what a crummy process...need some reassurance, reminders
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what a crummy process...need some reassurance, reminders
So as I try and cope and move in from my xagf’s lack of communication and the demise of our relationship I find myself all over the map. One day I feel good, accept that she is in a different place, not happy with herself, did not really put forth appropriate efforts to build a relationship and that I deserve better. A little while later I have a pit in my stomach wonder if I hadn’t been so critical of her failures as she tried to change that she’d still be here. That maybe I drove her away by expecting too much of her. I almost convince myself that I could accept what we had and I should not have rocked the boat.
The truth is I was not happy and my needs were not being met except in small bursts and on occasion .I want that fix, I want that chance to make it work. I question if I am doing the right thing keeping distance, then I want to lash out at her for being so thoughtless about my needs and feelings, for wasting years of my life by hanging a carrot in front of me. The carrot being her saying “I want to be healthy and have a normal life, love you and feel secure.” Then taking action to make it happen would start and slowly fizzle. Even when she was there I questioned if it was what I wanted... I built a lot of hope, made huge sacrifices, and tried the best I knew how to get to that dream. I have lost track of reality, what it really was, where it was really going. In my pain somehow I feel like I lost something, but did I? Am I better off now? It sure doesn’t feel like it. Why can’t I remember the bad times? I have them written down, many times of being stood up and her not following thru on promises and as I read them they don’t impact me, I don’t feel that pit go away….
The truth is I was not happy and my needs were not being met except in small bursts and on occasion .I want that fix, I want that chance to make it work. I question if I am doing the right thing keeping distance, then I want to lash out at her for being so thoughtless about my needs and feelings, for wasting years of my life by hanging a carrot in front of me. The carrot being her saying “I want to be healthy and have a normal life, love you and feel secure.” Then taking action to make it happen would start and slowly fizzle. Even when she was there I questioned if it was what I wanted... I built a lot of hope, made huge sacrifices, and tried the best I knew how to get to that dream. I have lost track of reality, what it really was, where it was really going. In my pain somehow I feel like I lost something, but did I? Am I better off now? It sure doesn’t feel like it. Why can’t I remember the bad times? I have them written down, many times of being stood up and her not following thru on promises and as I read them they don’t impact me, I don’t feel that pit go away….
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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The truth is I was not happy and my needs were not being met except in small bursts and on occasion
Try this exercise...
What do YOU want in a relationship, a partner? You KNOW that you aren't going to get those things from her - so block her out of your mind when you make this list. OKAY?
It's not about what / who she is not ... but what / who YOU ARE!
Check out the stages of grief....... you are going to be in them for awhile now.
What STAGE of grief do you feel that you are in right now?
And it's okay for you to be feeling all these feelings. It's okay for you to love yourself and want more for yourself than what you were getting.
When you meet another woman.... and you share your last relationship experience.... how much MORE of this story do you want to keep going - that you have to share? Not have to... but in the event that you do....
Thinking of you xoxoxo
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IPT, I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, because I most certainly am! I have been where you are and I feel your pain.
I just want you to recognize that it's your ego (or personality) talking here, not your essence which is WHOLE and TRUE.
I went to church on Sunday for the first time in years. God really wanted me there to hear the lesson and what a beauty it was! And you are a perfect example of what he was talking about.
Picture life as a deep and swiftly moving river. Along the muddy banks are big shady trees with gnarly roots clinging to the mud. The center of the river is where the current is swift and sometimes scary, but that's where the fullness of life is experienced (spirit). We (our egos) tend to hang on to the roots of those trees along the bank....fighting against the current and getting scratched and banged up in the process thinking that we know what is best. It's a safer place because we at least know this place -- we've been in that same spot for quite some time....it's become almost comfortable to just "hang on" even though we are growing tired of constantly fighting the current. We see others who are floating happily down the river...heads bobbing up and down...but enjoying the ride even though they have no idea what lies ahead. But they've let go of their fear .... just let it go... and let the current take them into the flow of life where its richness can really be experienced.
It's all good, IPT. Remember...it's all good.
I just want you to recognize that it's your ego (or personality) talking here, not your essence which is WHOLE and TRUE.
I went to church on Sunday for the first time in years. God really wanted me there to hear the lesson and what a beauty it was! And you are a perfect example of what he was talking about.
Picture life as a deep and swiftly moving river. Along the muddy banks are big shady trees with gnarly roots clinging to the mud. The center of the river is where the current is swift and sometimes scary, but that's where the fullness of life is experienced (spirit). We (our egos) tend to hang on to the roots of those trees along the bank....fighting against the current and getting scratched and banged up in the process thinking that we know what is best. It's a safer place because we at least know this place -- we've been in that same spot for quite some time....it's become almost comfortable to just "hang on" even though we are growing tired of constantly fighting the current. We see others who are floating happily down the river...heads bobbing up and down...but enjoying the ride even though they have no idea what lies ahead. But they've let go of their fear .... just let it go... and let the current take them into the flow of life where its richness can really be experienced.
