Worried4myfam

Hi all. I'm new here and need help. I have spoken to a counselor and an interventionist briefly and they have given me helpful, broad advice. But my head is so clouded and flustered, I need some specific advice on what to do TODAY to handle my situation.

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for three years and we have a 2 year old daughter. Although the behavior and signs have been there for months, I've just realized that my husband has a problem.
Until now I have not been ready to face it.

After I shared our struggles with my family, they helped me piece the evidence together and to get over my own denial. Now I know without a shadow of doubt that my husband is using and has an addiction. I have no idea what drug it is, but it is causing him to begin down a path of destruction.

So far, he has managed to maintain his job and his responsible image with everyone but me and has not gone into the deep end (YET). Since he was such an amazing, responsible person prior to this, he is holding on to that to cover up what he is doing. He denies using drugs. He simply says, "I'm going thru a phase, I'm confused about what I want, I need to find myself, etc." but also admits that he has not been completely honest with me in the past few months.

Last week I asked him to leave the house because having him around was too difficult for me...I was such an emotional wreck, I could not function as a good mother. So he has been staying with his mom temporarily. And in that time he has gone out even more and appears to be using more frequently.

I want to approach the issue NOW to avoid letting him take this too far. I've done research and spoken to experts...all of whom say the same thing..."Don't enable him...make it as difficult as possible for him...etc."
But I am scared to death that I will push him further away.

We are scheduled to see a marriage counselor on Thursday who has agreed to address this issue rather than discussing our marital problems.

So my question: What do I do TODAY to begin to be proactive? We are supposed to talk tonight and I don't know what or how much to say. Do I sit his family down and tell them what I've discovered? Do I tell him he can't see our daughter (even though in his mind he is still a responsible father)? Do I tell him he is not welcome in our house at all? WHAT DO I DO? Since he hasn't screwed our life up (terribly) yet, I find myself feeling guilt for cutting him off. Is that the only option? Any advice is greatly appreciated. What would you do if you were me?

Thank you!

totfit

First of all you haven't mentioned any behaviors that have lead you to believe he is using. You have stated that you have not evidence. You have asked him to leave the house because you are an emotional wreck. Does he have a problem or do you? Either there isn't evidence or you aren't saying what it is. I think you should leave his family out of it and deal with him. What have you discovered to tell them anyway?

Callie

First off, take a deep breath and spend some time here and on the substance abuse board. Read the stickies, get educated. Once you have that education then you can make some decisions. You're on the right track so far, but addicts are such cunning, liars and manipulators, that they can have the wool pulled over your eyes VERY quickly. (don't mean to scare you! ). You've come to the right place, tons of useful info, tons of helpful advice and people. Take a deep breath and hang on for the ride. There is not much you can do today except become educated and base your decisions off of that.

One thing though - addiction is ALWAYS progressive. It will ALWAYS get worse until the addict decides to get help. A good book is codependent NO MORE by Melodie Beattie - your library should have it. Hugs to you and I'm sorry you're here. Take a deep breath, read, figure out a game plan. Until then don't jump the gun - if he's an addict he'll just lie and convince you and pacify you that things are fine. Read, Read and read.

outtolunch

I am not doubting your "gut" as it relates to his drug use. I do not however, understand how you know for certain and yet have no idea what drug he is using.

Is he withdrawing money with no explanation? Is he disappearing for substantial periods of time? Is he lying about his whereabouts? Does he return home and crash? Is it the company he keeps? Is he not showing for work? Is he losing weight? Have you seen drug paraphernalia?

What do you mean by letting him take it too far? The drug use or the impact of his usage on you and your daughter?

ItsmeAlice

I do not have experience with what you are going through, I dealt with an alcoholic boyfriend of 10+ years so I will only speak to what I can relate to, which is when I came out of my denial of his addiction. I hope it helps all the same.

I understand the feeling of panic and anxiety when you truly grasp what is going on with someone you love who has an addiction. You want to stop the boulder rolling down hill any way you can, or redirect it, or crush it, or....something, anything. You feel this sense of urgency to notify those around you of the problem and take charge of the situation to make it manageable. Of course, here's the rub, and you knew it was coming...you cannot stop that boulder. It is going to roll its course straight on down the mountainside. Your life has become unmanageable due to the drugs.

What you do have a choice in and what you do have control over is the well being of you and your baby. The two of you are standing about midway down that mountainside directly in the path of that boulder. You see it coming. You have notified those around you of it (namely your family). You've spoken to experts who have reassured and directed you well. The tough part is upon you now. You have to accept that this boulder, this disease, this addiction of his, IS going to flatten you and your baby in its path if you do not move out of the way.

You can step far away and off the mountain completely, which I don't suspect you want to do as you would feel you have abandoned him, or you can step just far enough to the side to allow that boulder to take its natural course. The disease of addiction is progressive (sometimes it takes years sometimes only months) until it hits the bottom that being the point when the addict themselves feel compelled to stop.

