place.
He will be less and less available to you and you will become more and more confused.
I'm so glad you have the support of everyone here, otherwise you will believe him when he carefully and cunningly begins to break down your self-worth. Re-read your post of August 18. He is already setting you up as an elitist. He is already elevating himself because he's not like your crowd of "preppies." This is the way addiction works: the addict finds the most innocent and natural aspect of your lifestyle or personality or career or appearance and TWISTS it so that it is a DISAPPOINTMENT. But he does it so expertly that you think he is actually being reasonable. And you actually begin to apologize or explain the lifestyle or career or appearance so he won't hold it against you.
Also re-read the post of August 18 to remind yourself of the rollercoaster. Everything was "going smoothly" and you had "no complaints."
And now you are pissed, hurt, confused, and feeling bad about yourself.
This is how we become very sick over time in a relationship with an addict.
Be careful.
Bluejay
Addict red flags all over the place.
He will be less and less available to you and you will become more and more confused.
I'm so glad you have the support of everyone here, otherwise you will believe him when he carefully and cunningly begins to break down your self-worth. Re-read your post of August 18. He is already setting you up as an elitist. He is already elevating himself because he's not like your crowd of "preppies." This is the way addiction works: the addict finds the most innocent and natural aspect of your lifestyle or personality or career or appearance and TWISTS it so that it is a DISAPPOINTMENT. But he does it so expertly that you think he is actually being reasonable. And you actually begin to apologize or explain the lifestyle or career or appearance so he won't hold it against you.
Also re-read the post of August 18 to remind yourself of the rollercoaster. Everything was "going smoothly" and you had "no complaints."
And now you are pissed, hurt, confused, and feeling bad about yourself.
This is how we become very sick over time in a relationship with an addict.
Be careful.
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Summer,
I want to say sorry your feeling so hurt and upset by him and his actions or lack of contact................yes when i read your posts my thoughts are......hes using plain and simple
however one thing that comes to mind MORE than the fact that he more than likely is using is that.................You dont have to leave him or stop contact but it would be really good for you to begin looking at yourself and what it is about you that keeps you in this relationship...................I'm not trying to make you feel bad about yourself.......because honestly I know how it feels to want someone even when all logics says leave...........
but the reason i know that feeling is because I am codependant and i have issues that came up long before this relationship and unless or until i make changes in MYSELF even if I left my AH I would end up picking another person like him or worse than him..........we must be emotionally healthy ourselves if we expect to be in a healthy relationship, and when we come to the place where we hang on for dear life to a relationship thats clearly unhealthy then it all comes back to US...........and the time comes where we have to look at and work on loving ourself ............not settling for less than we deserve
best wishes
I would really recommend that you read codependant no more........by melody beattie
I want to say sorry your feeling so hurt and upset by him and his actions or lack of contact................yes when i read your posts my thoughts are......hes using plain and simple
however one thing that comes to mind MORE than the fact that he more than likely is using is that.................You dont have to leave him or stop contact but it would be really good for you to begin looking at yourself and what it is about you that keeps you in this relationship...................I'm not trying to make you feel bad about yourself.......because honestly I know how it feels to want someone even when all logics says leave...........
but the reason i know that feeling is because I am codependant and i have issues that came up long before this relationship and unless or until i make changes in MYSELF even if I left my AH I would end up picking another person like him or worse than him..........we must be emotionally healthy ourselves if we expect to be in a healthy relationship, and when we come to the place where we hang on for dear life to a relationship thats clearly unhealthy then it all comes back to US...........and the time comes where we have to look at and work on loving ourself ............not settling for less than we deserve
best wishes
I would really recommend that you read codependant no more........by melody beattie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
I agree summer. Unfortuantly when I was in the relationship all I could see was her when I read that book. I found it hard to see myself because the actions of her and her family were so much more obviously co-dependant. I have benifited enomously from "getting past your breakup" by Susan Elliott. It helps you explore why you were in a relationship that was maybe not so great for you (a friend of mine just read it and hasn't been in a relationship in years and she LOVED it. Felt like she got a ton from it). Once I was clear minded and not wrapped up in the drama, chaos, fight, and emotional confusion of my relationship I was much better at being able to see my roles, issues, and what I needed to be aware of.
I sent you a PM summer.... we all care about you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by summer017 
IPT
1) Everything has been going smoothly, I honestly have no complaints right now. What about #4?
2) But I see how he would not be too willing to open up to me if he had felt this way. This "opening up" thing is text book co-dependency.
It all goes back to his low self esteem and confidence. Sounds like you are rationalizing his addiction.
3) my boyfriend has been through the ringer with his family, although he is a very hard worker, helps out to the extreme financially to support his mother and keeps very little for himself.
More rationalization. How do you know where his money goes? Oxy's cost $, oftentimes serious money.Follow the money.
4) I am having one problem - 98% of the time my bf is a new person. Not showing the characteristics of someone using. But once in a while I do see that he is messed up. His drug of choice of oxys.
1) Everything has been going smoothly, I honestly have no complaints right now. What about #4?
2) But I see how he would not be too willing to open up to me if he had felt this way. This "opening up" thing is text book co-dependency.
It all goes back to his low self esteem and confidence. Sounds like you are rationalizing his addiction.
3) my boyfriend has been through the ringer with his family, although he is a very hard worker, helps out to the extreme financially to support his mother and keeps very little for himself.
More rationalization. How do you know where his money goes? Oxy's cost $, oftentimes serious money.Follow the money.
4) I am having one problem - 98% of the time my bf is a new person. Not showing the characteristics of someone using. But once in a while I do see that he is messed up. His drug of choice of oxys.
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