It's all good, IPT. Remember...it's all good.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by IPT 
Why can’t I remember the bad times? I have them written down, many times of being stood up and her not following thru on promises and as I read them they don’t impact me, I don’t feel that pit go away….
I've been thinking about what I quoted above and know the question has been asked before. I've written some things about what has happened with my H's addiction and, at least for me today, I don't think it's that we don't remember those times, it is that we don't feel them. I tuck the memories back into some corner of my mind so I don't have to think about them. Then the feelings become memories too.
Sometimes, I'll read a new post that takes me right back there and I feel that pit in my stomach. Other times I'll have a flash back - but most of the time - it's almost like it didn't happen, which is a dangerous place to be. I don't ever want to become complacent and go back there.
Remind yourself as often as you have to that she did not meet your needs and that you won't settle for less. Think about the what was and not the what ifs.
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Thanks everyone.
Abd - I am going do some writing tonight
.
AH - blunt and to the point, but dead on. Thanks
TJP - ego, 100% and I know it. My unconscious is viciously defending my self-worth and unfortunately it is tied up with if this girl gives me attention or not. I am not sure how it got there, but it is. Strange that I can be so well off in many way yet tethered to her like this. People around me are amazed I am struggling with this. They see her for what she really was and see what I am and have and just don’t get. Goes to show you that no matter how someone acts, or appears to be you never really know what's going on inside of them (well you all do because I am quite expressive here!). Like the lesson in the sermon. I used to preach a similar story from the foreword of a book called "Illusions" by Richard Bach. Looks like I am better and giving advice than putting it into action.....on many levels...I always told my ex, "just distance yourself from your family and the drugs. You've told me how unhappy they make you." Here I am struggling to make that very move with regards to her.
Itis - I do need to remind myself often of what it was in reality. The truth is that when I do that it hurts! I fooled myself for a long time and it just hurts to accept that. I was taken advantage of right in front of my very eyes. I let it happen because of the lies she told me, the lies I apparently told myself, the chasing of the proverbial carrot. In so many ways I feel like a fool. I can only imagine what the people who knew the truth were thinking as they watched her manipulate me. .
Abd - I am going do some writing tonight
.AH - blunt and to the point, but dead on. Thanks
TJP - ego, 100% and I know it. My unconscious is viciously defending my self-worth and unfortunately it is tied up with if this girl gives me attention or not. I am not sure how it got there, but it is. Strange that I can be so well off in many way yet tethered to her like this. People around me are amazed I am struggling with this. They see her for what she really was and see what I am and have and just don’t get. Goes to show you that no matter how someone acts, or appears to be you never really know what's going on inside of them (well you all do because I am quite expressive here!). Like the lesson in the sermon. I used to preach a similar story from the foreword of a book called "Illusions" by Richard Bach. Looks like I am better and giving advice than putting it into action.....on many levels...I always told my ex, "just distance yourself from your family and the drugs. You've told me how unhappy they make you." Here I am struggling to make that very move with regards to her.
Itis - I do need to remind myself often of what it was in reality. The truth is that when I do that it hurts! I fooled myself for a long time and it just hurts to accept that. I was taken advantage of right in front of my very eyes. I let it happen because of the lies she told me, the lies I apparently told myself, the chasing of the proverbial carrot. In so many ways I feel like a fool. I can only imagine what the people who knew the truth were thinking as they watched her manipulate me. .
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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All good stuff IPT....
Tonight my exercise is to to follow through with explaining - giving examples of what my "inner critic tells me - both negatively and positively. I've been putting it off because it fluctuates from time to time.
But right now... put together that list of what you DO want in a relationship. Go wild and crazy... don't hold back... there are no restraints!
Keep on processing..... keep looking at you!!!!
I'm right there with ya buddy! I have all the answers for everyone else.... but you know what... I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of having the answers for everyone else and not implementing them into *my* life!
Peace and Love xoxo
Check out my blog....... putting pictures to the poem was totally therapeutic!
Tonight my exercise is to to follow through with explaining - giving examples of what my "inner critic tells me - both negatively and positively. I've been putting it off because it fluctuates from time to time.
But right now... put together that list of what you DO want in a relationship. Go wild and crazy... don't hold back... there are no restraints!
Keep on processing..... keep looking at you!!!!
I'm right there with ya buddy! I have all the answers for everyone else.... but you know what... I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of having the answers for everyone else and not implementing them into *my* life!