It would be so simple if it really were just a big rock barreling down on you, but it's not, I know that. You are churned up with emotions....love, pity, fear, anger, confusion.... all of these make it difficult to accept you are powerless over the drugs and give up trying to do something for him and instead do something for you.

When I say do something for you, I mean seek the counseling if you think it will help you. If he is at all receptive (not just saying what you want to hear but truly receptive) he may gain from the counseling as well and that would be wonderful. Leave that expectation aside because it is less likely than his skating through the sessions putting blame or guilt anywhere but on himself leaving you feeling worse for the experience.

I also mean continue to separate yourself physically if you can. The closer he is to you, the more affect his using will have on you and your daughter. With contact, he can manipulate your feelings, bend the truth, have access to the comfort zone that has helped his addiction along. Enabling isn't just about giving someone money to buy drugs or looking the other way while they buy drugs, it's about making everything around them run smoothly as they slip away into addiction. Reminding them of bills or other obligations and eventually taking them on because they get put aside. Avoiding leaving the baby because it causes issues...etc.

Take away the comfort zone and you will see what the drugs can do to survive. Only your husband can make the decision to come clean and admit to his using and then seek help. Interventions can be useful but they are not the norm as I have learned. Even when they do work to get someone to treatment, only that person can get the work done and seek recovery.

I guess what I've meandered to the point in saying, is stick with your supportive family. Include his family only when they are receptive and not protective of him. They could easily be in denial of his use. Do what is comfortable for you in the next 1/2 hour, hour, day, and so on. One step at a time. The big picture is well beyond all of us. We can only work on ourselves in the moment.

Confronting him with the issue is unnecessary. Instead try stepping back and detaching your focus from him to you. He knows he is using. There is no point in putting a hat on it and inviting it for dinner. Let it be his problem. As soon as I stopped talking to my ex about his alcohol problem, he started seeing it as one. Weird how that reverse logic worked, but it did.
You can let the therapist bring up the issue leaving you out of the hot seat on that one.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but the bright side is, you know what you are dealing with now, you have support in your family, you have people to consult, you have found us here. You can get through this as so many others have.

My best to you!

Alice

itisatruth

First, glad you found SR. Callie mentioned some good things you could start with. As for specific advice...the best I can think of after reading your post is for you to decide what is and isn't acceptable to you in your home and in your life, and then decide what you are willing to do about it. This is making boundaries.

For example, if you do not want him around your daughter when using, tell him, be clear about what you will do about it if he does it, then be ready to follow through with it. It might look like this: You tell him that if he uses or is under the influence when around your daughter, he will no longer be able to see her or maybe you will call the police. Then follow through. I know I wouldn't want my child around an active addict either.

I'm not telling you what your boundaries should be, only giving examples....they are yours so only you can choose what to do. BUT, remember, if you don't follow through with them they are virtually useless.

This part worried me because I don't want you to take responsibility for his drug use. Know that, no matter what, his drug use is his alone. You may have problems in your marriage - or he may have his own problems - but that does not give him an excuse to use. Learn about addiction but don't let it or him become your main focus....always take care of yourself and your daughter first and foremost.

teke

hi, glad you found us but hate you had to. like the others said, there is not much you can do other than take care of yourself and your child. you say you know for sure he's using something buy he denies it, well that is so common for an addict.

i understand your wanting to approach this now so that he won't take this too far but if he IS using and is not ready to commit to a plan of recovery, his addiction will get progressively worse regardless of what you want. he has to want it for himself.

i'm not doubting your gut feeling so i suggest that maybe you thinkabout how you can protect you, your daughter, finances and anything of value.

i was freaked out when i first found out my ah was using but i didn't reach out like you are doing and though my ah was very responsible at first, didn't take long before he drained the bank account and started pawning things. he drugged up most of all we had. not trying to scare you but just want you to be aware. living with an addict is very hard and painful but you can get better even if he don't decide to do the same right now.

i think you are heading in the right direction, with all you are doing. keep reading and sharing and maybe look for al-non meetings in your area, they are very helpful..there is a lot of good info at the top of the page,too. hope this make some kind of since and i will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Worried4myfam