Peace and Love xoxo
Check out my blog....... putting pictures to the poem was totally therapeutic!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
you are so right, it is a crummy process, been there done that so many times too. i know how you feel. i know you loves her but it also sounds like you are beating yourself up a bit much for not knowing ahead of time. i hate to tell you but i don't think no one is immuned to the effect of loving an addict.
man, i thought i had to have been the dumbest smart person i knew for falling for my addict and i just knew i was the talk of the town for sticking around for 21yrs. my counselor told me once that i had to forgive myself. he reminded me that it was ok to make mistakes.her actions are not a reflection of you, you are a loving person.
i found out that maybe i was either addicted to my addict or the dream i had created with my addict, then i ask myself if it was true love or was it my addiction or my ego. either way, i decided to do whatever i had to do to change my thoughts about him as soon as i realized i was thinking about him. the more i did this, the less i thought about him and the better i began to feel. whenever i allow myself to think about him, the pain would return just as deep.
i don't know if this makes any sense but i do know it worked for me. i think you are doing better than you may think and it does get better. just keep going.
man, i thought i had to have been the dumbest smart person i knew for falling for my addict and i just knew i was the talk of the town for sticking around for 21yrs. my counselor told me once that i had to forgive myself. he reminded me that it was ok to make mistakes.her actions are not a reflection of you, you are a loving person.
i found out that maybe i was either addicted to my addict or the dream i had created with my addict, then i ask myself if it was true love or was it my addiction or my ego. either way, i decided to do whatever i had to do to change my thoughts about him as soon as i realized i was thinking about him. the more i did this, the less i thought about him and the better i began to feel. whenever i allow myself to think about him, the pain would return just as deep.
i don't know if this makes any sense but i do know it worked for me. i think you are doing better than you may think and it does get better. just keep going.
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Originally Posted by teke
i found out that maybe i was either addicted to my addict or the dream i had created with my addict, then i ask myself if it was true love or was it my addiction or my ego.
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ugh...still plugging along with sadness as my companion. Coming to terms with the fact that my esteem may not be as stable as I had myself (and apparently everyone around me) convinced of.
I feel like she deliberatly pulled me back in after Easter so she could be the one to pull away. There was no game for me at Easter or conscious choice to be in the power seat. I had just tried and tried to give her chances to prove herself, put actions behind her words. I just reached my limit of her not respecting my boudaries and withdrew myself that fateful night when she never called or came back like she said she would.
It was easier then, I was in control. It was my decision. Now it is not my choice and that feeling of powerlessness is killing me....even if it is for the best for me in the end. She is probably doing me a favor in some ways but I don't get it. It just sucks.
Sorry for going on and on. I am just hurting and find others wisdom from their experiences helpful in helping me see the light.
PS: I found a book I like by Susan Elliot - getting past your breakup. She also has a website GPYP that is full of great information that many here would probably find helpful..
I feel like she deliberatly pulled me back in after Easter so she could be the one to pull away. There was no game for me at Easter or conscious choice to be in the power seat. I had just tried and tried to give her chances to prove herself, put actions behind her words. I just reached my limit of her not respecting my boudaries and withdrew myself that fateful night when she never called or came back like she said she would.
It was easier then, I was in control. It was my decision. Now it is not my choice and that feeling of powerlessness is killing me....even if it is for the best for me in the end. She is probably doing me a favor in some ways but I don't get it. It just sucks.
Sorry for going on and on. I am just hurting and find others wisdom from their experiences helpful in helping me see the light.
PS: I found a book I like by Susan Elliot - getting past your breakup. She also has a website GPYP that is full of great information that many here would probably find helpful..
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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IPT I stayed in this very same state for a long time. When I slowly started to uncover the reasons I was going back and forth between those feelings I realized that I had to stop blaming myself.
I asked my RABF to leave when he was abusing oxy's. That was almost a year ago now. But for a long time I really thought the same exact thoughts that you said you were thinking. Then slowly I began to look at it a different way.
It didnt help to say oh it was for me, my kids, my peace of mind, breaking the law etc...Because in my mind I would find an excuse to justify why that wasnt so bad. Then I started to think that "ok so this wasnt my fault, I asked him to leave, I am ok with that, but if I hadnt where would we be today?" Maybe I would have continued to enable him into the grave, jail, or worse yet lost my kids.
I dont know I guess my point is that when I had that AHA moment that flip in thinking that kind of forgave myself for something that was so painful for me to do things began to change in my thoughts. I no longer looked at the situation with a shudder or asking myself if I had done the right thing.
Just know that you arent alone with where you are and like I said it does pass in time. Time takes time though and sometimes that is the hardest thing to accept about any situation.....
I asked my RABF to leave when he was abusing oxy's. That was almost a year ago now. But for a long time I really thought the same exact thoughts that you said you were thinking. Then slowly I began to look at it a different way.
It didnt help to say oh it was for me, my kids, my peace of mind, breaking the law etc...Because in my mind I would find an excuse to justify why that wasnt so bad. Then I started to think that "ok so this wasnt my fault, I asked him to leave, I am ok with that, but if I hadnt where would we be today?" Maybe I would have continued to enable him into the grave, jail, or worse yet lost my kids.
I dont know I guess my point is that when I had that AHA moment that flip in thinking that kind of forgave myself for something that was so painful for me to do things began to change in my thoughts. I no longer looked at the situation with a shudder or asking myself if I had done the right thing.
Just know that you arent alone with where you are and like I said it does pass in time. Time takes time though and sometimes that is the hardest thing to accept about any situation.....
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