Totfit: My apologies...I was so flustered yesterday that I left the details out.
To fill in those details: 6 months ago we started going out dancing with two of his female cousins (who do use drugs), just to drink and have a good time. But progressively he began wanting to go out more and more (more than I wanted to). In the beginning I saw no problem with him going out while I stayed at home. After all, we had 100% trust in our relationship. But what started as once a week soon turned into 2 and 3 times per week. There have been many nights when I have begged, pleaded and cried for him to stay home with our daughter and I and he would just look at me with a cold blank stare (no remorse at all) and walk out the door without explanation. There have many nights he has left and promised to be home by 1 or 2 and has not shown up until 9 or 10 the next morning without a phone call or text msg. When he returns he simply says "I drank too much". This is a man who has always been a fish when it comes to alcohol. He can drink A LOT, go to bed at 3 and pop up the next morning at 7 with no hangover. So that excuse does not fly based on his past. He has lost regard for everything that was ever important to him. He doesn't help around the house, take care of household duties, misses days of work to "recover", his eyes are cold and without emotion. 6 weeks ago he got a dui of .16 and totalled my car in a ditch at 5am. I thought it would shake him, but the very next week he was at it again. The hands-on father that he used to be is no longer here. The loving, compassionate husband he once was seems to be gone. His actions are so drastically different from his character, morals and values, there has to be something that has gotten ahold of him. I know I am still leaving things out, but hopefully this gives better insight into what I am dealing with here.

Chino

It could be addiction and/or it could just be another woman. He's out partying and staying with whomever. I've seen otherwise good men and women suddenly do a 180 because of an affair. Regardless, his behavior is unacceptable to you. Are your boundaries clear in your own mind?

IPT

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am struggling my own battle and that is just over a g/f. What amazes me is how things look when you look from the outside in verse the inside out. I know that if I my friend were in my shoes I'd be telling him many times that it was time to move on, let go. That I deserve better and shouldn't put up with that behavior (in fact every one of my friends have said that in one way or another). Still, here I am on the inside, and though I know they are right, it just feels different and is hard to put into action. Until I get really hurt, expolde, lay down the law and say "I am not doing this anymore" because the hurt is just too much. What I have learned from SR is that you need to stick to your boundaries once you set them, what you're willing to accept. Otherwise they just learn that they can hurt you, p**s you off, disregard your needs and you'll still be there. The cycle goes round and round. I've said to her many times.."I am so tired of going round and round and ending up at the same place".

Sorry for the ramble. From my view on the outside I would say your needs, and your families needs are not being respected or met. Only you know what and how much you are willing to tolerate. I feel your pain and struggles. This is not something I wish for anyone to go thru. It is heart wrenching to say the least.

outtolunch

When in doubt, follow the money.

naive

hi worried for my family-

welcome to SR. sorry to hear what you're going through.

intervention doesn't have a great success rate because the addict must really want to stop for themselves. there are so many stories here of intervention not working.

so, i wouldn't really consider that as an option.

it doesn't really sound like you have that much data as to what he's using. not everyone would agree with me, but i would check visa bills, phone calls, etc. and get your data straight. for myself, i had hunches but getting the facts solidified to me that i needed to take some action.

i don't want to cause panic, but it certainly sounds possible that there might be another woman involved. addicts are known for this, as they are not thinking straight and the drugs/alcohol loosens inhibitions/boundaries. my xABF slept with his cousin. i know that sounds unbelievable, but its true. i hadn't even considered that, as she was his cousin!

anyway, all i want to say is follow your hunches and just when you think they can't do anything worse, they do.

it would be good to consider now what it is that you want. what are your boundaries? what steps would he have to take in order for you to stay in the relationship?

in most cases i've seen, we talk, set boundaries and move forward reasonably and the addict agrees, but does nothing and continues using. and the using moves more and more underground.

it normally requires some very firm action on your part (and i don't mean crying, begging, pleading) to get their attention. you will probably have to set your boundaries and stick to them before he will take you seriously.

if you're not ready to do what you say you're going to do (move out, call the police, whatever) then it is best that you don't bluff.

say what you mean and mean what you say (but don't say it mean)

i know this is all quite new to you. read here and get a quick education. we're all here for you. you'll get through this and hopefully, so will he. but at this stage, it is you that is reaching out for help, which is a good sign that you will find your way.

naive

atalose

With what you posted my thoughts also go to another woman, an affair more so then drugs. Money is the key with drugs, missing money unaccountable money, as suggested follow the money.

I am sorry you are going through this and as suggested, his behavior regardless of what it really is all about is unacceptable to you and that’s all that counts.

Worried4myfam

Thank you for all of your support and advice everyone!

Since my last post I have found more evidence. I've seen messages between him and friends. One message was from a guy I've never met..."Are you still down? Let me know so I can buy the ammo" In another, my husband asked a friend to make sure she did not post the pictures of him looking "crazy" on myspace. I've also confirmed that he is spending a lot of time with an old friend of his who deals.

For the past few days his eyes have very red and puffy. He has disappeared into the bathroom for long periods of time with no flush of the toilet (not normal for him).

I do agree with those of you who suspect foul play with another woman. That is definitely going on too. He came home with a hickey on his neck 2 weeks ago and when I asked him about it, he blew it off like there was nothing there.

The more I share with all of you, the more I realize what needs to happen. I need to start taking the very advice my husband would be giving someone else in this situation. He has always been a huge advocate of "tough love".
I appreciated your post, ItsmeAlice. That really hit home for me.

Again, thank you everyone! I will stay in touch.